Idol Speculation: “Survivor San Juan Del Sur” Episode 10: SUGAAAAAR!

Welcome back to “Survivor: Masterpiece Theatre”, where we discuss the ins and outs of the greats of “Survivor”. On tonight’s very special episode, we will be discussing just what qualities a person needs to be a good “Survivor” strategist. Is it good insight? The ability to lie without remorse? Or is it simply intuitive? To help us in our quest to find the answer, we have, of course, invited several experts in the field to come and give us their input. Ah, and here comes our first guest now. It’s Master Keith Nale of “Survivor San Juan del Sur”. Good to have you on, sir. Now please, tell us what trait, in your opinion, is essential in any “Survivor” strategist?

KEITH: They’re good at the maths and stuff. Not like me.

And there you have it. No more debate is needed on the subject, it’s all math. Thank you, and good night.

In all seriousness, this is an interesting, albeit unintentionally hilarious/horrifying start to the episode. Upon arriving back at camp, Keith talks about the shock of the vote, since the last he’d heard was that Reed was going home. Keith, in a rare moment of astuteness, says that this proves what a good strategist Reed is. Not an unfair conclusion, but Keith’s justification for what makes Reed a good strategist, as mentioned above, is that Reed is good at math, which, Keith says, he is not. The hilarious part is obvious: it’s said in such a backwoodsy way, and is so self-deprecating, that you can’t help but laugh. The horrifying part? Well, Keith’s quote reminds me of a famous quote from the “Barbie” franchise that goes “Math is hard and stuff!” Incredibly demeaning towards women as the whole incident referenced above is, I’m more distracted by imagining Keith’s head atop a “Barbie” doll. Now, where did I put that brain bleach?

On a much smarter note, we get Natalie’s reaction to Jeremy’s blindside of the past episode. For once, this season breaks its streak of circumspect blindsided allies, as Natalie is clearly not too happy that Jeremy is gone, and that she was not told. To her credit, though, she does not have a major blowup like I would have thought. She’s pissed and lets you know it, to be sure, but she doesn’t come off as over the top in her rage, such that it would alienate allies, but rather like a woman scorned, which makes the group more feel guilty. Jon, perhaps having realized that alienating Natalie means that she’s free to turn on him and make it five against himself, Missy, Baylor, and Jaclyn, does swift damage control, justifying his vote-off of Jeremy by telling Natalie that he has an idol. Ok, I can see how that would make Natalie less likely to go against you, but it could also easily backfire, and make her more likely to go against you, as you’re now a bigger threat. More importantly, and this is my sticking point, Jon, IT IN NO WAY JUSTIFIES BLINDSIDING JEREMY, NOR DOES IT MAKE UP FOR THE FACT THAT IN BLINDSIDING JEREMY, YOU’VE ALSO BLINDSIDED NATALIE. Good effort, though.

In a good bit of politicking, Natalie makes nice with Jon and his alliance, but privately admits that she’s still pissed, and goes all Sandra Diaz-Twine (“Survivor Pearl Islands”) on this show, swearing vengeance for Jeremy whatever it takes. Frankly, I am very well pleased with this development. Apart from the fact that Sandra is actually a very cunning strategist, more so than she’s given credit for, Sandra types are people you can root for, and frankly, this season now desperately NEEDS someone you can root for. That’s really the big problem with Jeremy’s blindside this week: it got rid of the last likeable strategist. Granted, this season was always going to have problems finding likeable strategists to root for, or even just strategists to root for, but it has since compounded the problem by eliminating said strategists in rapid succession. First Dale, then Josh, and now Jeremy have left, with only a small Julie break in between. Don’t get me wrong, those made for exciting episodes, due to how high-stakes the votes were, but by eliminating EVERY person you can conceivably root for, you kind of ruin the outcome of the season, as people just stop caring. You can tell the editors know this because of the damage control they’re doing, trying to make people seem more likeable than they’ve been portrayed thus far (Jon), or by making them seem like more active strategists than they’ve been thus far (Reed). Natalie is about the only person left who you could argue has played the game since the very beginning, and even that’s a bit of a stretch. Plus, when it comes to likeability, she’s still got her “Amazing Race” baggage with her. Still, maybe she can overcome it, and at this point I’ll take ANYTHING to get me invested back in this season.

Just to demonstrate how little there actually is to the episode, we jump right to the TEAM reward challenge, which is actually pretty basic “Survivor” stuff. One at a time, each team member will run up a ramp, and jump to get a key. Having obtained a key, they swim out to retrieve puzzle pieces in the water, and bring them to a platform. Once every team member has gone, they must find the right key to unlock the puzzle pieces, and assemble a statue; first statue assembled wins. It bears a striking resemblance to “Smash and Grab” from “Survivor Cook Islands”, and while I don’t have much of anything against the reward challenge (apart from the whole team aspect of it), it’s just pretty basic and forgettable. The statue puzzle looked nice, I suppose.

Thankfully, the reward actually brings up something to talk about. Every so often, “Survivor” decides that rather than spend all its resources producing a kick-ass show, it ought to give back to the locations that temporarily donate land for the shows use (say, maybe THAT’S why this season sucks! Too much of the budget spent on the host country!), and so a reward is used to give charitable donations to an organization or local group that needs it. They’re always fairly touching to watch, and a nice break from the usual reward. The main benefit, though, is the humanitarian side of it. Not to say that “Survivor” is getting nothing by doing these acts, of course, but it’s always nice to give back to those less fortunate, and for a show that generally values multiculturalism, it’s a nice gesture that I normally applaud. And while I still applaud this one, I can’t help but be a bit concerned. You see, what’s given on these humanitarian rewards varies. It’s been everything from Textbooks to medical supplies, but it’s always been something of value, something to help the children (and occasionally adults) of the show’s host country have a better future. This time the reward is: sporting equipment. And don’t get me wrong, “Survivor” has given out sports supplies in the past, and the kids have fun, so I have no problem. But usually the sports supplies are accompanied with something else, something that can have a lasting benefit on the recipients. Unless all these kids are going to grow up to become pro-baseball players, how is this helpful? Don’t get me wrong, something is better than nothing, but could you have given some new school supplies in addition to these baseball uniforms, Probst? I feel like that might have been more useful. Perhaps a minor nitpick, but it still bothers me.

The teams are divided (we don’t see how) and the orange team consists of Reed, Jon, Alec, and Jaclyn, while the blue team consists of Missy, Baylor, Natalie, and Wes (Keith was not picked by either side). Gee, I wonder who’s going to win?

Despite the obvious outcome, some drama does unfold from the challenge. Upon losing, Baylor starts crying. When questioned by Probst, she claims she’s crying for her mom, who has won no rewards up until this point, to which, I call BULLSHIT! I mean, yeah, Baylor, it sucks that your mom hasn’t gone on a reward, but NO ONE on “Survivor” gets that teary-eyed over another. We all know you were crying for yourself, and just trying to save face. Still, the sob-story gets the attention of Reed, who volunteers to give up his reward to Missy. Like with Jeremy and Natalie last episode, there’s an ulterior motive, but for once, it’s not to curry favor with the person you switched with. In Reed’s case, it’s because he wants to firm up a plan to vote out Jon with Keith and Wes, and the best time to do that is when most of the others are gone. Also, Wes gets sent to Exile Island. Nothing comes of it, so no one cares. Moving on.

Oddly, we get to see the reward first, and despite all of my scathing comments earlier, it’s a pretty sweet scene to see. The contestants get some food, there’s some baseball that bears a very close resemblance to American Little League (some things do transcend cultures, I guess), and a lot of sweet moments of interacting with the kids. Special mention, though, goes to Jon and Jaclyn, who use the interaction with the kids to talk about Jaclyn’s condition. Basically, she can’t have biological children. When he found out, Jon was disappointed, as he’s “always wanted to have a kid”, but quickly got over it, and still stuck with Jaclyn. You can tell at this point that the producers are REALLY trying to push a Jon and Jaclyn sob-story, and… yeah, it kind of works here. I would point out to Jon that there are many people out there with a lot worse problems than having a model girlfriend who can’t have children (something I’m sure the citizens of Ferguson, Missouri can attest to), but given how vapid he can seem at times, I do give him credit for sticking with his girlfriend through the difficult times. Not every relationship survives that, and it’s always good to see when one does. Mind you, this still doesn’t make me like Jon overall, nor does it make me respect him as a strategist, but in a season of blandness, he gets one good mark.

Far more interesting is what goes on back at camp. Natalie is still determined to show Jon up, so when Baylor suggests they go get water, Natalie rather rudely shuts her down, and says they’re going to look for the idol. I would question the wisdom of making Baylor your main ally, as she really doesn’t move without her mom, but on the other hand, Natalie has little choice, and as Baylor is only one spot above Natalie in Jon’s alliance, I can see logic to it. After smartly grilling Natalie about what was and wasn’t at camp when they arrived, Natalie finds the idol buried under a tree root. Good for her. They may try and make Jon look like the good guy, but this is clearly Natalie’s episode. She’s taking charge, and making moves left and right, good for her. Perhaps there’s hope for her yet! Admittedly, having the idol does give her the confidence to say that maybe they should wait a few votes to get rid of Jon, which is disappointing, but as I said earlier, I’ll take what I can get.

Speaking of getting rid of Jon, Reed also takes this time to elaborate on his plan. Basically, he’s going to convince Jon’s alliance that he and Alec are with them, and in case Keith or Wes has an idol, they should split the votes 4 for Keith, 3 for Wes. In actuality, however, Reed and Alec will vote with Wes and Keith for Jon, making the votes 4 Jon, 3 Keith, 2 Wes. Not a bad plan, but why should they trust you? Still, with the right amount of subtlety on Reed’s part, combined with some gullibility, it could be pulled off. Reed has the makings of a decent strategist. Shame he waited until the LAST THIRD OF THE SEASON TO PULL IT OUT!

In fairness to Reed, he seems like a nice guy, and an ok strategist (his lack of having any of his strategies succeed means I can’t in good faith be more positive than that), it just frustrates me that we’re now supposed to latch onto the guy who barely spoke for 7 episodes as a main strategist. Not going to happen.

The immunity challenge today is only slightly better than the reward. It’s a play on the “Stand on the small thing while Jeff offers you food to get you to quit” challenge. In this one, you stand back to a pole, holding two handles above your head, and balancing on the heels of your feet (it’s usually the balls of the feet, last one standing wins. Makes you look a bit like Jesus (a fact that Alec comments on), but if it weren’t for the food temptations, it would be pretty standard.

Speaking of which, let’s see what people drop out for. Despite protesting that he’d be good at this, Jon drops out first for a small plate of candy (though not before Probst tauntingly eats some of it). When everyone mocks him for it, he defiantly screams “SUGAR!”, which is actually welded very well into the sound mix. Never has a cry for candy sounded so badass. Jaclyn and Baylor jointly fall out next for chocolate chip cookies and milk, followed not too long after by Wes for hot wings and beer. Missy also drops out due to tiredness, getting her nothing, leaving Natalie, Keith, Reed, and Alec still in the challenge. In a rare moment of insight, Keith points out that Natalie is hanging in for her alliance, but the rest of the minority are fighting for their lives. When Probst points out that Wes, who’s also on the outs, is gone, Keith just says maybe he’s stupid. Father of the year, everybody!

Keith and Alec drop out for nothing, so it comes down to a battle between Natalie and Reed. In the only low point for Natalie, she pretty much gives up after three hours. Determined to make the most of it, she demands of Probst a food reward including pizza, water, and a sampling of everything else from the previous temptations. Probst magically gets these things (I thought the temptations were predetermined?), and Natalie does indeed collapse, and Reed wins immunity, in the process making us all jealous by doing a full split. I don’t even want to THINK about the pain.

Following his win, Reed proposes his plan to Missy. Missy, despite previous editing leading us to believe that she’s smart, falls for this plan immediately. She tells Jon about it, but Jon is suspicious. Missy, however, assures him that Reed is definitely on the up-and-up, and we head off to Tribal with oddly no real misdirection for the episode. Jon is the only name that’s come up so far.

The reason for this odd choice quickly becomes clear at Tribal Council: it wasn’t needed until now. There’s only one topic of debate tonight: the fact that no idols have been played, and what it means for the game. This opens up a lot of questions, but it’s Keith’s comment of “stick to the plan” that brings out the chaos, as logically Keith shouldn’t have a plan. Way to spoil the blindside, Keith! This leads to everybody talking vaguely about whom they should go for. The crown jewel of all this, though, is Natalie urging Jon to play his idol, which he does, which leads to Keith playing his idol, which leads to Wes going home with only two votes against him. A bit of an anti-climax, but a bit of chaos strategy at Tribal Council is always welcome. Actually, I can’t deny that Wes’ exit has the same problem as Jeremy’s: it doesn’t feel earned. Wes had almost no scenes this episode, and he never really seemed to be a target. I’m not as put out because I wasn’t invested in Wes’ story as much, but it does feel like an unsatisfactory exit.

While the season as a whole still has the problem of having no one to root for, I can’t deny that this episode did an ok job of getting me back into it. While I still don’t like most of these strategists, and feel their places were unearned, my respect for Natalie grows a great deal, and the bits of chaos here and there were fun to watch. One other good thing I’ll say is that this season has been very unpredictable, which I always enjoy.

As to whether or not this was a good move for Jon’s alliance, on the whole, I’d say yes. While Jon does need to go for anyone else to win, better that the revolution come from within your own alliance, to ensure that you maintain power.

If I’m not invested in the season, I feel no need to write an elaborate outro. See you guys next week for an oddly-placed two-hour special.
-Matt
Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor San Juan Del Sur” Episode 9: Talk without Action, Action without Talk

In many ways, “Survivor” is similar to the reward challenge of this evening, in and of that it is all about balance. You need to balance keeping in enough strong people to help with challenges early on, but also enough weak people so you can beat them later on. You need to balance how likeable you are, so people will want to vote for you in the end, with how unlikeable you are, so that people will actually want to take you to the end. The same is true of “Survivor” editing. While I always rail against episodes where I can see the outcome a mile away, even I admit that you need to post at least SOME evidence for the person going home, so that it feels earned. The trick is to balance it out with another plausible scenario, so that we don’t necessarily see the outcome coming. This episode does not do that. What this episode does do is keep us pretty much in the dark about the outcome the entire time. And while this may be better strategically, and it may make for a blindside of the person as well as the audience, it just leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Yeah, I’m not happy this blog. You guys are in for a treat.

One nice thing I will say about this episode, and this season overall, is that we haven’t had very much whining over the outcome of votes. We’ve had frustration, sure, that’s to be expected, but nobody’s having a pity party, and virtually nobody gives up. Reed, now having no Neil Patrick Harris to hide behind, continues this trend, and actually steps up for the first time in nine episodes. While he admits that he’s “furious” over the eviction of Neil Patrick Harris, and that his back is up against the wall, he’s not going down without a fight. Normally this heralds an exemplary episode, but as we’ll see, there are even ways to ruin the underdog. Jon, meanwhile, clarifies that the real reason he flipped was due to how the Neil Patrick Harris alliance was treating Jaclyn, a theme that will continue throughout the episode, or at least Tribal Council. It makes Jon look like more of an idiot than I was giving him credit for, and as I like looking for reasons to dislike Jon, I’m ok with this.

As I mentioned last blog, Keith seems to flip-flop between strategically ok, and downright stupid. From the get-go, we see that this is going to be an “ok Keith” episode, as he notes right away that he’s in trouble, and talks about how he might tell people to vote for himself, and accordingly use his idol. Not a bad strategy, and when you’re down by a slim, rarely tested majority, a blindside via idol can cause just the chaos you need to get back in the game. Mind you, I don’t think Keith is so smart that he can take advantage of such an opportunity, but it’s the genesis of a good idea, and on this season, I’ll take what I can get.

For some reason, this episode feels the need to be incredibly economical about its time, and so we jump straight to the reward challenge. Divided into teams of five, one person from each team at a time will square off on a swinging 2×4, attempting to push the other in the mud. Last person standing scores a point for their team, first team with five points wins a cruise with sandwiches and beverages of various sorts. This is an oldie but a goodie, hailing all the way back from “Survivor The Australian Outback”, and while it has seen some similar incarnations over the years, it’s physical, it’s a bit out there, it gets people messy, I like it a lot. Only one aspect sullies it for me: it’s ANOTHER damn team challenge! Look, I know I’ve said in the past that challenges after the merge suffer from a lack of scale, but that doesn’t mean you need to make EVERY reward challenge after the merge an arbitrary team challenge. Give people the opportunity to take who they want on reward, and thereby screw themselves over. Let us see who amongst the people is the strongest, that they might be targets. I’m not saying get rid of team challenges post-merge entirely, of course, but we need more individual challenges that are actually individual challenges, and find ways to give them the scale they deserve.

Anyway, as to the challenge teams themselves, the blue team consists of Wes, Keith, Jon, Jaclyn, and Missy, while the orange team (I refute Probst’s assertion that the color is “yellow”) consists of Jeremy, Natalie, Baylor, Alec, and Reed. A bit more evenly matched this time around, and it makes for an exciting challenge. I give the orange team the edge, if only due to Jaclyn not being on their team. Sure enough, it comes down to a 4-4 tie between the teams, but Baylor pulls it out for the orange team against her mother, which of course Probst just HAS to play up, since it’s a “Blood vs. Water” season, and it’s not like this is a competition where this sort of thing shouldn’t be a big deal.

However, for once it’s very easy to ignore Probst’s failed attempts at drama, because this cast gives us a moment of actual drama. Exploiting a rarely-used rule, Natalie volunteers as tribute… I mean gives up her reward to the other team. From her phrasing, I at first think she’s speaking for the entire orange team, and I think “What are you, NUTS? You’d piss off so many people with that.” Thankfully, Natalie clarifies that she’s more sensible than that, and merely wants to give up her own spot on the reward to Jon, as a reward for his loyalty. Jeremy quickly follows suit, and offers to give up his spot to Jaclyn. Both accept and seem grateful, and to Natalie’s credit (as she did it first, I consider it her move rather than Jeremy’s, though it may have been talked about beforehand), it seems like a good move overall. As I mentioned earlier, the alliance that dominates at the moment is still a bit shaky, and this is a good way to help firm up the bond. However, I would also point out that it’s a bit of a risk. Reed, the one member of the minority with a brain, is ALSO going on the reward, and you’re leaving Jon and Jaclyn alone with HIM? Alec and Baylor are there as well, it’s true, but Alec’s also in the minority, and Baylor has shown almost no incentive to make moves on her own. You think either of them will stop Reed planting ideas in their heads? Given how pissed Jon seemed about Jaclyn’s treatment, I’m still calling it a good move overall, but a bit risky.

Making this move also puts Jeremy and Natalie in the Exile Island pool, and sure enough, Jeremy gets sent, a move I am fairly positive about. While Jon and Jaclyn both know there’s no idol to be found, they don’t want to let on that they have it at this stage, so they need to seem like they’re trying to keep any idols in their alliance. If you include his strength as a factor, Jeremy is the perfect choice to send to Exile, and he seems to whether the decision well.

Back at camp, Keith and Wes both reaffirm that they’re pretty well up the creek without a paddle, but fortunately we do get a good bit of strategy out of it. Playing things more subtly than I would have thought possible for them, Keith and Wes both ask Natalie if they can just be told if it’s their time. It’s played off like a pity thing, but the implicit statement is that they’ll be grateful to Natalie if she does, and therefore they may be inclined to vote for her at the end. For Wes and Keith, however, it gives them more security with their idol, and this threat is why Natalie really shouldn’t tell them everything. Unfortunately, Natalie lets slip that Reed is the next target, and while it’s not a game-breaking move, it’s not the best. I understand why she wouldn’t suspect such a ruse, as Keith doesn’t seem capable of thinking like that, but still, better to play close to the chest if you can.

Jeremy’s first bit of stay at Exile Island is uneventful, pretty much reiterating Natalie’s strategic ideas. However, we do get a funny bit where the yacht Jeremy should have been on cruises right by Exile Island. Taking this as a transition, we switch over to said yacht, where sure enough, my fears at least seem to be realized. Reed points out via confessional that Natalie’s and Jeremy’s giving up of the reward wins them a lot of brownie points, jury-wise, and people need to consider that. Now, I’d argue that it’s less of the case as Jon and Jaclyn are the only ones who could be particularly happy with that move, but it’s not a bad argument to make, and done with the right wording and subtlety, could be a real intriguing game-moment. Let’s take a look at what I’m sure is a fascinating conversation between Reed, Jon, and Jaclyn.

Wait, there must be some mistake, we seem to be back at Exile Island. Where’s the great strategy we were promised from Reed? Look, I like Exile Island a lot more than other people seem to, but even I admit I’d rather have strategy talk than showing the obvious suffering that is Exile Island, which is all we’re getting from Jeremy. What’s the deal, show? You can’t just show talk and then have no action surrounding it. That’s not how good foreshadowing works. You need both the talk and the outcome to make for good strategy.

Whatever, here is where the shows problems begin. At least there’s more of a point to this Exile Island showing than previously indicated. Now we actually get evidence of Jeremy’s looking for the idol, and as he’s not an idiot, he too is drawn to the giant promontory of Exile Island. Finding nothing after two days of searching, he concludes correctly that Jon has the idol, and is not happy that Jon has not told him. At the same time, back at camp, Jon reaches the same conclusion, and discusses with Jaclyn how, since Jeremy is so trusted, he could easily blow their whole idol operation wide open. Once again, very fair strategy talk, and could make for some interesting choices. Do they discuss their options about what to do? You give this episode too much credit! No, we have an immunity challenge to get to!

While it’s not strategy talk, the challenge itself is very exciting, particularly given the fact that it’s AN ORIGINAL CHALLENGE THAT’S FUN TO WATCH! SERIOUSLY! Basically, each person has to untie a rope that’s holding a bundle of blocks to dump said blocks into a basket. Having done so, the blocks must be stacked into a three-tiered structure, and then a small flag must be placed in the middle. The first person to complete the structure, flag and all, wins immunity. Sounds pretty simple and boring, right? But there’s a catch. All these tasks must be done, using only the feet. A novel concept! And no, that’s not sarcasm, I’m all for that mechanic. Taking a simple task and making it complex with one small wrinkle, that’s a GREAT individual challenge idea. And while the structure itself is small, the focus on the intricacies of building it gets us focused on the challenge and gives us a great sense of scale. If you can’t go for the full big scale, go extremely small scale, that’s an excellent solution to the individual challenge scale problem I discussed earlier. And for once, Probst’s statement that this is a “Survivor” first is actually CORRECT! I know, right, who would have guessed? Figures the one time they DON’T play up a “Survivor” first, it’s actually legit.

Of course, being a person on the internet, I cannot be this positive, and I actually do have two nitpicks with this challenge. The first is the proper name, which is “The Game is Afoot”. Not that the name itself is bad, of course. No, I’m all for bad puns, and the name fits here. No, my problem is that Probst, during the challenge preview, attributes the quote to TarZAN of “Survivor One World”. Have you never heard of “Sherlock Holmes”, Probst? Is your cultural knowledge COMPLETELY limited to just the world of “Survivor”. So, instead of having your challenge name be attributed to one of the greatest sleuths of all time, you have it attributed to guy most well remembered for ranting about his soiled undergarments. Classy. My other problem is not with the challenge itself, but with the end result. As with most challenges, it comes down to a race between a few people, in this case Baylor and Reed. Now, this WOULD be a good buildup of tension, casting doubt about whether or not the main target of the evening would be safe or not, except that the previews already SHOWED us that Reed is going to do desperate things, things he wouldn’t do if he was safe. Thus, the outcome becomes a forgone conclusion.

Sure enough, Baylor wins, and so Reed resorts to his aforementioned desperate measures. Despite calling it “scummy”, he searches through Keith’s bag, and finds the list of rules relating to the idol. He then blows this news to Missy and Natalie, hoping they’ll go for Keith instead of him. There’s some talk about it, but Keith once again displays that he isn’t ALWAYS an idiot by realizing his bag was searched, and that people probably already know he has an idol, so he might play it tonight. Pretty ho-hum misdirection, and while we do get a mix of talk and action here, it’s downplayed from what we were promised, and so I feel disappointed.

Still, there’s one more small bit that needs to be addressed. Following what could liberally be called a confrontation between Jon and Jeremy, Jon decides he needs to do something about Jeremy and his knowledge of the idol. In what is a fairly smart move, he comes clean to Missy about it before Jeremy has a chance to make a liar out of him. Jon says this cements their trust, and that they need to take Jeremy out in the next council or two, before he does real damage. Missy seems to agree, but having been allied with Jeremy for so long, plus the idol being so powerful, makes her wary. Still, this is decent enough strategy on Jon’s part, I guess, and it’s good setup for the future. Of course, we’ve gotten almost no hints about this until the last second before Tribal Council, so there’s no way it’s going to amount to anything just yet. Mainly it’s planning for the future. Besides, if Jeremy WERE to leave this episode, this would make the first two-thirds of the episode pretty much entirely pointless. But, of course, the editors wouldn’t be so stupid as to do THAT, would they? HINT, HINT!

Admittedly, Tribal is actually a pretty contentious affair. It starts out calm, with Jeremy and Natalie discussing giving Jon and Jaclyn their reward, but quickly turns sour with Reed pointing out how there might have been an ulterior motive. This somehow segways into talk of where the idol might be, and how Wes and Keith are on the outs. Proving once again that Keith can’t be smart for the duration of a whole episode, he gets embroiled with a pointless argument about who comes to who for strategy with Jon and Jaclyn. Way to alienate the people who’re deciding when you go home, guys!

So, every bit of evidence at this point indicates nothing but an average Tribal. Now let’s see if Keith or Reed goes home. There’s benefits to both. Keith’s idol makes him a threat, not to mention the fact that people are underestimating him. However, Reed is overall more strategic and more physical. Take him away, and the minority has virtually no brain. Not sure if there’s a wrong move here. Ah, I see Probst has the results, and it looks like Jeremy is going home, just as we all… WAIT, WHAT?

Yep, say goodbye to good strategy, folks, our last hope has just had his torch snuffed. Jeremy has gone home, and I am INCREDIBLY unhappy. Apart from Jeremy being my personal favorite of the season, and apart from him being the only real exemplary strategist left in the game, this really just did not feel earned. I’ll admit I didn’t see it coming, but that’s because there was almost no evidence for it coming, and so it didn’t feel earned. One of the titans of the season was downed by players I consider to be on the low end of average at best, and it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Really, the only good strategy people left are Natalie, Missy, and Reed, and of these, Natalie doesn’t seem to have much of a chance at this point, and Missy and Reed haven’t been playing the game until recently. Not the sort of people you want to see go far.

Putting aside my personal feelings for the moment, however, I can’t deny that this was a good move. As it stood at the start of this episode, Jeremy was going to win everything. Anyone else needed to take him out, and now they’ve done so, thereby improving pretty much everyone’s chances at the win. For Missy, Baylor, Jon, and Jaclyn, a major threat is gone, while for Reed, Alec, Wes, and Keith, the dominant alliance is once again all shook up. Natalie is really the only one who suffers, which stinks, because she’s about the only person I can, in good conscience, root for at this point.

Yeah, this episode really rubs me the wrong way. Whereas you want to see at least a few strategists make it far, this season has the problem of “Survivor Nicaragua”, where we’re getting the strategic titans out far too early. This makes for unpredictable episodes, to be sure, and on some level I’m glad this won’t just be straight alliance lines voting for the next few episodes, but also makes for an unsatisfying conclusion, which every season really needs. Think about it: do you really want anyone left to win? Apart from Natalie, who is about the ONLY person left for whom the argument could be made that she played from the beginning (it’s possible Coyopa simply overshadowed her), not really.

But before I sign off completely, let’s talk about one person who I now think is getting the winner’s edit, and who sickens me to my core: Jon. Now, I’ll admit, Jon has made some decent strategic moves, getting out the power players and maintaining the swing vote position so he can be in charge. Why do I still not consider him a good strategist? He didn’t earn it. I’m not saying you have to play the game from the beginning, but Jon entered this game with no clue what to do, and no whole game plan. It was only by very lucky circumstances that he got in a power position. While I’m not trying to belittle that sort of circumstance, as it’s endemic to the game of “Survivor”, it really feels like Jon is just playing as he goes, and not in the entertaining way that Tony Vlachos (“Survivor Cagayan”) did. He comes off as a pretty boy who thinks he’s really smart, but is really only just average, and we had to sacrifice good players for HIM? Say what you will about Josh and Jeremy, they LOVED the game, and they studied it hard. Jon, from what I’ve seen, is someone they brought in as the good-looking guy, and largely by luck, is not in the lead. They’re playing him up so sympathetically, and so strategic, that I think he’ll win, and it will be a disaster. Jon is not a good winner. He’s a guy who just one day decided it would be good to play “Survivor”, and his continued existence, and especially his dominance, is an insult to all those who love the game. Not a Julie McGee level of insult, by any means, but an insult none the less. The best comparison I can make is to Benry from “Survivor Nicaragua”, a guy of limited intellect who somehow manages to continue his game existence while good players drop left and right. You know how many Benry fans there are out there? Neither do I, but it’s definitely a single-digit number. We don’t want this guy winning. Not at all.

Significantly less excited for this season now there’s really no one to watch, but I’ve been wrong before. We’ll see if next episode can prove me wrong again.

-Matt
Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor San Juan Del Sur” Episode 8: Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It

Being obsessed with “Survivor”, and being a psychology major, it’s only natural that, thanks to my loving parents, I have acquired a book entitled The Psychology of “Survivor”. Said book is really a collection of psychological essays about “Survivor” (there’s a shock), which actually cover a broad scope of psychological topics. One of the earlier essays discusses why the show’s ratings took a steep decline following “Survivor The Amazon”, and proposes that it’s because this was the point where, thanks to Rob Cesternino, people no longer had to worry about the stigma of flip-flopping. In short, the morality is cut out of the show, and thus there are no more psychological dilemmas to get invested in. While I think they may have a point, I feel they overstate their case, and also that it’s not entirely gone. This episode is a prime example of such a time, as a good strategic move is caused, fairly directly, by morality. But this intro isn’t nearly long enough! There’s no “Top 5 and Bottom 5” list for this week, so how are we going to make this blog obscenely long? Why, with another rendition of…

MATT’S MESS-UP!

Yes, last week I was so caught up with dissecting just how horrible the new tribe name is that I forgot to comment on the OTHER new aesthetic aspect of the merge. Namely, I forgot to talk about the new Immunity Idol. It’s ok, I guess. I like the face it has on the front, and unlike a lot of past idols, I think I could remember it well, and connect it easily to the season. Really, the reason I don’t love it is all the holes. Maybe it’s just me, but the idols feel a lot grander when they’re larger. Small idols, or idols taken up with a lot of blank space like this one, don’t do it for me. Still, a solid effort, and I’ll happily let it pass.

This episode tries to get in my good graces from the beginning, by having everybody badmouth Julie, and deservedly so. Missy in particular is stung by Julie’s leaving, since Missy is one of the few people in this game who’s conscious about alliance numbers. Thankfully, Missy can do basic math, and realizes that her alliance still has the numbers, assuming Jon and Jaclyn are being truthful. Of course, this means we have to cut to Jon and Jaclyn talking about how they’re itching for a Tribal Council, because we didn’t just hear THAT from everyone else earlier! Actually, I should say we cut to Jon talking about how they were going to vote out Jeremy, since Jaclyn has shown time and again to have no agency and no brain in this pairing, and so she might just as well be counted as an extension of Jon…

Wait, did Jaclyn just make a point? And not just that, a point that’s well-thought-out and relevant to the game? I believe she did! Yes, in a pleasant surprise Jaclyn actually puts her oar into the strategic talk this time, and we find out she’s not half-bad at it, either. When Jon comments that it’s good to take out Jeremy since he’s the head of the alliance, Jaclyn rightly points out that Reed and Neil Patrick Harris are in the EXACT SAME POSITION on the other side. This episode was marketed as “people strategizing over social rather than strategic reasoning”, but here, out of the blue, and honest-to-goodness debate, counter arguments and everything. Jon does shut Jaclyn down fairly quickly, saying that Reed and Neil Patrick Harris don’t want them gone like Jeremy does. I would point out that while Jeremy may WANT you out, assuming alliances hold to the end, Reed and Neil Patrick Harris are the ones who have the MEANS to get you out, but that’s going to come later. Jaclyn takes the shutdown fairly well, and while I was pissed about it at the time, Jaclyn more than makes up for it later.

Challenge Time. Today’s reward challenge, much like the immunity challenge, is a reused one, but it’s actually one we don’t see too often. It basically takes the first half of the immunity challenge from “Survivor Redemption Island”, and makes it a challenge in and of itself. Divided into teams of five, the contestants load heavy puzzle pieces onto a platform, which they must then push to the other end of track. Once all the pieces are there and unloaded, the contestants must assemble a puzzle in the form of a pyramid. This pyramid is then used as a staircase to reach up and unlock a bust, which the contestants must then haul up a ramp. First group of contestants to get their bust to the top wins a taco smorgasbord, and sends one person to Exile Island. While I don’t like team challenges post-merge, it does solve the problem of a loss of scale in the individual phase of the game, and I cannot deny that it works here. It’s a big, memorable challenge with a lot of fun elements we haven’t seen in a while. I particularly like using the puzzle as a staircase, as it’s something we rarely see on this show, apart from, you know, the times where the puzzle actually IS a ladder or staircase.

The orange team is made up of Jeremy, Natalie, Reed, Wes, and Keith, while the blue team is made up of Jon, Alec, Jaclyn, Baylor, and Neil Patrick Harris. Missy is chosen to sit out, which seems odd to me. Yeah, she is older, but she’s shown to be decent in the challenges, more so than either Jaclyn or Baylor, I’d say. But in any case, with regards to the teams: One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn’t belong. Yeah, nothing against the blue team, but in both brains and brawn, they’re way outclassed. They put in a nice effort, I’ll give them that. They did make it very close. However, the orange team wins, and ultimately decides to send Jon to Exile Island, on the grounds that he hasn’t been yet and that he’s strong enough to handle it. A fair justification, and Jon seems to take it well, so no harm done. What’s unspoken is the fact that Jon is the swing vote, and so both sides can claim sending him to Exile, and thereby the possibility of an immunity idol, was strategy.

This reward hits a lot of sour notes, both figuratively and literally. In terms of the figurative, it’s just boring. As Reed rightly points out, the team is split right down the middle in terms of alliances, so there’s no strategic talk that could have made everything more interesting. Keith tries to work some deception, saying that had they gone to Tribal Council after Julie’s departure, he doesn’t know how they’d have voted, but nobody buys it. I particularly like Jeremy’s look of “I’m SURROUNDED by idiots.” during the whole thing. The other figurative sour note is the fact that the spirit of Sabrina Thompson (“Survivor One World”) lives on in this game, as they insist upon calling their victory a “W”. Is this just something I’ve never heard of? To me, calling a win a “W” just sounds stupid and forcefully hip. I could go the rest of my like without hearing that colloquialism and never miss anything. As to the LITERAL sour notes, well, the producers needed to fill the time with SOMETHING, so we get to hear about Wes’ gastrointestinal difficulties. We also get to HEAR said gastrointestinal difficulties, as the influx of beans has Wes burping and farting all over the place, somewhat to the embarrassment of Keith. This, instead of good strategy. That last bit of episode I’ve been building up better be worth it.

Thankfully, things are a little more strategic back at the camp. Neil Patrick Harris is sad, because evidently he really likes tacos, but admits that now he can have the strategy talk that he wanted. Despite the utter failure of this line of argument last episode, Neil Patrick Harris is still not ready to give up on getting Baylor on his side, and so once again lays the guilt trip card on her. Ok, while Neil Patrick Harris is in the top echelon of strategists this season, he does have a major flaw: he makes the same arguments over and over, and expects them to have different results each time. That’s no how it works. You can restate your old arguments, certainly, but you ought to have some new ones as well, or at least have a new spin on the old arguments. But no, Neil Patrick Harris gives Baylor the same argument, almost word-for-word, and, shock of all shocks, gets the same result. In fact, this may even have been a net LOSS for him, as Baylor is now really on board with voting him off. “I think he might be blackmailing me.” she says. NO! Really? Surely not! Neil Patrick Harris says that now Baylor has moved up on the elimination list, though of course Jeremy is still the number one target. This means that either plotlines are being set up for later, in which case the episode itself is a bit of a bore, or else that Jeremy becomes unavailable as a target, making the interview relevant to the episode, but also eliminating all tension from the immunity challenge.

Well, perhaps something more interesting is happening at Exile Island. Jon arrives, and talks about how he doesn’t want people to think he’s controlling Jaclyn, and that people should know they’re an equal partnership. And you’re doing a bang up job of it thus far, Jon! Ok, I know that he does get a lot better about this later, and doesn’t just strongarm Jaclyn like he has in the past, but at the time, Jaclyn really seemed to have no agency, one counterargument that she didn’t argue too strongly notwithstanding. Also, if you’re trying to win the game, wouldn’t you WANT the person with you at the end to seem like a tagalong? I’m just saying, it makes it easier to beat them.

Interviews to avoid looking like a sexist jerk out of the way, Jon moves on to the idol clue, which, since it does not say “Back at your camp” indicates that the idol is somewhere on Exile Island. The clues indicate it’s somewhere near the waterline, and a “double-edged sword” line tells Jon it’s probably somewhere on the promontory of Exile Island. That, and the fact that idols are nearly always hidden by some major landmark so that people actually have a chance at finding them. Still, I’ll give Jon credit where credit is due, he did do a good job of figuring out the clues, and after a decently long while searching, manages to find the idol.

For once, this season DOESN’T give us the promised scenes all of 10 seconds into the show. No, they’ve waited until now, at about the halfway mark, to finally get to the sexism story line. With everyone back from reward (though Jon is still on Exile Island), we get to see Alec, Wes, and Keith generally living high on the hog, as well as Wes continuing his gaseous emissions from earlier. However, Jeremy says that while he understands their behavior, there’s a time and place for it. And evidently, a deserted island off the coast of Nicaragua is not such a place. While I think that the reaction to these guy’s behavior is a bit overblown, as a lot of it comes from Alec, and could just be seen as easygoing teasing, it can’t be denied that they’re kind of being jerks, overall leaving the women out of the conversation, and telling them to go do things in an impolite manner. Baylor in particular is on the receiving end of the jerkish behavior, as she seems to do the least around camp. To be fair, we don’t see her working all that hard, but still, guys, there’s a polite way to do these things.

The whole “sexism” storyline comes to a head when Keith and Alec ask the women to watch the fire, and quip loudly as they leave that Natalie will do it, but they’re not sure about Baylor and Jaclyn. Evidently, the guys think the women won’t care about these sorts of comments. Unfortunately for the guys, they do care, and Jaclyn in particular realizes that without Jon around, the alliance will not take her seriously, and gives her more doubts as whether this is the right alliance. Not the most strategic of reasons to question one’s alliance, but it is logical, and if it makes Jon and Jaclyn make the right move, I’m all for it.

Last season, Probst, questioning whether memory challenges were really hard enough, asked people via twitter whether they wanted to see such challenges stick around. Unfortunately, people said yes, and so this immunity challenge is a boring “remember the symbols one at a time in the proper order” challenge, that’s way too easy, no fun to watch, and just needs to go away forever. The one upside in all this is that the challenge comes down to Jeremy and Neil Patrick Harris, the two people who are up for elimination today. This adds a bit of drama, but overall the challenge falls flat, particularly when Jeremy’s eventual victory was so obviously foreshadowed earlier with the Baylor talk.

After the challenge, the Neil Patrick Harris alliance wastes no time in agreeing that Baylor needs to go. They tip Jon off, assuming he’ll tip Jaclyn off, and Jon seems on board. Jaclyn, however, greatly steps up in my estimation by actually standing up and trying to be an equal partner in the alliance. She brings up how she was treated while Jon was away, and while I’m sad that she frames it more emotionally than strategically, she does make a fair point, and it does rattle Jon on a visceral level. Jon, however, is trying to play with his head rather than his heart, but this time Jaclyn is ready for his counters with one of her own, pointing out that overall, the Neil Patrick Harris alliance is physically stronger, and therefore more threatening to Jon as an alliance. When Jon points out the Jeremy is both a challenge and a finals threat, Jaclyn argues, rightly, that Jeremy is only one man, versus the five men (apart from Jon) in the Neil Patrick Harris alliance. Jon seems unconvinced, though his confessionals are more unsure than they are now. While it’s not Jaclyn being particularly assertive, she is working herself into the strategy, and pretty decent strategy to boot. While I doubt she’ll be a stand-out character of the season, I am happy that Jaclyn’s now rising to give us something.

Still, Jon’s probably going to need some extra push to go against the Neil Patrick Harris alliance. Enter Keith Nale. I’m not sure what to make of the man. Sometimes he’s fairly smart, sometimes he’s stupid. He made a good point early after the challenge about checking up with Jon and Jaclyn, but then does stupid things like what we see here. As he goes to the well with Missy and Jeremy, he comments on how Baylor is doing nothing, needs to be voted out, and just badmouths her in general. This is not a bad idea if you’re trying to get people on your side, but at this point, you have the majority, so there’s no need, and you only arouse the anger of Missy by talking bad about her daughter. Case in point, after Missy relays this information, and after it becomes clear that Jon and Jaclyn are known by everyone to be the swing votes but no one can do anything about it, Baylor orders her mom to talk to Jon again. One small negative point on this episode: Baylor really comes off as useless. She’s honestly not taking any strategic reins for herself, and just letting her Mom do all the work. I understand the temptation, of course, but it just isn’t fun to watch. I mean, this particular episode, Jon and Jaclyn have more of a conversation than they do. Baylor’s just coming off as whiny at this point. In any case, Keith’s tirade has made Missy go back and talk to Jon again, putting the arguments for voting out Josh fresh in his head as they head off to Tribal Council.

I have to say, this is one of the most straightforward Tribal Councils I’ve ever seen. Wes, ever the brains behind everything, openly reveals the alliances to Probst, and Jeremy, despite trying to remain noncommittal, agrees. This leads to a discussion about the pros and cons of both sides for Jon and Jaclyn, and while I do miss the subtle politicking, there’s something fascination about two sides duking it out so openly for the swing votes. In particular, I like how Natalie subtly brought up the men’s behavior, knowing that it would get a rise out of Jaclyn, and potentially shift things in her alliance’s favor. One small sentence out of her, and Jaclyn’s on the warpath. Reed, seeing that things are quickly spiraling out of control, appeals to Probst for time to make a counterargument for why his and Neil Patrick Harris’ alliance is better, pointing out the singles/couples divide. Unfortunately for him, Jeremy is on the scene, and calls out Reed, saying that the Neil Patrick Harris alliance will simply discard Jon and Jaclyn once their votes no longer matter. Reed denies this, pretty convincingly, but the damage is done, and the idea is in Jon and Jaclyn’s heads.

Despite the foreshadowing we got earlier, with just how much Josh seemed to be in control (an obvious set-up for an ironic vote-off), this episode does a good job of misdirection, by giving Baylor a lot of screentime, and by having Jon fight so hard against Jaclyn’s arguments. Still, in the end the couple make the right decision, and Neil Patrick Harris is sent home. While this is a major loss for the season, as Jeremy is now pretty much the sole strategic game in town (though I’m not giving up on Natalie and Missy just yet), and he was fun to watch, this was the proper move. As I said last week, Jaclyn has no ties to pretty much anyone at this point, and Jon doesn’t really have ties to anyone in the Neil Patrick Harris alliance at this point. That, plus the fact that Jon can make a majority a lot more ways in the Jeremy/Natalie/Missy alliance than he can in the Neil Patrick Harris alliance, makes it pretty much a no-brainer. So clearly, this means Jon has no brain, since he resisted the idea for so long.

This episode teetered on the edge of being simply awful, but the ending pulled it all together. Had Baylor been voted out, this episode would have been the alliance we all thought was in control staying in control, a defeat of independent thought from Jaclyn, and a pretty disgusting and pointless sexism subplot. Instead, it ended up being relevant to the episode, and we had a major alliance shift. Sure, we lost a pretty good strategic player, and the rest of the season may suffer for it, but all the same, this episode is currently the highlight of the season. Some underdogs rising up to do well, good strategy, and excellent misdirection with only one or two awkward moments make this episode a highlight.

Now, before I sign off, there’s one question this episode raises that needs to be addressed: Is it good strategy if you make the right move for the wrong reasons? At least, that’s what the episode wants to ask, with Jaclyn seemingly making moves based on emotion rather than strategy, but I don’t think it does. For both Jaclyn and Jon, I think it was strategy based on logic. The most you can say about the influence of the sexism subplot is that it made Jaclyn a bit stronger in her convictions. The strategy, however, still came from her, and was not, I think, born out of the sexism alone, but also what she’d been thinking about. So, why did they flip back? Well, apart from Jaclyn’s arguments, I think it’s all about the idols. Jeremy’s winning immunity was a big hindrance to the plans of the Neil Patrick Harris alliance, as now, even if they had the majority, they’d have to deal with a desperate Jeremy, which is not something to be trifled with. Further, despite how little screentime it got, I think Jon’s finding an idol had a huge impact on the vote. Bear in mind, Jon is still convinced Jeremy is out to get him, hence his hesitation in joining Jeremy’s alliance. However, with the idol in his pocket, he can prevent a lot of Jeremy’s strategizing, and give himself and Jaclyn a continued power position beyond the first Tribal Council. If that’s so, good for them, that’s all sound reasoning.

While I’m not convinced that future episodes will live up to this one, this was still a fantastic episode. And don’t mourn Neil Patrick Harris too much. He’s on the jury, so he’ll still be around. Perhaps that will liven up next week.
-Matt
Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor San Jual Del Sur” Episode 7: #hashtagsarestupidandshouldgodieforever

Ah, the “Survivor” merge. A time of infinite possibility. A time where strategy comes to a head. A time when, depending how things are handled, you can either get one of the best episodes of the season, or else a thrilling anticlimax. This is a case of the latter. While not the WORST merge episode I’ve ever seen, this one falls pretty low on the list. Admittedly, what good moments it DID have were highlights for the season thus far, but man, the lows were pretty cringe-inducing. Let’s take a closer look.

In an odd twist, we start not immediately after Tribal Council, but the next day. Keith, not too surprisingly, is fairly annoyed that he got unexpected votes at said Tribal Council, and is particularly unhappy with Missy, as he correctly assumes that she orchestrated the vote. Missy protests, not unfairly, that they were paranoid about Dale’s idol, and had to hide the vote to protect themselves. Keith, however, is too offended to consider this argument, and I don’t blame him. When supposed allies vote for you, you drop those allies. That’s pretty basic “Survivor”. Admittedly, this doesn’t tell us much more than we already knew, as the merge was heavily publicized for this episode, and one assumes that couples will stick together. All this did was firm up that idea in the minds of the audience.

Hunah Poo-Poo wastes no time in hitting our plot points, as they get Tree Mail telling them to pack their belongings and march to a designated location. They correctly assume that this is a merge. Admittedly, another tribe shuffle is also a possibility, but the belongings bit makes it unlikely.

As Hunah Poo-Poo packs, we find out that Jeremy’s paranoia may actually have been justified. Our requisite “I had everything set, and now have to start over.” confessional comes courtesy of Neil Patrick Harris, where we find out, yes, he DID have Reed, and wanted to take Jeremy out. This actually makes me rescind a few of the negative things I said about Jeremy. He read the situation 100% correctly, and we just never got to see evidence of it. On a related note, Jeremy is also the one to give us our requisite “Now I’ve got a new start.” Confessional. I don’t hold it against this merge that we’ve got a bunch of generic, token confessionals before it. That’s traditional “Survivor”, and it’s understandable that a lot of the same emotions would run through the contestants each season. That’s part of the charm of the show. What can make or break a merge is how people handle those emotions, and incorporate them into their strategies. This season is a bit of an odd duck, in that this isn’t the case, and the strategy overall is quite good. However, we’ll get to something later that makes my teeth curl.

Coyopa also gets Tree Mail telling them about the merge, but not much comes of it, apart from Jon regrettably reminding us of the existence of Kat “What’s an appendix?” Eddorson of “Survivor One World”, by quoting the now infamous “No one wants to date someone who didn’t make the merge.” Line, which I could have gone the rest of my life without hearing. As such, we’ll skip right to the feast. Sure enough, the tribes are merging, though I can only assume that they’re going to keep the Hunah Poo-Poo name, since the buffs are pretty much exactly the same color. No, this is actually one of the more jovial feasts, as the tribes save the strategy for later, too busy finding out that they’ll be at the Coyopa camp from now on. The only sour note is Julie, who claims to be the only one without a loved one still there (Jeremy and Natalie claiming to be “each other’s loved one”, and Alec being tightly bonded with Neil Patrick Harris). Unfortunately, you have to remember this point, it’s INCREDIBLY important later.

BUT WAIT! This episode just keeps getting better! Once at the old Coyopa camp, they have to decide on a new tribe name. And oh, what a tribe name it is. I put it in quote marks, because otherwise no one will believe me.

The new tribe name is “#Huyopa”.

If, by some miracle, you haven’t keeled over and died at the mere sight of this awful, awful name, allow me to go into detail as to WHY it sucks. Hashtags are an annoying, pointless social media phenomenon that much to my and much of the world’s irritation, keep getting put on everything. I’ve accepted that they’re pretty much here to stay, and that I have to get used to them popping up on my favorite tv shows from now on. But putting them in actual proper names, is just insane! It’s pretentious, stupid-looking, and just lowers the intelligence of anyone asked to take it seriously. And don’t try to tell me that they were just joking, and that the real name is simply “Huyopa”. They put the hashtag on the actual tribe flag. It’s official. Join me at the bottom of this blog post for another round of good bashing of this incredibly awful name.

Fortunately, we’re saved from the horror that is the new merged tribe name (I refuse to type it again), by the airing of a new reality show: WORLD’S GREATEST DAD! Each week, a new father will attempt to demonstrate his love for his child in whatever way he deems most fit. Our contestant tonight is Keith Nale from Louisiana. We hear it’s his son’s birthday. He must have something special planned! Let’s see what he does…

KEITH: “Honestly, I just forgot.”

Wow. That sounded cold and heartless. What little love there was for Keith Nale is now gone. And the ratings are plummeting. WORLD’S GREATEST DAD will never be seen again. Please, try to scrub this awfulness from your minds, along with the new tribe name.

Seriously, though, there actually is some good stuff to this episode. Unfortunately, it all comes in one big block. If you couldn’t have guessed, I’m referring to that clash of titans, Jeremy and Neil Patrick Harris, the only two people on this season who seem to have brains, though Natalie and Missy are putting up strong contention. Our opening gambit comes from Jeremy, who correctly surmises that he does not need to talk to everybody, given how many pairs there are. By talking to just one member of the pair, he gets them both. Accordingly, he talks to Jon and Missy, and gets the best news he can hear. The two are still tight, and want to work with himself, Natalie, and Julie. Bringing along Jaclyn and Baylor, this gives them seven out of twelve, which is a majority.

However, on “Survivor”, making the first move is not always the best. Neil Patrick Harris has seen what Jeremy is doing, and uses it in his own arguments against him. Specifically, he talks to Baylor in the hopes that she can sway Missy to her side. Baylor tries valiantly to play up that she’s thinking about siding with him, but both he and Reed admit later that they see right through it. Baylor talks with her mom, and agrees that staying with Jeremy is the best thing, but she feels bad for betraying Neil Patrick Harris, since he was the one who apparently “saved her” several times. A couple thoughts on this. First off, in Baylor’s case it’s NOT the best to stick with Jeremy. True, as a whole for the PAIRS of Jon and Jaclyn and Missy and Baylor, it’s best to stick with Jeremy and his alliance. The reason couple’s alliances don’t work is simple game theory. True, the outcome is better for couples as a whole to keep each other round, but a single couple can get much farther using the swing votes of individuals. In short, couples are too dangerous to other couples. They can’t help but eat each other. However, the alliance with Jeremy works out well. True, only two couples will remain, but out of that alliance, they’ll have the majority. They can pick off the individuals when they want, or even use the individuals to get rid of the other couple. Despite this, however, Baylor is at one major disadvantage in this alliance: she knows nobody. True, Jaclyn doesn’t really know anybody either, but to be fair, she was on the bottom of Coyopa whichever way you swung it, so she’s no worse off following Jon. Baylor, however, DOES have relationships with the Neil Patrick Harris alliance, and so she could work a little harder at maybe convincing Missy to go with them. Secondly, “all the times he saved you”? Correct me if I’m wrong, here, but didn’t he vote AGAINST you in the first Tribal Council? Didn’t you say you weren’t going to trust Neil Patrick Harris as much anymore? Does that count for nothing?

Evidently, it DOES count for nothing, as Missy basically tells Baylor “No”, and Baylor goes along with it. Say what you will about Laura Morett and Ciera Eastin on the first “Survivor Blood vs. Water”, but whether or not their strategies were good, they at least TALKED about it, debated, and seemed like equals. Here, Mommy tells Daughter what to do, and daughter agrees. Not to say that’s unrealistic, of course. In a way, I’m GLAD to see it, since it helps differentiate this season from that other “Blood vs. Water” season. However, there’s a REASON people generally liked the original “Blood vs. Water”: it was ENTERTAINING! While not necessarily “boring”, this dynamic is far less engaging.

Missy’s ultimate advice to Baylor is to put on a fake looking smile and just answer “I need to talk with my mom.” when asked about other alliances. Unfortunately for Missy, she talks a bit too loud, and thus signals to Neil Patrick Harris that he needs to look elsewhere for allies. With few avenues left to explore, he turns to Jon and Jaclyn, saying they’ll go to the top 6 as couples and then duke it out. Jon does give it fair consideration, but ultimately seems to be leaning towards sticking with Jeremy. Personally, I think that’s the right move. While the couple’s thing is tempting, as I said before, it just doesn’t make sense strategy-wise, particularly in an individual game. Further, while Jeremy WAS trying to get you out at one point, you at least built SOME relationships with the old Hunah Poo-Poo. Jaclyn, conversely, built no relationships with anyone in the Neil Patrick Harris alliance. As such, you don’t know if you can really trust them. Better to stick with Jeremy.

Jon’s mind may be changed, however, by the turning point of the episode. It starts innocently enough, someone asking for some of the trail mix from the merge feast. Unfortunately, it’s nowhere to be found. We quickly learn that Julie, having no bonds with the new tribe, had taken it for herself, and doesn’t plan to share. A stupid maneuver with no rhyme or reason to it, and indicates that this point that Julie has simply given up. She’s found out by everyone else during a mandated bag search, and they all feast on it while she’s gone. Things seem to be kept calm, but feelings are hurt in general, and you can tell that Jon in particular is not pleased with the deception. He even goes so far as to say that he “Can’t trust Julie.” or her alliance anymore. Julie I understand, but the alliance? That’s a bit of a stretch.

In keeping with the theme of disappointing outcomes, the immunity challenge is possibly the worst of the season thus far. Basically, each contestant takes hold of two ropes. Suspended between these ropes is a disc, and on said disc is a ball. If your ball falls off, you’re out. Once you pass a certain amount of time, you move further back on the ropes, and once you pass further time beyond that, an extra ball is added. What makes this challenge pathetic is that it’s a combination of two types of challenges that were already pretty lame to begin with: the “Hold up the thing with ropes” challenge from “Survivor Samoa”, and the ball on disc balancing challenge from “Survivor Redemption Island”. Multiplying mediocre and mediocre gives you mediocre squared, and it just feels really weak, particularly for a first immunity challenge. Only two moments of hilarity: Jeremy being the first one out, for which he pretty hilariously berates himself, and the battle between father of the year Keith and son Wes. When Wes loses, there’s a lot of good-natured ribbing. That’s always pretty fun to watch.

Following Jeremy’s self-effacing tirade (he lost JULIE! Heaven forbid!), we once again size up the clash of the titans. Jeremy thinks he’s safe, but Neil Patrick Harris hasn’t given up hope. He tries the same arguments on Jon and Jaclyn again… and it works. Jon now says he’s 100% behind the Neil Patrick Harris alliance. What exactly possessed him to change his mind is beyond me. The only thing I can figure is that the Julie-hiding-trail-mix thing pissed him off to the point that he doesn’t want to work with her, and even that’s pretty flimsy. Admittedly, from the beginning Jon’s been a fan of the “Couples alliance” thing, but I refer you to my earlier arguments as to why that’s not a smart move. Jon also completes the douchebaggery by pulling a Drew, and shutting down any counterargument from Jaclyn.

However, there’s a monkey wrench in the works, and that is Missy talking to Julie. Julie’s having one of her hard times again, after Alec makes a thinly-veiled comment about the trail mix. Missy pulls a Jeremy, and tries to keep her head in the game, but she isn’t as good at it as Jeremy. Julie goes off, sulks, and then calls in Probst. She wants to quit. The elements were “Not what she signed up for.” and people are being mean and coupley and stuff. She also claims that people don’t mean anything they say to her, and are just using her. WECOME TO “SURVIOR”! What did you think you were signing up for? This is the low point of the episode for me. All this buildup for an epic clash, and we get instead what feels like a wimping-out of a contestant nobody cared for anyway. All the good stuff delayed so that a spoiled brat can complain and leave when the going gets tough. My God, this is so incredibly frustrating and irritating, that I CAN HARDLY STAND IT! RATS!

I hypothesized at the beginning of this season, during the cast assessment, that Julie was here purely to fill out the “Hot Girl in Bikini” quotient, and that I would dislike her amongst those ranks. I was wrong. Julie is an INSULT to those ranks, along with being one of the worst people ever brought on! The fact that she gave up after very little provocation makes it clear to me that she was cast only because they really wanted John Rocker (who, I would point out, was RECRUITED, and so we could have AVOIDED this mess very easily) and needed someone to go with him. She has no identity of her own, is tied only to him, and wimped out at what can at best be called a season of average difficulty. How does this make her an insult to other people brought on to fill the “Hot Girl in Bikini” quotient? Say what you will about the Kat Eddorssons (“Survivor One World”) and Morgan McLeods (“Survivor Cagayan”), they at least tried. They may have been awful, overly emotional players. They may have had next to no impact whatsoever. Their lack of intelligence may have been such a vacuum that it drained the I.Q. of everyone watching, but they at least TRIED! They put in effort, not much but a lot, and when the going got rough, they stuck it out long enough to be voted out with dignity. It’s small, but this means I can have an IOTA of respect for them. Not so with Julie. Good riddance to her, and may she never return.

The one GOOD thing to be said about this is that it does at least prolong the battle of the masterminds. Jeremy and Neil Patrick Harris were gunning for each other, and as they’re really the only strategists, when one of them leaves, the season gets much worse. At least this way, they stick around for one more episode. Apart from that, however, this is a pretty bad merge episode. When it was good, it was REALLY good. As I say, the strategizing from Neil Patrick Harris and Jeremy was a joy to watch. Everything else, however, sucked. Bad strategy, stupid moves, and unpleasant people all around. I’m hopeful that next episode can improve, but we’ll see. And the final outcome of this episode: Whereas before I was willing to be neutral about Julie, I now HATE her with a fiery passion.
Surprisingly, however, there’s one thing I hate more than Julie. It’s the new merged tribe name, which means it’s time for another:

TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5!

I’m aware I did one last week, but this name needs to be maligned some more. Still, let’s look back at the goodness of the past first, with…

TOP 5:

5. Dabu (“Survivor Micronesia”): The first entry in the top five merged tribe names is one that’s a bit of an oddity, hence why it’s only at number 5. I normally hate simple tribe names, four letters or less, and I particularly hate it when people pick up on simple, harmonious native words for it. True, I like the appreciation for culture, but the tribe name should inspire respect and fear, not cooperation and harmony. That’s not why people watch this show! However, Dabu is a bit different, in that it was a word made up by Erik Reichenbach to fool everyone, and that’s just hilarious to me. The one guy who’s remembered for being an idiot is the guy who fools everyone with a made-up word. Props, good sir!

4. Xhakum (“Survivor Guatemala”): Apparently the low entries on this list are the ones that are something I technically hate done right. Another popular thing to do with merged tribes is to combine the old tribe names, and it drives me nuts. It’s obvious, unoriginal, and sounds stupid more often than not. Xhakum is one of these, but I let it on this list for being a bit cleverer than other combination names. Rather than just slap the two together, as previously done, they actually took the suffixes of the tribe names, and made a new one. This creates a name that sounds original, and while it does pay respect to the old tribes, it is not obviously connected, so I give it a plus.

3. Barramundi (“Survivor The Australian Outback”: Probably the most basic entry on this list. It pays homage to the local fauna, sounds really menacing, and is just a lot of fun to say.

2. Alinta (“Survivor Vanuatu”): I love it when the name can relate to the culture in some way. And while the names the contestants come up with tend to be obvious and basic, I find this one works on multiple levels. Literally meaning “People of the Fire”, this name worked well for a season subtitled “Islands of Fire”. On top of that, it just sounded cool, and was about the right length: not too short and not too long. I don’t put it at the top because it wasn’t actually the local language, but in fairness to Scout Cloud Lee, with the number of languages in Vanuatu, it’d be hard to tell what the “Local Language” is.

1. Gitanos (“Survivor Exile Island”): Whenever I hear this name, I get shivers. It sounds ominous, it bears no relation to the former tribe names, and it’s actual Spanish. All plusses! Some would argue it’s inappropriate, as the word means “gypsies” in English, but given that this was a very disunited tribe, and had Aras Baskauskas as one of the founding members, I think it fits perfectly.

Honorable Mention: Dangrayne (“Survivor Philippines”): In hindsight, I love this name. Nothing better than a big “Fuck you!” to the elements that have been giving the contestants so much trouble. Oddly, though, it doesn’t make the list proper for being TOO clever. My more astute readers may recall that I didn’t get the joke when I first heard the name, splitting the syllables between the “N” and the “G”, instead of the “G” and the “R”. Because of this, I can’t really call this one a favorite. A joke that’s too hard to get is a bad joke. Still, puns of this caliber deserve to be acknowledged, and nowadays, it’s one of my favorites.

BOTTOM 5:

5. Nobag (“Survivor Gabon”): This name is possibly one of the simplest ever created. It’s the location name, spelled backwards. Clever, I’ll grant you, but also a bit boring to say. What makes it bad, as opposed to just average, is the negative connotations the name might have. Maybe it’s just the middle-schooler in me, but I can’t help but separate this name into “No Bag”. It sounds like an insult boys hurl at each other in the locker room, which is not really a pleasant way to think about your merged tribe. Good effort though.

4. Forza (“Survivor Tocantins”): You want a name that’s culturally relevant to your season? Well, this is NOT the one you’re looking for. I’m not sure what possessed these people to give a Latin name to a tribe on a season set in Brazil, but it REALLY didn’t work. It just felt awkward and unwieldy on an otherwise good season. Bet anything this was a Benjamin “Coach” Wade brainchild.

3. Aitutonga (“Survivor Cook Islands”): I had a hard time deciding which generic old tribe name combination should make the list. Aitutonga gets it because it’s just unwieldy. I know I said I don’t like short names, but I don’t like overly-long names either. Admittedly, this one is shorter than “Barramundi”, which I liked, but something about “Aitutonga” just doesn’t flow well with me. It looks stupid, it sounds stupid, it IS stupid. At least Chaboga Mogo on “Survivor All-Stars” had a catchy song to go with it.

2. Chuay Jai (“Survivor Thailand”): I said “Aitutonga” was a placeholder for all combined tribe names for a merged tribe, and it is. But this one deserves particular mention for failing on multiple counts. On top of being an INCREDIBLY simplistic name, the words actually MEAN something in Thai language. Normally, this would be fine by me, except that by combining the names, you make an entirely new word that makes almost no sense, and sounds really stupid to boot. Do you want to know what Chuay Jai translates as? “Helpful Heart”. You took parts of the two least-threatening tribe names ever, and somehow made them less threatening. I’m not sure how you did it, but kudos.

1. #Huyopa (“Survivor San Juan del Sur”): I thought nothing could top the stupidity of “Chuay Jai”. I was wrong. At least “Chuay Jai” stuck purely to English letters. This is a stupid combined name that dates itself considerably, and somehow makes hashtags, a stupid concept to begin with, even more stupid. May this name rot in the halls of infamy for all eternity.

Honorable Mention: Murlonio (“Survivor Redemption Island”): Another made-up name that has nothing to do with the culture it’s representing. How people thought this was Spanish was beyond me. However, I keep it off the list proper because, in a strange way, it does fit the season. Let’s face it, the theme was not “Redemption” or the local culture, but instead was “Boston Rob Wins Everything”. It’s oddly appropriate, therefore, that the merged tribe name was an incredibly stupid name he came up with out of vanity. Have to admire the commitment to a theme.

Geez, several long blogs in a row, this is wearing on me. Here’s hoping next week will be interesting, pleasant, but shorter.
-Matt
Title Credit to Jean Storrs.