Well, I promised y’all some more pre-season content, and I’m swiftly running out of time to do so! The writing bug has bit, so let’s scratch the itch, and keep up my self-imposed obligations at the same time. This of you who are long-time readers can probably guess what’s coming, but for those who only hopped on as of the last couple seasons, allow me to explain:
Back when I started the blog, sometimes recapping the episode just wasn’t enough. I had more that I wanted to talk about, hence the creation of this feature: TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5! Yes, the all-caps are mandatory when it’s not in the title. Basically, at the end of a given blog, I would take some topic relevant to the episode, and list off my personal Top 5 and Bottom 5 things in that category. Usually something relevant to the episode, or to the discussion currently going on in the “Survivor” community at the time. There wasn’t a set schedule for this, as I personally couldn’t predict when something I felt like talking about would come up, but I tried to do it at least once a season. If you’re wondering why you don’t remember the one for “Survivor 41”… Well, that’s because I didn’t do one.
Top 5 and Bottom 5 had become less and less frequent as the seasons progressed, for a variety of reasons. Partly this was just due to running low on topics I hadn’t yet covered (and after doing this blog for 10 years now, I think I’m entitled to that issue), but that was not the only factor. The fact was that the more I blogged, the more tiring it became to write such long posts immediately after an episode, and adding in such a list added a good 1/2 hour onto the time. Time when I could be sleeping. Add onto that my often feeling like I rushed to get the list together to get to sleep sooner, and thereby not doing a job I was satisfied with, and you see that this particular feature was giving me issues. Thus, I quietly seemed to shelve the idea, but I felt bad about it It’s as much a staple of the blog as some random contestant bursting into my house to correct me on something, and thus I was loathe to give it up entirely. As such, I sat around waiting for inspiration.
And inspiration came, both in the form of a new topic I wanted to cover, and a new idea for how to do it. After all, there’s no rule saying I can ONLY do blogs after episodes during the on-season. And if what I need is time, why not give it to myself?
So, we arrive at the solution, which you see here. TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5 will both continue to be a part of this blog, and no longer be a regular blog. I’ll still do them when inspiration strikes, but rather than tack them onto the end of an already overly-long blog, I’ll do them as stand-alone features between episodes. That way, I can take my time, and not feel like I’m missing out on sleep! Everyone wins!
Now, since I’m sure some of you are not familiar with the format I use, let me briefly explained: I will list, in ascending order my favorite and least favorite for a given topic. In this case, we’re talking about the various occupations “Survivor” contestants have had. For reference, I’m talking exclusively about US “Survivor”, not because international seasons are bad, but just because I haven’t watched them, and so can’t really comment on the occupations listed in the chyrons there. I’ll also include one “Honorable Mention” for each category, for something that I don’t think fits on the list proper, but I still want to talk about.
Well, this introduction has gone on for a page. Let us waste no more time, and get to the listing!
TOP 5
5. Former Federal Agent?: Right off the bat, we see that distinctiveness alone can earn an occupation a spot on this list. Generally, the more specific, the better. Here, the specificity of the former, coupled with the simultaneously specific and generic title of “Federal Agent” certainly make the occupation stick in the mind. And, if that didn’t work, Phillip Sheppard would bring it up in every confessional that wasn’t about Great-Grandpa Jessum. So, it sticks out for sure, but what makes it fun? Well, friends, the answer is in the editing. If you are blessedly free of the experience of watching “Survivor Redemption Island”, then the thing to know here is that the titular Phillip was portrayed as, well, not all there. Talking about his tattoos giving him power, communing with the aforementioned Great-Grandpa Jessum, and flaunting his hot pink undies at multiple opportunities, Phillip was, fairly or unfairly, not portrayed in the best light. This, in turn, made us question everything about the man, including what could be considered a relatively above-board occupation. The editors, playing off this speculation, decided to have some fun, and added a question mark to the occupation, the first time they had fun with the chyrons (though by no means the last). That is the legendary part that lands this occupation on the “Top 5” list, though I’ll admit it is barred from being higher due to it being a joke put in by the editing team, rather than just the occupation itself.
4. Exotic Animal Veterinarian: Once again, specificity matters. “Veterinarian” is a fairly generic, if harmless, job. “Exotic Animal Veterinarian” is much more evocative in the mind, especially since your average “Survivor” local is crawling with said “Exotic Animals”. Yes, Omar’s occupation from the upcoming “Survivor 42” inspired this list, and I’m happy to have him on here. That said, I do have to gripe that most of the official sources just list his occupation as “Veterinarian”, which, as I said, much less interesting. I have heard him called “Exotic Animal Veterinarian” in podcasts and non-CBS sources, so I’m willing to still say it qualifies, but I hope his chyron is the full, specific title when the season actually airs. Such a title must not be confined to word of mouth alone!
3. Coconut Vendor: Wait, this is a job? Really? I mean, I guess it makes sense. One can understand what a “Vendor” is, and if one sells exclusively coconuts, one could be considered a “Coconut Vendor”. Still, the title alone makes you take a second glance, and that’s a lot of what this list is about. Apart from just being an odd turn of phrase, the like of which is unlikely to be seen again on this show, it makes you wonder just what Vince’s business model is. Like, is there really that much of a market for coconuts? When you look into the details, it’s a bit more mundane. Vince basically gathers coconuts that he sells as a cool, refreshing drink on beaches. Sort of like those ice cream vendors, but with coconuts. I can see how it works, but it still turns my head, as I said. Coupled with the coupling of Vince and “nuts”, two ideas that, as the season demonstrated, stick together, and you’ve got an occupation that’s not only amusing, but appropriate to the subject as well.
2. Magician’s Assistant: Yes, you will still be force-fed my love for “Survivor Guatemala”, even in the on-season! While not as unusual an occupation as some we’ve seen on this list, in that the layman has probably actually HEARD of this occupation, it’s still one you don’t see every day, and so again, will likely turn a few heads. And while the occupation itself is not one that really applies to the game of “Survivor”, think of the metaphors one could use in relation to this one! Pulling off a blindside compared to pulling a rabbit out of a hat! Being caught between two alliances is like being sawed in half! Pretty much any reference to a magic wand being used in conjunction with the game! And we get NONE of them, because Morgan was gone too early to do much of anything. It’s this wasted potential that keeps this occupation from the top spot overall, but for how this occupation stands out from the many generic occupations we see on this show, it more than earns a high spot on this list.
1. Mechanical Bull Operator: While we do not have the potential for metaphors here that we’ve had with some of the previous occupations, when I think “Odd Occupations” this is the one that comes to me. Once again, it’s an occupation the like of which we’ve not seen before, and will likely not see again. Visually, it stands alone for being SO long that they actually had to size down the font to get it to fit visually in the chyron. But then, for me, there’s just the oddity of the occupation itself. I mean, this is a job? Granted, you have to assume that SOMEONE has to operate a mechanical bull where a mechanical bull is present, but the job title implies that this is the ONLY duty entrusted to John Kenny. As one usually comes across mechanical bulls in bars, one would assume that it’s bar staff operating them, but as kind of a side thing, with their overall job title being “Bartender”. I just envision John talking with someone about his career kind of like this: “What do you do?” “I operate the mechanical bull.” “Oh, you mean you bartend?” “No, just the bull. Nothing else.” Like, is that what’s he’s referred to in his contract? Does he just sit at the controls from opening to closing, giving patrons what they perceive as a chance at glory? It just raises so many questions, and I have an inordinate amount of fun speculating about them. How could such a job NOT top this list?
Honorable Mention: Russell Hantz’s Nephew: While this technically counts, as it was used in the chyron where the occupation goes, but I can’t put it on the list proper due to said technicality. While I would consider “Related to Russell Hantz” as stressful as a full-time job, it technically doesn’t pay anything, mostly because Russell can’t afford it without that million-dollar check. Brandon did, of course, have a regular job, but in the ultimate tip of the hand from the editors, they made it clear that Brandon was not who you were supposed to care about. Rather, you were supposed to care about who he was related to, and who the show wanted to invoke to milk more cash out of the franchise. I should be upset at this blatant motivation, but honestly, it’s just so brazen, it circles back around to being funny, and that counts for something at least.
BOTTOM 5
5. Housing Case Manager: One difference you’ll notice from the “Top 5” list is that I don’t mention a lot of occupations specific to one individual in the “Bottom 5” list. Instead, I’ll be going over broad categories of jobs, since to me, the worst jobs are the generic ones, the ones you can’t tie to any person in particular. This is the exception, which is a real shame, because it comes from “Survivor Vanuatu”, I would argue the best season for fun occupations alone! Aside from the aforementioned “Mechanical Bull Operator”, Vanuatu also gave us “Sheep Farmer”, “Drill Sergeant”, “Equity Research Assistant”, “Coffee Barista”, “Pre-Law Student”, and TWO variations on “Highway Repair Person”! Perhaps that’s what makes this one so frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, Rory’s job definitely stands out, but the wording, to me, is just unclear, as someone who has held the more general title of “Case Manager” in his career. Is he a general case manager who specializes in housing matters? Does he work for an organization that specializes in housing? Is his case management related to home repair, or to the living situation of the people in the home? My point is that, while I understand in general what Rory probably does, the specifics of it confuse me, and raise too many questions. John Kenny’s raised a lot of questions as well, but I at least had a general idea of what he did. With Rory, apart from being related to social work, I just don’t get it. It’s still better than being generic, so I would never DREAM of putting it higher on the list than this, but for how much it frustrates me, I had to include it here.
4. Student: An occupation becoming all the more common, especially if the reports I’m hearing about the show lowering its minimum age to 16 are true. We have now left the realm of individuality, and find ourselves in the doldrums of forgettableness. I haven’t done the math personally, but I think it’s a safe bet that THIS is the most common occupation we get on “Survivor”. So many people in some form of higher eduction end up playing, and this makes for a good catch-all term for them, that I feel like it gets slapped on a lot of players, both good and bad. There’s nothing WRONG with being a student, but without a prefix like “Pre-Law” attached, it tells us little about that person, and next to nothing about their play style. Students have gone early; they’ve made it to the end. But we remember their personality, not their job. Overall a good thing, but for this particular list, not so much.
3. Model/Actor: These two are often paired together under the portmanteau “Mactor”, and as my reasoning for disliking both is the same, I decided to pair them together here as well. While either does tell us a bit more about the person’s ambitions than the more generic “student”, there’s still a wide range under both those job titles, and a similarly wide range of success and failure. There’s just very little to go on, other than this person is likely hungry for exposure. And that’s really what sets these occupations above “Student”, the seeming quick grab for fame. While this motivation is not UNIQUE to these occupations, a lot of the time, people holding these job titles come across as coming, not for adventure or the game, but to get exposure. This is a generalization, of course, and there are always exceptions, but it feels hollow, especially during the time when I was a fan applying to the show, and felt every spot NOT taken up by a fan was unfairly snatched from me. I’ve mellowed since then, but there’s still that knee-jerk reaction. It didn’t help that we saw a rise in such an occupation around the time the show went HEAVY on the recruits, which while not bad in and of itself, got overused and led to several lackluster casts. Thus, the career and the type of cast became intertwined, and the occupation still has yet to shake off such the whole stigma. So, for all this vitriol, why is this only number 3? Join me at number 2.
2. Lawyer: Say what you will about students and mactors, at least they don’t try to shoehorn in how their occupation has prepared them for “Survivor” all the damn time. The same cannot be said for our top 2 occupations on this list. If I have to hear ONE MORE LAWYER talk about how they’re prepared to manage a jury, or manipulate, or argue their case, I will go and take the bar exam myself just to show them up. Look, some occupations prepare you more for “Survivor” than others, but I think most would agree that the courtroom and the wilderness are two very different areas. Even the “Arguing in front of a jury” part doesn’t match one for one, partly because you don’t need to convince everyone of your side, partly because there’s less facts and evidence, and more people’s perceptions. That said, if they keep their occupational relations to a minimum, lawyers can be some of the more fun characters to watch. My love of Kass McQuillen of “Survivor Cagayan” is evidence of that. But for those that I love, it’s in SPITE of their occupation, and more so their forced links to it, not because of it.
1. Professional Poker Player: As one would imagine, this occupation shares a lot of the same issues as the lawyer. Once again, we have an occupation that LOVES to talk about how well it has prepared the person for “Survivor”, and how great they are at reading people. The trouble is, no, no it really doesn’t. Apart from their being a big difference in getting people’s tells when you’re close to them in a climate controlled room, and detecting a spoken lie in the wilderness, poker, at its core, involves a large amount of luck. Now, “Survivor” has always had an element of luck in it, and if current trends continue, it will certainly match the luck present in poker by “Survivor 45”, but the two just aren’t comparable at the time of this writing. You’ll note that, for all my disparaging of the lawyers, I DID note that some had had success in the game, and I could even concede one or two ways in which their career might carry over to “Survivor” particularly in the area of needing to persuade people. But really, the big thing that sets this occupation apart is that, to my knowledge, every single person who has had this listed as their occupation is SO ANNOYING! Not only is arrogance a common trait among them, but pretty much every single person with this as their occupation is either terrible at the game (see Adelstein, Garrett), “unpleasant” (to put it mildly) as a person (see Bellande, Jean-Robert), or both (see Khait, Anna). Every single time they talk about how well-prepared they are, and every single time, they’re wrong. There’s almost no variety in this archetype, and it just needs to end. Please.
Honorable Mention: One Immunity Idol: Continuing the trend from the previous list, our honorable mention goes to something that is not TECHNICALLY an occupation, but goes in the same place as one. And once again, it’s the editors tipping their hand to what really matters to them, though this time, rather than being funny, it’s just sad. “Survivor” is meant to be a social game, where the people playing it matter the most. All aspects of them, including their occupation, are at least somewhat relevant information to impart to the audience. When that gets dumped in favor of “Who has what advantage?”, you’re both showing that you have too many advantages in the show, and getting away from the core of what made your show great in the first place. It may be a symptom of a larger problem, but that problem is great enough that it lands at least an honorable mention on this list.
My, this goes on longer when I have the time. Let me know what you all think of my choices, and I’ll see you back here in just under two weeks for the premiere of “Survivor 42”!
-Matt
idolspeculation 