Idol Speculation: “Survivor San Juan Del Sur” Episode 2: Battle of the Blands

Flint. It’s difficult to use. It helps make that thing that supposedly represents your life. It’s been a staple of “Survivor” pretty much since the beginning of the show. And it blends very well with Nicaraguan soil. This last bit was a discovery of the heretofore successful Hunah Poo-Poo tribe, and yet somehow even THIS doesn’t dampen their spirits.

But I’ll tell you what gets me down: Another edition of

MATT’S MESS-UP!

Whatever the reason (I blame the length), I always seem to forget or screw up a few details from the first episode of a season. This past one was no exception, and is amongst the worse, as I actually misremembered two details. First off, in my analysis of Dale, I mentioned his resourcefulness in making fire, and that it endeared him to me. I neglected to mention the other thing that endeared him to me. He took a leaf out of the book of Bob Crowley (“Survivor Gabon”), and grabbed some of the prop department’s decorations (in this case a small disk tied to the lid of their water source) to use as a fake idol. This comparison is kind of ironic, given that I made a similar comparison in my cast assessment. In any case, despite the overall lack of effort put into making it, this is a smart move (never know when a fake idol will save you from elimination), and makes me like Dale all the more. Power to him.

The second bit of information is actually a case of my making an incorrect guess. When watching who voted for whom in the previous segment, I was completely focused on who cast the mystery vote for Baylor, and so did not pay any attention to the other votes. Hence I guessed that Val changed her vote, since she had more of a strategic mind than any other woman there this season. However, Val actually voted for Dale, like she’d promised. Baylor changed her vote. I suppose this makes sense, if she wants to ally with Neil Patrick Harris, but that still doesn’t explain his mystery vote for Baylor.

Speaking of that vote, this episode begins with a justification from Neil Patrick Harris as to why that vote was a good thing. The justification kind of sucks. Basically, Neil Patrick Harris didn’t want anyone catching onto the fact that he and Baylor were allied, and figured throwing a vote her way would throw people off the trail. Baylor herself seems to accept this explanation, but points out in confessional that if that was the case, he could have told her BEFORE Tribal Council so the pair could have agreed to the idea. Apart from this criticism, I also have to wonder WHY he thought voting with the guys would clue them in that he and Baylor were aligned. I could see them thinking that BAYLOR flipped, but how does that tie her to you in any way? If anything, your voting for Baylor would make them MORE suspicious, since it’s just so out of the blue that they must figure something is wrong. Even if this doesn’t clue them into your alliance, it would at least make them think you’re a loose cannon, and they’d be suspicious of you. Really, man, you do well this episode, but this was a major slip-up.

I suppose the one GOOD thing Neil Patrick Harris does in all this mess is explain his reasoning to Baylor, and managing to twist the situation such that, as mentioned, Baylor is a little suspicious of him, but still willing to work with him. Not that she has much of a choice, as the poor thing never has an original thought in her head. Still, brownie points for figuring out that Neil Patrick Harris should have told you beforehand.

Hunah Poo-Poo, meanwhile, engages in the pre-reward challenge routine of Pilates, which consists of Reed showing off his contortion skill by pulling his leg up by his head (ouch!), Jon bench-pressing with logs, and Drew expressing a desire to do push-ups. Naturally, this display of macho-ness does not go over well with the women, who point out that it’s not good to wear yourself out before the challenge. I’d counter that warming up before exercising is statistically a good idea, and still end up having to side with the women on the grounds that you need to conserve energy wherever possible in this game, this seems more like actual exercise than a warm-up routine, and most damning of all, it’s been established that ONLY ONE PERSON PER REWARD CHALLENGE THIS SEASON! You don’t all need to be ready, guys. I’ll give the women on Hunah Poo-Poo credit for this: while I still am disappointed that they all gravitate towards a strong male as the leader, and don’t seem as capable of thinking for themselves, they did at least gravitate towards Jeremy, a guy with some substance, instead of these bros. Hunah Poo-Poo being the older tribe really seems to be taking its toll on the young guys. The women may not be as independent as I would like, but they are, for the moment, acting mature, which is a plus in my book.

Workouts get called to a halt, however, when it’s discovered that the tribe flint has gone missing. CBS starts drooling, like Pavlov’s dog, at the fights that are sure to follow. However, their hopes are dashed thanks to Jon “Please-Feel-Sorry-For-Me” Misch, who admits that his Dad, who I should bring up is evidently deathly ill, sorry dude, instilled in him that you admit your mistakes and express sorrow for them, so that people will understand and forgive you. Nice life philosophy, I suppose, but not so good on “Survivor”. You were already on thin ice for being a “bro”, on this tribe, no need to sink your stock lower. While I admit that what you do is a good philosophy in life, on “Survivor”, it’s better to take philosophy from the “Sandra Diaz-Twine Playbook”, which clearly states “If you can avoid being blamed for the bad thing, do it.” I suppose Jon wanted to preserve tribe harmony, which I’ll admit is good for the game, but even so, I feel like blaming Drew wouldn’t have been a bad idea.

Since the flint blends very well with the soil and ashes (Jon lost the flint by putting it on a log above the fire, again cementing stupidity), the tribe decides there’s nothing they can do and head off to the reward challenge, which I REALLY like. While it does incorporate elements from various previous challenges, they’re combined in such a way that it feels original, and you all know my love for original challenges. Basically, the competitors will place a ball on a disk in the middle of a pole, and will then pull that pole along, keeping the ball balanced on the disk, while maneuvering through a series of obstacles. Once at the end, the competitors will send the ball, along with two others, up a Ski-Ball ramp, attempting to land the balls in slots. The first one to put all three balls in the slots wins fishing gear for their tribe, plus sending their loved one and someone from their own tribe to Exile Island. To be specific about the elements combined here, we obviously have the Ski-Ball that originated in “Survivor Caramoan”, and has become a staple of the series since. I’ve admitted that I’m not a fan of this element in the past, and I’m still not, and it’s the one part of the challenge I dislike. Even so, I do like the addition of obstacles on the ramp, and so like this iteration of Ski-Ball better. The other part of the challenge is a combination of moving through various obstacles and balancing a ball on a disk, now combined to be done at the same time. The “Ball-On-Disk” aspect comes from “Survivor Redemption Island”, while the obstacle maneuvering has been seen in many places, but most closely resembles a challenge from “Survivor Blood vs. Water”. Like I said, this is a great new combination, making for a difficult, nerve-wracking challenge that doesn’t play easily into the normal “Survivor” skill set.

First pick is once again decided by “Ancient Mayan Rock-Paper-Scissors”, or, as they called it, “Rock-Paper-Some Sort of Cutting Tool That Hasn’t Been Invented Yet”. John Rocker somehow manages to beat out Reed in this, giving Coyopa the only victory they’ll see tonight. And it’s a good thing, because they squander their victory right away. With a challenge, like this, maneuverability is key. You want to pick someone small, coordinated, and agile. John Rocker fulfills very few of these categories. Coyopa’s best bet would have been to pick either Baylor or Dale, in my opinion. Both are small players, and while their counterparts on Hunah Poo-Poo have the potential to outmatch them physically, it’s a pretty close match. I suppose picking Alec would have been ok as well, as Drew is the taller of the pair. But regardless, the WORST pick you could have is John Rocker, given that his counterpart is Julie McGee, arguably the TINIEST woman on the opposite tribe. Almost ANY other contest, particularly involving physical strength, Joh Rocker wins. But the man is over six feet tall and has all the maneuverability of an eighteen-wheeler. He’s going to get stuck on these obstacles.

Sure enough, despite John’s overall moving faster, he gets stuck on a few obstacles and drops the ball, while Julie moves slowly and delicately, never once dropping the ball, and ultimately wins for her tribe. And while I may remain unconvinced of her supposed strategic brilliance, I’ll give credit where credit is due, this was an impressive performance, and it was HILARIOUS to see her take down big, bad John Rocker. And for the record, in another strike against him, you could tell that John does not handle losing well, slamming his fist down on an obstacle in frustration.

After winning, Julie goes up and hugs John, which prompts Probst to ask John how it feels to be beaten by his girlfriend. This is an opportunity for John to partially redeem his past bigoted statements, and show that he has a human side. John instead states that it feels worse to be beaten by a girl. So, we now get to add SEXISM to that list of wonderful John Rocker qualities. What. An. Asshole.

Julie chooses to send Jeremy to Exile Island, a decision that mystifies me. Granted, even though we haven’t seen it, Julie seems on board with Jeremy’s alliance, as otherwise I feel she would have sent one of the “bros” because they annoyed her. The only reason NOT to send them is if you don’t want them getting access to the idol clue. But even so, why send Jeremy, the physically strongest member of your alliance? Whatever else it does, Exile Island drains you, and you want your strongest member ready for battle come the immunity challenge. Send your weakest member who isn’t you (i.e. Kelley), and then sit her out come the immunity challenge.

With Jeremy and John out of the picture, Probst prepares to send the tribes off, but Hunah Poo-Poo stops him. Having won reward, they say they’ve lost their flint, and would like to exchange what beans they have left for fire. This was the “new bargain” Probst had been hyping for the season, but it’s not all that new, and kind of lame. It bears a striking similarity to the FIRST “Survivor” Bargain on “Survivor The Australian Outback”, where the tribe traded one essential (shelter) for a greater essential (food). All that’s new is Probst reading them the riot act, not undeservedly, for going about the bargain the wrong way, having waited until AFTER they’d won to make the deal. Now, Probst wanted more, but I can see Hunah Poo-Poo’s logic. If they lose, they’d only have the beans, and so they’re more valuable than flint (as Hunah Poo-Poo still has fire coals they can restart), but if they win, they’ve got a surplus. Still, Probst is a hard bargainer, and now won’t rest until they forfeit the fishing gear. There’s an intense debate, in which the bros want the fishing gear, but the women, particularly Natalie, want to make the trade. I’ll admit, this is a tough call, and I’m not 100% sure what the right decision is. This ultimately means there’s no wrong decision, but I’d ultimately say that it’s better not to make the trade. There are other means of making fire, and you might possibly find the flint. There is NO other way of catching fish, and I doubt they’ll find fishing gear just lying around the beach. Ultimately, though, Hunah Poo-Poo does not agree, and makes the trade. As I say, it’s not a huge loss, but I think it’s the worse decision of the two, by a narrow margin.

Back at Hunah Poo-Poo, there’s mild celebration at the reclamation of the flint, but it’s overshadowed by commiseration. Natalie, understandably, is somewhat broken up about Nadiya’s departure. She claims that she hasn’t cried in over a decade, a bit of hyperbole I find very hard to stomach. Other than that, though, I actually liked the scene. I showed a lot of members of Hunah Poo-Poo in an endearling light for how they consoled her, particularly Reed (though honestly, I found Missy’s subsequent breakdown annoying for a supposed “tough woman”), and hyperbole aside, Natalie’s reaction genuine. While what I’ve seen of the two indicates that the sisterly bond is volatile, due to the amount of insults they fling back and forth, it speaks to a certain power of the bond that the pair still remain on good terms, so it’s understandable that Natalie would be somewhat upset at her sister’s departure. What’s more, again apart from the “haven’t cried in ten years” thing, Natalie’s reaction was pretty subdued. She cried, but she got over it and put her head back in the game, and what’s more, she didn’t swear any vendettas, she just did her best. While the vendettas and revenge plots on the first “Blood vs. Water” were interesting, even they slipped into the realm of the soap opera, or even drama for drama’s sake. Point is, it felt forced. Natalie’s reaction doesn’t exactly give us the same emotional impact, but it feels more realistic, and it actually makes me like her more than I thought. When they aren’t losing, evidently, the twins can be tough, engaging characters who can spout the odd one-liner that helps make “Survivor” entertaining. Granted, Natalie hasn’t been a losing situation with Hunah Poo-Poo yet, so that opinion is subject to change, but from what I’ve seen, I like her.

Coyopa, meanwhile, is unraveling on the John Rocker front. Specifically, it turns out that Dale’s “Famous Person” radar is not just limited to reality tv. He has recognized John Rocker, and even remembers that he’s something of a racist, homophobic, bigoted asshole. Somewhat disappointingly, the tribe’s reaction overall is “So What?” On a personal and viewer level, I’m sad to see this, as John Rocker’s assholery makes me want to see him burn, but I must admit it’s good strategy to keep him around. Josh in particular is ok with the news, as he sees John now as a good person to take to the end, as he’s a big target come the merge, but will get no votes at the end due to his personality. Think Phillip Sheppard (“Survivor Redemption Island”), only with less crazy and more bigotry. Sound strategy, if you can get it to work. You could run into a Shamar (“Survivor Caramoan”) situation, and have him be more trouble than he’s worth. Josh does have good logic, though.

Regardless, Dale brings this subject up to make a point of how awkward Exile Island must be, due to Jeremy’s race. Jeremy, for his part, expresses a similar sentiment, as he ALSO remembers John Rocker and his infamous interview. Jeremy’s a little less forgiving than Coyopa, but still willing to let it ride with John Rocker, since he’s stuck with him. Jeremy ends up getting the clue, but doesn’t think as fast as his wife, and ends up sharing it. While I’m never a fan of sharing idol information if you can help it, I admit that Jeremy makes the most of the situation, making a sort of “Let’s take care of our loved ones” deal in sharing the clue. The clue, for the record, is a lot more informative. The clue originally had the words “Dig” and “Well” for Val, but now adds the words “Seven” and “North” for John and Jeremy. The first clue was too vague to be of much use, but this one pretty clearly indicates that the idol is buried seven paces due north of the well.

Challenge Time! And we get the first reused challenge of the season in entirety, but I’m ok with this one. Kind of. It’s the return of “Sumo at Sea”, first seen in “Survivor Palau”. The jist is that one member of each tribe squares off on a platform with sandbags, attempting to push the other person into the water. Last one standing wins a point for their Tribe, first Tribe to an arbitrary number of points (in this case five) wins immunity. It’s a very basic strength challenge, but there is something in the brutality of it that I find endearing. It’s also that brutality (as well as overusage recently) that is starting to make me dislike the challenge, but I’ll address that when it comes up. What also helps is the unpredictability of this challenge, though it’s case specific. At this point, Coyopa is getting into a rut of losing challenge, but their one strength is, well, strength. Hunah Poo-Poo’s momentum might give them an edge, but Coyopa’s strength makes up for it, so the outcome is far from decided, but I give the edge to Coyopa.

Probst’s gimmick this season is to give many of the matchups goofy names. However, he doesn’t go all-out and do it for everyone. Be consistent, Probst! In any case, I’ll be filling in where he did not. Rounds 1 and 9 are the “Battle of the Blands”, as each tribe pits its most generic girl against one another, meaning Kelley will be fighting Jaclyn, and each battle is as bland as its name. Each wins one round, but Kelley’s clinching the final round gives victory to Hunah Poo-Poo, so good for her.

Next up is the “Battle of the Brothers”, as Drew and Alec face off. If you had no idea that this season REALLY wanted to recapture the original “Blood vs. Water”, than this challenge should clue you in, as Probst gives this challenge almost the same framing and commentary as the Aras/Vytas match. And, much like that match, the brother who historically came out on top, Drew, wins, though without the excitement of the original. Drew and Alec are too similar to have a real rivalry, plus the Aras/Vytas match at least gave us underhanded tactics to analyze.

Round 3 is once again men, a “Battle of the Firemen” if you will, as Jeremy takes on Wes. It’s actually a pretty uneventful one, other than me incorrectly guessing that Jeremy’s size would give him an edge, as Wes scores another point for Coyopa. Harder fought is round 4, the “Battle of the Women of Color” as Natalie goes up against Val. This match goes on longer, and has a lot of back and forth between the two, and ends on a memorable note. After narrowly winning, Natalie proclaims to Jeremy that his wife is badass. Yes, Natalie, we all agree.

Round 5 is a tiebreaker “Battle of the Johns”, and once again I’m surprised. Less is more, as the Jon who is smaller and has fewer letters in his name takes the title. Ok, John Rocker, your main assets were in strength, and you can’t even bring THAT to the table. He can, however, bring a broken nose, but I’m sure that’s the only injury we’ll see today, right?

Round 6 is the “Battle of Mother and Daughter” as Laura Morett takes on Ciera Eastin… I mean, Missy takes on Baylor. Seriously, just like the Drew/Alec match, they’re not hiding who they really want back. This match is easily the most memorable, though, as both swear they’ll think of Missy’s various exes to gain strength. There’s a “Scott Pilgrim” joke here, I’m just not sure what it is. Regardless, this strategy works a little too well, as Missy hits Baylor too hard out of the gate, and Baylor accidentally bites down on her lip, drawing blood, stopping the match for about a minute. Once it’s established that Baylor does not need medical, the play resumes, but understandably, seeing her daughter in pain is too much for Missy. She pulls back on her punches, and Baylor wins the round as a result. Despite being a good microcosm of what works on a “Blood vs. Water” season, this is the round that makes me question my liking of the challenge. Fascinating though they may be, challenges that cause injuries consistently are not a good thing. We like to see people last longer, and don’t want to see them beat up too much. The trouble is, the past few times this challenge has been done, there’ve been some serious injuries. Tyson Apostol unhinged his shoulder on the first “Survivor Blood vs. Water”, and now we have John’s nose and Baylor’s lip. I think maybe this challenge is going too far, and needs to be retried. Also, is it just me, or was the rule about “Two Hands on the Bag” no in effect this time? Only Probst didn’t seem to be calling people out much on it.

Round 7 is the “Battle of Broadway” as Neil Patrick Harris takes on Reed. Now, given his dashing good looks no one wants to sully, you’d think Neil Patrick Harris would have the edge, but one must not forget that Reed is secretly Spider-Man, and he does whatever a spider can. Evidently, spiders can sumo wrestle, as Reed overcomes an early deficit to score.

Finally, since Round 9 was already covered, Round 8 is a “Battle of the Geezers”, according to Wes, which mean Keith and Dale square off. Pretty boring match, once again, but a surprising outcome. Though you’d think those years of being a fireman would have helped, Keith loses out to Dale. Fortunately, Hunah Poo-Poo continues their winning streak.

Those early days of Exile Island do not seem to have done Val any favors, as now she and Jaclyn are on the outs of the tribe. Val, however, is one of the few smart women on this season, and will not go down so easily. Under the pretext of talking to John about his time with Jeremy, Val comes up with the lie that she found two idols at the camp, so both she and Jaclyn are protected. John says he’ll think about it, and while he does, I’ll say that while the lie itself is a bit preposterous, Val pulls it off well, and it is a smart move. She’s gone into Sandra Diaz-Twine (“Survivor Pearl Islands”) mode, and is doing everything in her power to keep herself and her ally around. It reminds me a lot of Sandra instilling paranoia in Russell Hantz (“Survivor Samoa”) during “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains”, and while Sandra’s lie was better, it’s still a good attempt, and if you’re going to emulate a survivor, Sandra’s a good choice.

It all seems to come undone, though, as John decides to have a rare moment on insight. He goes looking for the idol anyway, comes to the same conclusions I did about the clue, and, as the music foreshadows, finds it pretty quickly. Getting into aesthetics, I do like the immunity idol this season. It’s creepy looking, but small enough to hide, and the fact that it looks broken gives it a more authentic feel. I’m less happy that John found it, but I can’t control these things.

Of course, John ruins his moment of brilliance by NOT realizing that this means that Val has no idol, and instead tries to keep good on his deal with Jeremy, informing Val that the plan is to split the vote between her and Baylor. Val then realizes that all she and Jaclyn have to do is vote Baylor, and they’re in the clear. It seems like Val’s nice bit of strategy might actually work out. However, Josh is suspicious, and rightly so. He notes that John and Val have never gone off alone before, and so something must be up. I cringe at this, as it sounds like a catty, High School sort of thing to say (stick to your own clique), but it is good insight. Josh is turning out to be the major strategist at Coyopa, and I love it!

Tribal this time around is much more interesting. At the forefront of the discussion is the tribe’s losing streak, and so Josh open up with a long, entertaining Broadway metaphor for change. We then get some much-needed sniping from Val and Jaclyn. Cornered and on the outs, they attack Baylor for being a traitor, which is true, in a sense, but they also claim that Baylor spearheaded the Dale vote, which I do not get. I think the women are trying to get votes on their side with this story.

It’s time to vote, and happily, I’m not sure who’s going, as both players have had adequate screentime, and there’s reason for both plans to succeed. In the end, Josh changes his split vote to force a tie, and with no way out, the vote turns against Val, sending her home. From a viewer perspective, I’m incredibly disappointed. Val seems to be a pretty good strategist, who had the bad luck of being sent to Exile Island first, and so couldn’t bond well enough to last. How’s that for guilt? It could be argued that Jeremy’s winning of the first challenge caused his wife’s downfall. Why they went with her over Jaclyn is beyond me. I guess they judged her not as physically strong, since she lost her round, and Jaclyn at least won once. Still, from a strategy perspective, I get it. While strength is important, and Val is stronger than Baylor, Val was also the brains behind the minority, and getting rid of her made her less of a threat, particularly to Josh, who now has the sole claim to strategy on Coyopa. Additionally, as we saw at that Tribal Council, Val was rocking the boat, which is very bad in the early stages of the game.

Despite what the title of this blog might indicate, this was actually a great episode. While there are still a few people I dislike in this cast (John Rocker), the people I liked are becoming better and better, and the people I thought would be annoying are by and large improving. I’m still disappointed at the women this season, but I guess you can’t have everything. This episode, like the first, helped set up some conflict for the future (again, mostly around John Rocker), but also gave us some payoff. Particularly, the highlight of the season for me is Josh’s rise to power on Coyopa. It’s not what you’d expect with the tribe, and it’s a joy to watch. Add to that some pretty good challenges and you have a fine episode! It gets an “A” in my book. Until next week!

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor San Juan del Sur” Episode 1: Where Have All The Great Women Gone?

Ah yes, the start of a new season of “Survivor”. The thrill of the adventure, the excitement of the challenges, and the… horrible smell that is the toughness nearly every single woman on this season? Yeah, a pretty good start overall, but I’ve got some major issues with it, particularly compared to most of the previous seasons. Still, perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself.

Welcome, everyone to “Idol Speculation: San Juan del Sur Edition”! The location may have changed, but the goal remains to make this blog my knee-jerk opinion that everyone is entitled to. And you’ll forgive me if I don’t refer to this season as “Survivor: San Juan del Sur: Blood vs. Water”, but it’s far too long a title without the “Blood vs. Water” colon as is, and plus I hate it when a season that blatantly reuses a theme from a previous season needs to state it that blatantly, or even just show it. As a result, this is one of the most poor Probst narrations to ever start a season. CBS must KNOW they have what is so far looking like a pretty piss-poor cast this season, because the first minute is entirely footage from the PREVIOUS “Survivor Blood vs. Water”, and in case we didn’t get the message that the season was awesome, the Probst narration has to PROVE that it’s awesome, thereby engraving the season into our skulls. The trouble is that this doesn’t leave a lot of room for the season itself.

Speaking of which, just to make the parallels to “Survivor Blood vs. Water” incredibly obvious, this season starts off with the “Day 0” twist once again. I’ll grant you, they give it a little more time than on the first “Blood vs. Water”, but in a sense it’s damning by faint praise, since that twist amounted to almost nothing that first time. Both seem to serve the purpose of giving Probst more time for his narration, which he uses to cover the stereotypes of each pair, which I already discussed during the “Cast Assessment” Blog, so I won’t be repeating it here. And at least the first Day 0 gave us plenty of vehicle porn. Here, Probst just sits in a helicopter while everyone in the jungle tries to make fire. Only one vehicle, and it’s an overused one at that. Look, Probst, I get that it was cool to have you dangle outside a helicopter during “Survivor All-Stars”, but it’s gotten really old since then. Find a new mode of transport.

In fairness, though, we do get a FEW important relationship tidbits out of the Day 0 twist this time. Mainly, we reemphasize the fact alluded to earlier, namely that the women this season SUCK! Going through them out of order, we see that nearly everyone has some strike against them. Val seems the best of the bunch, but that’s because we don’t see much of her until the first challenge. Jaclyn comes off pretty well, but even then, she comes off WAY too attached to her boyfriend Jon, and looks for praise from him a bit too much. The supposedly strong “twinnies” (as an aside, I REALLY hate that term. It’s just way too cutsie) begin bitching at each other when they can’t get fire in the first five minutes (I should note that all pairs were given flint and steel at the start), and then beg for help when the Probstcopter flies by. Kelley, rather than being the strong farming type she seemed like she might be, lets her father, Dale, do all the work while she worries about his health. Julie McGee, the girlfriend of former Atlanta Braves Pitcher John Rocker, CLAIMS to be strong, but then frets about the number of crabs at their campsite. And, in what in my mind is the nail in the coffin of most of the women, Missy and Baylor freak, and become completely paranoid over howler monkeys. I can understand being freaked out by the noise the first time (assuming you haven’t seen “Survivor Guatemala”, of course), but they’re CONSTANTLY looking behind themselves. They’re howler monkeys! Even with no knowledge of zoology, you should know they’re relatively harmless. I suppose, in fairness, I’m exaggerating the reactions of the women a bit, except in the case of Missy and Baylor. My problem is that we’ve had SO MANY GOOD WOMEN over the past few seasons, who could survive and strategize with the best of them, that seeing this return to relative wimpiness and weakness in the women, just makes me sick. I keep imagining Kim Spradlin (“Survivor One World”), Tina Wesson (“Survivor The Australian Outback”), Denise Stapely (“Survivor Philippines”), and Kass McQuillen (“Survivor Cagayan”), along with all the other strong women “Survivor” has cast in the past, watching these women with great shame.

Still, perhaps it’s unfair of me to dislike these women by comparison, so let’s talk about the only other things of significance to come out of the Day 0 footage. Probst apparently got his wish of having Neil Patrick Harris on “Survivor”, as he has shown up with what I can only assume is his life partner, some guy named Reed. Now as Neil Patrick Harris is an awesome actor, and I quite loved “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog”, I’m totally pleased with this casting choice. The only thing I can’t figure out is why Reed keeps calling Neil Patrick Harris “Josh”. Perhaps it’s some NPH role I’ve never heard of. John Rocker and his girlfriend serve a twofold purpose: we find out that John is a terrible liar, in that he states that he is not a racist, and no one in the audience believes him, and it gives Probst a chance to make a terrible “pitching” pun. But the big reveal comes in Wes and Keith, who manage to lose the striker for their flint very quickly. How will this come into play? Join me in the next paragraph.

Once everyone is brought it, Probst wastes no time in asking them if they made fire. Most people raise their hand, including Reed and Neil Patrick Harris. For some reason, Probst also insists on calling Neil Patrick Harris “Josh”. Clearly, the man has lost his marbles. One thing I noticed, that I find significant, is that Jeremy and Val, despite the fact that we SAW them with fire, do not raise their hands. This implies to me that the pair discussed how they were going to handle themselves before the start of the game, forward thinking we won’t see from most people this season. It’s a plus in their book, at least. Another pair who don’t raise their hands (though they, at least, are telling the truth) is Wes and Keith, and we get a fairly funny bit from them about it.
Probst then divides the tribes by the very complicated method of “Pick an envelope, and take whichever buff you get”. A nice, random method, but a bit boring. Ok, it’s better than the pretentious paint-filled eggs we’ve been subjected to so often over the past few seasons, but it’s still pretty boring. And actually, I kind of doubt its randomness. You see, CBS ultimately has final say over what people wear going into the game, and it’s become increasingly clear that in recent years, they like people to wear clothes in colors that match their tribe color. Call me a conspiracy nut, but the clothes colors of people match the tribes they ended up on just a little TOO closely. Ok, there are some exceptions. For example, I’d call John Rocker’s clothes closer to blue than orange. Even so, there are some matches that just seem way too improbable. What particularly makes me suspicious is that Baylor’s nails are painted orange. That seems like something CBS would mandate, but would only make sense if Baylor ended up on the Orange tribe. I am suspicious.

Speaking of the tribes, it can now be confirmed that the names of the tribes this time are Coyopa (Orange) and Hunahpu (Blue), the latter of which has to be one of the worst tribe names I’ve ever heard. I mean, Coyopa is generic but ok, but Hunahpu? Word of advice: If your last syllable sounds like a bodily function, there’s something wrong with it.

The tribes thus divided, Probst prophetically asks Jeremy what it’s like to now have to play against his wife. Jeremy states that it’s hard, because he wants to take care of Val, which prompts Val to say that she’s quite capable of taking care of herself. ALLELUIA! One woman who can measure up to the legacy I brought up earlier! I suppose for every annoying twinnie *shudder*, there is an angle named Val. Now, I’m not too proud of what could be perceived as a slightly chauvinistic statement from Jeremy, but going back to what I was saying earlier, I feel like this might have been planned out. In his speech, Jeremy expresses a desire to win and work with his tribe, while also coming off as compassionate. A nice mix of determined and conflicted, the same mix that worked well on the last “Blood vs. Water”. Can’t fault him for going based off of what worked before. This then leads Probst into the first challenge, which will be a one-on-one duel for the reward of flint. Probst has the tribes decide on who picks first by a friendly game of rock-paper-scissors. Come on, Probst, that’s just lame. Surely there’s an ancient Mayan Roulette wheel you could have appropriated for deciding who picks first. Hunahpu, or Hunah Poo-Poo as I will henceforth be calling them, because I’m five years old, wins the right to pick first, and Jeremy demonstrates his commitment to the team by forcefully volunteering himself. Probst then reveals that all reward challenges in the tribal phase will be one-on-one competitions, and that each time, whoever goes up will face their loved one, giving Val a chance to prove herself over her husband. Once again, Jeremy pulls off a good combination of sadness and determinism, the grief piled on still further by a glorious Probst, who tells them that whoever loses will be sent to the now-resurrected Exile Island.

Before I get to the challenge itself, and my thoughts on how Exile Island is being handled this season, let me state that I am NOT happy that all reward challenges are one-on-one in the tribal phase this time. It was one of my problems with any season with the Redemption Island twist, and it’s one of my problems here. Now, I’ve heard that a lot of people don’t mind this, as they consider the challenges the least important aspect of “Survivor” overall. I admit this is true, but I would counter that they’re an important part of the legacy. Hell, one of the reasons I became hooked on “Survivor” was the challenges. Yes, they’re not AS important to the game as strategy, but they’re important to the spectacle. When you scale them down, you lose spectacle. One of the things I’ve realized from doing my off-season “Retrospective” series is that individual challenges often pale in comparison to tribal challenges. This is understandable, as fewer people means challenges generally become less epic in scale, but this means that taking away ANYTHING from the tribal phase challenges is a major loss. Even if most people don’t, I will miss the big reward challenges.

As to the challenge itself, it’s pretty ok. Not a rehash of any one challenge, but a mix of a few, although it does bear a striking resemblance to several challenges from “Survivor Guatemala”. Actually, a LOT of the season bears an aesthetic resemblance to “Survivor Guatemala”. Hey, CBS, try finding a DIFFERENT THEME! Maybe one you haven’t used before!

Gotta focus. Challenge. Challenge. Right. Yes, I actually kind of like this challenge. Val and Jeremy race to untangle a rope that has two rings attached to it. Once each ring is untangled, they will use it like a grappling hook to hook two platforms one at a time. The first person to get the two platforms wins. This is a clever challenge, and changes things up just enough to avoid my wrath. I particularly like using platforms rather than bags like these types of challenges usually do. Do I wish it was epic in scale like tribal reward challenges SHOULD be? Yes, but it’s still not a half-bad challenge. It’s also fairly evenly matched, as it’s not strength-based (not that Val is weak, by any stretch, but Jeremy is BUILT). Still, I give a slight edge to Jeremy, as I feel like fireman’s training might include throwing things like grappling hooks.

Despite an early tight race, Jeremy pulls ahead and ultimately wins. Jeremy once again expresses his mixed emotions over winning, and expresses a desire to “take care” of his wife. Um, Jeremy? We got the message. You can stop being so concerned now. Makes you seem a bit chauvinistic. Probst tells Jeremy that he must now send one person from Hunah Poo-Poo to Exile Island with Val. Jeremy does not hesitate and chooses Keith, on the basis that he can, say it with me now, “take care of his wife”. Probst lampshades how poor of a choice this seems, due to the aforementioned losing of the striker, but I think it shows a bit of a deeper thinking. Perhaps like Sarah Lacina’s “Cop-Dar” on “Survivor Cagayan”, Jeremy has a bit of “Fireman-dar”, as both he and Keith are firemen. On top of this, I suspect that Jeremy correctly surmised that an older man would be more chivalrous, and take things in stride, making Keith a good choice to send. Besides, apparently it was Wes who lost the striker anyway.

WES: HEY!

MATT: Oh, Good God, THIS early in the season? I’m getting sick of this running gag…

WES: Don’t you get smart with me! It was my DAD that lost the striker!

MATT: No, no, get out of my apartment, it is FAR too early in the season to have you people bursting in and criticizing me!

(Slams door in Wes’ face).

Now, as I was saying, Exile Island. I’m not happy with it. I don’t mind the sending of two people, but the winner picking someone from their own tribe to go with the loser also exactly copies “Survivor Micronesia”. And jumping ahead a bit, the method of deciding who gets the hidden immunity idol clue (each person picks an urn; one has a clue and one a blank piece of paper) exactly copies “Survivor Tocantins”. The reason I was excited for Exile Island this season was that I feel it was retired before its time. There were still a lot of potential cool new ways to handle Exile Island, but they’re just resting on their laurels this time (kind of the theme for the season). On top of that, they’re denying us full-on reward challenges this time around for a reused Exile Island. Not cool, CBS. Still, with that said, I actually do like one layer of strategy with Exile Island: how much info you give in your picks. In previous seasons, when two people went, the tribes didn’t know anyone on the other side, so it was hard to pick up alliance patterns. This season, with everyone knowing someone else on the other tribe, people are going to have to think about who they send. You don’t want to send someone opposing you alliance-wise, because your loved one is there, but sending someone you’re close with might cause that alliance to become known. It’s an interesting dilemma, and the one saving grace of Exile Island.

As both tribes leave, we once again get Jeremy talking about how sad he is that he got his wife sent to Exile Island. Look, dude, chivalry is nice, but you’re taking it WAY too far! It’s getting disturbing, and I’m REALLY starting to question your attitudes towards women now.

Matters aren’t helped for me on this score when Hunah Poo-Poo arrives at camp. They seem cordial, but Jeremy is fired up after sending his wife to Exile Island. For some reason, he sees doing well as a bad thing, and believes he needs to make an alliance very quickly. Since he claims to have a natural rapport with women, he starts with Kelley, and works his way through Missy and Natalie. Unfortunately, NONE of them are the least bit put off by his need to take care of his woman, and find it endearing. Natalie even goes so far as to call Jeremy her “male twinnie”. Oh God, BAD IMAGE, BAD IMAGE!

I guess I can see how it would be kind of attractive to have a big strong guy taking care of you, but it just seems like a sign of weakness on the part of these women. Again, I just get the image of strong women from “Survivor’s” past shaking their heads in dismay at this reliance on a man. To be fair, I may be being too hard on Jeremy. All the women say they like him regardless, and he does seem to have charisma, so perhaps the need to take care of his wife is just augmenting his natural charm. So, perhaps I’m jumping the gun a bit in calling Jeremy chauvinistic, but for all he keeps talking about it, I’m beginning to wonder how much of his attitude towards his wife is exaggerated. Seems to me she can take care of herself just fine, dude. Why worry so much? Still, he does seem to respect the women he’s with to some degree. At least he hasn’t named his alliance the “Dumb-Ass Girl” alliance or anything. That would just be awful!

While gender is the order of the day at Hunah Poo-Poo, age is the order of the day at Coyopa. They came out on the younger side of things, a fact that Nadiya is quick to point out, in an incredibly offensive way, basically describing Dale as “ancient” for being in his fifties. Well, we can add “ageist” to the list of WONDERFUL qualities attributable to Natalie and Nadiya. Still, even without offensive remarks make about his age, Dale notices the divide, and sets about proving himself by making fire with his glasses. Baylor chimes in at this point that she didn’t even know this was possible, and that Dale is isolating himself while most everyone else attempts to make fire via the “rubbing sticks” method. Ok, the latter is a good observation, but of the former: Welcome back, Kat Eddorson of “Survivor One World”! You were not missed, but evidently you see fit to come back anyway. Yay.
Dale ends up sacrificing his glasses for the cause, breaking them in half to double the magnification, and eventually gets fire. This earns him a few brownie points, and really makes me like the guy, but he’s still on thin ice. Also, take THAT Baylor! It was totally possible!

Meanwhile, on Exile Island, we get confirmation that Keith is one of those “actually dumb” rednecks, as opposed to the “playing dumb” rednecks most people prefer watching. Despite claiming to be a fan of the show, Dale doesn’t realize that the note Val is reading (she got the correct urn) is probably a clue to the hidden immunity idol. Val tells a lie that it only pertains to her tribe, and she does a good job selling it via acting, but that’s such a vague and weak answer that I’m amazed Keith doesn’t question it. Good for Val on keeping the clue to herself if possible. When it comes to anything with the hidden immunity idol, the fewer people know, the better. Still, Keith doesn’t come away empty-handed. Val reveals that Jeremy is also a fireman, which makes Keith respect him all the more. Man, Jeremy’s charm is so thick, it even transcends geography. And speaking of geography, I kind of like this Exile Island. It stands out for its sparseness. Nearly every other Exile Island had some kind of structure placed on it that dominated the landscape (or at least, augmented the landscape that was already there). This one has a small courtyard where the urns are but that’s it. It’s actually a refreshing change. Not to say that this Exile Island (or, should I say, Exile Peninsula) isn’t distinctive, no, it has a giant rock for that. Seriously, it’s a powerful image, particularly from the many helicopter shots we get of it, and so this is an Exile Island look I can get behind.

When first we return to Hunah Poo-Poo, it seems as though Drew will become suspicious of Jeremy, but it quickly devolves into the much less interesting Drew going on and on about how much of a leader he is in building the shelter. Props to Julie for calling out what is obviously a very stupid move, but it surprises me a little bit. True, Drew never seemed like the brightest bulb on the Hanukah Tree, but I thought he had more sense than this. I think the problem is in the dynamic. While Coyopa is skewed younger, Hunah Poo-Poo is skewed older, meaning Drew is not naturally looked upon as a leader. I get the feeling, however, that Drew is USED to leading, and so, as the youngest of the guys, can only establish his dominance by telling everyone of his dominance. This will, of course, backfire, and I look forward to his eventual ironic elimination.

John Rocker, meanwhile, is feeling the heat at Coyopa. Wes, being something of a baseball fan, thinks he might have figured out John’s true identity, which John had wanted to keep secret. He’s not 100% certain, however, and so quizzes John. Despite Wes appearing to not have a clue, and getting a few details wrong, John comes clean and swears Wes to secrecy, forming an alliance. However, John admits that he’s afraid of Wes, and might need to get rid of him, now that he’s in on the secret. I must disagree with this strategy, however. When you’re in the position of wanting to hide a secret, you want to keep that person as close as possible. In alienating them or voting them out, you give them incentive to tell your secret. Nothing stops someone from blurting out the secret once you’ve betrayed them. If, however, you ally with them, this gives them incentive to keep you around, as your benefits are their benefits, and getting rid of you does no good. Then again, this is John Rocker, so it’s not exactly a brain trust.

Antics, and I use the term loosely, abound at Hunah Poo-Poo, as Jon takes after “Survivor Guatemala” alumnus Cindy Hall, and imitates the call of the howler monkey. This is not funny and serves no strategic purpose. What we get from Coyopa next is slightly funnier, but only just. Neil Patrick Harris complains of a burning sensation in his eye, which Nadiya loudly declares is because they accidentally used toxic leaves in the roof of their shelter. They get rid of them. Nice to see some of the trial and error in survival for once, and the pain of others is always a bit funny. Beyond that, though, it’s pointless.

CHALLENGE TIME! And we get one of the better first immunity challenges in a while. After getting under a zigzagging crawlthrough, the tribes lift up members to untie high up bags. One bag contains a rope, the other two pegs. Using these supplies and each other, the tribes then scale a three-stage wall, where four of them solve a puzzle to win immunity. While not the most original, it does have elements that we haven’t seen for a while that I enjoy (the zigzagging crawlthrough), and we get multiple ways of climbing the wall, as opposed to just one. An original, fairly difficult puzzle makes me like the challenge, but one aspect of the execution makes me love it. I’ve complained over the past few seasons that the tribes are too small or broken up to make for a good first challenge. Here, there’s an emphasis on teamwork, and with few exceptions, the tribe sticks together, making for an awesome first challenge. Maybe that’s the problem: we can only have good challenges if the cast is awful.

I’ll admit, this challenge fooled me. This is a very athletic challenge, and Coyopa overall is more athletic. On top of this, the only strategy we got from Coyopa was John Rocker not liking Wes, while Hunah Poo-Poo seemed to have a “Drew Fails” storyline in the works, particularly due to a close-up of Missy heckling Drew at one point. But Hunah Poo-Poo comes back on the puzzle and wins the whole thing, which I suppose is not too surprising. No one on this season seems to be very puzzle oriented, but Reed seems to come the closest. Since he seems to lead Hunah Poo-Poo in this part, they win. Good for them.

Celebrating their victory, Jeremy catches Keith up on the goings on of Hunah Poo-Poo, and cements him into what I’m now calling “Firemen-R-Us”. Good for Jeremy. He seems very proactive at controlling the tribe, and seems set up to be the power broker for the tribe.

With Tribal Council looming, the Coyopa men get together. They agree that Val deserves a chance, so her name’s off the chopping block. Val, being the only woman who is proactive and not an idiot this season, goes looking for the idol anyway, with no success. In the meantime, the men all agree that Nadiya needs to go, after Drew correctly points out that Nadiya is a known volatile quantity, and the tribe would be better off without her. I can’t fault this thinking, as it’s the move I suggested myself.

Neil Patrick Harris smartly says “Yes” to every deal, but is open when Nadiya approaches him to take out Dale, based on his age. This plan is furthered by Val wanting to form a “girls” alliance, which Nadiya says Neil Patrick Harris will join. He’s somewhat put off, though, because Nadiya refers to him as a girl at one point due to his sexuality. Looks like we can add “stereotype homosexuals” to their growing list of good qualities. Oh hey, it’s Brad Culpepper (“Survivor Blood vs. Water”) reborn! Ok, that’s not fair, Nadiya seems able to do basic math.
With Baylor saying she’ll side with whatever Neil Patrick Harris says, it seems down to him to decide which way the vote will go. From a strategic standpoint, I’d still say get rid of Nadiya. Physically, she’s stronger than Dale, but it’s not as though Dale brings NOTHING to the table, Nadiya is, as stated, a volatile element that does not need to be there, and with Baylor on your side, you can easily flip things to vote off Dale later if need be. We’ll see what he does. I do have to say, though, that I’m glad Neil Patrick Harris is at the center of things. I’m liking him a lot, and again, he seems to be one of the few people with his head on his shoulders.

Tribal Council is average, both in content and in look. I’ll give credit that there aren’t that many stone-based tribal councils, but aside from that, it really doesn’t stand out much. The snuffer is pretty cool, a skull with some sort of turquoise on it, but other than that, nothing. The tribe dynamics are gone over. Dale talks about being the outcast, and Nadiya explains the age gap. She also once again refers to Neil Patrick Harris as a girl, which I’m sure does her no favors. Even so, I still think Dale will go home, just because he’s had more screentime. I’m pleasantly surprised, therefore, that Nadiya gets sent home. I’m not sorry to see her go. It seems like she would only have gotten worse as time went on, and I think it was the smart move overall. Even Val, once again showing shrewdness, changed her vote to Nadiya, which is good in that it avoided a tie and got rid of the right person. What I can’t figure out is why Neil Patrick Harris voted for Baylor. Dude, don’t you WANT to align with her? Voting for her does not help this goal in the slightest.

This is a fairly average start to the season. We get a fair amount of groundwork laid for interesting dynamics in the future, and some nice challenges. Still, there are a lot of problems with this season so far. The women are overall very weak, both physically and mentally. The episode seemed too long for itself. I mean, did we really NEED to see Jon talk to howler monkeys? I think an hour would have been plenty to get across what was needed.

Still, better too much than too little, I suppose. The real problem, however, is how much this season is trying to be “Survivor Blood vs. Water”. One of the things that makes “Survivor” great is how it is so dynamic. It’s amongst the most innovative shows out there, due simply to the fact that it can drastically change season to season. By copying a previous season, you dilute this. Even so, there’s some potential here, and I’m not prepared to write off the season just yet. I am, however, prepared to write another:

TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5!

I had a lot of topic choices for this one, but I’m going with a subject I’ve wanted to do for a while: Tribe names. I’m talking exclusively non-merge based names here, and translations do matter. Other than that, anything goes, so let’s find out what I like with:

TOP 5:

5. Yasur (“Survivor Vanuatu”): Above all else, you want your tribe name to sound badass. And what’s more badass than an active volcano? Apart from this, the name Yasur also stands out for starting with an uncommon letter, making it memorable. Longer tribe names are preferable to me, so Yasur ends up on the bottom of the list, but it’s still pretty awesome.

4. Kalabaw (“Survivor Philippines”): This one’s a bit odd, as I can’t really articulate why I like it. There’s just some sort of a very raw, primal feeling that comes with saying the name. This invokes power, and I feel like this is one of those names that’s fun to scream at the top of your lungs, which is always a good thing to have. Plus, being named after a water buffalo is pretty intimidating. They’re fierce creatures.

3. Jalapao (“Survivor Tocantins”): Like Kalabaw, this is another name that’s just fun to say, and invokes a certain feeling of power. Jalapao gets the higher spot, however, because I can better articulate why it’s better. It has the word “POW” written right into the name. If you don’t get a feeling of power from a sound effect from the old “Batman” show, you’re just not living.

2. Drake (“Survivor Pearl Islands”): Normally, whenever “Survivor” gives a tribe an English name, I hate it. It just seems very un-“Survivor”. The show should celebrate other cultures, not the one of the country it’s based in. Drake, though, is the exception. Unlike a lot of other English Tribe names, this one lends a certain dignity to the tribe, and actually seems somewhat intimidating. And, again, it’s another one that’s fun to yell out loud.

1. Samburu (“Survivor Africa”): This is a name that combines the best of all possible worlds. It celebrates the host culture, it’s fun to say, it’s relevant to the theme of the season, and given how Samburu warriors have been built up in popular media, it just feels so right.

Honorable Mention: Yaxha (“Survivor Guatemala”): This one almost beat out Yasur. It starts with the same letter as Yasur, but also has an “X” in it, which as everyone knows, adds coolness. It’s another fun to say one, but doesn’t make the list partly because while I get a feeling of power from it, I don’t get an image like I do with a lot of the other tribes, and partly because I have a lot of nostalgia for “Survivor Guatemala”, and worry about favoritism.

BOTTOM 5

5. Zapatera (“Survivor Redemption Island”): This one’s a bit of an odd choice for this list, as I actually kind of like the way it sounds. Fun to yell, fairly intimidating, I should like this one. However, from what little Spanish I know, I believe “Zapatera” is derived from the word for “show”, which is not the least bit intimidating. I put this one at the bottom because I’m not 100% certain on my translation, but if I’m right, this is an awful name.

4. Heroes (“Survivor Heroes vs. Villains): Remember how I said I don’t like English Tribe names? Yeah, this is the worst of it. I’ll grant you that it fit the theme of the season, which is why it’s as low on the list as it is, but it seems lame, and doesn’t make sense. There are no objective “Heroes” on “Survivor”. We shouldn’t have a tribe explicitly dedicated to them either.

3. Hunah Poo-Poo (“Survivor San Juan del Sur”): As I said before, any tribe name that resembles a bodily function is not a good idea. But overall, this just fails as a name in general. As far as I know it doesn’t translate into anything, intimidating or otherwise, is tricky to say and spell, and doesn’t seem like it’s fun to yell. Very few positives at all for this one, though at least the translation doesn’t hurt it like it does the entries above it.

2. La Flor (“Survivor Nicaragua”): Flowers do not equal intimidation, particularly when the opposing tribe name translates to “sword”. Need I say more?

1. Chuay Gahn (“Survivor Thailand”): This one fails on multiple levels. I’ll give a few points for using actual Thai words, but could you have come up with ones that better translate? Having your tribe named “To Help One Another” doesn’t exactly strike fear into the opponent’s hearts. ON top of this, even if it is grammatically correct Thai, it still sounds stupid. It sounds like a petulant kid who had his Chewbacca plushie taken away (“Chewey Gone!”). Just a bad idea overall.

Honorable Mention: Luzon (“Survivor Cagayan”): There’s nothing technically wrong with this name, but when the losing tribe of the season has the word “lose” in their name, it needs to be acknowledged as a bad idea.

Well, after an average start to the season, I’m averagely tired. See you next week!
-Matt
Title Credit to Jean Storrs.