Idol Speculation: “Survivor HvHvH” Episode 7: My Fair Coley

35 seasons into the show, one of the hardest challenges to be faced is how to keep things fresh and original. No matter how complex a character, no matter how intriguing a plotline, the fact is that if it hasn’t been done before, most likely something similar has been done before. Therefore, it’s very refreshing that this “Survivor” merge has actually managed to bring us something fresh and original, something to keep this old concept alive in it’s old age: Cole actually says something intelligent!

We’ve still got plenty of stupid to get through, though. After our “Previously On…” segment reminds us of the plotlines of every single tribe thus far, we start off at Yawa, where Cole informs us of the “Yawa strong” pact. Yes, I DID say that Cole said intelligent things tonight. Don’t worry, they come later. Not to say that “Yawa strong” isn’t a good plan for Cole, but is assumes that people on his tribe not named Jessica can stand his presence. This is not the case, showing just how out of touch he is. Ben and Lauren do a good job playing up that they’re with Cole, but Ben in particular privately admits that he can’t STAND Cole, and therefore isn’t fully on board. Soko does little but reaffirm that the threesome there are tight, so they will only get this sentence of a mention.

Things at Levu aren’t looking too good either. They may yet be the disaster switched tribe, as Ashley informs us that they’re basically down to eating sugar. Now, I’m not going to act like “Survivor” is a cushy game show. There’s nothing cushy about it, and starving certainly isn’t fun. With that said, I feel like Ashley is exaggerating just a little. Like I said, I’m sure they’re not in good shape, but this plotline came right out of nowhere. No confessionals in previous episodes talking about their food supply. No previous complaints of malnutrition. Devon is just suddenly barely able to walk (though in his defense, he did have very little body fat to begin with). Again, I could understand a normal level of starvation plot with little buildup, but Ashley makes it sound like the second coming of Hunahpu (“Survivor San Juan del Sur”) or Barramundi (“Survivor The Australian Outback”).

Fortunately for them, product placement is right around the corner. Probst announces the merge, which is purple this time! I am a fan of this, as it both is a change from the usual black, and marks the first time since the duo of “Survivor Caramoan” and “Survivor Blood vs. Water” that we’ve gone two consecutive seasons without a black merge buff. Thank God! There’s really no fake-out as to this not being a merge, but there IS a fake-out as to the merge feast. Probst teases a twist they’ve never done before, only to reveal the aforementioned product placement. Outback Steakhouse, a long-time sponsor of the show, is catering this particular merge feast. Evidently this is the cue for everyone in the cast to start gushing about Outback Steakhouse, which makes sense, as only starving people would be eager to eat at Outback Steakhouse. Joe extols the virtues of the Chocolate Lava Cake. Dr. Mike cheers at the thought of personalized steaks. Ben literally levitates upon hearing the word “Rib Eye”. Even those who AREN’T as enthused must gush when the food actually arrives. Not that Joe will be gushing for long, as he follows in the steps of Joe Del Campo (“Survivor Kaoh Rong”), and orders a lot of meat. Two whole steaks, to be precise, and I find it miraculous that the pair did not share the same fate. But back to the main point, that being the blatant product placement. I understand that it’s a necessary evil on the show a lot of the time, but my God, this is over the top for a product that’s OK at best. I mean, the only way they could have pushed the product harder is is they….

CRASH!

SANDRA DIAZ-TWINE: Did someone say “Outback Steakhouse”?

ME: Oh, for Christ’s sake…

SANDRA: You know where there’s Outback Steakhouse, there’s gonna be Sandra.

ME: NO! NO! I don’t CARE if you’re one of the most awesome players ever, you can’t be here! You’re not even on this season!

SANDRA: Well, how else am I supposed to remind everyone that the queen of schilling for Outback Steakhouse stays queen of schilling for Outback Steakhouse?

ME: I don’t know, but don’t do it in MY house! I just had that wall fixed, and we’ve got a cold front coming!

SANDRA: You know what? I’ma vote you out, and if I’m in that finals, you’ll STILL vote for me to win.

ME: Most likely, but first I need to get on the show, something I can’t do with you in here. Now, please sign my buff collection and beat it.

(SANDRA exits to find a Sharpie).

Well, now that my day has been made much better, let’s get back to blogging. There’s no idol clue hidden in a napkin this time around, but there is strategy talk. You’d think it’d be hard to do with everyone gathered around a relatively small table, but thankfully the conversation is loud enough that Chrissy and Ben are able to touch base. They don’t say too much, as Ben makes it clear that he’s not comfortable talking around so many people, but they do agree to meet back up, reaffirming their old bonds.

Ok, Cole, enough with the dilly-dallying! Time for that intelligent commenting to start. As previously mentioned, there was no clue hidden at the feast, so it stands to reason that, when the new camp comes with a bunch of tools, that there is a clue hidden in one of these. Cole recognizes this, and sets about searching for it. He doesn’t FIND the clue (we the audience see it hidden in amongst the nails), but hey, baby steps.

Moving on to the strategizing, things quickly shake out to be an Old Healers/New Yawa group versus… not them. Ok, so the name thing kind of needs work. Desi and Joe are pulled back into the fold, and along with Ben and Lauren from the former Yawa, they appear to have seven. Ryan, meanwhile, recognizes that the original Healers have five people left, against the Heroes’ four and the Hustler’s three, putting his “underdog” strategy into greater prominence. Thus, it seems logical to him that these two groups band together against a supermajority. This makes Lauren and Ben the swing votes, unsurprisingly. One might argue that Dr. Mike is a swing vote as well, since he was no great friend of the Healers, while being more in bed with Ben and Lauren (proverbially speaking). However, for Mike it is clear which side he should go with. His connection with Ben and Lauren will remain probably no matter what, but going against his original tribe, even with Joe back in the fold, would have what we might call “John Cochran Downside”. Hailing from “Survivor South Pacific”, this is a phenomenon where someone flips too early, thereby pissing off most the jury, even if the move was strategically smart. Mike DOES need to move against his original tribe at some point, but this would put too many of the them on the jury too soon, even though the jury actually doesn’t start tonight. Since I know I’m going to get called out on praising Cochran’s move, while saying the same move for Dr. Mike would be a flaw, let me explain the difference. Cochran was between Savaii and Upolu, two tribes that, due to be a “returning captains” season and the lack of a swap, were relatively ironclad, with no cracks in the alliance, and very few major divisive characters to break up an alliance. Plus, Cochran had known the Upolu’s for a relatively short time, and had no firm allies on that side. Contrast with this season, where we HAVE had a tribe swap (thus making original tribe alliances shakier), and a VERY divisive character in the form of Joe (Chrissy wants him gone, and even his original tribe seems to view him as little more than a necessary evil). Even if Dr. Mike sticks with his original tribe, he has room to maneuver, whereas Cochran really did not. Hence why the move is appropriate for one, but not the other.

Point being, the decision falls to Lauren and Ben. Lauren quickly shows which side her bread is buttered on by firming things up with Dr. Mike, which I can kind of understand. As mentioned, Lauren was kind of the “oddball” amongst her tribe, with only Ali as anything resembling an “ally”. If Dr. Mike’s offering her a power couple pact, she has little reason not to take it, and thereby want to keep the people Dr. Mike wants around, around. Ben, however, has more ties to his old tribe, and an intense dislike of Cole. Cole doesn’t do himself any favors by continuing to gorge on food, this time cinnamon sticks. Ben makes his disgust about this known, a boon to the opposition. Dr. Mike does his best to talk Ben around, agreeing with his assessment of Cole’s character, but noting that it’s too soon, as they would lose their majority. Ben is civil about this, and Dr. Mike comments that he’s surprised at how crazy things are at the merge. Come on, Dr. Mike, I thought you were our superfan of the season? If you’ve seen ANY “Survivor”, you know that the merge is a major shakeup time.

In all honesty, despite my praise of Lauren joining with Dr. Mike, Ben IS making the smart move in wanting to go back to his original allies. The key, once again, is options. By sticking with Dr. Mike, they make Dr. Mike their ONLY connection. If he can’t swing some more people, when you get down to the last seven people, you’re most likely done. It’s true that that alliance has fewer people overall, and more hidden immunity idols, which are both attractive features. The other alliance, though, has many connections with Ben, and while Lauren didn’t bond with her original tribe, she can still potentially do something. Plus, Dr. Mike’s rocky history with the original Healers means he probably won’t shed too many tears at their loss, and would probably still be willing to work with you down the line, meaning you keep even more power.

Not to say that the old Healers don’t sense danger though. Realizing that Cole’s leash needs to be tightened AGAIN, Jessica calls him over and urges him to stop eating so much, which Cole seems dumbfounded by. Look, Jessica, I know he’s cute, but you’re smart, and might actually have a shot were it not for the lead weight of Cole around your neck. At some point, you really need to just cut him loose.

Oh, and the new tribe name is Solewa. It sucks, because it’s a combo tribe name. That said, the flag is cool-looking, with the name printed on a strip underneath the flag rather than on the flag itself. Plus, they used the last part of “Yawa” rather than the first part, and the last four letters give me “Bionicle” flashbacks, so I’ll just let this one slide, rather than rant about it.

Speaking of sliding, our immunity challenge is a new twist on the “ball endurance challenge”. We have people moving down an increasingly small balance beam, but this time instead of balancing a ball on a plate, they must spin it around the inside of a hoop. If the ball or you fall off, you’re out, last one standing wins. The small scale and repetitive nature of ball endurance challenges annoys me, but this one does change up enough for me to give it a pass. Our individual immunity idol is ok. It’s basically a big metal plate necklace with some gears and seashell designs on it. It’s a bit garish to me, but it stands out, and it’s hardly the worst thing. Oddly, though, the STAND for the idol is actually really cool looking. Part of it resembles a set of scales, which has a nice “judgement” tone to it appropriate for immunity.

Probst is in fine form with his challenge commentary today. He trashes Ryan for failing two seconds into the challenge, which later gives Chrissy a chance to show off her math skills, calculating how many times beyond Ryan our finalists have gone. He also attempts to hypnotize the players by pointing out how relaxing spinning the ball can be. And, of course, he has to throw some shade. He points out that you can’t really practice for this particular challenge, and he’s right. After all, who on earth has done THIS in their backyard?

CRASH!

COACH: (raising hand) I have.

ME: NO! NO! TWICE IN ONE EPISODE IS TOO MUCH! I DON’T EVEN WANT YOUR AUTOGRAPH! OUT! OUT!

(Coach leaves, pelted by Buffs).

I would fault the music for giving us basically no mystery as to when someone will lose this challenge, but as this was a balance and endurance challenge, we knew from the beginning that the women would dominate. Sure enough, it comes down to a battle between Desi and Ashley, which Desi ends up winning. Good for her!

As you’d expect, talk quickly turns to where Ben and Lauren will go. Cole, having evidently learned from Jessica’s etiquette lessons, goes up and gives what’s actually a really good apology to Ben, talking about what a scumbag he was for hogging the food, and promises to do better. Ben, not being an idiot, sees right through the play, but that’s not to say it wasn’t as good an effort as could be expected from anyone. Sadly, just when Cole is turning things around, it’s time for his demise. You see, while this episode does a fair job, in and of itself, of masking who will win out tonight, it’s soon made clear that Ben and Lauren will make the smart move and go against the old Healers, despite Lauren’s protests. You see, we soon learn our targets for tonight are Chrissy, the lady built up as a hero, smart cookie, and fan favorite, and Cole, who apart from this episode has been shown to be brainless, rude, and little more than a living prop for Jessica. I wonder which of these two has more to lose?

Of course, with idols in the offing, Chrissy and co. discuss who their backup target should be. Joe’s name is thrown out, as he annoys everyone, but is quickly dismissed on the grounds that, as he found one idol, he may have more, thus lending credence to the complaints of every fan who hates that idols are being hidden the same way at separate camps (for my two cents, I look on it as a necessary evil. I get that it makes it easier for the same person to find multiple idols, but it just wouldn’t be fair if idols were hidden differently at different camps. Based on camp, someone might have an easier time idol hunting than someone else). Jessica is therefore thrown out as a backup option, which is a smart plan, since she’s a good, unexpected player unlikely to have an idol played on her. But, with so little screen time so far, and all of it good, what are the odds of that happening? We wouldn’t want another Jeremy Collins (“Survivor San Juan del Sur”) incident on our hands, NOW WOULD WE?

Joe, for his part, has some sense of which way the wind is blowing, as he criticizes Cole for bringing in Ben. I can see his point, since Ben has a number of ties to other people, but I have to give the point to Cole on this one. Ben may not be the most solid ally, but he at least brought SOMEONE! I don’t see YOU making any friends on your tribe, Joe.

Merge Tribal Councils are usually fairly exciting, and this one does not disappoint. Dr. Mike and Ryan set up our main conflict, and Cole actually makes a good, JP-esque point about how solid he is. Once again, though, Joe steals the show. He makes a big show about his loyalty to his original tribe, shortly followed by Dr. Mike doing a pretty accurate impression of him, and pointing out that while he and Joe are cool now, they weren’t before. Apart from further cementing my “Voting against Dr. Mike isn’t a death sentence to that alliance” point from earlier, this sends Joe into a frenzy, ultimately pulling out his second idol. I can KIND of understanding this move, being a sort of “Put fear in the other alliance to make the scramble” tactic, but I feel like there’s too many numbers here for that tactic to be effective. Better to hold onto it, and pull a move like he did at Levu: Be annoying to attract votes to yourself, THEN bust out an idol with no warning after the votes are cast to ensure victory. Instead, all Joe ensures is that people will NOT vote for him. Good for Joe, bad for his alliance.

Sure enough, Chrissy’s alliance wins out, but unfortunately, it’s not Cole who gets a heroic death, but Jessica. While I prefer that Chrissy stay over her, I am sorry to see Jessica go. She had a lot of bite for being one of the “generic pretty girls” cast on the season, and might have become an interesting strategic force given more time. Plus, her exit falls prey to the “Jeremy Collins” effect, where her exit was foreshadowed SO little that it feels unearned. This one got a BIT more traction, and Jessica wasn’t as major a character as Jeremy was, so this doesn’t sting quite as much, but it’s a blemish on an otherwise fascinating episode. We got a good look into the dynamics of everything, and Joe’s antics made for some fun moments. In fact, I don’t want the fun to end, meaning it’s time once again for…

TOP 5 and BOTTOM 5!

In honor of the contestants shilling for Outback Steakhouse, this list will look at the best and worst attempts at product placement the show has ever had. For once, there’s no special rules, so let’s get started with…

TOP 5

5. Visa (“Survivor Africa”): I suppose there is ONE rule worth mentioning: Should a product appear in multiple seasons, I’ll be putting the time I feel it is most memorable/worth talking about, not the first instance. Such is the case here. Yes, it was understated, but for a couple of those early seasons, on certain rewards contestants would pay with “Jeff Probst’s Personal Visa”. Most likely a card made up with a dummy name, this one stuck around from “Survivor The Australian Outback” through “Survivor Marquesas”, and was usually an understated part of the reward, not the reward itself, hence why it ranks low. This is more of a personal choice than any on this list, but I love the idea, even though it’s unrealistic, that Probst DID fork over his actual credit card, and was forced to watch as Lex, Big Tom, and others spent his hard-earned cash on third-world frivolities. I also like to imagine the contestants splurging on the most ridiculous items just to rack up Probst’s bill.

4. Pringles (“Survivor Palau”): Doritos may be the ORIGINAL “Survivor” chip of choice, but it was Pringles that went one step further, and landed itself on the list. Not content with merely being shown on the show, Pringles decided to do special “print” chips that had trivia from the show’s history up to that point on them. As a hard-core “Survivor” fan, this pleases me, and earns the chip a spot on this list.

3. Sprint (“Survivor Gabon”): One of the longer-running sponsors of the show, most of you probably remember Sprint. Not only did the sponsor a “fan-favorite” prize at the end of the seasons, but they usually heralded the loved-one’s challenge by giving people video previews from home. This was a nice touch, more sweet than clever, but still fun. Gabon gets the edge here for having the trick of the reward seeming to just be the video, before having the loved one walk off-camera and reappear on the show. A bit hokey, and very predictable, but usually a fun part of the season, and therefore a worthy bit of product placement.

2. Casa de Charmin (“Survivor Exile Island”): Like most kindergarteners, we want to know how the contestants go to the bathroom out there. Exile Island decided to answer that question with the hilariously named “Casa de Charmin”. Actually an outhouse, and probably more famous for Bruce and BobDawg’s wild night in it, there’s something that’s just hokey enough for this reward to be a nice bit of product placement for the show.

1. Home Depot (“Survivor Palau”): The ultimate product placement trick is, of course, to get your product in a challenge somehow. This is easier said than done, but one of the few seamless integrations, that earns this company the top spot, comes from Home Depot. Challenges involving building something at camp are nothing new, and while some may miss the ingenuity brought on by contestants having to make do with islands supplies, it must be said that by giving them better tools, cooler products were made. The specific winner was a close call between Palau’s bathroom-build and All-Stars’ shelter build, but Palau wins out for two things. First, it gave more choice. All-Stars got a full tool kit, while Palau forced one tribe member to choose just six tools to use. Second, for whatever reason, the bathroom builds got more creative, making for a more fun watch, and more memorable product placement.

Honorable Mention: Febreze (“Survivor Guatemala”): You’d think a product designed to make things smell nice would be out of place on “Survivor”. You would be right. That’s why Febreze was never used on “Survivor” itself, but rather in the end slates. For a couple of seasons, starting I believe with Guatemala, following the vote you would get the “Survivor Family Moment” sponsored by Febreze. Basically a short clip of the eliminated contestant’s family congratulating them, it made for a nice touch, and misses out on the list because the product TECHNICALLY wasn’t on the show itself, but in the commercials. But it was really sweet, so I’ll mention it here.

BOTTOM 5

5. Outback Steakhouse (“Survivor Heroes vs. Healers vs. Hustlers”): For all my grief, this one nearly made the “Top 5” list, since Sandra’s love of Outback actually made the whole thing seem sincere. This episode just took it way too far, though, and thus the food must earn my ire.

4. 7-Up (“Survivor One World”): Maybe this one annoyed just me, but after name-brand soda had been absent from “Survivor” for a while, we didn’t really need to see it again. Thus the presence of 7-Up in the “Survivor” Dark Age was really unnecessary. I’ll concede that they did a good job making the crate look authentic, but once again, the plugging was a bit too much. Probst just used the phrase “Cool. Crisp. Refreshing” one time too many for my liking.

3. Craftsman Tools (“Survivor Redemption Island”): Remember how I said that the holy grail of product placement was to use it in a challenge, but how it was very rarely done right? Yeah, this is a case of it going horribly wrong. Taking apart a challenge and then putting it back together is not a bad idea in and of itself, but the use of modern tools just felt very un-“Survivor”. Do any of you remember this challenge? Of course not! If you do, it’s for how out of place it was, and I for one would like to see it buried by history.

2. “Gulliver’s Travels” (“Survivor Nicaragua”): If the Craftsman Tolls plug felt like forced integration, this one really pushed the envelope. Movies were nothing new for a reward on “Survivor”, but they were usually classics that related to life on the show. For example, “Survivor Africa” had a showing of the film “Out of Africa”. It’s hard to make a Jack Black comedy relevant too “Survivor”, and even carrying around a giant dummy didn’t help things. Only two things spare this atrocity from the top spot: One, the image of Dan sitting on a chair designed to make him seem small. This is hilarious. And two, for all that the attempt at integration failed, at least there was an ATTEMPT!

1. “Jack and Jill” (“Survivor South Pacific”): Yeah, you all knew this was coming. If “Gulliver’s Travels” was AT BEST tangentially related to the show, then the Adam Sandler vehicle “Jack and Jill” was in another solar system. No integration to the challenge or the theme, just dropped randomly as the last reward before the merge. How underwhelming. This in and of itself would have been bad enough, but the producers REALLY pushed people to praise the film, when anyone with taste could tell this was going to be an abomination to the art of filmmaking. Thus, we get forced Coach philosophizing, which is tolerable at best when it ISN’T related to Adam Sandler. I know for a lot of people this falls into “So bad, it’s good.” territory, but for me, it was just too cringe-worthy to be fun even in that respect.

Honorable Mention: Dr. Scholl’s (“Survivor Borneo”): While over-inserting the product may be the cardinal sin of product placement, under-inserting the product comes close. You may not remember this one, and for good reason. It was shilled precisely once, on “Survivor Borneo”, and never heard from again. It wasn’t even the focus of the challenge, instead given out as a bonus after an immunity win by Kelly Wiglesworth. Admittedly the challenge did involve balance, hence the foot connection, but when your product is overshadowed by a cheap tiki head on a string, you’re probably not getting what you’re paying for.

Overall, this episode averages out to “pretty good”. The strategizing was excellent, there were some fun moments, and taken in isolation, the misdirection was good. Taken in the context of the season, though, the winning side was obvious, and the exit unearned, which is why this isn’t yet one of the greats. There’s still time, though.

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor One World” Episode 8: Sisterhood of the Traveling Alliance

As we’ve seen with many a “Survivor” season, and far too often in more recent seasons, a group of people come up with a good, solid principle on how to vote at the next Tribal Council, only then to discard it with little to no explanation, and ultimately leading to their demise.  Oh, what fools these mortals be.

Well, for all that that opening seemed fatalistic, I actually enjoyed this episode.  Why?  The reason I usually do, but let’s take a look anyway.

But before we take a look, it’s time for another feature of this blog, namely…

MATT’S MESS-UP!

Yes, I was having a pretty good run this season, but I finally forgot a few important points from the last episode.  First off has to do with Jay’s behavior the morning after the merge.  TarZAN attempted to get a cup of coffee from Salani’s reward, but Jay adamantly denied him, telling him that the reward was Salani only.  For all that I shortchanged Jay in my pre-merge assessment, I have to admit that was a pretty stupid move.  That coffee’s not going to do much for TarZAN, save maybe give him a short energy boost for the reward challenge, I think you can safely let go of a cup or two.  For another matter, it reveals your hand.  For someone trying to play both sides of the fence, Jay came right out and revealed who he was siding with.  Subtle.

The other point was Troyzan’s reaction to winning individual immunity.  While I admit that winning immunity is a joyous occasion, and certainly something to celebrate, squealing and hugging Jeff Probst is starting to get into Erik Reichenbach (“Survivor Micronesia”) territory.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Erik, he was entertaining as all get out.  I only have to hear him say “That’s Jeff Probst!  He’s just standing there!” to crack up.  I’m just saying that, game wise, he’s not the person you want to emulate.  Granted, he made it to the final five, which is a fair showing, but mentally even he will admit he’s pretty low on the totem pole.

Well, time to stop living in the past, onto this episode.

Our episode begins, like so many before it, with someone stating the bloody obvious.  In this case, Jay is our culprit, telling Troyzan that a girl needs to go next in order to keep the numbers even, and serve as a safeguard against a possible women’s alliance.  WELL, DUH!  Maybe you should have thought of that last episode, and then you wouldn’t be completely at their mercy!

After commercial, we jump right into tree mail, which today is a message in a bottle.  But not just any bottle, no, it’s a “Cool, Crisp 7-Up” bottle.  This signals to internet trolls that it’s time to complain about product placement on the show.  In this case, however, I think the complaints are unwarranted.  It’s true, I did complain last season about product-placing an Adam Sandler movie on “Survivor”, but there are a couple of differences that make this case bearable.  One is that Adam Sandler movies are basically the opposite of a reward, whereas a person may actually enjoy a 7-Up.  Second of all, it fits with the survival ideal that the show capitalizes on.  It’s a food reward, and if the logos and chests are made to look vaguely out of date and island-ish, they go fairly well with the rest of the décor.  In contrast, an Adam Sandler movie sticks out like a sore thumb.  Thirdly, there’s a precedent for soft drinks being on “Survivor”.  In the early days, Mountain Dew was a sponsor, and at least two seasons (“Survivor the Australian Outback” and “Survivor Africa”) blatantly featured Mountain Dew in their rewards.  It could be argued that there’s a precedent for movies as well.  “Survivor Africa” had an infamous drive in movie reward (only infamous because it paired up the homosexual and the homophobe at the movie).  However, that movie was “Out of Africa”, which at least fit the theme of the season, and last I checked, the theme of “Survivor South Pacific” was not “Adam Sandler”.

But enough about Adam Sandler, my point is that the product placement here is actually ok.  Given the amount of people who DVR episodes these days, I understand it’s necessity, and think it blends fairly well in this case.  However, if anyone uses the adjectives “Cool” or “Crisp” or “Refreshing” in my presence for the next 24 hours, I will personally take my new Zapatera buff and strangle them with it.

On to the challenge, and like a lot of challenges this season, we have another mixed bag.  The tribe is split into teams again, something for which I have already expressed my distaste, and has to go down a giant water slide which, for all that it looks like a lot of fun, I don’t think it fits “Survivor”.  It just seems too modern for my taste, and doesn’t really take skill, other than not being afraid of heights.

Luckily the rest of the challenge is alright.  Having gone down the slide, Tribe members race out into the water to unlock five crates to take back to a platform.  Once all the crates are there, the tribe must then solve a puzzle.  Not anything particularly new, but it’s a solid challenge and puzzle.  Now all we need to do is get rid of the water slide.

Probst, ever the cocktease, tells the Tikiano tribe about the reward they’ll be playing for.  It’s a barbeque, a good old “Survivor” staple, that will be chock full of 7-Up, which he describes using the aforementioned adjectives not once, but twice, apiece.  Where’s my buff?

A schoolyard pick decides the tribes, and TarZAN ends up left out.  Given his performance on the puzzle in the last reward challenge, I can’t say that I blame the tribe.  The team of Kim, Sabrina, Christina, Mike, and Leif pull off a narrow victory, and shuffle off in triumph.

We are treated to the obligatory scenes of people enjoying various barbequed items, which admittedly look delicious.  However, it seems Matt Elrod (“Survivor Redemption Island”) and Brandon Hantz (“Survivor South Pacific”) are back in the game, as, having had virtually no religion in this particular season, we are treated to the winners insisting upon a prayer before eating.  I’m really starting to get tired of this sort of thing on “Survivor”, given it’s proliferation on the past two seasons.  My patience is waning.

My patience is rewarded, however, as we’re treated to a bit of strategizing between Sabrina and Kim.  After getting over my amazement that Christina, Leif, and Mike are hearing none of this, I hear that Sabrina wants Mike off, which for her, I admit, is a good idea.  Mike’s a physical threat, so better to get him off sooner rather than later.  Also, he’s another guy gone, which solidifies the women’s power.  While this is good for Sabrina, it’s not so good for Kim, though I’ll go into more detail on that later.  For the moment, Kim just goes along with it, which is a fairly smart move.  I do have to ask, however, why did you strategize about getting rid of Mike RIGHT IN FRONT OF MIKE?  And furthermore, HOW DID HE NOT NOTICE?

Back at camp, we’re treated to more of the usual: shots of the losers complaining about how nice the food would have been.  TarZAN does try to provide some comfort by reminding his fellow losers that it would have seriously messed up their stomachs anyway.  I’m sure this cheered them right up, and in no way made them more miserable by making them think of nausea on top of the pain of loss.

Spirits are lifted (see, now even I’m doing the religious thing) when the winners bring back some 7-Up to share.  A nice gesture, on the whole, might win a few jury votes in the end.  Still, probably not, as no one person gave away the sodas.

Next day comes, and CBS realizes that it’s been too long without a TarZAN scene.  Things start out normally enough, with the castaways complaining about a miserable storm that blew away half their shelter.  While making repairs, TarZAN apparently took a piece of bamboo off the shelter and chopped it up for firewood.  Left alone, this would have done little damage, but Chelsea makes the fatal mistake of talking to TarZAN.  Despite the fact that Chelsea may have had a fair point (it may actually have been an important part of the shelter) TarZAN gets defensive, and claims to be beyond reproach in this matter.  Chelsea wisely gets out of the argument shortly thereafter, but TarZAN isn’t finished yet.  He tells us in an interview that he’s figured out Chelsea’s problem with him, and confronts her about it.  Being TarZAN, he does not come to the conclusion that Chelsea’s dislike stems from his behavior or his general craziness, or even his persistent arguments with her, but from the fact that Chelsea has had plastic surgery.  TarZAN, in his own deluded way, believes that Chelsea has issues with her plastic surgeon back home, and is projecting them onto him.  Given that he is wrong, Chelsea cracks up and denies this, and the issue resolves itself without too much mess.  A lot of awkwardness, maybe, but not mess.  As a side note, I give Chelsea a  lot of credit for not insisting that she hadn’t had surgery to being with.  A lot of women on this show who have blatantly been worked on deny it vehemently when confronted with the issue, so props to Chelsea (of whom I would have believed it if she said it was all natural) for taking it and owning it.  You go, girl!

Challenge time!  Today’s challenge is one I look forward to almost every season: the rope maze.  Castaways having to make their way through ropes courses looks fun and exciting, is exerting on several different levels, and overall is just a fun challenge.  That being said, this is one of my least favorite iterations of it.  A lot of the challenge is taken away when one need only maneuver objects through the maze, and it’s not even that complicated a maze.  It’s not like “Survivor Vanuatu”, where the obstacles were both multilevel and underwater, it’s just a sideways ladder.  Balancing isn’t even that hard, we only had one person fall off the entire challenge!  Do better, CBS!

Thankfully, the lackluster ropes course is made up for by the puzzle, which, for my money, is deliciously complex.  This is demonstrated by the need for a time lapse while our final 4 contestants (Jay, Troyzan, Alicia, and Kim) attempt to solve it.  During this time, we get color commentary from the ever-insightful Kat, who tells us that this puzzle is too hard for her.  Dear, given how intelligent you’ve been this entire game, I’m surprised Candyland isn’t too hard for you.

The puzzle makes for a close finish, and Jay pulls out a come from behind victory.  He is celebrated back at camp, and the girls celebrate the fact that Mike can leave just like they planned.  To ensure their plan, Kim plants false information in Troyzan that Mike has been gunning for him.  A good strategy when it comes to getting Troyzan on your side, but I’m amazed it worked.  The way she said “He’s subtly going for you.“ sounded a bit obvious to me.  In this situation, people usually give specific examples, and don’t necessarily realize they’re being manipulated.  Troyzan buys it, however, and the trap is set.

For a while, it seems like there’ll be no misdirection, but then Jay talks about voting one of the women off, going so far as to ask Chelsea, in front of Christina and Alicia, if he’d go after the next man if they were to vote off a man.  This is fairly stupid, as Jay has been gunning for Christina, but even more stupid is Chelsea talking about voting out Mike, a member of their alliance, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE PEOPLE SUPPOSEDLY OUTSIDE YOUR ALLIANCE!  To those wondered who of Kim and Chelsea was the brains, look no further.

It does, however, force Kim into panic mode, where she assures Jay that Christina is going, calming him, and thereby making me annoyed.  Dude, you had the right idea, don’t be so confident in your alliance!  In this game, a little paranoia is a good thing.

Kim does appear to be rethinking the situation, however, as she discusses with her female alliance the possibility of letting go of Christina instead, supposedly on the grounds that it’s fine either way, but really on the grounds that, if she lets the boys have their way, they stay loyal to her, and she has her options open.  That, right there, is why it would be better for Kim to vote out Christina.  If you vote out Mike, there’s no way the guys won’t know that something’s up, and you’re stuck with women’s alliance the whole way.  If you vote off Christina, however, you still have the majority (as Troyzan appears to be following Kim’s every edict) and keep your options open.  It’s better for everyone else to get rid of Mike, as he limits Kim’s options, thereby strengthening their own positions, but not Kim.

As we head off to Tribal, I have to admit, this has been some good misdirection.  I really don’t know who’s going.  Performances at Tribal don’t give us any answers either.  Probst uses an old standby, and asks who feels vulnerable tonight, only then to mock the contestants when no one answers.  We get some masterful performances, particularly from Kim, as usual.  Even when Probst points out how cryptic her answers are, she doesn’t flinch.

More important, however, we find that Kat does have a skill: Pitching New T.V. Shows!  She’s given MTV it’s new hit reality series TarZAN’d!  It’s a pretty simple premise.  TarZAN breaks into people’s homes, either celebrity or civilian, and yell’s “You’re being played!” in their faces, then leaves them as quick as he came, a hilarious look of utter confusion on their faces.

With mild tension, Mike goes home and I’m not sorry at all.  Frankly he was a bland, boring character who I could do without, thank you very much.  Why Jay voted for him, I don’t know.  He knew full well a woman needed to go, and didn’t follow through.  Jay, you deserve whatever you get in the next few episodes.

The women, however, are now screwed as well.  The guy’s hackles are up, and though they don’t know it, Troyzan has an idol that could screw them over.  Now they all have no choice but to stick with the women’s alliance or they’ll all lose.  Not a good position overall.

Still, I can’t deny that this episode was enjoyable.  The challenges were fun, the misdirection convincing, and no major flaws this episode.  Granted, it wasn’t the most tense or exciting episode ever, but it was a solid episode, and next week looks to be even better.

Quick note about next week: I actually have a performance with my sketch comedy troupe at 8 P.M. next Weds., so my blog will be very late.  I’ll have to wait until the episode comes out online at midnight.  With luck, I’ll have the blog up by 2 A.M., but don’t panic if you don’t see anything.  My apologies that my blogs have late these past couple weeks, but somehow people keep scheduling things I can’t get out of during my blog-writing time.  Thankfully, I believe the week after next I have nothing on Weds. night, so I’ll be able to go back to getting my blog out more promptly.  I thank you all for your patience.

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.