Apologies for the relative lateness of the blog, a family gathering I rather wanted to partake in prevented me from starting to write immediately after the episode. For the record, this was begun at 10:04 P.M., when events are still fairly fresh in my mind.
Following off the whirlwind that was the previous tribal council, we find that the castaways are about as confused as we are, and with reactions as varied. Troyzan gives us the usual “new game” speech where he praises the fact that he’s playing an individual game. Given that he’s in the majority alliance (currently the new Salani), he’s got reason to feel this way. Less thrilled is Alicia, who, with no idol and virtually no alliance, sees her only recourse as going back to the women and trying to reinstate girl power around camp. Given how paranoid you made them about the idol, Alicia, I’d call that a long shot at best. If they think you have the idol and you don’t produce (a physical impossibility, barring that Alicia makes a fake idol, in which case all they’d have to do is put hers and Kim’s side by side and note the obvious differences to detect a fake) your ass is, as they say, “grass”.
Up next is the thing I’ve been angry about this whole season, so I’m sure you’re ready to hear me address it, so here it is: they finally have a full intro. I know what you’re thinking. You think I should be overjoyed, have that statement in all caps with several exclamation points on the end, and I’m not going to lie, I am happy they finally give us a full intro. However, I have to note that they gave a full intro SEVEN EPISODES IN! Halfway through the season and we finally get a full intro. It’s an awful long time to wait, guys, and I think Kourtney, Nina, Matt, Bill, Monica, and Colton would have liked to be in it. I know they were early boots, but it used to be that one guarantee of the show was that you’d get to see your name in that classic “Survivor” intro. If I were those 6, I’d feel really disenfranchised.
Now, I can kind of see why they did it. The way they had the intro edited, you could tell which people had switched tribes, and they didn’t want to spoil that until the merge. However, I don’t buy this. These people shoot HUNDREDS of hours of footage per day, and you’re telling me you can’t find about 5 seconds of footage of each person in their original tribe? I call BS.
Intro rant over. We get back to camp the next morning to find the all important “naming of the new tribe” ceremony. As hotly contested as some of these debates has been (recall “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains” where I believe around a half dozen names were proposed and contested, or “Survivor All-Stars” where Alicia Calaway [“Survivor the Australian Outback”] and Amber Brkich [also “Survivor the Australian Outback”] took the time to draw up a chart of possible names) this one is very calm and quick, with Troyzan suggesting the name “Tikiano”, claiming it means “Year of the Gods”, and no one challenging it. I have to admit, I’m not pleased with this, not because the name is particularly bad, but because it’s not good enough to wildly praise and not bad enough to make fun of. It’s on the more ridiculous side of things, but it gives me no strong feelings one way or the other. Given that half the point of this blog is entertainment, this annoys me.
Having settled on a name, tribe alchemist Jonas sets off to turn coconut into potato chips. He is unsuccessful, but the results are tasty by all accounts. Not so successful are TarZAN’s attempts at strategy. Pulling Mike aside, TarZAN (I’m going to be sick of typing his name so often in this particular blog) tries to pull him on board for a “Guy Power” alliance, with Alicia brought on as an honorary male. It’s alright in theory, but TarZAN doesn’t seem to have noticed that no one, not even most of the guys, much less Alicia, are on board with this. Mike, for his part, does fake like he’s into the idea, but lets us know in an interview that there’s no way he’s going back with the people who put him on the outside. Now if only someone taught Matt (“Survivor Redemption Island”) that lesson.
We warp to a challenge, and I’m rather surprised that it’s happening this early, as for the most part, immediately following a merge there’s only an immunity challenge, not a reward. The usual consensus is that the merge feast is a reward, so no need for a challenge. The producer’s have seen fit to produce one, and due to my previous disgust at the lack of reward challenges over the past couple seasons, I’m thrilled.
What I’m NOT so thrilled about is the challenge itself. For one thing, it’s a challenge that divides the individuals into arbitrary teams, which while I don’t dislike happening every once in a while, its become too common lately, and as Troyzan said, it’s an individual game now, but this type of challenge distracts from it. It does, however, support my theory that the producers moved the merge up after seeing the lopsidedness of the tribes, as this could easily have been a team challenge. Another thing to dislike is the challenge itself. My God is it plain. A boring, unchallenging obstacle course, with a boring, unchallenging puzzle. I should hate it for this, but who cares, it’s a reward challenge this early! Probst offers the winning team pizza and beer, and also a mystery note to be read on the reward.
While the challenge itself is not that compelling, it was nice to see the story of the blue team’s struggle. They initially fell very far behind due to Leif pulling himself the wrong way through a dig fence (the way he went he had no leverage) and also not carving out enough space for his butt. Thankfully for them, a few stumbles by Sabrina on the same obstacle ties up the tribes. Unfortunately, TarZAN puts himself on the puzzle, only to be utterly ineffectual, and then constantly deny that he’s been ineffectual. Don’t worry, my rant on TarZAN is coming, I’m just saving it for later.
As you may have guessed, the orange team pulls out a narrow victory, and goes on reward. After exclaiming over how good the pizza is, Alicia reads the note, informing the people present that another hidden immunity idol is in play. I knew the producer’s wouldn’t let Colton keep it! No, actually, this is an entirely new idol, ripe for the picking. Of ALL the interesting interviews on this subject we could have received, we get Chelsea droning on about how bad it would be if a Manono got it. Whether she means Manono as in “Men” or Manono as in “Switched Manono” remains to be seen.
Back at camp, more interesting things are happening, things like Jonas trying to save his own skin. Unlike the deluded TarZAN, Jonas is fully aware that he’s in the minority alliance, and is desperately trying to pull something together, again using Mike as a potential swing vote. Mike, whether to cause discord and enmity, or just to try and keep up the illusion that he is with them, tells Jonas what TarZAN told him. At this, Jonas realizes that maybe forming an alliance with a volatile wild card was not the best idea, and confronts TarZAN in an attempt to corral him. While this is something he should have done, Jonas admittedly goes about it in a very bad way, being confrontational and talking down to TarZAN. Not exactly the way to influence people, Jonas. Actually, we’ll see that a lot this evening: Jonas having the right idea, but not execute it well at all.
To be fair, though, TarZAN was not exactly reasonable either. He was quick to anger, got defensive easily, and ultimately washed himself of the alliance, a move that only hurts both of them. To add to the insanity, TarZAN admits that he never liked Jonas, which is funny, because last episode when he told Christine that he liked the entire tribe EXCEPT her, I thought Jonas was included in that. TarZAN then tells us that when he says things from the heart, he means it, which again, is odd given his statements last episode. Oh no, this is not my TarZAN rant either, you’ll see it in a bit.
After commercial, we see that Troyzan has gotten up early, not to work but to go idol hunting, on an “early bird” principle. After a fairly funny scene in which Troyzan, believing to have found an idol, instead gets pinched by a crab, he succeeds, and I give him credit not only for taking the initiative, but also taking the logical step of not telling anyone. Given that the women seem to be in power at the moment, I’d call this a good move on his part. Admittedly, this is mired somewhat by Troyzan being Coach-like and kissing his own biceps in celebration of his awesomeness, but at least here he did something to merit it.
Oddly Troyzan, despite all promises in the pre-game interviews, has not been very Coach-like so far. True, he’s had his moments of insanity and shameless self-promotion, but for the most part, he’s played a under-the-radar, logical, opportunistic game. It’s not what we promised, but after so much Coach last season, I’ll take it!
Challenge Time! Today’s challenge is brought to you by “Survivor Redemption Island”, because it truly is a season well-liked by the viewing audience! No, actually, it’s because it’s a fairly easy challenge to produce for individual competition that is still, admittedly challenging. It could be argued that this destroys my “Move the Merge” theory, but I would point out that challenges are built well in advance, so they probably had the majority done already, and all they had to do was to build a few extra podiums, disks, and balls, which given a few day’s lead time would be fairly easy. Overall, it’s a boring challenge, involving balancing 3 balls on a disc for as long as possible. While it’s boring visually, I can’t deny that it’s challenging, which I suppose makes it an ok challenge.
All bets are off as to who will win, though my money is on Leif, due to his lower center of gravity. I’d lose, however, as Troyzan pulls out a narrow victory over Kat, who contributes the most she’s ever done to a challenge by simply standing there. This really is Troyzan’s episode. He’s getting some good strategy in, he found an immunity idol, and he just won a difficult immunity challenge. Props to you, man.
Back at the camp, and Troyzan is all hunky-dory, as are the Salani 7. Deciding who to vote off is fairly simple. Jay and Chelsea go off to have a “Who can talk more slowly?” contest, and use it to conclude that Jonas, as the ringleader of Manono, must go. I can’t say this is a bad choice, but for my money, I’d have gone with TarZAN for the vote. He annoys everyone, so it brings tranquility to the tribe, it keeps around the guys who’s cooking you food, and curry’s some favor with potential jury members, as I’m fairly certain both sides want him gone. Still, I can’t fault them the decision, as the only real problem is that everyone likes Jonas, and it would be hard to vote him off. In this game, that doesn’t matter, and Grand High Duchess Kim’s Seal of Approval seems to end Jonas’ game.
Now we get the misdirection that I don’t believe at all. Troyzan, deciding that playing both sides might be a good idea (in my opinion it could go either way) informs Jonas, who seems incredulous that these people would target the leader of the alliance. Troyzan offers Jonas his full support, and for my money, I can’t figure out why. Playing both sides is one thing, but Troyzan, this is overstepping the bounds. This could easily come back to bite you in final tribal.
Jonas, feeling the need for more allies now the vote approaches, offers to reconcile with TarZAN who instantly agrees. Hypocritical, yes, but there’s still MORE insanity to be had, just you wait viewing audience. Together they formulate a strategy to vote for Kat as “they can’t think of anything better.” This is just lazy and unconvincing. Furthermore, they could easily come up with a better strategy. For my money, Jonas had a good idea in targeting Mike, as he was on the outs with the Salani 7, still got rid of a guy, and was a physical threat. Why he didn’t go to Salani and propose this compromise, I have no idea.
Tribal will have to wait, however, TarZAN has wardrobe issues. Specifically a brown stain on his underwear making everyone believe he has shit himself, and no one wanting to wash their clothes with his. Yet, in an effort to conserve water, he slips his undies in with a load of Chelsea’s wash. She politely requests that he remove it, which he initially does, which could have been the end of it, but no, TarZAN puts it back in, making the (admittedly correct) argument that the hot water will kill any bacteria.
Alright, TarZAN rant time: THE MAN IS INSANE! We’ve had a lot of insane castaways these days, and this episode cements TarZAN as a member of those ranks. The man changes his mind for reasons no one can comprehend, goes off all angry at the weirdest things, and insists on forcing issues that are best left alone. The real kicker for me is that he’s obviously intelligent, based upon his vocabulary and some of his arguments, but he presents himself in such a way that no one can take him seriously. He’s entertaining, I’ll give him that, but I reiterate, THE MAN IS INSANE! I certainly wouldn’t trust him to be my doctor.
His argument with Chelsea does get her to try and convince Salani to get him out, but again, I don’t buy this misdirection for a minute.
We come to what I can only describe as one of the most pathetic Tribal Council performances ever. As a note to future contestants who may read this blog, study this Tribal Council closely, and NEVER repeat any of the things done here. Do not do what Jonas did, and single out the guy you’re voting for. Do not do what TarZAN did and go off on your ally for no reason, and declare your vote (again, INSANE). Do not do what Jonas did AGAIN, and reveal your other target, this time with no argument behind why. Emulate Kim, in giving acceptable answers that get rid of Probst and don’t technically lie (ok, so there was ONE good part about tribal). Do not do what Chelsea did and single out the person you dislike, and go into detail as to WHY. If you follow these easy steps, you too may be a sole Survivor.
Not surprisingly, Jonas goes home, and I have to admit I’m disappointed. For all that I ragged on him in this blog, he was finally starting to come into his own, and could have been an interesting character. Again, he lacks in execution of his plans, but he was still learning.
Oh well, no sense in mourning what might have been, instead, let’s mourn what was! You guessed it, it’s time for another:
TOP 5 and BOTTOM 5!
Today’s category, as my ranting may have indicated, is crazy people. Given that it’s hard to have a bottom 5 “crazy” category, my bottom 5 is going to be composed of people who played cool, calculating, predictable games. Let’s waste not more time, and get to the list!
Top 5
5. Greg “Tarzan” Smith (“Survivor One World”): Maybe it’s bad form to put the entry from the current season this early in the list, but that’s honestly where he belongs. As I’ve mentioned, the man is inconsistent and not good with communication, not to mention having no idea how to influence people. His performances and denials tonight, in my mind, are enough to merit a spot on this list. What saves him from being farther up is that fact that he does appear to have a modicum of intelligence (unlike most of the other people in the “Top 5” section), but that still doesn’t excuse the insanity.
4. Shannon “Shambo” Waters (“Survivor Samoa”): Another somewhat underplayed insane “Survivor”, but I think “Shambo” has earned her spot on the list. Her hairstyle is a factor, being rather insane in this era, but the woman also constantly failed at many things, then questioned why her tribe disliked her. When she tried to explain things, she often made no sense, and spoke in odd metaphors. But the big crazy moment for her is a dream in which she believed she killed Dave Ball (“Survivor Samoa”), which she interpreted as a sign. I’m a Psych major, and even for me, finding such clarity in dreams is insane (not to mention that dream interpretation is an inexact art), and merits a spot on this list.
3. Cao Boi Bui (“Survivor Cook Islands”): Ah, who could forget the famous headache healing Boat person from the racially divided season? He was rather older than his tribe mates (a common feature amongst most on this list), and also more seeped in old world culture. At first, this just leaked out in small ways, such as racially insensitive jokes and the ability to heal headaches through massage (on a side note, I always thought his tribe unnecessarily complained about his headache healing. Given the choice between a splitting headache and a red fleck on my forehead for a few days, I take the latter each time). But then Cao Boi started to go further from the mainstream, such as doing a strange, leaping fire dance to start a fire (though admittedly, like his headache cure it was effective), carting the Immunity Idol with him everywhere, and, like “Shambo” having a dream about who to vote off, resulting in the ill-fated “Plan Voodoo”. Anyone who can come up with a name like that and take it seriously has EARNED their spot on this list.
2. Phillip “Special Agent?” Sheppard (“Survivor Redemption Island”): Look me in the eye and tell me that the man who walked around in tight pink briefs with no shame was not at least a little crazy. But even this just scratches the surface, the man insisted upon using animal metaphors for everything, and even went so far as to tie a feather to his forehead (making him look ridiculous for the rest of the game). Add his communions with Great-Grandpa Jessum to the mix, and you have one of the craziest Survivors every, but not quite as…
1. Shane Powers (“Survivor Exile Island”): I’ve used the term “crazy” really loosely in this list, but the only one I think was actually insane is Shane Powers. It’s understandable, the man quite smoking 3 packs a day cold turkey going into the game. Adjusting to the elements is hard enough, having to detox from cigarettes can only compound the effects. It was so bad that Shane actually tried to quit, only to turn on a dime and not want to quit, but even THIS erratic behavior is only the tip of the iceberg. I could write an entire essay on why Shane is the #1 craziest Survivor, so here I will include a brief list of incidents involving Shane’s craziness: threatening to kill fellow castaways, insisting that Cirie, as a nurse, be the one to examine his genitals for a rash, his innumerable sound bytes, “Shane’s Thinking Seat”, and, lest we forget, “Shane’s Blackberry.” Enjoy your title, man, you earned it.
Honorable Mention: Matthew Von Ertfelda (“Survivor The Amazon”): One that had to be struck from the list due to my definition of “crazy” that I used. Still, I had to at least give mention to the man voted “Most needs to see a psychologist” by his fellow castaways (including himself). Matthew is remembered most for an episode in which he could not stop sharpening a machete, and several contestants commented on how he would likely kill them in a fit of rage. Not crazy like these other people, but, admittedly, crazy in another way that at least deserves mentioning. As a pathetic side note, Matthew is the closest I have ever come to having the person I rooted for at the beginning of the game win the whole thing.
Bottom 5
5. Parvati Shallow (“Survivor Cook Islands”): I’ve said before that Parvati knows how to do one thing, but she does it exceedingly well. This is flirt to play people, and it’s earned her the second most consecutive days on the show, no small feat. However, BECAUSE she does it so well she earns her spot on this list. Flirting is a risky strategy, and you REALLY need to know how to dispense it properly in order for it to work. That it has worked so well for Parvati shows how calculating she can be, and why she’s on the list.
4. “Boston Rob” Mariano (“Survivor Marquesas”): How could I not include the man so often compared to the Godfather? You’ve heard of his virtues on countless fan sites before, so I don’t need to extol them here, particularly given my distaste for Boston Rob. He’s not a bad character, and again, he’s certainly good at knowing how to run an alliance, his performance on “Survivor Redemption Island” shows that. I simply feel that the hype isn’t deserved for the amount he gets. And for the record, I would point out that, although he does hold the record for most days on “Survivor”, he is ahead of Parvati by only 3 days, having played a whole entire season more than her.
3. Richard Hatch (“Survivor Borneo”): It was only a matter of time before the infamous Hatch made it on one of my lists. Arguably the father of the alliance, Richard made his mark by forming an alliance when almost no one else thought to, and then systematically eliminating the other tribe. Richard is denied the number one spot, only because I question how well his methods would work now, as evidenced by his placement in “Survivor All-Stars”. Still, most former Survivors owe their ideas to him, originally, and he’s certainly a calculating individual.
2. Yul Kwan (“Survivor Cook Islands”): If Boston Rob acted the part of a mafia boss, Yul lived the part. Probably one of the most normal, book smart people “Survivor” ever cast (he is remembered for having a complex proof comparing a “Survivor” challenge to an elephant trying to run up a tree), Yul’s voting strategy was described by fellow contestants as “like putting a hit on somebody”. Yul knew just how long to keep someone around, and when to eliminate them, and how to appease the people on the jury. He did this so well that he managed to beat Ozzy in a final tribal council. Admittedly it was a narrow margin, but Ozzy was well liked, and a physical player, and physical players are often favored by the jury, so Yul’s impressive feat earns him the #2 spot.
1. Brian Heidik (“Survivor Thailand”): Admittedly, he’s a lot of the reason “Survivor Thailand” is so hated in “Survivor” history, but you have to give him credit, he was cold and calculating to the point of being emotionless (though he was a used car salesman). Every move he made was designed to get him the million, and, in that area he succeeded. In life, not so much, he’s a despicable human being, but certainly the most calculating Survivor.
Honorable Mention: Cirie Fields (“Survivor Exile Island”): To give her her due, Cirie is a good strategist, and certainly knows how to play people just right, but 2 things bar her from this list. The first is that she never won (something everyone else did) and second that in her early days she was fueled by emotion. Still, she’s quite intelligent, and that deserves to be acknowledged.
Whew, that was a long list. Yes, lackluster episode, but next week promises Tribal loyalty dilemmas, which are usually fun to watch, and best of all NO COLTON! So, hopefully next week will be a good one!
-Matt
Title Credit to Jean Storrs.
idolspeculation 