Nombre Exhaustima Penneris Requiem. Oh, sorry, I was just performing last “Survivor” rites for Penner so that I could watch the episode (I would say “enjoy”, but there wasn’t much to enjoy) with a clean conscience. Also, I have to review it, so let’s get on with it.
Trite storylines are not only for daytime tv anymore, I see, as we get back from Tribal Council with a very subdued mood, broken by (here’s a shocker) Abi-Maria complaining some more, about how she’s “misunderstood”, and that the reason everyone hates her is that she’s “too honest.” HEARD IT!
On a more tragic note, I have somber news. It looks, dear friends, like we’re going to lose another castaway to disease. It’s a shame. They seemed to be recovering from a case of acute morality, and were making great strides in terms of underdogness and gameplay, but it looks like this is going to be a terminal illness. The castaway is Lisa Whelchel. The disease is the recently discovered Dawn Meehan (“Survivor South Pacific”) Disease. As this disease is a relatively new discovery, there’s been little research done on it, but what conclusions we can draw are very consistent. Tragically, those who contract Dawn Meehan Disease are of perfectly sound gameplaying mind. Indeed, our studies suggest that oftentimes their strategies and ideas are better than a lot of “normal” contestants’. Sadly, their body then turns on them, refusing to cooperate, insisting on forcing them to behave “morally”, even at the expense of their gameplay. As yet no cure has been found, but our scientists (and their loved ones) are working around the clock to find one.
Well, it seems we’re at the loved ones challenge already. That was rather abrupt. What’s the matter, Probst, no Sprint Phone to repeatedly and annoying plug this season? No obvious lead-in to the loved ones challenge that has become so predictable over the seasons?
Admittedly, there’s little drama with this particular batch of loved ones, which is surprising, since Probst called it as one of the selling points of the season. It wasn’t a bad set of reunions, per se, I just think the hyperbole was unjustified. These people seemed only mildly happier than other seasons to receive their loved ones. Personally, the ones that stand out most in my mind are Keith Famie proposing to his girlfriend on “Survivor The Australian Outback”, and Rupert Boneham getting to see his wife after almost 3 straight months of roughing it in Panama (“Survivor All-Stars”).
One thing I’ll say for this season, though, it does have some of the funniest name for loved ones ever. Lisa’s brother is named “Justice”. Really? What kind of a person names their kid “Justice”? Well, I suppose they’re from Texas, so anything will fly there (apologies to Texans EVERYWHERE, mostly because they can kick my ass). Also, we have Mike Skupin, whose son shares a name with him. This might bug only me, but I personally HATE it when parents name children after themselves. To me, it’s almost the height of ego, which is ironic as my family has a tradition of naming children Charles Lysander, and I myself was almost named after my father (shot down by my mother when it was suggested that to differentiate us, I be called “Sandy”).
Our other loved ones with unfunny names (which will therefore not be given) are Malcolm’s brother, Carter’s mom, Abi-Maria’s mom, and Denise’s husband. Only a couple of comments about a couple of them. First of all, seeing Abi-Maria’s mom makes me a little more sympathetic towards Abi-Maria. She may be a bit of a bitch, but she comes by it honestly. Her mom is just like her: whiny and terrible at challenges. My other comment deals with Denise’s husband, not so much about him personally as I wonder what having sex with a sex therapist is like (since they have at least one child, who I assume is biological [though I can’t rule out adoption], I’m going to say they’ve had sex at least once). On the one hand, you’d assume that a sex therapist would have some idea of the “dos” and “don’ts” of the dirty deed (that should be a pamphlet!), and so would provide a better quality experience as a result. On the other hand, it could be that a sex therapist over-analyzes everything, and as “The Big Bang Theory” tells us so bluntly, during sex “Stop talking”.
But this isn’t a blog about “Dr. Phil” this is a blog about “Survivor”! And now I’m sure you want me to talk about one of my favorite topics, Challenges! Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I don’t have a whole lot to say about this particular challenge (nor will I about the Immunity Challenge, so don’t get your hopes up). It’s original, at least, which I like. Castaway and loved one are paired up, as is so often the case. The castaway dis through a mud pit, trying to find bags to toss to their loved one inside a rope square. The loved one (hilariously covered in mud) then tosses a bag at a series of posts with bamboo stalks on them. The first to get all 6 posts knocked off wins a day at camp with their loved one. Not a spectacular challenge, but solid. Mud is a plus, the lack of interesting visuals is a minus (enough with the bamboo already!), overall, just a solid, but forgettable, challenge.
Not too surprisingly, in a challenge with little in the way of brains needed, the most athletic team takes the entire thing. This team is Malcolm and his brother, and while Malcolm is elated, he faces the dreaded “take two people” decision. FINALLY! Sadly, there is little drama, as Malcolm makes the smart decision and comforts his two new Tandang allies Lisa and Skupin by allowing them to have a day with their loved ones.
Back at camp, there’s some supposed drama about how Malcolm’s brother, by being so comedic and up front, is ruining Malcolm’s game, but personally I’m not buying it. Yeah, Malcolm, I know you’re trying to fly under the radar, but just having a brother who’s funny is not going to drag you into the spotlight yourself. This is particularly undermined by the fact that all promotion for this episode was about “Malcolm’s brother screws him over!”, making this actual scenario fall even more flat.
WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG FOR A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!
There has been a breakthrough in the Dawn Meehan Disease! An intravenous cure has just been developed, and successfully tested on patient Lisa! We call it the “J.U.S.T.I.C.E.” vaccine, which stands for Justifiably Undermining Stupid Tactics In Castaway Engagements. Already we’re seeing great results, as Lisa’s body is allowing her to realize that this is a game, she can be as dastardly as she wants! In fact, she’s so free that she’s going for primary threat Malcolm! What a stunning discovery! Once it can be massed produced, we can hopefully administer it to future castaways, thus wiping out Dawn Meehan Disease! We now return to our regularly scheduled blog, already in progress. We apologize for making you miss a portion of it, but frankly, it was just the blogger ranting about bringing religion into “Survivor” again, which you’ve seen a million times before anyway.
Challenge Time! Today’s immunity challenge is a marginal improvement over today’s reward challenge, in that it’s more challenging. Castaways cross a bamboo balance beam on the water, then use a grappling hook to retrieve 3 life rings under the water. Once a castaway has all 3 rings, they race to shore where they untie 3 bags attached to the rings, use the supplies inside to improvise a pole, and make it long enough to touch a disk, releasing a flag. The first to release their flag wins immunity. While the pole building part is unoriginal, at least the goal is slightly different (that is to say, not retrieving a key), and I like the balance beam and especially the life ring retrieval. It’s something that’s never been done before, and is especially difficult when one has to account for the defraction of light in water. Not a spectacular challenge, put a pretty damn good one if I do say so myself.
In a race in which Abi-Maria appears not to try (despite still evidently being in danger), it comes down to Carter and Malcolm, with Malcolm narrowly taking home the prize. This also undoes the first half of the episode, as all strategizing was about taking out Malcolm.
Back at camp, things are pretty bland. Lisa moans about God’s will in the game, and there’s some discussion of getting rid of Carter of Abi-Maria, which makes sense, as Carter is more well-liked, and more of a physical threat. It would send any pretense of Lisa playing a “moral” game out the window, but it would be smart. Carter, MENSA candidate that he is, tries to get out of this using the tried and untrue method of “You should take me because it’s the right thing to do.” Kiss his torch goodbye.
On the other hand, perhaps he doesn’t have to do much, Abi-Maria almost makes his case for him. If her normal personality wasn’t bad enough, she insists on harping on this “4th immunity idol” gambit, when almost no one believes it. Also, dear, might I add that your fake idol is the most PATHETIC one I’ve ever seen. I mean, not everyone can be Bob Crowley (“Survivor Gabon”), but I expect something better than a STICK! I mean, I know Ozzy (“Survivor Cook Islands”) tried it, but at least his stick had a face. He at least put a MINIMUM of effort into it, whereas yours…
Just go to Tribal, this is making me sick.
At Tribal, we hear Lisa say that she’d rather take someone she could beat to the end than someone honorable, thereby cementing her hypocrisy and sinking her chances of winning. Also, Carter is sent home. It’s the smart thing to do, and this season we’ve had people making smart moves pretty consistently (Jeff Kent excluded), but it’s still shocking. Not that I’m sorry to see Carter go, but he’s had practically NO screentime. We’re talking “Purple Kelly” (“Survivor Nicaragua”) levels of screen time here. Wait, Purple Kelly actually had a memorable name and exit, at least. We’re actually talking Kelly Sharbaugh (“Survivor Samoa”) levels of forgetableness for making it so far. Don’t remember who she is? Of course you don’t! She had all of maybe two sentences the entire season! To put the issue of who she is to rest, she’s the one Russell Hantz got out with his idol (the first one). No, I won’t be doing a Top 5 and Bottom 5, partly because I’m on a time crunch tonight, and partly because while Carter had very few interview, he did at least get shown in a few challenges, which does count, and in my book just BARELY puts him out of the Top 5. Besides, the finale is almost here, and when the finale comes, there will almost certainly be a list then, so better to save myself for that.
Does it bother anyone besides me that people named “Kelly” on this show tend to be uncommonly forgettable?
While this episode was a blindside, it was not a particularly exciting one, making for what, in my opinion, is the worse episode this season. Again, though a blindside, one of the two people on the outs went, and I feel cheated given all the buildup for this episode. Doesn’t ruin the season, just not the strongest episode. Hopefully, next week will live up to the hype.
-Matt
Title Credit to Jean Storrs.
idolspeculation 
I don’t think your family lacks for ego…
Nice to know we can be introspective about it at least…