Idol Speculation: “Survivor One World” Episode 2: Silicone Valley

Whereas Episode 1 of “Survivor One World” went off with a snap (literally) Episode 2 went off with a whimper. Not a terrible episode, but for my money, it’s a major letdown. Let’s take a look.

After the traditional Probst recap, we arrive at camp to see that the guys have chivalrously taken care of the women’s fire (are you satisfied, Kim?).  The women are not ungrateful, but Kat, who seems to be channeling Jane (“Survivor Nicaragua”) in and of that the fire is her responsibility, tells us in an interview that she could have started the fire if she wanted to. I don’t buy this, and my confidence is not improved by her having a major freak-out over a bug. Still, I should pace myself, there’ll be a lot more Kat-bashing to come in this blog.

We also see that Alicia and Christina are trying to reconcile their differences from the past tribal council. Or rather, Christina is trying to reconcile differences, Alicia is just laughing in her face. Seriously, what’s with the bounty on Christina’s head? I mean, I know she’s not in your alliance, but she got you fire, and she’s actually trying to get along with people. These are ASSETS! Assets you can use to your advantage! Quit turning them away! Yes Alicia, the tribal council went swimmingly! Losing a member and having a major argument cause a schism in my tribe is what I would call a success! Alicia then says the memorable line “If Christina were drowning in the ocean, I’d probably leave her there.”, thereby cementing Alicia’s acceptance into the Order of Sue Hawkabies. For those who don’t know, Sue Hawk (“Survivor Borneo”) is famous for giving a scathing “Snakes and Rats” speech at final tribal council, in which she swore that if Kelly Wigglesworth (“Survivor Borneo”) were dying of thirst, Sue would leave her. This is considered one of the greatest moments “Survivor” has ever produced, and not without good reason. It was scathing and came completely out of nowhere, making for an entertaining and memorable moment. However, it also made people think that if THEY made over-the-top statements about leaving for dead those they don’t like, that they, too, would be instantly famous. The trouble is that they’re so obviously copying Sue that it takes all the “umph” out of their statement, thus making them Sue Hawkabies. So come on in Alicia, your ranks include Tammy Leitner (“Survivor Marquesas”) and Corinne Kaplan (“Survivor Gabon”)! Truly, it is a prestigious group.

Not content with one sound byte, Alicia rails against Nina for being “a sack of rocks.” I can tell she’s just going for a sound byte because she admits that she has no idea what it means. I do, Alicia, and I believe you’re using it wrong. You were attempting to say that Nina was worthless and contributed nothing to the tribe (a statement I will contend later). “A sack of rocks”, however, is usually meant to imply that someone is stupid, not what you were going for, I’m sure. You meant to say that Nina was “a sack of sand”, which refers to someone being dead weight. It’s tidbits like this that make you come to this blog! No, wait, it’s the “Survivor” analysis, so why am I still dwelling on this?

Come the next morning, the women finally decide to be proactive about their situation and appoint a leader. Admittedly, this is a step in the right direction, but I wouldn’t have chosen Sabrina. She just seems a bit volatile to me, and not very diplomatic. For my money, Kim would have been the best choice. She’s in your alliance, so you stay in power, and SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING!

And it’s Challenge Time already! Man, the immunity challenge has come early today! There must be some great drama at camp afterwards for them to be showing us the challenge this early! I know the box says “REWARD” on it, but it’s probably a combined challenge.

No, actually, it’s the first of the “Do-It-Yourself” challenges promised to us this season. I’ll get to the ramifications of it in a minute, but first let me express my delight at the first episode 2 Reward Challenge since “Survivor China”. One of the initial reasons I fell in love with “Survivor” was the challenges. They were creative, exciting to watch, and you could count on about 2 per episode. But, of late, especially with the “Redemption Island” twist, we’ve been getting them later and later. With Redemption Island in the game, we haven’t been getting them at all, at least in the tribal phase! Now I know the logic behind this, that this way we have more time to get to know the castaways, but I’m just relieved to see them back at all that I don’t much care that we get a little less time with the castaways this time.

The women are the first to discover the challenge with the boys following soon after, where we get the disgusting image of TarZAN in his underwear carrying a crate, made no better by the women commenting that he looks like he’s naked, and then cheering him on. Don’t, ladies, you’ll only encourage him.

Bill is selected to read the note explaining the challenge, and we get the first taste of the humor of the would-be stand up comedian. It’s not annoying, which is important, but his narration was not particularly funny (though I did enjoy the image of him holding the directions aloft, as though it were the Bible). For my money, I’d have gone the Rob Cesternino (“Survivor The Amazon”) route, and done my best Jeff Probst impression, but oh well. Maybe impressions aren’t his shtick.

From what we can gather, the challenge involves taking a lot of rope out of a box, and untying a ring at the center of a rope. Not the most exciting of challenges, but it does fairly well, combining a fair skill set with a fun image. I mean, hell, that’s a lot of rope! I suspect that the dream team that tied it together will have carpal tunnel. While it seems like a fun challenge, it’s not as “hands on” as I’d hoped. Here I thought that the tribes would just be given materials, and told to design their own challenge. In this case, something like the immunity challenge from “Survivor Palau”, where tribes had to secure another tribe’s lock box with rope, could have occurred, but as I say, this is hardly a bad challenge. Additionally, I think the “hands on” twist overall has the potential to be a fun twist, leading to some interesting dynamics, and potential arguments.

With the challenge underway we have a close race, though CBS keeps trying to distract us by interspersing it with interviews with the castaways, all talking about how valuable the tarp is. I don’t mind a few of these interviews, but there were just too many this time. Also, keep them BEFORE the challenge, they take away from the tension. In the end, the men keep their winning streak going, though by a narrow margin. The men gloat, and the women sulk.

Back from commercial, we’re into what I like to call “The Colton Minutes”, which is a segment dedicated entirely to “Survivor”’s latest cash cow: Colton. Ok, I had sympathy with him the first episode because it seemed the guys hadn’t given him a fair shake, but now that sympathy is waning. Colton is making absolutely no effort to integrate himself, to play the bigger man, nothing! Thus, my sympathy is limited. At least WORK, try to do something. I understand that the situation seems hopeless, but at least try something! I just can’t stand apathy on “Survivor”.  People compare this guy to Cochran (“Survivor South Pacific”) but Cochran at least TRIED to integrate into the tribe! He failed miserably, but he at least tried! Even Jonas, the diplomat of the group, can’t help but be suspicious, commenting that Colton makes Russell Hantz (“Survivor Samoa”) look like a little girl. I’d comment on how inappropriate a metaphor this is, as Russell at least did things in the game, but I’m too busy trying to erase the image of Russell in a dress from my mind.

Colton is, however, trying to integrate himself with the ladies. Here he does mirror the legacy of Cochran, in that this fails. Nothing against him, it’s just that the tribes have decided to play very separate games, and thus the ladies are a bit uncomfortable having a member of the other tribe, a potential spy, listen in on their conversation. They address the issue with subtlety and tact, by which I mean they tell Colton to just get lost. This leads to a crying scene with Colton, and although he did bring it on himself, in a sense, I can’t help but feel sorry for him. Psychologically, isolation is one of the worst things you can do to a person, and it’s obviously taking its toll on Colton.

However, Colton does redeem himself in my eyes a little with what he does next. After TarZAN reenacts a scene from Lord of the Flies in his underwear (I told you not to encourage him!) Colton reveals to Jonas, Troyzan, and Leif that he has the idol, thus parlaying his way into an alliance. I must applaud this move, it’s exactly what I would have done. True, you can play the idol and take your revenge, but you’d better hope you find another one, or else you’re gone. By using the idol to instead form a counter-alliance, you stand a much better chance of lasting in the game longer, so props to Colton on that one. I do, however, have to complain about Jonas’ sudden flip-flop. True to his diplomatic nature, he seems to be playing both alliances, which hopefully means he’ll be around a while (which is good, he’s growing on me), but even he admitted that Colton’s attitude was a detriment. An idol changes that! Come on guys, I know this may be a shock but IDOLS AREN’T INFALLABLE! I know, Russell made it seem so, but not everybody knows how to play an idol, you can get around this!

Challenge Time! Once again, we directly copy another same sex season! This time it’s “Survivor Vanuatu”, where we have a fairly fun challenge where the tribes must maneuver around each other to get across a balance beam. I have to admit, at the outset, I thought for sure that the men had it lost. It plays more to the women’s strengths, and the editing suggested a “Colton-moves-up” story arc. Not to mention tha the women came up with the “Move behind the other people” strategy, which I thought was smart of them, I’m surprised they didn’t use it more.  However, the men win in a landslide (the same landslide, proportionately, that Yasur won with the first time this challenge was done) and demonstrate what the men this season have over the women: however divided they are in camp, they don’t let personal issues affect their challenge performance. The women, on the other hand, do, and this holds them back. That, and the fact that they have the highest concentration of silicone in Samoa, which Kat insists upon whining about.

All right, I said I’d have rants about Kat and Nina, and here they are: Kat, God bless her, is really dragging her tribe down. She doesn’t do much work, from what I see, brings virtually no intelligence or physical prowess, and her bad attitude brings her down. She flat out admits that the challenge was her fault, which you DO NOT DO ON “SURVIVOR”!!! Certainly own up to your performance, but try to shift it to external factors, don’t tell people it’s a personal failing! You’re basically saying “Vote me off!” As for Nina, my rant with her is that I don’t think she’s been given a fair shake. From what I’ve seen, she doesn’t perform any worse than the other women, she has a good attitude, and she could be a fun character! Keep her around, she could have a use.

That being said, my real complaint with this episode is that I did not, for one minute, buy the misdirection that Kat might be going home. Whatever Chelsea and Kim discuss, we all know that Alicia is in control, and given how dead-set she is on the alliance, there’s no way anyone but Nina is going home. Also, there’s the fact that Nina has had several interviews, while Kat has had two, concerning the meaning of the word “ambiance” and her supposed fire-making abilities, the latter of which was hijacked by a bug. Who do you think they’ll send home?

Off to tribal council. I give CBS credit for listening to me and making this season’s tribal council more distinctive. Admittedly, they’ve done the bone theme before, but in fairness, this is more small, artful bones than large, creepy skulls. Both effects are good, just different.

Right off the gate, Probst calls Salani one of the most dysfunctional tribes he’s ever seen. Really, Probst? It seems a bit hasty, basing it off of 3 challenge losses. I mean they are dysfunctional, but I’ve seen worse, and you’re basing that decision off of a simple 3 loss streak. For comparison, allow me to now list the tribes that have started off with 3 loss streaks: Boran, Maraamu, Chuay Gahn, Morgan, Ravu, Zhan Hu, and Fang. Of these, 4 produced the eventual winner. Not a bad track record overall. Just stop jumping to conclusions for dramatic effect Probst.

We also get some drama with Kat still blaming herself for the challenge loss, and Probst filling the role of grief counselor. Not that interesting, overall. Predictably, Nina goes home, and I’m really sorry. As I say, she seemed like an interesting character who never really got a chance. On the up side, we did get to see this season’s snuffer, which looks really cool.

On the whole, a very boring episode, mostly due to the predictable outcome. Next episode doesn’t look much better, as we get no tease for gameplay, but merely a torrential downpour. Still, I could be wrong, so join me next week for the next episode!

-Matt

Title credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor One World” Episode 1: In-jury Nullification

In this episode, the tribe speaks. A LOT. Thankfully, what they have to say is fairly entertaining, so good first episode on the whole.

Hello, and welcome back to “Idol Speculation”, my knee-jerk opinion that everyone is entitled to! Just like last season, immediately following my watching an episode I will write and post my blog which contains my feelings and analysis on the moves made this episode. Believe me, there were a lot, so let’s waste no time in diving in.

Opening the show, we see nothing special. We get the usual panorama shot of the location, so we can be sure that we’re going to get close ups of whatever vehicle is being used. Given that this is “Survivor”, it’s going to be a boat, a helicopter, or a truck. This year however, CBS gives us a real treat: A DOUBLE FEATURE! We get both a helicopter and a truck! I can hardly contain my sarcastic excitement.

True to “Survivor” form, we also get overdramatic Jeff Probst narration about how the castaways are totally unprepared for the new and exciting twists in store for them. Now don’t get me wrong, this is exceedingly corny, but lets face it, “Survivor” is corny. For another matter, it’s my opinion that, for once, it’s not entirely unjustified. Unlike previous seasons, where one could predict the twist (that being returning castaways) based upon the gender ratios of their tribes, this season starts out very generically. Admittedly, we do have the classic “Scavenge supplies from the vehicle” twist, but that’s nothing new. “Survivor Borneo”, “Survivor Cook Islands”, and “Survivor Tocantins” all started the same way, so it’s hardly suspect or new.

And now we come to one of the things I look forward to every season, hearing the new intro! Man, Russ Landau is so creative with these things, I can hardly… Wait, it’s over already… DAMMIT! CBS, it’s bad enough you cut short the themes in nearly every episode nowadays, but now you’re even destroying the sanctity of the first episode? Ok, so “Survivor Samoa” did the same thing, but they also had the full intro in most of their episodes. Here? I fear we’ll never get it.

After a suitable period of mourning, we see everybody disembark their “Survivor” ark, and get the usual banter from Jeff Probst, who can’t help but blatantly hint at the twist in his questions to people, asking them what they think of those of the same gender. Like people on this show always do, they inadvertently dig themselves into holes. Kourtney is the first victim, stating point blank that she doesn’t identify with the women. On a season where the tribes are divided by gender, I can‘t see this being a problem at all! Colton pops in right behind, although not as bad a screw up overall. Although he’s semi-positive, he takes great pains to emphasize that he is gay, and points out that this makes him different from the other guys. Let me be clear, I have no problem with his being gay. Truth be told, I admire his courage and boldness in being able to come out to everyone, and from Alabama no less! But dude, you’re supposed to be a “Survivor” fan, do you know nothing? Acknowledging differences early on is a good things, it keeps you from surprising your tribe and shows that you’re on the ups with them. But dude, don’t go out of your way to EMPHASIZE that difference! In the early days, people are on the hunt for things like that, they’ll snuff you in an instant because it’s easy.

Of course, there are those who don’t dig holes. Instead, we get some like Greg, who pulls a Cochran (“Survivor South Pacific”) and insist on being called a nickname at the outset of the game. A little pretentious and annoying, but hardly a detrimental move. It did, however, inform me that I’ve been saying the name wrong all these years. It’s not Tarzan, it’s TarZAN.

Then, Probst comes out with the sweetest words I can ever hear him say, words that I’m sure made everyone sit up straighter in their chairs:

“Redemption Island is gone!”

Alleluia! There is a “Survivor” God, and he has cast the unrighteous down to hell! Already this season is in my good books.

While those are good words to hear, a lot of people (myself excluded) will say that a close second is the words following this joyous declaration:

“You have 60 seconds to strip…”

We get shots of women’s clothing falling to the sand. Straight men everywhere sit up MUCH straighter.

“…whatever you can off this truck.”

Buzzkill Probst. Buzzkill.

While maybe not being the “X” rated “Survivor” some people were hoping for, it is exceedingly interesting in another way. This is primarily due to one castaway, Mike, proving that he’s smarter than the average bear by taking his cue from Rupert (“Survivor Pearl Islands”) and stealing the supplies from the other tribe while they leave their pile unguarded, meaning that the men come away with a huge haul while the women are left with basic fruit. For all that I bashed Mike in my pre-game analysis for being just a meathead, this is a pretty good strategy. It proves you’re an asset, and weakens the other tribe while strengthening your own tribe. The one major downside to this is that it gives the women a score to settle, and hell hath no ass-kicking like one from a woman with something to prove. Things are not helped by Troyzan, who fires off a sound byte (he’ll be doing that a lot throughout this season) about how the men will do better than the women in everything. Troyzan’s comment thus kills any diplomatic relations with the women, and proves that this season will initially play out like every other same-sex season: with the men being super cocky and the women out for blood.

Deciding that he’s stirred up enough ratings for one morning, Probst sends the tribes on their merry way. I have to admit, I do like that they didn’t just drop them off on a random beach together, but kept the twist secret as long as possible. It made for some funny comments. It’s here that the men discover the second disadvantage to stealing the women’s stuff: you have to carry it. This shows the strength divide amongst the men, and somewhat surprisingly Leif is the star trooper.

This seems as good a pint as any to address Leif, and what I thought about him. In my pre-game analysis, I called him an early target, an almost definite first one off due to the fact that he stands out, and I doubted he could keep his mouth shut. Based upon this episode, I seem to be wrong. He was very good at keeping his mouth shut, heck he barely showed up in the first episode at all, though this may partially have been due to Matt, Troyzan, and especially Colton hogging all the screen time for themselves. So yeah, I was probably wrong about Leif. I still doubt he can win, but he’ll probably do better than I expected.

Sorority tribe, I mean Salani tribe, has different issues, specifically social ones. Alicia, much more of a go-getter than I expected, quickly forms opinions about everyone on the tribe, and forms an alliance of five. Give credit to her for that quick alliance building, that can get you far, though I’ll be addressing a problem with it a bit later. Also give credit to Kim, who is one of the people who did live up to my expectations. Although she seemed fairly dominant in the beginning (I heard her calling orders on the truck), she knew a good thing when she saw one, stepped back, and changed her game plan to suit the situation. If I’m there, I’m watching out for Kim, she’s playing the best game of everyone so far.

Both tribes arrive at the beach within a few minutes of each other, and, after taking a second to get over the initial shock, set about setting up border patrol to keep the two tribes separate. Things change, however, when the women find chickens and offer to split them 50-50 with the guys, if the guys help to catch them. I’m sure this is all on the up-and-up, a genuine diplomatic gesture, no way this is some subtle revenge by the ladies.

Women end up grabbing the chickens (if “Survivor” keeps going back to Samoa, the place will be devoid of fowl before too much longer), and, SURPRISE, refuse to share on the grounds that the guys stole their supplies. This gets the men’s knickers in a twist, particularly Matt, who claims it’s an insult to diplomatic relations. Dude, it’s “Survivor”, you really thought these people wouldn’t hold a grudge?

Oh well, time for another “Survivor” staple: the tribes trying to make fire. Surprisingly, a tribe succeeds for once, specifically the men. Props to them, that’s hardly a difficult thing to do. The women have no such luck. They do, however, have Colton. What happened to the big strategic mastermind he’s supposed to be? Fraternizing this early is not good strategy! You need to find the right time Colton! I’m not saying that Manono did anything to try and keep him there (Cochran, anyone?), but Colton, buddy, it’s too much, too fast.

However, it seems fires are not the only thing kindling at Manono. Alliances are as well, as Matt, Bill, Jay, and Mike come together to form a “strong guy” alliance. This is all well and good, establishing an alliance early on is a good thing (keeping it on later is debatable), but I notice one major error in these guy’s thinking. Apparantly none of them can do math, as they are 4 out of a 9 person tribe. That leaves five other disgruntled guys back at the camp, and last I checked, 5>4. In fact, this reminds me of the “Survivor Vanuatu” Lopevi (guys) tribe. I seem to recall that Brook, J.P., Brady, and John K. formed a “strong guys” alliance then as well. Based upon their placements of 18^th, 16^th, 14^th, and 11^th respectively, this is obviously a brilliant strategy, particularly given that you’re pissing off the swing vote Colton.

But more mundane matters are at hand, as the girls realize it is faster to flirt their way to fire, offering to have Monica take off her pants for some fire. Greg, excuse me, “TarZAN”, sees the offer and raises a naked pole dance by Monica and one other girl. Crazy and perverted. What a combination. Needless to say, negotiations break down, and the women go home empty-handed, despite a valiant theft attempt by Monica.

Evening comes, and the men are living large. Perhaps a little too large, as their guard falls asleep on the job, enabling the women to do the logical thing of stealing the men’s fire right out from under their noses. Serves them right, crappy watch like that.

It seems that even this cannot lift the women’s spirits, though, as the fire is out by morning. Newly appointed Secretary of State Christina Clinton decides once more to try to negotiate a trade agreement between the two nations, which succeeds in part due to the new ambassador to Salani, Jonas. I’m still not sure exactly what the deal was, but it did seem to benefit the women more than the men, so point for the women.

One woman who refuses to acknowledge the benefit of the deal is President Alicia, who, like Matt, refuses to acknowledge that the other side is people. Christina is fraternizing with the enemy, and must therefore be crushed even before misfit Kourtney. Here we get into the problem of early alliances: they splinter a tribe and often so doggedly target one person that it backfires. I see this being the case again, and it shows Alicia’s shortsightedness. Christina is unlikely to flip, as she’s not stupid and can easily see how solid the men are, and should you go into the merge at a numbers disadvantage, she’s a powerful asset. Like Mikayla (“Survivor South Pacific”) I think she’s underappreciated, and will go unfortunately early.

Challenge time! As you may have guessed, this is the standard first challenge for a season divided by gender, by which I mean it’s an obstacle course with a balance beam so the men can take an early lead and them make utter fools of themselves on the balance beam and totally lose the challenge.

History seems set to repeat itself as the men take an early lead in the challenge (incidentally, I’m surprised it took so long for a man to grab Bill’s shoe, as something like a missing shoe could cost a challenge, and it seemed like the shoe was right next to a lot of the guys). Kourtney says that this will not happen, however, as she lands wrong and breaks her wrist. Shortly thereafter she admits to Probst that she can’t continue and Medical is called in. Not surprisingly, Kourtney is taken away for x-rays, and the challenge is brought to a somber tone.

Here’s where I really admire Jeff Probst. I freely admit, I would not have known in that situation whether to continue the challenge or to call it off, but he handled it like a pro, deciding that since the men were ahead in the challenge, they can either declare themselves the winners, or honorably play it out with the women. Probst then loses some of that admiration by blatantly trying to get the guys to play out the challenge, when this would be strategically disadvantageous. Nobody wants to be voted off period, and nobody especially wants to be voted off first. Probst is offering you immunity, take it! True, it does piss off the girls, but their pissed off at you anyway, and if you lose and Kourtney comes back, you’ve gained nothing and lost a member.

Thankfully the men are NOT complete morons (again, thank you, “Survivor” God) and decide to take the immunity and go home, much to the chagrin of the women. I’m with the men on this one, though, the women would have done the same thing in their situation, given how cutthroat this game is already. I also give props to having Colton deliver the news, as he made it sound like a really tough decision, and was also probably on the best terms to deliver bad news to the women. I also give props to everyone but Troyzan for having Troyzan explain the situation (abrasively, I might add), as on “Survivor”, the messenger gets shot, no two ways about it. Like “Coach” (“Survivor Tocantins”) Troyzan makes a good scapegoat.

Back at the beach club we get a couple of good bits of strategy. First, Matt does a good job by playing up to the women that he wanted to finish the challenge, thus winning some brownie points in their eyes. An even better move, though, was Sabrina finding Manono’s idol, and giving it to Colton. An obvious move, to be sure, but it does help to screw up the tight “guy power” thing going, and keeps an ally in the game.

Following a brief speech on chivalry from Kim (save it honey, this ain’t Texas) we march off to Tribal, where Christina and Alicia go at it for no apparent reason. Dear God, it’s Brandon Hantz and Mikayla all over again, only this time, I suspect it will splinter the tribe even worse, as there’s no “Coach” holding them together. The other bit of business is that Kourtney, most unfortunately, is too injured to return, so the drama is put on hold. I have to admit, I’m really sorry to see Kourtney go. She seemed like a great character, and it was really a fluke that she left to begin with, as I think, had Salani still gone to tribal council, Alicia’s beef with Christina might have saved her, even if she was on the outside looking in.

So yeah, great start to what looks like an exciting season! And what better way to start off a good episode than with another edition of:

MATT’S TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5!

Given that this is the first episode, there’s a lot of things I could focus on: Tribe names, first challenges, Tribal Immunity Idols (incidentally, I kind of like the new one, it’s unique), but today, in honor of Kourtney, I’m doing the top 5 and bottom 5 first vote offs. To clarify, being in the top 5 means I think the people had it coming, and bottom 5 is people who got jobbed. So, we begin with:

Top 5:

5. John Raymond (“Survivor Thailand”): Really, this guy is a placeholder for all idiots who have no idea how to play the game and antagonize their tribe, but in my mind, he exemplifies this. John was uber religious when the rest of the tribe was clearly indifferent, and insisted on doing things the hard way because “It’s an adventure”. Those three words are almost guaranteed to send someone packing, and in this instance, John totally deserves it.

4. Jolonda Jones (“Survivor Palau”): Some might argue that I’m cheating with this one because technically Jonathan Libby and Wanda Shirk both left before Jolonda, but technically they weren’t “voted” out, they were kicked out by schoolyard pick-’em. To be fair, either Jonathan or Wanda would be good in this spot as well, but officially, I’m picking Jolonda. Talk about an abrasion on the tribe. I know she was good physically, but her craziness and bossiness earned her her torch snuff. Also, it kept Angie around, and I thought Angie was awesome, so there.

3. Jessica deBen (“Survivor Fiji”): Don’t remember this one? Well, unless you’re Jeff Probst, you’re in good company. Never before has a castaway left so little impact! I’m not sure she even got an interview. It’s for this simple reason that Jessica earns her spot on this list.

2. Jonny Fairplay (“Survivor Micronesia”): When you think “Survivor” and “slime ball”, you probably think Russell Hantz (“Survivor Samoa”), but before that you would think Jonny Fairplay. Known forever as the guy with the gall to lie about his dead Grandmother, Jonny Fairplay is one of two things to people: a strategically genius or a chauvinistic jackass (I fall into the latter category). The trouble was, his strategy only worked once, and after that, people couldn’t trust him. Moreover, he’s just unpleasant to be around, and I was overjoyed when the Malakal tribe gave him the boot. But what could top a slime ball?

1. Sonja Christopher (“Survivor Borneo”): Someone I actually like, that’s what. Don’t get me wrong, Sonja’s a great character, but she cost Tagi the challenge, was one of the oldest people out there, and so it was very clear cut why she went (unlike some we’ll be seeing on the bottom 5 list). Moreover, from what I’ve heard, she was in good spirits about it, understanding, and still happy she did it. She’s just so satisfied, and made such an obvious boot, that I just have to give her the number 1 spot.

Honorable Mention: Peter Hartkey (“Survivor Marquesas”): I’d like to put this guy on the “Bottom 5” list, because he was only a little weird, fairly good physically, and I think he’d have made an awesome character. To be honest, however, he falls in the same category as John in emphasizing his difference, and therefore probably should be on the “Top 5” list.

Bottom 5:

5. Michelle Chase (“Survivor Gabon”): Maybe it’s just because I’m a fan of Ken Hoang, but I liked the romance she had budding with him, and she seemed to have the potential to be a great character. She did complain, but I didn’t think it was that much. Then again, I wasn’t living with her. Still, her character seems strong enough that I think she merits a (low) spot on this list.

4. Tina Scheer (“Survivor Exile Island”): Again, another one who probably deserved for being aloof, but come on, she was aloof because she was mourning her son, and she provided for the tribe. Had she been on a tribe with men (or, for that matter, not on a tribe with Cirie) I think she’d have done a whole lot better, and could have made good tv.

3. Francesca Hogi (“Survivor Redemption Island”): Pretty much the same boat as Michelle, but I’m more confident in Francesca’s ability to be a character. She seemed exciting, strong, and had it not been for a hidden immunity idol scare, probably wouldn’t have gone first.

2. Brook Geraghty (“Survivor Vanuatu”): I admit, this guy falls into a common case of being in the wrong alliance, so I don’t debate that he should have been voted out. I just debate the decision to make him first. According to the special features on the “Survivor Vanuatu” DVD, Brook was chosen, not for his strength (as the rest of the men after him were) but due to J.P.’s invaluability in fire making, and being considered a huge “Survivor” fan, so he’d be happy with whatever time he got. They were wrong. They even admitted so on the DVD. Brook was an alright guy, and was broken up about leaving so early, so yes, I think he should have stayed longer.

1. Kourtney Moon (“Survivor One World”): This is just a jerkish, unsatisfying way of leaving. One small error, like forgetting to tuck your arms, and BOOM, out of the game, when you had a shot at staying in. Poor Kourtney didn’t even get the full 3 days. She didn’t even get to finish one challenge! I just feel so sorry that she didn’t at least get the full experience that I think she deserves a second chance.

Honorable Mention: Debb Eaton (“Survivor the Australian Outback”): Sort of the opposite of Peter, I’d like to put Debb on the “top 5” list for being so abrasive, but I just can’t. Because of this, I can’t put her on the “bottom 5” list proper either, but she got some unjust treatment. Due to her being the first voted out, Debb’s personal life was heavily scrutinized, and she was found to be in a relationship with her stepson which, while technically legal, was good enough for the tabloids. For that Debb got unfairly torn apart, the worst I’ve ever seen, and I think she shouldn’t have been voted off first solely to prevent this happening.

So yeah, this was a long blog, but it was a good episode! I look forward to sharing more episodes with you, my readers!

-Matt

Title credit to Jean Storrs