“Survivor” Retrospectives: One World

Normally, “Survivor Retrospectives” stops for the summer when the cast of the upcoming season is announced. That cannot happen this season, since we already KNOW who the cast is, since we kind of picked them. I was unsure of when I was going to stop this time around, and I take the releasing of official cast photos as the equivalent of releasing the cast this time around (particularly since it’s about the time when the new cast would be announced if we didn’t already know it). Yet, as you may notice from the title of this blog, there’s a new “Survivor Retrospectives” out. While I try not to hold myself to any release standards for off-season coverage, I do feel like I’ve done very little this summer, mostly because I’ve been busy. On top of that, I feel like it’s appropriate for me to finish off what many consider to be the worst four-season run in the show’s history before moving onto what will hopefully be a bigger and better season. Certainly everything I’m hearing about “Survivor Cambodia” seems good. And while I have already done a cast assessment, and feel no need to correct anything in it, don’t worry. I’ve still got some pre-season coverage ahead. In the next couple of weeks, I’ll be releasing two blogs that are at least semi-related to “Survivor Cambodia”, so keep an eye out for them.

All that said, let’s talk about something not as exciting: “Survivor One World”. A contender for “Stupidest Season Title” right up there with “Survivor Worlds Apart” and the subtitle “Earth’s Last Eden”, One World is even lamer than it’s name would suggest. But that’s not for lack of trying on its part. As I’ll discuss in the “Twist” section and the “Abstract” section, this was a season that was aiming to please. What went wrong? You’re going to have to read the blog to find out.

Before you read on, though, I must once again warn you that this blog contains spoilers. I address the major plot points of the season, and openly reveal who the winner is. If you do not want to know these things, I highly recommend scrolling down to the bottom of the page, so you can read only the “Abstract” section. This will be a broad, spoiler-free take on the season, for those wondering whether or not to watch it. So, now that you know where you should start reading, get to reading it!

CAST

If you’re the impatient type like me, you don’t have to worry too much about finding out how a season that aims to please goes so horribly awry. The answer is that the cast is AWFUL! And I can’t think of a better indicator of this than by the big name to come out of the season: Colton Cumbie. Yes, if you’re a “Survivor” fan of the modern era, you’ve doubtless heard of the awful excuse for a human being that is Colton. While I do feel a little bad about trashing the guy so mercilessly, since his fiancé tragically passed away a year or so ago, and that’s something no one should have to endure, I am compelled to talk about Colton as a character on the show. And good lord, they needed someone better than this. Much like Cochran on “Survivor South Pacific”, Colton was built up big time as a major fanboy and underdog of the season. However, Colton was actually a whiny, bigoted scumbag whom nearly everyone (Mayim Bialik excluded) hated on sight. When things didn’t go his way in the game (something that can happen to ANYONE, I would point out), or were moving too slowly, Colton, rather than use any strategic or social prowess to get his way, instead whined until everyone did stupid things to his benefit. Colton could not have made himself more unlikeable if he TRIED! I’ll go over it more in the “Twist” section, but the ultimate troll move on his part was to be eliminated in a non-standard way, such that we didn’t even get the satisfaction of voting him out. So yeah, pretty clear that this is a character disliked by the audience, including myself. And this is going to be your season’s flagship character? Not a good sign.

Not to say that Colton was the ONLY person remembered from this season. Oh, no, we also had to endure the vacuum of intelligence known as Kat Edorsson. Initially seeming like she would just be another bland, good-looking young woman for the audience to ogle at, Kat proved that wrong by possibly being the DUMBEST person ever put on the show. Her highlights include an inability to do math, getting her feelings hurt by basic gameplay, and not knowing what an appendix is. At the time, a lot of people liked her, since she was at least positive, but for myself, not a good character to have around. Just a personal pet peeve of mine, but I don’t tolerate acute stupidity well, and Kat’s defining feature was her stupidity. Well, two major characters in, and we’re 0-2 on finding a good one. Will we actually get someone entertaining this time around?

Probably not since the next big names to come out of this season are the ‘Zans. Yes, for some insane reason, CBS thought it would be a good idea to have not one but two grown men who refer to themselves as some variant on “Tarzan”. We had the straight up Greg “Tarzan” Smith, and the variant in Troy “Troyzan” Robertson. As their having such obnoxious nicknames might indicate, neither of these two is well-loved by the fanbase, and once again tarnish the good name of “Survivor”. In the case of Tarzan, the less hated of the two, we have someone who was a doctor, supposedly smart, but who spouted out what sounded like random nonsense a lot of the time. I would point out, though, that a lot of the “nonsense” was scientifically accurate, and merely sounded kind of out there to the layperson. I didn’t mind that about Tarzan so much. No, what I minded about Tarzan was his utter stupidity with the strategic and social aspects of the game. Tarzan did little to no work on his own strategic position, and outlasted his fellow men mainly because of sympathy from the women. He could have been another Chris Daugherty (“Survivor Vanuatu”) if he’d been a bit smarter, but instead, he just sat there and took it. On a season where the men are largely idiots, this we did not need. Troyzan, on the other hand, went the opposite route. True, he made his strategic gaffes, but where Tarzan could occasionally be funny or likable, Troyzan was just obnoxious. He’s best known for screaming “This is MY island!” after winning an immunity challenge, a move seen by everyone, both in and out of the game, as overdoing it. It’s strange, because at this point, with the men being dominated, and Troyzan the big physical threat, he SHOULD have been the underdog that everyone was rooting for. It goes to show how obnoxious he was that he was never embraced by the fanbase, even being denied a spot on the upcoming “Survivor Cambodia” since we didn’t need to see him again. Yep, 0-4 now. Our hunt for a good character continues.

One person who’s surprisingly still talked about today, though less commonly than those already mentioned, is Alicia Rosa. Similar to Troyzan, she was full of herself, believing she was running the game when she was little more than a pawn in the game of this season’s mastermind, whom we’ll be talking about shortly. She was also known for getting into weird nonsensical vendetta’s, notably against Christina Cha, who did absolutely nothing the entire season. Alicia was an over-the-top charicature of someone with delusions of grandeur, and at times it was fun to watch, at least more so than the other people on this season. Overall, though, both I and the rest of the audience found her random fighting tiring, and were glad to see the back of her.

I suppose I should also taking a minute, before moving onto the silver lining of the cast, to address who is currently the big name from this season: Monica Culpepper. She’s much talked aabout in the fanbase now, but more due to her performance on “Survivor Blood vs. Water”. Much like Jenna Lewis from “Survivor Borneo”, she’s someone who would become much more well-known after appearing on a later season, but still had some following initially. Monica is remembered as being the person screwed over by the tribe shuffle, and for being decent physically despite her older age (relatively speaking). She was liked ok her first time out, but no one really mourned her passing, since she could be occasionally entitled and didn’t really have all that great a game.

But now, you’ve been waiting for it. No cast of “Survivor” not even “Survivor Fiji”, is without merit, and even One World managed to produce a character that the fanbase likes and still talks about today. For all that One World is one of the more hated seasons of the show, pretty much everyone agrees that winner Kim Spradlin is one of the best the show has ever had. Initially, Kim just seemed like a decent strategic player who was a nice person, putting her a leg up over everyone else this season already. It quickly became clear, though, that Kim was actually a force to be reckoned with strategically, basically doing what Boston Rob did on “Survivor Redemption Island”, and running the table such that there was never an insurrection against her. That’s pretty impressive for a first-timer, and is one of the reasons why she’s considered one of the best to ever play. Unlike Boston rob, she didn’t have much of a character apart from her strategy. She’s a normal, sane person which is refreshing, but in “Survivor” terms makes you boring. On this season, though, boring beats out annoying any day and Kim is rightly the most beloved person on the cast. She played a fantastic strategic game (even if it did make for a boring season), and had nothing going against her. It’s nice to see strategy respected, and so Kim is definitely a worthy candidate in my eyes. Makes a better season star than Colton, anyway.

One person who gets talked about today, but more as a joke, is Hawaii-native Jonas Otsuji. A sushi chef, Jonas was actually a lot smarter than people give him credit for. He was the diplomat of the men, able to converse with pretty much anybody, and was ready to take the reins once Colton left. Unfortunately, he didn’t do such a good job with the reins, and was voted out shortly afterward. He’s remembered today mainly as a joke, as his distinctive, hesitant style of speaking is fun to imitate, and he was little more than a coattail rider with big aspirations. It’s a shame, though, because had Jonas lasted, he could have bene one of the greats, in my opinion. Hear me out on this: as I said, Jonas was a diplomat, so I think, given enough time, he might have been able to work out a cross-tribal alliance. He was a likable enough guy, and his only flaw was being willing to take a backseat to an obnoxious blowhard, a strategy that had worked well for past winners such as Natalie White (“Survivor Samoa”). Admittedly, he was up against Kim, who as I’ve said is one of the greats, but still I think Jonas had stuff to bring to the table that he never got a chance to. Plus, the men of this season were MORONS, pretty much to a man, and nearly all unlikeable. Compared to that, Jonas was about as good as you’d get. Much as I like him, though, even I cannot deny that he didn’t bring much to the season, and while he’s better than people give him credit for, and could be an unsung hero of the season, he doesn’t add a whole lot to counterbalance the awfulness of the cast.

That about does it for people who are remembered today, but as per usual, there are a few who were popular at the time who have faded into obscurity. The first is an interesting bit of casting: the first ever person with dwarfism to appear on “Survivor” Phlebotomist Leif Manson is remembered for his height… and that’s it. Yeah, I hesitate to call this “stunt casting”, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Leif was cast for his height alone. He brought literally NOTHING to the table, either as a character or as a strategist, and it’s only too right that time has forgotten him. Lastly their finalist Chelsea Meissner. Much like Ashley on “Survivor Redemption Island”, she was seen as an acceptable alternative to win, just because she did a little bit more than her other competitors. While she was never going to be one of the greats in any department, she put in a token effort at being an individual in the game, for which she deserves some credit. She was also likable enough, but again, just too generic to make much of a lasting impression. Compared to her competition this season, though? She’s a freaking standout!

But that should tell you what you need to know about the cast. The addition of Kim gives it a few points above the minimum, but having a stupid and annoying cast is the major flaw of the season.

Score: 3 out of 10.

CHALLENGES

Jumping ahead a bit, this season had a “Men vs. Women” twist. One of the drawbacks to this, that I’ve mentioned before, is that challenges need to be very balanced, which can, and often does, lead to boring challenges. Such is the case here, but not only do we have boring challenges, we have boring REUSED challenges. Aside from the occasional standout, such as transporting a barrel full of water with holes in it, this season’s challenges are either reused, lame, or forgettable. Not good, to say the least.

Score: 2 out of 10.

TWISTS

Before talking about the twists of One World, I should give mention to the twists that did NOT happen on One World. Specifically, Redemption Island was nixed, and the cast was entirely original. This is what I mean when I say that One World was trying hard to please. People hated both of these twists to begin with, and them being reused on “Survivor South Pacific” made us all sick of them. Therefore, I think it was a VERY good idea to get rid of these elements! If people don’t like them, don’t use them again, plain and simple. As I’ve said, I’m not opposed to bringing back players for a season, but I also agree that it was time for a change. It was starting to look like “Survivor” had no confidence in finding new players, and so we needed a season to convince us that new players were still worth watching. That season wasn’t One World, but it was a valiant effort nonetheless.

As to the twists that DID happen on One World, the first would be the titular “One World” twist itself, namely that both tribes share a beach, at least initially. This is not as original a twist as it was made out to be, since we’d seen this sort of thing briefly on “Survivor Palau” and more extensively on “Survivor Thailand”, but this time promised to be a more extended version of said twist. And, despite how hated the season, and by extension the twist, has become, I think it actually went rather well. Looking at the first two or three episodes self-contained, there’s a lot to like about it. You’ve got tribes negotiating, and how people react to said negotiations. You’ve got espionage, with the women’s Salani tribe trying to steal fire from the men’s Manono tribe. You’ve even got some cross-tribal allegiances, since if one tribe found the other’s hidden immunity idol, it needed to be given to someone on the proper tribe. The only problem with the latter is that this is how Colton came to power, with Sabrina Thompson (someone who otherwise made no impact on the season, despite making the Final Tribal Council) giving him the Manono hidden immunity idol after she found it. This is good stuff, which we mostly hadn’t seen before. Really, apart from the whole Colton thing, the only reason this twist failed, such as it did, was because the cast was so bad that nobody cared about the twist. For my part, though, it still came off well, apart from the “Colton comes to power” thing mentioned earlier. I do have a personal gripe with it, though. The twist was dismantled as of episode 5. Oh sure, they came together again at the merge, but that’s to be expected. If your season is called “One World”, I expect there to be ONE WORLD the entire time. It made it seem like the producers had no confidence in the twist, and so dismantled it. When your season is NAMED after said twist, it makes it look like the season itself is bad, which you do not want to do. Ugh, just keep them all on one beach, what’s the harm in that?

A twist that went along with the “One World” twist, unfortunately, was the third time tribes were divided by gender. True, there was a larger gap here than between “Survivor The Amazon” and “Survivor Vanuatu”, but people were still sick of repeat twists, myself included. While I was eager to see a tiebreaker in “Battle of the Sexes” seasons, to see whether with this twist men or women are more likely to win (it’s women), I was discouraged because we’d seen this play out before. Why do we need to watch the same twist play out the same way over and over again? You could have just kept the tribes mixed, we wouldn’t have minded. While I’ll normally defend the twists of One World, this is one that just didn’t need to happen, and wasn’t that interesting to begin with.

But wait! The season had to start out with yet another twist! We got a repeat of the “Gather supplies for your tribe off the vehicle” start, dating all the way back to “Survivor Borneo”, though due to the use of a truck, this one more closely resembles the iteration from “Survivor Tocantins”. Unlike the “Battle of the Sexes” tribe division, this reused twist went over very well in the eyes of both myself and the audience. Partly this is due to the fact that this twist is brief but exciting, but also due to the fact that something DIFFERENT happened with it this time. Michael Jefferson (another boring person who had no impact) finally had the idea that the audience had had for a while wherein Michael simply waited for Salani to dump their supplies off the truck, then stole them. Sadly, Michael would not live up to this early excitement, but it’s a good way to start off a season noneless. Shame this pattern didn’t continue.

The first person voted off this season, Kourtney Moon, was also a twist, though not in the manner of blindside. One stage of the first immunity challenge involved jumping off a platform onto a net. You had to land a specific way to be safe. Kourtney messed it up, and broke her wrist. Probst stopped the challenge, and Kourtney was eventually medevaced for x-rays and ultimately surgery, making her the earliest game-ending injury ever. Certainly a unique way to start a season, but also kind of a letdown in a sense. Hard to say whether this was good or bad, but I’ll give it a pass for being memorable.

Episode 2 was mostly quiet, but introduced us to another staple of the season: Probst-less challenges. This had been tried out on “Survivor Samoa”, but were utilized more often here. Instead of going to the challenge, tribes received one at tree mail, and had to run it themselves. It would come back in later episodes of One World as well. These challenges ultimately didn’t amount to much (they were quickly forgotten), and most people consider them a bad idea. I have to roll my eyes, however, since these are, by and large, the same people who complain about how much Probst talks during challenges. In my opinion, these are a good idea, just not executed very well. What’s needed is some contestant who’s a good showman, who can really make these challenges exciting. We just haven’t had that yet. Most people will disagree with me, but I’d be up for giving Probst-less challenges another try. Still, if we’re judging by this season alone, they’re a flop.

We get our first blindside in episode 3, wherein Colton comes to power, and takes out the chauvinistic head of the other alliance, Matt Quinlan. Normally, I’d call this a pretty exciting shake up. After all, Colton used his idol to unite the misfits to take out the cool kids. This WOULD be compelling tv if it weren’t for the fact that Colton basically WHINED his way to an alliance, and nobody wanted him to succeed. The domination of Colton, while overall well-done, is the beginning of the end for the season.

Up until this point, while One World wasn’t the strongest of seasons, most people agreed that it had some good elements. Then episode 4 came around. The episode infamous for the dumbest move in “Survivor” history.

So, in episode 4, Manono won immunity in a landslide. But Colton, ever tolerant, can’t stand to hear Bill Posely, the black would-be comedian of no note on the season, say “Bro” one more time, and so asks that his tribe give up immunity to vote off Bill. And, despite nearly everybody agreeing that it’s a bad idea, and it needing to be a unanimous consensus for the tribe to go, they do. Now you see what people hate about One World. The depths of stupidity and in this case racism that the cast will go to was just so unpleasant, so mind-boggling, that no one liked it. These were bigger idiots than we’d seen on the previous seasons! Can’t we go back to having smart people? Suffice to say the utter stupidity of this move is what killed the season for a lot of people, including myself. Not a good move there guys. Not a good move at all.

Oh, and you know what ultimately convinced Manono to commit this act of stupidity? Colton’s whining. Yes, he was SO instant upon going to Tribal Council that they went just to shut him up. THAT’S how bad Colton was to watch.

Following the ouster of Bill, we have ourselves a tribe shuffle, wherein the tribes are now separated by beach (which, as I’ve stated, was NOT a good idea), and the Manono tribe gets screwed. All the strength goes to Salani, and sure enough, Manono goes to the next two Tribal Councils. Here we have the fall of first Monica in episode 5, and then Colton in episode 6. Colton’s ouster was a double twist, as he went via a “stomach bug”. People have claimed that Colton faked this illness, but I like to give the guy a benefit of a doubt here. Even so, this was not a good way for Colton to go. True, better to have him out of the season if possible, but we all wanted a dramatic comeuppance for the whiny idiot, not getting taken out in a lame way. The season was already doomed, but this did little to help it.

Both tribes were brought to Tribal Council to discuss Colton’s exit (it’s here that we get Kat’s infamous “appendix” scene), and are then merged at Tribal Council. A cool idea, but a bit soon for a merge, and as we’ll see, it did in Jonas.

You see, Jonas had been riding Colton’s coattails from very early on. Apart from some good negotiating with the women, which I alluded to earlier, Jonas hadn’t really made a name for himself. But now, he was ready to take charge, and… the women saw this and got rid of him instantly. Thanks to the presence of Kim and the early merge, the women were a united front, whereas the men were fractured. The merge was even in terms of numbers, but Jonas’ departure set the stage for Kim’s victory. After that, nothing else really happened. The win for Kim was a foregone conclusion. Everyone loved her, and whenever talk of an upset happened, Kim was always part of the plan. The men were idiots, and the women took over. Not that there’s anything wrong with that plotline, it’s just that it made the rest of the season predictable. Nothing else of note happened. Oh sure, Jay Byars (a contestant of no note) and Kat were both blindsided, and Tarzan managed to win sympathy by asking only to make the loved one’s challenge, but these were minor alterations that did not impact the overall season.

The twists started out good here, but twists going wrong later on, coupled with an overall awful cast, mean this season’s twists fall flat. I give it credit for trying some original ideas, some of which I think worked early on, but that only gets you so far. Most of the twists after the first few episodes were either underdone, or we did not need to see them at all.

Score: 4 out of 10.

OVERALL

For all that this season tried to separate itself from the past couple of seasons, it actually ended up being more like them than expected. You had a predictable finish with a domineering winner, and a whole lot of people that were annoying, stupid, or both. Unity was the theme of the season, with a Generic South Pacific Island aesthetic, but it kind of fails as a theme when the season turns into a tribe-based Pagonging. Some of the ideas of One World were adequate, but again, it keeps coming back to an awful cast. While there are a few things about One World to appreciate here and there, on the whole, it just can’t overcome the awful cast and the stupid decisions. It does get slightly better than say “Survivor Redemption Island”, simply because seeing someone NEW dominate the game is more interesting than a returnee who had it handed to him on a silver platter, but this only makes it slightly better than its predecessors. As it stands, One World cannot be called a good season, by anyone’s measure.

Score: 11 out of 40.

ABSTRACT

One World is not a good season. If you’re looking for entertainment, this is not the season to go for. It has a lot of annoying and stupid people, and is utterly predictable. It does take a few risks, that may make it worth watching, but they tend not to outweigh the bad factors, and a number of them go nowhere. There is a future season that has returning contestants from this season, but a lot of them are early enough boots that in my book, there’s no need to see this season to largely understand what’s going on on that season. Unless you’re a major completionist of “Survivor”, or just want to be absolutely sure you understand future seasons, I suggest skipping this one.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor One World” Episode 7: Troyzan, Lord of the Shapes

Apologies for the relative lateness of the blog, a family gathering I rather wanted to partake in prevented me from starting to write immediately after the episode.  For the record, this was begun at 10:04 P.M., when events are still fairly fresh in my mind.

Following off the whirlwind that was the previous tribal council, we find that the castaways are about as confused as we are, and with reactions as varied.  Troyzan gives us the usual “new game” speech where he praises the fact that he’s playing an individual game.  Given that he’s in the majority alliance (currently the new Salani), he’s got reason to feel this way.  Less thrilled is Alicia, who, with no idol and virtually no alliance, sees her only recourse as going back to the women and trying to reinstate girl power around camp.  Given how paranoid you made them about the idol, Alicia, I’d call that a long shot at best.  If they think you have the idol and you don’t produce (a physical impossibility, barring that Alicia makes a fake idol, in which case all they’d have to do is put hers and Kim’s side by side and note the obvious differences to detect a fake) your ass is, as they say, “grass”.

Up next is the thing I’ve been angry about this whole season, so I’m sure you’re ready to hear me address it, so here it is: they finally have a full intro.  I know what you’re thinking.  You think I should be overjoyed, have that statement in all caps with several exclamation points on the end, and I’m not going to lie, I am happy they finally give us a full intro.  However, I have to note that they gave a full intro SEVEN EPISODES IN!  Halfway through the season and we finally get a full intro.  It’s an awful long time to wait, guys, and I think Kourtney, Nina, Matt, Bill, Monica, and Colton would have liked to be in it.  I know they were early boots, but it used to be that one guarantee of the show was that you’d get to see your name in that classic “Survivor” intro.  If I were those 6, I’d feel really disenfranchised.

Now, I can kind of see why they did it.  The way they had the intro edited, you could tell which people had switched tribes, and they didn’t want to spoil that until the merge.  However, I don’t buy this.  These people shoot HUNDREDS of hours of footage per day, and you’re telling me you can’t find about 5 seconds of footage of each person in their original tribe?  I call BS.

Intro rant over.  We get back to camp the next morning to find the all important “naming of the new tribe” ceremony.  As hotly contested as some of these debates has been (recall “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains” where I believe around a half dozen names were proposed and contested, or “Survivor All-Stars” where Alicia Calaway [“Survivor the Australian Outback”] and Amber Brkich [also “Survivor the Australian Outback”] took the time to draw up a chart of possible names) this one is very calm and quick, with Troyzan suggesting the name “Tikiano”, claiming it means “Year of the Gods”, and no one challenging it.  I have to admit, I’m not pleased with this, not because the name is particularly bad, but because it’s not good enough to wildly praise and not bad enough to make fun of.  It’s on the more ridiculous side of things, but it gives me no strong feelings one way or the other.  Given that half the point of this blog is entertainment, this annoys me.

Having settled on a name, tribe alchemist Jonas sets off to turn coconut into potato chips.  He is unsuccessful, but the results are tasty by all accounts.  Not so successful are TarZAN’s attempts at strategy.  Pulling Mike aside, TarZAN (I’m going to be sick of typing his name so often in this particular blog) tries to pull him on board for a “Guy Power” alliance, with Alicia brought on as an honorary male.  It’s alright in theory, but TarZAN doesn’t seem to have noticed that no one, not even most of the guys, much less Alicia, are on board with this.  Mike, for his part, does fake like he’s into the idea, but lets us know in an interview that there’s no way he’s going back with the people who put him on the outside.  Now if only someone taught Matt (“Survivor Redemption Island”) that lesson.

We warp to a challenge, and I’m rather surprised that it’s happening this early, as for the most part, immediately following a merge there’s only an immunity challenge, not a reward.  The usual consensus is that the merge feast is a reward, so no need for a challenge.  The producer’s have seen fit to produce one, and due to my previous disgust at the lack of reward challenges over the past couple seasons, I’m thrilled.

What I’m NOT so thrilled about is the challenge itself.  For one thing, it’s a challenge that divides the individuals into arbitrary teams, which while I don’t dislike happening every once in a while, its become too common lately, and as Troyzan said, it’s an individual game now, but this type of challenge distracts from it.  It does, however, support my theory that the producers moved the merge up after seeing the lopsidedness of the tribes, as this could easily have been a team challenge.  Another thing to dislike is the challenge itself.  My God is it plain.  A boring, unchallenging obstacle course, with a boring, unchallenging puzzle.  I should hate it for this, but who cares, it’s a reward challenge this early!  Probst offers the winning team pizza and beer, and also a mystery note to be read on the reward.

While the challenge itself is not that compelling, it was nice to see the story of the blue team’s struggle.  They initially fell very far behind due to Leif pulling himself the wrong way through a dig fence (the way he went he had no leverage) and also not carving out enough space for his butt.  Thankfully for them, a few stumbles by Sabrina on the same obstacle ties up the tribes.  Unfortunately, TarZAN puts himself on the puzzle, only to be utterly ineffectual, and then constantly deny that he’s been ineffectual.  Don’t worry, my rant on TarZAN is coming, I’m just saving it for later.

As you may have guessed, the orange team pulls out a narrow victory, and goes on reward.  After exclaiming over how good the pizza is, Alicia reads the note, informing the people present that another hidden immunity idol is in play.  I knew the producer’s wouldn’t let Colton keep it!  No, actually, this is an entirely new idol, ripe for the picking.  Of ALL the interesting interviews on this subject we could have received, we get Chelsea droning on about how bad it would be if a Manono got it.  Whether she means Manono as in “Men” or Manono as in “Switched Manono” remains to be seen.

Back at camp, more interesting things are happening, things like Jonas trying to save his own skin.  Unlike the deluded TarZAN, Jonas is fully aware that he’s in the minority alliance, and is desperately trying to pull something together, again using Mike as a potential swing vote.  Mike, whether to cause discord and enmity, or just to try and keep up the illusion that he is with them, tells Jonas what TarZAN told him.  At this, Jonas realizes that maybe forming an alliance with a volatile wild card was not the best idea, and confronts TarZAN in an attempt to corral him.  While this is something he should have done, Jonas admittedly goes about it in a very bad way, being confrontational and talking down to TarZAN.  Not exactly the way to influence people, Jonas.  Actually, we’ll see that a lot this evening: Jonas having the right idea, but not execute it well at all.

To be fair, though, TarZAN was not exactly reasonable either.  He was quick to anger, got defensive easily, and ultimately washed himself of the alliance, a move that only hurts both of them.  To add to the insanity, TarZAN admits that he never liked Jonas, which is funny, because last episode when he told Christine that he liked the entire tribe EXCEPT her, I thought Jonas was included in that.  TarZAN then tells us that when he says things from the heart, he means it, which again, is odd given his statements last episode.  Oh no, this is not my TarZAN rant either, you’ll see it in a bit.

After commercial, we see that Troyzan has gotten up early, not to work but to go idol hunting, on an “early bird” principle.  After a fairly funny scene in which Troyzan, believing to have found an idol, instead gets pinched by a crab, he succeeds, and I give him credit not only for taking the initiative, but also taking the logical step of not telling anyone.  Given that the women seem to be in power at the moment, I’d call this a good move on his part.  Admittedly, this is mired somewhat by Troyzan being Coach-like and kissing his own biceps in celebration of his awesomeness, but at least here he did something to merit it.

Oddly Troyzan, despite all promises in the pre-game interviews, has not been very Coach-like so far.  True, he’s had his moments of insanity and shameless self-promotion, but for the most part, he’s played a under-the-radar, logical, opportunistic game.  It’s not what we promised, but after so much Coach last season, I’ll take it!

Challenge Time!  Today’s challenge is brought to you by “Survivor Redemption Island”, because it truly is a season well-liked by the viewing audience!  No, actually, it’s because it’s a fairly easy challenge to produce for individual competition that is still, admittedly challenging.  It could be argued that this destroys my “Move the Merge” theory, but I would point out that challenges are built well in advance, so they probably had the majority done already, and all they had to do was to build a few extra podiums, disks, and balls, which given a few day’s lead time would be fairly easy.  Overall, it’s a boring challenge, involving balancing 3 balls on a disc for as long as possible.  While it’s boring visually, I can’t deny that it’s challenging, which I suppose makes it an ok challenge.

All bets are off as to who will win, though my money is on Leif, due to his lower center of gravity.  I’d lose, however, as Troyzan pulls out a narrow victory over Kat, who contributes the most she’s ever done to a challenge by simply standing there.  This really is Troyzan’s episode.  He’s getting some good strategy in, he found an immunity idol, and he just won a difficult immunity challenge.  Props to you, man.

Back at the camp, and Troyzan is all hunky-dory, as are the Salani 7.  Deciding who to vote off is fairly simple.  Jay and Chelsea go off to have a “Who can talk more slowly?” contest, and use it to conclude that Jonas, as the ringleader of Manono, must go.  I can’t say this is a bad choice, but for my money, I’d have gone with TarZAN for the vote.  He annoys everyone, so it brings tranquility to the tribe, it keeps around the guys who’s cooking you food, and curry’s some favor with potential jury members, as I’m fairly certain both sides want him gone.  Still, I can’t fault them the decision, as the only real problem is that everyone likes Jonas, and it would be hard to vote him off.  In this game, that doesn’t matter, and Grand High Duchess Kim’s Seal of Approval seems to end Jonas’ game.

Now we get the misdirection that I don’t believe at all.  Troyzan, deciding that playing both sides might be a good idea (in my opinion it could go either way) informs Jonas, who seems incredulous that these people would target the leader of the alliance.  Troyzan offers Jonas his full support, and for my money, I can’t figure out why.  Playing both sides is one thing, but Troyzan, this is overstepping the bounds.  This could easily come back to bite you in final tribal.

Jonas, feeling the need for more allies now the vote approaches, offers to reconcile with TarZAN who instantly agrees.  Hypocritical, yes, but there’s still MORE insanity to be had, just you wait viewing audience.  Together they formulate a strategy to vote for Kat as “they can’t think of anything better.”  This is just lazy and unconvincing.  Furthermore, they could easily come up with a better strategy.  For my money, Jonas had a good idea in targeting Mike, as he was on the outs with the Salani 7, still got rid of a guy, and was a physical threat.  Why he didn’t go to Salani and propose this compromise, I have no idea.

Tribal will have to wait, however, TarZAN has wardrobe issues.  Specifically a brown stain on his underwear making everyone believe he has shit himself, and no one wanting to wash their clothes with his.  Yet, in an effort to conserve water, he slips his undies in with a load of Chelsea’s wash.  She politely requests that he remove it, which he initially does, which could have been the end of it, but no, TarZAN puts it back in, making the (admittedly correct) argument that the hot water will kill any bacteria.

Alright, TarZAN rant time: THE MAN IS INSANE!  We’ve had a lot of insane castaways these days, and this episode cements TarZAN as a member of those ranks.  The man changes his mind for reasons no one can comprehend, goes off all angry at the weirdest things, and insists on forcing issues that are best left alone.  The real kicker for me is that he’s obviously intelligent, based upon his vocabulary and some of his arguments, but he presents himself in such a way that no one can take him seriously.  He’s entertaining, I’ll give him that, but I reiterate, THE MAN IS INSANE!  I certainly wouldn’t trust him to be my doctor.

His argument with Chelsea does get her to try and convince Salani to get him out, but again, I don’t buy this misdirection for a minute.

We come to what I can only describe as one of the most pathetic Tribal Council performances ever.  As a note to future contestants who may read this blog, study this Tribal Council closely, and NEVER repeat any of the things done here.  Do not do what Jonas did, and single out the guy you’re voting for.  Do not do what TarZAN did and go off on your ally for no reason, and declare your vote (again, INSANE).  Do not do what Jonas did AGAIN, and reveal your other target, this time with no argument behind why.  Emulate Kim, in giving acceptable answers that get rid of Probst and don’t technically lie (ok, so there was ONE good part about tribal).  Do not do what Chelsea did and single out the person you dislike, and go into detail as to WHY.  If you follow these easy steps, you too may be a sole Survivor.

Not surprisingly, Jonas goes home, and I have to admit I’m disappointed.  For all that I ragged on him in this blog, he was finally starting to come into his own, and could have been an interesting character.  Again, he lacks in execution of his plans, but he was still learning.

Oh well, no sense in mourning what might have been, instead, let’s mourn what was!  You guessed it, it’s time for another:

TOP 5 and BOTTOM 5!

Today’s category, as my ranting may have indicated, is crazy people.  Given that it’s hard to have a bottom 5 “crazy” category, my bottom 5 is going to be composed of people who played cool, calculating, predictable games.  Let’s waste not more time, and get to the list!

Top 5

5. Greg “Tarzan” Smith (“Survivor One World”): Maybe it’s bad form to put the entry from the current season this early in the list, but that’s honestly where he belongs.  As I’ve mentioned, the man is inconsistent and not good with communication, not to mention having no idea how to influence people.  His performances and denials tonight, in my mind, are enough to merit a spot on this list.  What saves him from being farther up is that fact that he does appear to have a modicum of intelligence (unlike most of the other people in the “Top 5” section), but that still doesn’t excuse the insanity.

4. Shannon “Shambo” Waters (“Survivor Samoa”): Another somewhat underplayed insane “Survivor”, but I think “Shambo” has earned her spot on the list.  Her hairstyle is a factor, being rather insane in this era, but the woman also constantly failed at many things, then questioned why her tribe disliked her.  When she tried to explain things, she often made no sense, and spoke in odd metaphors.  But the big crazy moment for her is a dream in which she believed she killed Dave Ball (“Survivor Samoa”), which she interpreted as a sign.  I’m a Psych major, and even for me, finding such clarity in dreams is insane (not to mention that dream interpretation is an inexact art), and merits a spot on this list.

3. Cao Boi Bui (“Survivor Cook Islands”): Ah, who could forget the famous headache healing Boat person from the racially divided season?  He was rather older than his tribe mates (a common feature amongst most on this list), and also more seeped in old world culture.  At first, this just leaked out in small ways, such as racially insensitive jokes and the ability to heal headaches through massage (on a side note, I always thought his tribe unnecessarily complained about his headache healing.  Given the choice between a splitting headache and a red fleck on my forehead for a few days, I take the latter each time).  But then Cao Boi started to go further from the mainstream, such as doing a strange, leaping fire dance to start a fire (though admittedly, like his headache cure it was effective), carting the Immunity Idol with him everywhere, and, like “Shambo” having a dream about who to vote off, resulting in the ill-fated “Plan Voodoo”.  Anyone who can come up with a name like that and take it seriously has EARNED their spot on this list.

2. Phillip “Special Agent?” Sheppard (“Survivor Redemption Island”): Look me in the eye and tell me that the man who walked around in tight pink briefs with no shame was not at least a little crazy.  But even this just scratches the surface, the man insisted upon using animal metaphors for everything, and even went so far as to tie a feather to his forehead (making him look ridiculous for the rest of the game).  Add his communions with Great-Grandpa Jessum to the mix, and you have one of the craziest Survivors every, but not quite as…

1. Shane Powers (“Survivor Exile Island”): I’ve used the term “crazy” really loosely in this list, but the only one I think was actually insane is Shane Powers.  It’s understandable, the man quite smoking 3 packs a day cold turkey going into the game.  Adjusting to the elements is hard enough, having to detox from cigarettes can only compound the effects.  It was so bad that Shane actually tried to quit, only to turn on a dime and not want to quit, but even THIS erratic behavior is only the tip of the iceberg.  I could write an entire essay on why Shane is the #1 craziest Survivor, so here I will include a brief list of incidents involving Shane’s craziness: threatening to kill fellow castaways, insisting that Cirie, as a nurse, be the one to examine his genitals for a rash, his innumerable sound bytes, “Shane’s Thinking Seat”, and, lest we forget, “Shane’s Blackberry.”  Enjoy your title, man, you earned it.

Honorable Mention: Matthew Von Ertfelda (“Survivor The Amazon”): One that had to be struck from the list due to my definition of “crazy” that I used.  Still, I had to at least give mention to the man voted “Most needs to see a psychologist” by his fellow castaways (including himself).  Matthew is remembered most for an episode in which he could not stop sharpening a machete, and several contestants commented on how he would likely kill them in a fit of rage.  Not crazy like these other people, but, admittedly, crazy in another way that at least deserves mentioning.  As a pathetic side note, Matthew is the closest I have ever come to having the person I rooted for at the beginning of the game win the whole thing.

Bottom 5

5. Parvati Shallow (“Survivor Cook Islands”): I’ve said before that Parvati knows how to do one thing, but she does it exceedingly well.  This is flirt to play people, and it’s earned her the second most consecutive days on the show, no small feat.  However, BECAUSE she does it so well she earns her spot on this list.  Flirting is a risky strategy, and you REALLY need to know how to dispense it properly in order for it to work.  That it has worked so well for Parvati shows how calculating she can be, and why she’s on the list.

4. “Boston Rob” Mariano (“Survivor Marquesas”): How could I not include the man so often compared to the Godfather?  You’ve heard of his virtues on countless fan sites before, so I don’t need to extol them here, particularly given my distaste for Boston Rob. He’s not a bad character, and again, he’s certainly good at knowing how to run an alliance, his performance on “Survivor Redemption Island” shows that.  I simply feel that the hype isn’t deserved for the amount he gets.  And for the record, I would point out that, although he does hold the record for most days on “Survivor”, he is ahead of Parvati by only 3 days, having played a whole entire season more than her.

3. Richard Hatch (“Survivor Borneo”): It was only a matter of time before the infamous Hatch made it on one of my lists.  Arguably the father of the alliance, Richard made his mark by forming an alliance when almost no one else thought to, and then systematically eliminating the other tribe.  Richard is denied the number one spot, only because I question how well his methods would work now, as evidenced by his placement in “Survivor All-Stars”.  Still, most former Survivors owe their ideas to him, originally, and he’s certainly a calculating individual.

2. Yul Kwan (“Survivor Cook Islands”): If Boston Rob acted the part of a mafia boss, Yul lived the part.  Probably one of the most normal, book smart people “Survivor” ever cast (he is remembered for having a complex proof comparing a “Survivor” challenge to an elephant trying to run up a tree), Yul’s voting strategy was described by fellow contestants as “like putting a hit on somebody”.  Yul knew just how long to keep someone around, and when to eliminate them, and how to appease the people on the jury.  He did this so well that he managed to beat Ozzy in a final tribal council.  Admittedly it was a narrow margin, but Ozzy was well liked, and a physical player, and physical players are often favored by the jury, so Yul’s impressive feat earns him the #2 spot.

1. Brian Heidik (“Survivor Thailand”): Admittedly, he’s a lot of the reason “Survivor Thailand” is so hated in “Survivor” history, but you have to give him credit, he was cold and calculating to the point of being emotionless (though he was a used car salesman).  Every move he made was designed to get him the million, and, in that area he succeeded.  In life, not so much, he’s a despicable human being, but certainly the most calculating Survivor.

Honorable Mention: Cirie Fields (“Survivor Exile Island”): To give her her due, Cirie is a good strategist, and certainly knows how to play people just right, but 2 things bar her from this list.  The first is that she never won (something everyone else did) and second that in her early days she was fueled by emotion.  Still, she’s quite intelligent, and that deserves to be acknowledged.

Whew, that was a long list.  Yes, lackluster episode, but next week promises Tribal loyalty dilemmas, which are usually fun to watch, and best of all NO COLTON!  So, hopefully next week will be a good one!

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.