“Survivor” universe, if, in my writings, I’ve done something to greatly offend you, or set you against me in any way, I apologize. I’m not sure what I could have done. For all my jokes, for all my criticisms, I do have the utmost respect for you, which I try to show in every possible way. So why is it, whenever I praise anything about you, you must then go and completely reverse that praise in the next episode?
I’m talking of course about the challenges, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Our episode starts at Kalabaw, where we get usual complaining about Tribal Council. Katie is particularly vocal, which is understandable. She is, after all, bottom of the pecking order. She’s next to go, unless she does something about it. Most pageant girls on the show would try to flirt their way out of this situation, or else be falsely optimistic about their chances. I’ll give Katie credit that she sets herself apart from these others by actively and vocally arguing for her right to stay. Specifically, she argues to Denise that Penner is far too large a threat to take to the merge, and they should cut him off before he gets them. Fairly typical of your average strategist, but hardly a bad start to the show.
Do we get Denise’s take on this? Of course not, that would be far too interesting!
It seems that discord not only exists at Kalabaw. In an odd parallel to “Survivor The Australian Outback” (odd because Skupin was evacuated at that point), Tandang is running low on rice, having eaten too much of it beforehand. Most attribute this to Mike snacking on uncooked rice (evidently, one never stops being a “student of nutrition”), and roundly bash him for it. Still, this makes the stakes of the upcoming reward challenge all the more important for Tandang. Tribes compete for a day away from camp with sandwiches and chips. Not a rich feast by modern standards, but probably a five-course smorgasboard to the starving.
The challenge, sadly, does not reflect the reward in terms of goodness. Yes, no sooner have I praised this season for having original challenges, then they go and give us a rehashed challenge. This one comes to us courtesy of “Survivor China”. A giant ball is placed in the middle of a mud pit, and tribes race to push the ball into their goal. Each goal is worth one point, first tribe to hit 3 points wins reward. While not the worst challenge to draw from (and, unlike the immunity challenge, hasn’t been done several times before), I have to say, I prefer the China iteration. For one thing, that challenge had not one, but two, balls, released in a very epic manner, as opposed to one ball just sitting there. This leant an element of strategy that seemed to be lacking in this challenge. Furthermore, I prefer the aesthetic in the China version. The balls and goals were actually interesting, whereas the goals in this one were little more than colored sticks, and the ball looked like a colored version of the world’s biggest rubber band ball (which I believe is in Kansas. Hey Probst! Start plugging it!).
Fortunately, even a recycled challenge can be given a new shine by the right player and circumstances. Penner is the right player, and this challenge is the right circumstance. In the first round, Kalabaw and Tandang reach a stalemate (Kalabaw having the edge initially, but wearing out over time), leading to what I believe is the first time lapse in a non-endurance challenge (at least within a round). The two stick it out for an hour, each trying various tactics to move the ball. Penner even goes between Skupin’s legs to try and get the ball. Finally, with everyone exhausted, Penner does something that is, actually unprecedented. He makes the “Next Time On…” teaser actually correct!
No, seriously, Loan Shark Penner proposes that wearing each other out is wasted energy, and draws up a contract that says Tandang gets all of Kalabaw’s rice, but Kalabaw wins the reward challenge. There’s a lot of back and forth, and dissent on both sides. Skupin wants to agree with the deal, while Artis is vehemently against it. Meanwhile, Carter expresses Kalabaw’s doubts, but Jeff Kent seems on board. Ultimately, the returnees get their way, Kalabaw wins reward, and Tnadang makes up some of their rice deficit. I have to admit, this made the challenge much more interesting, and I give Penner credit for trying something new. It is my duty to point out, though, that the deal he made was really STUPID! You don’t get much of a satisfaction in the victory, and while the food will give you energy in the short run, in the long run, it’s going to be harder to get food, you’ll lose energy, and be the worse for wear.
Several people on Kalabaw seem to figure this out over the reward, but it doesn’t seem to get them down, which is a good sign. Often in this game, morale can play a bigger role than actual physical energy. If that’s the case, then Tandang is in trouble, because even getting more rice, they find reason to complain. Artis wishes he could be included in the decision, while Abi-Maria is muffed that their rice has only doubled, not tripled or quadrupled. I will say that that is the one benefit for Kalabaw in the deal: they didn’t have more rice than Tandang to begin with. Ok, Abi-Maria, I know your hopes were high, but this way you’re twice as far from starvation, be happy with THAT!
Kalabaw’s boast that they could fish for energy is put to the test the next morning, when Penner tries his hand. He takes a few unsuccessful stabs at a stingray, before it flees. Penner heads out to the ocean to try for regular fish, while his tribe rightly laments their lack of rice. In a very funny moment, dramatic music plays over shots of Penner and large schools of fish. Penner comes back… with two guppies… which they don’t even bother to cook. Yeah, I’d rethink that boast, Penner. Seriously man, what is wrong with your game, you’re making gaffe after gaffe!
Challenge Time! And of course, it’s a challenge that’s been recycled several times over. Two tribe members (one from each tribe) simultaneously launch a ball to 4 other members with nets waiting in a field. Each ball caught is a point, first to five points wins. This challenge has experienced a number of small rule changes over the years, but the base template has been in place since “Survivor Thailand”. Again, like the reward challenge this episode, it’s not a bad challenge in and of itself, but the aesthetic for this one is equally boring, and I’m just tired of seeing it.
The one thing this challenge has going for it is that it’s closer than most, though Tandang manages to score a narrow victory, largely due to Malcolm. So the game is on back at Kalabaw, and, as Katie has performed the most pathetically overall, and she’s on the outside, she seems a dead certainty to leave. You’d think our misdirection would come from Katie’s continued efforts to oust Penner, but surprisingly, it’s Jeff Kent who proves to be the catalyst. He informs us that his mind still isn’t made up about whether or not to trust Penner, despite having gone against his original plan and aligned with Penner. Dude, before you were going on about how a five-finger handshake meant so much to you, now you’re saying it doesn’t matter, make up your mind. Carter is willing to go along with the plan, but isn’t fully on board. Get your history books ready because not only does Carter speak, but he actually says something intelligent to boot! He talks about how getting rid of Penner is a bad idea, which makes sense. While I admit that trust is an issue in this game, Penner hasn’t played much of a conniver this game, plus he’s more physical, and has the idol. The idol could be seen as a problem, rather than an asset, but at this point, the odds are on that Kalabaw will be down in numbers come the merge (they’d need to not lose another immunity challenge, and merge at 8 at the earliest), the idol is a handy card to have to try and change your situation.
Of course, my pipe dreams can’t last. Carter undoes his smarts, by asking Penner who he wants to vote out, Katie or Penner. Penner doesn’t jump all over them, instead quietly pressuring the two to reconsider. After doing a quick cover up in front of Katie (which I thought was good, but she sees through), Katie then gets to work on Jeff and Carter, trying to sway them her way. Again, good for her taking her fate into her own hands, but my odds are still on her leaving tonight
Tribal Council is your standard affair, so I won’t go into the specifics. I will give props, though, that it did get me tense about who was going home, no small feat. My predictions turn out true, though, and Katie goes home. While I won’t miss her too desperately, I also don’t hate her like I do some early boots, and so allow her to respectfully leave.
While this episode is probably the weakest of the season, do I hate it? Actually, no. While it was predictable at points, it did get me excited and uncertain for the results, and was stronger as a whole than a lot of what we’ve been getting these past few seasons. Still, let’s hope that next week sets the bar back up to normal for what is so far an otherwise great season.
Still, I feel that I haven’t given you your expected content for this week, and I also feel that I need to address a debate. After the disbanding of Matsing last week, people have been debating whether or not Matsing is the most pathetic tribe to ever be in the game. As such, I will weigh in with my trademark:
TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5
Today’s topic, as you might guess, is pathetic tribes. I will say that for me, the patheticness of a tribe is not based so much in the amount of challenges lost, but in how much the tribe bands together through hardship. To me, a tribe that wins a lot and breaks down is a lot more pathetic than a tribe that loses a lot and sticks together (I’m looking at you, Foa Foa of “Survivor Samoa”). As such, Matsing will not appear on this list anywhere, as Malcolm and Denise are still loyal to each other, as far as I can tell. As a final note of clarification, I’ll say that the “Top” section is that of tribes I consider most pathetic, and the “Bottom” section the one’s that stuck together the most. Now, without further ado, here’s your list!
TOP 5
5. Sook Jai, “Survivor Thailand”: This one might seem an odd choice, given that they were a challenge dominator early on their season, and also stuck together post-merge. I justify this, partly by putting them at the bottom of the list, and by a certain statistic I happen to know: Sook Jai holds the record for the longest stretch of tribe members voted out, with 7 out of 8 members going over a stretch of 25 days. That’s pretty pathetic. Moreover, this streak could have been avoided had they not thrown a challenge just to be rid of someone annoying, and throwing a challenge for no adequate reason is a good way to land you on this list (hint, hint).
4. Samburu, “Survivor Africa”: Probably the original dysfunctional family of “Survivor”, Samburru was plagued early on by a very stark division between the young and the old, (and, in the case of Brandon and Frank, the homosexual and the homophobe), and could not get over infighting that led to their destruction come the switching of tribes. Even worse, when Boran started to cannibalize itself post merge, they couldn’t pull together to take their revenge. I go into detail on this in my “Survivor Africa” retrospective, so I won’t say any more here, but I think my point is clear.
3. Fang, “Survivor Gabon”: Staying on the continent of Africa, we find the Fang tribe. Much though Ken Hoang is one of my favorite castaways ever, this tribe just had a bad start. They had no direction, no drive, a ton of quitters and pathetic players, and are generally considered a train wreck of a tribe overall. Surprisingly, in terms of original members, Fang won a majority overall come the merge. Even then, they just couldn’t get along, with Bob Crowley, the only person to stay purely Kota the entire time, taking home the victory.
2. Manono, “Survivor One World”: A lot of this is retrospect, but much like Fang, the Manono men were never really united, and quite ready to cannibalize each other, even at the expense of a whole game strategy. And lest we forget, this is the tribe that gave us Colton, who, like Sook Jai, forced a vote for no adequate reason. I consider this case worse because, whereas Sook Jai just had a case of COLLECTIVE stupidity, Colton FORCED his stupidity on the entire tribe. I’m not sure exactly WHY that’s worse, but it is.
1. Ulong, “Survivor Palau”: Yeah, you all saw this coming. While you can debate the merits of tribe victory vs. tribe unity, there’s no denying that, whatever measure you use, Ulong still comes out behing. They are the second-losingest tribe in the history of the show, winning only three challenges. Like Fang, they could not get their act together, refusing to choose a leader or take any sort of direction. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you that it was disunity that led to Ulong’s destruction, and to their number 1 spot on this list.
Honorable Mention: Ravu, “Suvivor Fiji”: To appease all those who want number of challenge losses to play a bigger part in this list, I give you what I consider to be the losingest tribe in “Survivor” history, winning only one challenge of over a dozen. While technically Matsing lost more challenges, they also participated in fewer, which in my book dilutes their losses. Now, Ravu didn’t exactly stick together as a unit, but I can’t really say that they were dysfunctional due to the success of power couple Earl and Yau-Man, as well as the fact that tribes were too thoroughly shuffled to lead to clear distinctions between tribes.
BOTTOM 5
5. Casaya, “Survivor Exile Island”: While Shane’s boast that they’d be the “first tribe to stick together through to the end” is a bit overdramatic and optimistic, it cannot be denied that, while Casaya had a fair amount of infighting, they stuck together through and through, even in the face of interpersonal conflicts. I put them so low only because I wonder what would have happened had not Terry gone on his winning streak. This might have gotten kingpin Aras voted out, and changed the entire game. Moreover, there were several subplots within the tribe that might have blossomed had it not been for, again, Terry’s winning streak.
4. Chapera, “Survivor All-Stars”: The Mogo Mogo tribe’s frustration at their inability to break the Chapera alliance says it all. While some might call this tribe a dictatorship, and thereby discount it, it cannot be denied that all member of Chapera stuck together, even to their undoing. Even Boston Rob was screwed over, due to his loyalty to Amber.
3. Aitu, “Survivor Cook Islands”: If fire represents one’s life in the game, then fire-forged friends must be the best kind for the show. Aitu was unfortunately t in a bad situation, where two tribe members defected, leaving them at only 4 members. Most would have slumped over and cried, but Aitu, bravely, forged onward, and not only stuck together through everything, but came back to take home victory. That, plus a winning streak towards the end of the tribe challenges, earns them this number 3 spot.
2. Koror, “Survivor Palau”: I promise this will be the only repeat season. Much like Chapera, this was a tribe, run by an alpha male, that had every opportunity to take him out, and thus ensure their own victory, yet never did. Moreover, if you want to go by challenges won, they’re far and away the winningest tribe (Moto of “Survivor Fiji” excluded), and did so at a physical DISADVANTAGE. Whatever I say about Palau, the awesomeness of the Koror tribe cannot be discounted.
1. Kucha, “Survivor The Australian Outback”: Yet another example of “fire-forged friends”. I think this is the only time in “Survivor” history, post-merge, that a tribe has never once gone against another member, even to save their own skin. This can be due to the aforementioned fire, specifically the one Mike Skupin fell into. His last wish before he left was for Kucha to stick together, and they took his words to heart. So, for such loyalty, Kucha is the least pathetic tribe to ever appear on the show. Now, watch Mike Skupin brag about it for the next 12 years.
Honorable Mention: Ometepe, “Survivor Redemption Island”: Sort of along the same lines as Chapera (even with the same dictator), but this one I feel would really have fallen apart if not tightly controlled. Plus, I don’t like saying good things about “Survivor Redemption Island”. What an awful, awful season.
Well there you have it, enough content to last you the week! Hope you enjoyed it, and see you next time!
-Matt
idolspeculation 
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