“Survivor” Retrospectives: Redemption Island.

Ok, I know I’ve got a set format for these “Retrospectives” blogs, wherein I first snakily comment upon the public’s opinion of a given season versus my own, and then warn people about spoilers, but I’m breaking it here. There’s literally no way for me to introduce “Survivor Redemption Island” without spoiling the season in a major way. So I’m just going to say right up front that, if you just want to know my general, spoiler-free opinion on the season, scroll down to the bottom of this page. You should find a section labeled “Abstract” that is spoiler-free. If you don’t want spoilers, stop reading this paragraph. Right now. Yes, even you stragglers who can’t stop yourselves from reading something once you’ve started.

All those who want spoilers gone? Good.

Well, now we come to the follow up season to “Survivor Nicaragua”. After coming off of such bad season, you know “Survivor” needed a real home-run idea. Something to knock the fan’s collective socks off. As such we got “Survivor Boston Rob”… I mean “Survivor Redemption Island”. It did not knock the fan’s collective socks off. It sucked. Badly. Let’s read on and find out exactly what went wrong, which, since we start with the “Cast” section, should happen very quickly.

CAST

So, who out of the Redemption Island cast had any discernible impact on the season as a whole? Boston Rob.

Oh, what’s that? Like any good “Survivor” fan, you wanted more than that? It takes more than one person to make up a season? Well, too bad! CBS says you’re getting Boston Rob, and you’re going to like him, dammit!

Ok, ok, so I’m exaggerating, but only fractionally so. But before we get into the VERY few people who weren’t Boston Rob who mattered this season, let’s talk about exactly what Boston Rob brought this season that he did not bring over the last three seasons we had him on. Well, to his credit, Boston Rob learned from his past mistakes. Specifically, his mistakes in not locking down his alliance as solidly as he should have, and taking someone to the end who could easily win against him. He corrected both of these problems posthaste, leading to probably his best strategic game. This was both blessing and curse. We’d never really seen someone dominate an alliance quite so thoroughly and successfully, so, from a strategic perspective, a very enlightening season. Notice that I used the term “enlightening” rather than “interesting” or “entertaining”, since the latter two terms imply some form of positive feeling towards this development. The curse of Boston Rob 4.0, which I’ll be repeating several times throughout this blog, is that when it’s this obvious who the winner will be, THE SHOW GETS BORING! Yes, Boston Rob’s strategic dominance was impressive, but it also killed any sense of drama after about the fourth or fifth episode, which, in a season almost three times that length, is not a good sign. The fan reaction to Boston Rob reflects this. Most people agree he played a really good game, but one that ended up being boring, and except for die-hard Boston Rob fans (i.e. Jeff Probst), nobody really liked seeing the domination of Boston Rob. Add on to that that this was his FOURTH CHANCE at the game, and many people (myself included) felt like this was just CBS trying to give Boston Rob a win since he “deserved it”, and no one much wanted to see that. Personally, I like Boston Rob’s return here even less than the others, since I was never a big fan of his to begin with, and was just sick of him by the time this season rolled around. So yeah, Boston Rob. There you have it. Not much else to say. Even so, I’ll admit that I was more pleased to see Boston Rob than I was to see the person playing opposite him.

Yes, folks, Boston Rob wasn’t quite the ONLY big name of the season. For literally the THIRD SEASON OUT OF THE MOST RECENT 4, Russell Hantz of “Survivor Samoa” was coming back to play. If the audience was SLIGHTLY fatigued of Boston Rob, they were REALLY fatigued with Russell (except, of course, for the die-hard Russell Hantz fans, of which there are fewer and fewer by the day). He came back and, surprise surprise, played EXACTLY the same game as before. He went out and got his “dumbass girl” alliance, this time consisting of Krista Klump and Stephanie Valencia, and tried to dominate the Zapatera tribe. We didn’t really need to see it twice, and we DEFINITELY didn’t need to see the same game played a third time. Yet, strangely, I find this to be the most tolerable Russell Hantz ever was. That is because this is both his shortest and most ironic tenure ever. I’ll go over this more in the “Twist” section, but suffice to say that Russell Hantz’ exit is probably the highlight of the season. Ironically, because he is so hated, and because he left so early, his presence is probably the best thing out of this season. Again, I’ll talk about this more in the “Twist” section, and I really hate to say it, but once Russell left, the season just wasn’t the same.

Ah, but I would be remiss to not mention one of Probst’s favorite characters of all time to come out of Redemption Island. After all, the season wouldn’t be the same without Phillip “Special Agent?” Sheppard. Yes, Phillip, the large, loud, supposed former federal agent insisted upon not being ignored. And how did he do this? By being crazy. And no, since he made this argument, I am not saying he was “crazy” out of any form of racism. I certainly acknowledge that sometimes black people have been labeled “crazy” as a way of dismissing them, and I do not support such behavior in any way. Sometimes, though, crazy just means crazy, and Phillip Sheppard was just regularly crazy. I’m forgoing the fact that he walked around in his pink underwear a lot of the time, since there’s nothing wrong with hot pink underwear, and since it was hot, I’d imagine he’d want to go pants-less sometimes. What I’m NOT going to pass by is his claims of all these classified stories of his being a federal agent, his random yelling at people who supposedly slight Boston Rob, and ESPECIALLY his chats with Great-Grandpa Jessup. Yeah, it’s one thing to reminisce about dearly departed family members, or even “talk” to them, but Phillip took it to a whole new level. Claiming that said dearly-departed great-grandpa sent you a feather pretty well classifies you as nuts. Suffice to say that the audience did not latch on to Phillip Sheppard nearly as well as CBS would have liked. And they brought him back for “Survivor Caramoan” anyway, and there he was, if possible, crazier. I have heard that he has a few supporters; those who claim that Phillip was just playing up the “crazy” aspects of himself to make sure he got to the end. Given how over-the-top some of Phillip’s stunts were, I’d believe it. I would, if it weren’t for the fact that he DIDN’T OWN UP TO THIS STRATEGY AT THE FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL! WHY WOULD YOU GO TO THE TROUBLE OF PLAYING THE CRAZY PERSON TO MAKE IT TO THE END, ONLY THEN TO NOT OWN IT, THEREBY DEFEATING THE PURPOSE OF THE STRATEGY? No, Phillip Sheppard is being 100% himself, and that’s kind of scary. Phillip is not a good addition to the “Survivor” lexicon.

Of course, there are actually two other people from Redemption Island who got invited to play again, and they do deserve at least a bit of consideration. The first is Andrea Boehlke, the little “strategist” with the unpronounceable last name. She’s usually remembered more for her potential on this season than anything else, which I can’t deny. Unlike most of the rest of her tribe, Andrea was NOT fully on the “Boston Rob is ‘Survivor’ Jesus” train. She did have something of a mind of her own, and was smarter than most of her competitors. On the other hand, this is really being damned by faint praise. Sea Slugs are smarter than 95% of this season’s cast. I’ve heard other people say that she’s hot, and she may be, but I personally don’t see it, and in any case, that shouldn’t be a criterion for what makes a good “Survivor” character. Nevertheless, I can say that Andrea didn’t annoy me this season, beyond just not living up to her threats to get Boston Rob. She wasn’t exciting, but at least she didn’t annoy me. The other major player this season, with the incomprehensible first name (according to Phillip) if the first boot, Francesca Hogi. She’s remembered not so much for her gameplay, but for her manner of leaving. She was voted out after a (admittedly hilarious) Tribal Council in which Phillip could not pronounce her name, but also got voted out for little to no reason. True, she did move against Boston Rob on the season where to even THINK of doing so was blasphemous, but she wasn’t the ringleader of that alliance. One Kristina Kell was. However, she had a hidden immunity idol, and so Francesca was targeted through little fault of her own. Not that Francesca was ever going to be a fabulous player, but she might have had potential as a character. I, like most of the audience, pitied her more than liked her, and while she wasn’t a bad character to come out of this season, she wasn’t the strongest.

Now there are those who were popular at the time, but who have (rightly so, in all cases) fallen into the cracks as time goes by. First up is Matt Elrod, the overall nice guy of the group who was an early boot, due to being too “nice” for Boston Rob’s liking. Matt got a lot of love early on, as a likable challenge beast who ruled the first part of Redemption Island (the twist, not the season). Sadly, when he came back at the merge, it became clear that Matt was really just an idiot who kind of deserved what he got, and I was on that bandwagon well before the merge. I will say it hurt a bit so see him go on a personal level, but that’s only because, as someone else named Matt, it’s rather jarring to hear your own name written down at Tribal Council. There was also Ralph Kiser, who at first seemed like he might be another Tom Buchanan (“Survivor Africa”). He had the same sort of drawl, but we quickly realized that, unlike Tom, there was no craftiness or intelligence behind it, just more stupid. Bear in mind that this is the man who once cast a vote for “Fillup”, Ralph’s stupidity these days is just another stain on the “Survivor” legacy, and good riddance to him. Oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention David Murphy, arguably the most missed potential of any contestant ever. David was built up big time pre-season as a major strategist, with the highest IQ of any contestant to date! He was also a smug bastard, with many a fun confessional. This led the audience to believe that he was going to become a major force on the season, and his smugness would be backed up with brilliance. Except it wasn’t. David did nothing smart the entire season. Indeed, he actually screwed up several puzzles (only one on purpose), was generally a moron, and like 95% of this cast, simply kowtowed to Boston Rob in the end. What is he remembered for? Awkwardly proposing to his girlfriend, Carolina Eastwood (“Survivor Tocantins”) live at the reunion show, and uncomfortable affair that I wouldn’t be surprised to learn actually led to the separation of the two. Seriously, watch that reunion show again, and watch the look on Carolina’s face when David proposes. You can tell she want’s to say “No”, but can’t do it on national tv. Seriously, you wanted us to like THIS guy?

And the trouble is, that’s really it. I did have a personal favorite in Ashley Underwood, that was more because a friend of mine knew her than anything. I do think she had more brains than most of the people on that season who weren’t Boston Rob, but again, sea slugs. Also, she had no real personality to back up that brain, so not much to see there. Stephanie did get some play recently when she was nominated for the upcoming “Survivor Cambodia”, but not much. She wasn’t picked, and rightly so in my eyes, since she didn’t DO anything on her season. She’s faded pretty quickly back into obscurity, and that’s where she belongs. Even the stunt casting of former NFL players Steve Wright and Grant Mattos did nothing to improve the cast.

People will often claim that this cast was hand-selected to give Boston Rob a victory. I don’t personally think that was the case (not to say that there weren’t OTHER ways the producers tried to stack things in Boston Rob’s favor, which we’ll go over in the “Twist” section), but I can definitely see why people think that’s the case. This cast is filled with nothing but idiots and aggravating people. You’re hard pressed to find anyone other than Boston Rob with a brain, much less an appealing character. The season gets points for having an amazing domination on Boston Rob’s end, but even that ruined at lot of the season. In the end, one of the worst casts the show has ever had.

SCORE: 3 out of 10

CHALLENGES:

Normally on a season with a bad cast (and, in this case, bad twists as well), one can at least say there were a lot of cool challenges. That is not the case with Redemption Island. Don’t get me wrong, it has it’s fair share of epic challenges (in particular, I like the first immunity challenge a lot), but for every challenge that’s great, it has one that just kind of sucks. You know that lame “Balancing balls on a plate” challenge that the show loves to use now? Yeah, that started here. Not a fun challenge to watch at all. This one also had the puzzle of “Count the numbers 1-100”, which is, in my opinion, the LAMEST puzzle the show has ever done. It does have the standout challenge of the “Ribbing the Fish One-Handed” puzzle (which sounds like a sex position to me), ut it also has the “use Craftsman Tools to get through an obstacle course” challenge. Apart from one or two standouts, the challenges just aren’t that spectacular this season. For the most part, they’re either boring or lame, and that’s really not good for a season with little to go on to begin with.

SCORE: 4 our of 10.

TWISTS

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, pretty much every aspect of Redemption Island sucks. Usually, if the cast is bad, the twists are ok, or vice versa. This is not the case here. The twists of Redemption Island suck hard. And the mere concept of Redemption Island (the twist, not the season) also sucks hard. But I’m getting ahead of myself. This was not the first twist of the season. All the advertising was not for “Redemption Island”. No, it was for the “Rob vs. Russell”, playing off a boast Boston Rob made at the “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains” reunion show. Let me state categorically that this was a TERRIBLE idea for a season. Now, I’ve said before and I’ll say again that returning castaways, in and of themselves, are not bad. But there’s a right and a wrong way to do it. The right way is like in “Survivor Guatemala”, where the players brought back had not been oversaturated in the public consciousness at this point, and both were pretty universally loved, or at least tolerated. With Boston Rob and Russell, this was their fourth and third times playing, respectively, so they felt a lot more tired than Stephenie and Bobby Jon did on “Survivor Guatemala”. On top of that, while Boston Rob had won a lot of respect on “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains”, neither of them was as universally loved as Stephenie was, or even close to what Bobby Jon got. The other aspect that made “Survivor Guatemala” the right way to have returning castaways, and Redemption Island the wrong way to have returning castaways, is based on the strength of the supporting cast. True, Stephenie was still the star of “Survivor Guatemala”, but she wasn’t the only person who had anything going for her. As mentioned before, Boston Rob and Russell were really the only entertainment game in town this season, which is not how the returning castaways should be used. They should add spice to an already good season, not have to carry the entire thing. Ultimately, while I can see why these two were wanted back, it was too soon, and these two were the wrong two to do it with.

Next, we come to the titular Redemption Island. You’re hard-pressed to find anyone today who likes this twist, and I am no exception. I’ll be trashing it a lot, and pointing out it’s shortcomings in a moment. But first I would like to take a moment to give the ONE logical reason I have come up with as to why CBS thought this would be a good idea, since many of the flaws with this twist are obvious to most everybody.

Now, I hate to do this. I hate to have to put the season into a context where it must be compared to the seasons around it. I feel a season should be able to stand on its own, without any influence about what the seasons around it were, since it can unfairly bias people against an ok season when it came after a spectacular season. But in this case, it must be done, since the one justification I can see for the Redemption Island twist is tied directly to “Survivor Nicaragua”. Remember how I said in my last retrospective that what people have the most about “Survivor Nicaragua” is the Na’Onka/Purple Kelly quit? And how it was made worse by the fact that Brenda and Marty, the two most popular strategists of the season had just been voted out? Well, I would say that Redemption Island is a direct response to that problem. Yes, even before the season aired, I think the show realized that two big names from the season going out before two pathetic players was a major problem. The solution, then, was to make sure that, if good players went out, they still had a chance to get back in. This wouldn’t have solved the problems of “Survivor Nicaragua”, mind you, but it would have made them slightly less bad. So there, the one justification for why Redemption Island seemed like a good idea.

Now for the reasons that Redemption Island is obviously a bad idea. First off, as Dalton Ross of “Entertainment Weekly” has pointed out, it effective gets rid of the best moment of the show: the torch snuffing. Talk to any person on the street, even if they’ve barely HEARD of “Survivor”, and they can probably tell you at least a little about the torch snuffing process. It’s the icon of the show, and you’ve gotten rid of it in favor of this lame little duel arena. Shame on you, show. Shame on you. Another major obvious problem of Redemption Island is that it eliminates reward challenges from the mix. True, we get “duels” at Redemption Island instead, but those are never as epic as the confrontations of tribe vs. tribe we all wanted. Plus, this meant that, with one challenge combining reward and immunity throughout the game, it was a case of the rich get richer. After all, fewer team challenges is fewer chances for a tribe to gain back some momentum, all the while it’s easier for the other tribe to keep momentum. Beyond these problems, though, it should have been obvious that Redemption Island is simply unfair. Unlike something like the hidden immunity idol, which theoretically anyone can find, Redemption Island favors those who are good at individual challenges, basically saying that people who are good in this area deserve more of a shot to win, despite this NOT being what the game is about. Part of the appeal of “Survivor” is seeing that the physically strong do not necessarily survive. As an audience, we LIKE seeing the strong be overthrown in an epic blindside. But here? They’re rewarded for not playing the game well. Oh, and do you remember how I said that while I don’t think casting was intentionally done to give Boston Rob the victory, but that the producers did do things to benefit him? Well, Redemption Island is that main thing. As I said, Redemption Island favors people who are good in individual challenges. People like, oh, I don’t know, BOSTON ROB?! Yes, I’m willing to bet the producers were worried that Boston Rob or Russell (or, heaven forbid, both of them) were going to be early boots, since they were too well-known and often disliked, and wanted to be sure they’d stay around a while. So, they stuck in Redemption Island to help ensure that, if the cast didn’t rally around one of the returnees, they could still stick around. Blatant favoritism, truly the mark of a good twist! Please note the sarcasm in that sentence. Redemption Island sucked as a twist, and needs to go die in a fire.

One minor twist is that Boston Rob and Russell were randomly divided to their tribes by picking an envelope with a buff in it. Boston Rob went to Ometepe and Russell to Zapatera. Nothing much else to note there. Not a bad way to divide them up, but kind of boring. Although I will say, I’m surprised Ometepe didn’t see the twist coming, since they had three guys and five girls on their team before Boston Rob showed up. Gender imbalance should have clued them in that something was up.

Now, for all that I bash the twists of this season, the first three episodes were actually pretty good blindsides. First there was the craziness that was the Francesca boot, then there was the Matt Elrod conspiracy due to his being too friendly towards the other tribe, and finally Zapatera throwing the challenge to get rid of Russell (the best episode in the series, mind you).. Three pretty excellent blindsides, and actually a pretty good way to start off the season. Mind you, this is the ONLY good thing about Redemption Island. The chaos was fun, and it was great to see Russell finally be shown for what he really is: a horrible, single-minded player whom nobody likes. His breakdown at the beginning of episode 4 (after losing at Redemption Island) is the highlight of the season. It’s also worth noting that the tribes got to choose each time who went to watch Redemption Island duels. This part was actually kind of cool. It added a new layer to tribal politics, and allowed for the selective dissemination of certain information. Mind you, this does NOT in any way make up for the overall awfulness of Redemption Island, but at least one aspect of it wasn’t HORRIBLE.

Now, many people have said that Russell’s leaving the game was where Redemption Island got bad. I agree with them, but not, like many have said, because Russell would never have given up. His boot was the point where the season became bad because it spelled the end of the Zapateras. Think about it. Part of what was exciting about early Redemption Island was Boston Rob trying once again to lead a band of “buffoons”, but being thwarted by his tribe’s incompetence. Boston Rob is at his best and most likable when he’s playing an underdog trying to come back from the brink. Had the season continued without Zapatera throwing the challenge, but instead continuing to dominate, that’s exactly the position Boston rob would have been in. Instead, as throwing a challenge so often does, the Zapateras found themselves in a downward spiral they couldn’t control. This allowed Boston Rob to dominate the rest of the game, and make it incredibly boring.

Don’t believe me that Boston Rob’s domination was boring? Consider the fact that, after the Russell boot, there were literally NO twists until the merge. And then, do you know what the big twists were? Matt coming back into the game, granting false hope that Boston Rob might be overthrown, only to turn around and be LOYAL to the person who stabbed him in the back, and then be voted out again, and Boston Rob getting the tribe to name themselves after one of Amber Brkich’s (“Survivor The Australian Outback”) teddy bears. Whoopee. They did at least move to a new campsite, rather than go to one of the tribe’s campsites, which is rare to see, but again, not all that exciting.

This is also where Boston Rob’s infamous “Buddy System” comes into play, and it, in my opinion, is what kills the system. Basically, Boston Rob decreed that his alliance must always have at least one other person around them, to dissuade them from talking with the down-in-numbers Zapatera tribe. I’m not going to deny that this was a smart strategy. It effectively neutered any possibility of uprising against Boston Rob (not that such a thing was ever much of a threat with this group), but it also meant that the second half of the game (and even some of the first half) clearly showed that Boston Rob was the winner. there were no other options. We just had to sit there as first all of Zapatera and then the popular members of Boston Rob’s alliance were picked off one by one. Oh, there were a few surprises here and there. There was a surprise immunity challenge at Tribal Council, leading to a double Tribal Council, which mercifully shortened the inevitable Pagonging of Zapatera by one episode, and there was Ashley’s immunity winning streak near the end, forcing Rob to blindside Grant, but none of it mattered. We all knew Boston Rob was going to win the game. Even Andrea winning the final Redemption Island duel, a fairly impressive feat, didn’t matter. She just got voted out next anyway. We all knew that Boston Rob was going to win, why did anything else matter?

There is one aspect of this season, that could be called a “Twist” that I have yet to touch on. It bears mentioning, though, because for me it exemplifies a lot of where Redemption Island went wrong as a season. At the “merge” the two tribes agreed to live together under one name, but stayed two separate tribes. They had different supplies, different fires, even different shelters, with Zapatera’s being noticeably lower than Ometepe’s. This will become important shortly, I assure you. Now, this in and of itself is not too novel. After all, especially in the early days, many of the “merged” tribes were effectively this. However, this was the most blatant we’ve ever seen, and the shelter division exemplifies this. Due to difference in shelter height, Ometepe was quite literally putting Zapatera beneath them. Why is this important, you may ask? Consider the fact that psychologically, for normal human beings, it takes a lot to make us ok with killing. Army training is months long not only because of the physical demands of the job, but also because that time is needed to “train” people to be ok with killing. One of the quick and easy ways to do this is to dehumanize the enemy, to make them seem less than you. One need only look as far as war propaganda cartoons, particularly during WWII, to see this. Why do you think, in American media, the Japanese were depicted either as stooped over, backwards men with buck teeth, or even as demonic figures? It made it easier to hate them, easier to kill them. While it’s probably easier to vote someone out of “Survivor” than to kill someone, there are a lot of similarities. You’re effectively ending their “Survivor” life after all. Wouldn’t it be infinitely easier to vote someone off if you could just dismiss them as being “less”than you? And conversely, wouldn’t it be hard to protest your execution if you were told, day after day, that you were not as good as the others, that you deserve less than they did? That’s exactly what happened on Redemption Island, and nowhere is it evidence more blatantly than with the shelter division. I have said before, and I will say again, one of the smartest things Boston Rob did was to put the other tribe literally beneath his alliance. It helped secure him the game, but it also made the season incredibly boring. No one fought back, so the season was completely predictable.

Also, this is the season that got rid of the “Fallen Comrades” tribute, something I’ve never really gotten over the loss of. I’m glad it wasn’t shown in this case, since a lot of the things said were mean and hateful, but I hate that it became precedent. Yeah, it could get lame at times, since players had to comment on people they didn’t know, but I always looked on it as something not so much for the players, but for the audience to reflect on their 13-episode journey. I wish they’d bring it back.

I can’t say EVERY single twist of Redemption Island was bad. But I can say all the major ones were, and they outweigh the very few good ones by way too much.

SCORE: 2 out of 10

OVERALL

In terms of theme, Redemption Island went for a theme of, well, redemption. It took on the culture of typical Central American ruins, which wasn’t bad, but had been done before, and just didn’t stand out. As to the redemption theme, it’s a bit hard to buy when the only person who seemed to overcome anything was Boston Rob, and as I’ve said before, having one person run the entire season is not fun to watch.

It’s hard sometimes for a season with all good elements to come together. A season with bad elements? Not happening. The cast, challenges, and twists all came together in this case to create a season that was at BEST boring and predictable, and at worst downright unpleasant. Don’t get me wrong, the first few episodes are fairly exciting, but that’s barely a fourth of the season. When three quarters of your season is just utter crap, it’s not a good sign. Overall, the season does not work. Unsurprisingly, a bunch of bad aspects come together to make a bad season.

SCORE: 10 out of 40.

ABSTRACT

Redemption Island is by no means a good season. For someone looking for one season of “Survivor” that is an entertaining watch, I say skip this season and never look back. From a strategic point of view, this season is well-played, but only by one player, and this makes for a boring and predictable watch. That said, this season does sadly have a MAJOR influence on later seasons, so if you’re at all interested in seasons beyond this point, you’re going to have to watch this. Suffer through it once, then never see it again.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor Philippines” Episode 9: Paddle-Balls to the Wall

“Survivor” Medic!

Seriously, I’m having fainting spells, I’m not sure how much longer I’ll last!  I know I’m about to spoil the climax of the episode, but damn if I can’t blog without getting it off of my chest.  I’ve praised the misdirection this season by and large, but tonight I thought I had it figured out.  I was sure, despite my own personal biases, that Penner was gone, dead in the water, Skupin was his best chance, and Skupin wasn’t moving without Lisa.  We get to Tribal Council, the 4^th vote for Penner comes up, and I’m dead certain he’s gone.  There’s no way Skupin and Lisa would move independently, so the only way it swings in Penner’s favor is a 6-3 vote for Artis.  Then the last name comes up, I prepare my “Support Denise” banners, and all of a sudden, Artis comes up!  You can’t see me now, but I have a huge grin in my face.  If only to keep it longer, let us savor the sweet journey that was, in my opinion, the best episode of this season.

We start off with a lot of celebrating/complaining about Jeff Kent’s (damn, I thought I wouldn’t have to write that name again) departure.  Of particular interest is why Penner voted for Abi-Maria instead of forcing a tie.  Fan theory was that Penner had a diabolical scheme up his sleeve, which required splintering an alliance.  My theory was that he had a grudge against Jeff Kent (will he never leave this blog?), and couldn’t stand keeping him in.  The big reveal is that Penner was simply confused, and didn’t know there was a plan (despite his grandstanding at the previous Tribal Council).  Wow, loss of points on the brilliance-ometer there Penner.  Don’t worry, you’ll more than earn them back later in the episode.

Also of interest is Lisa, who took a moral bashing last episode, and previews show that she’ll continue to get one this episode.  She tries to explain herself to everyone, and Tandang seems receptive (though Abi-Maria continues to dig her own grave), but still, Lisa questions her decision.

Following commercial, Christmas comes early as Penner’s foreshadowed work on Lisa begins.  Seeming to have gotten over his case of pissed-off-itis from the night before, Penner admits that he still needs a plan in order to move forward.  His plan is to continue his work on Lisa, but hard core now.  He does this, not by strategizing, but by appealing to her emotions.  Now, some of my more frequent readers know that I normally despise this form of manipulation, feeling that it is overall weaker and less effective (not to mention somewhat less scummy) than outright strategizing.  Penner’s use of it I’m ok with for 2 reasons.  The first is that he ADMITS that it’s a strategy, as it’s the best way to get to Lisa, whereas others who use this I believe go with it on the basis that it feels less scummy than the other method.  The second is that, unlike others who appeal in vague noncommittal terms (or fake a birthday, John Cochran of “Survivor South Pacific”), Penner goes straight for the proverbial jugular, not attacking Lisa’s sense of righteousness, but her insecurities, and her insecurities from EARLY LIFE nonetheless!  What’s more, he does it in the guise of friendly advice, claiming to be the first person who understood her.  All this is sprinkled with hyperbolic praise.  “Unprecedented move”, huh? Yes Penner, as a hard core strategist, you of all people know that a person uniting a disparate group of people to form a voting block has NEVER happened before!  I know I should be appalled at Penner’s display, as most of his words a clearly not genuine, but damn it, I can’t help but be impressed with his read of people, and the overall convincing performance he gave!

Challenge?  Oh, yeah, right, I suppose there was a reward challenge this episode.  Do I really have to?  Can’t I just rhapsodize about Penner some more?

In all seriousness, this challenge does deserve a decent amount of mention, both good and bad.  For it, tribes are split into teams of two, who make their way through a muddy obstacle course one at a time, each collecting a bag of balls.  Once everyone has made it through, teams unwrap their balls (12 in all), and try to get them down a small cone.  The first team to get all 12 balls down the cone wins the right to take school supplies (though they mostly look like sports supplies to me) to a local Filipino school, and earns a feast from that school.  This seems, at first, like your average obstacle course challenge of the type I rag on normally.  However, there are two things that save this challenge from my disgust: mud and rice.  Mud is a fun element of every “Survivor” challenge.  It adds to the spills and the hilarity, it gets the castaways dirty, which is rather entertaining, and it just seems like adding insult to injury, if you’re into schadenfreud.  But mud has been done before, it’s old hat, give us something new.  Ok, how about rice? One leg of the challenge forces the castaways to dive through a trough of rice, which, of course, sticks to them and everything muddy.  Even more than mud, this is insult to injury, and it lends this challenge a unique twist that I rather like.  Top it all off with a good bit of strategy by Penner (which I’ll get to in a minute), and you have a decent, solid challenge.

Though really, does it HAVE to be a team challenge?  Would it kill you to let a free-for-all happen, and force people to make choices about who to bring on reward?

Back to Penner (you’ll find that I do that a lot this blog), he finds himself on a team with Malcolm, Denise, and Carter, going up against Skupin, Lisa, Pete, and Artis, with Abi-Maria not picked (there’s a shock, I’m amazed Probst didn’t lampshade it) and therefore ineligible for reward.  The teams are fairly evenly matched, with Penner’s team having a slight edge in my opinion, but Penner takes no chances.  He loses time on his leg to search around in the mud for all 4 bags and bring them to the surface, thus saving time in the long run.  It’s a good strategy, and helps his team to an admittedly quite narrow victory given the circumstances.

Penner’s team goes on reward, and as always they enjoy the food and hobnobbing with the locals, which at least one person must say is a “life changing experience”.  Malcolm is this year’s winner in that department, at least.  Not one to let a good situation go to waste, however, Penner takes time out to strategize with his fellow reward members, correctly pointing out that they’re on the bottom, and ought to stick together.  The consensus is that Lisa and Skupin are the way to go, and things seem set up for a flip from Lisa.

Oddly enough, Tandang seems to agree with the plan, as they’re doing all that they can to convince Lisa to betray them.  Well, at least Abi-Maria seems to be.  Pete says that he hoped that this would be a bonding time for Tandang, a reaffirmation of their alliance, and return to the fold for those on the outside.  Continually, Pete forgets that he’s aligned with Abi-Maria, who proceeds to badmouth Lisa for her perceived “gullibility”.  Even Artis admits this is a bad idea, and when ARTIS thinks what you’re doing is insane, you know there’s trouble.  What makes it even worse is that Lisa HERSELF, the person most likely to flip, wanted to go along with Pete and co., was perfectly willing to follow along with the plan, and you go and alienate her for no reason!  I’ve run out of metaphors for stupidity at this point, just make one up.

Heading back to camp after commercial, we’re greeted with the return of the effective “Kalabaw 4” from reward, and as you’d expect, they’re greeted…  oh, wait, I guess nothing happened at camp, as it’s CHALLENGE TIME (boy that came fast)!  And the immunity challenge is nothing short of sadistic.  Castaways roll balls down a long paddle, trying to get them into one of 6 notches carved into the paddle.  The first to have all 6 balls sitting on the paddle wins.  Dear Lord, this challenge is difficult.  First of all, it not only requires balance, but also coordination with balance, something very rare, and almost never practiced.  Furthermore, those notches aren’t big, they just barely fit each ball, so while the first ball might not be too bad, it’s downright Herculean to get the other 5 in there without dislodging another ball (as Pete so aptly demonstrated).  It’s like a challenge off of Wii Fit, if Wii Fit had a cruel streak.

In an ironic twist, the man who left the game because of his hands is now kept in the game because of them.  Skupin wins, which would normally be Penner’s death knell, but he’s not one to just roll over and die.  He continues his work on Lisa, taking a slightly different emotional tack this time, one that I’m sure has come up in many a strategy discussion, but has never been shown so blatantly on screen.

Penner asks her how she wants to be perceived in editing.

I’ve always said that these people realize that they’re on a tv show to some degree, no matter how long they stay on, and are, to some degree, thinking about how they’d like to be shown.  I think that, of late, it’s what has led people to avoiding a lot of good strategic moves, as they don’t want to look like scum to the national public.  It also makes sense that the producers don’t want this sort of discussion shown, as it ruins some of the illusion of “reality” on the show, and can blatantly reveal what the editors are trying to do in some cases.  Still, I doubt Penner’s argument is original, but it is a good one.  He tells Lisa that however things turn out, she’ll be perceived as a likeable, loyal underdog, but that the public will dislike her for keeping the “evil” threesome of Artis, Abi-Maria, and Pete in the game.

What’s scary is the man’s ability to predict the public.  That’s pretty much exactly the fan reaction to Lisa.

Meanwhile, the rest of Penner’s alliance (in what I first thought was a conspiracy to turn on him) decided to shift the vote to Artis, as he’s unlikely to play Abi-Maria’s immunity idol.  A bit of unnecessary strategizing, given the confidence of the alliance, but certainly sound reasoning, and any one of the threesome is better than one of the Kalabaw 4.

Penner’s taking no chances, though, and also works the immunity-given Skupin to try and vote off Artis.  Penner works a bit more blatantly, offering Skupin a full-on alliance.  Skupin likes what he hears, but won’t move against Lisa.  So, after some discussion in the water, it’s off to Tribal Council, where Abi-Maria once again digs her own passive-aggressive grave.  And from here on out you know the story.  Like I said, I thought for sure Penner was gone (very glad that he’s not, though), and I even had my “MORONS” megaphone ready to chastise the editors for slipping up on misdirection, when, in fact, it was one of the best bits of misdirection EVER in my opinion.

So, where does this leave us?  With a big question mark, that’s where.  Skupin, despite his interviews, moved against Lisa, and voted with the Kalabaw 4, apparently for good.  This leads to one of two conclusions.  Either Skupin has freed himself of Lisa (which I find unlikely) or Lisa told him to vote against Artis, allowing her to look like a good guy, but still eliminate Artis.  A shrewd move on Lisa’s part, if that’s the case, but not a smart one.  She moves from a solid 5 where she’s guaranteed victory at the end to a not solid 6 where likeability is pretty much even.

Still, this could lead to a short Pagonging of the old Tandang loyalists, which could make the next few episodes boring.  Given the drama that Abi-Maria’s existence causes, though, I kind of doubt it.

What I don’t doubt is that tonight’s episode merited another:

TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5

The theme, as you might guess, is blindsides, and for once, I’m going purely subjective, my own opinions (primarily based on predictability) of what the best blindsides are.  I may do a more objective list at some point, to talk about the blindsides that had the most impact on the game, but that’s not this list.  Also, as there’s no such thing as a “bad” blindside in my objective opinion, I’ll be using it to list the top 5 missed opportunities for blindsides.  One note of clarification on this: the name I list for the bottom 5 is the person who ACTUALLY got voted off, not the person who should have been blindsided.  Now then, on to the list.

Top 5

5. Deena Bennett (“Survivor The Amazon”): Where better to start than with a blindside by the king of blindsides, Rob Cesternino.  While Rob had already perfected this with the boot of the aptly-named Roger Sexton, Deena’s was in my opinion the most unexpected, as well as Rob’s biggest power play.  It gains the lowest slot I can give only because the editing made it seem like it was coming, so a bit of predictability.  Overall, though, an exciting boot for an exciting episode.

4. Artis Silvester (“Survivor Philippines”): So what if it might be the afterglow of Penner’s continued tenure in the game, my list, my choice!  Admittedly, I did put this one down low because I’m not sure how I’ll feel about this blindside compared to others come tomorrow, but at the moment, they pulled the wool over my eyes, made an exciting episode, and earned the #4 slot.

3. John Carroll (“Survivor Marquesas”): It’s not so much that you thought John Carroll would never be voted off.  He was in a leadership position (always precarious), a physical threat, and somewhat cocky.  No, this one you just thought the alliance for it would never come together.  Neleh and Paschal were too far ensconced in the Rotu 4 alliance to dare flip, especially with loose cannon Sean, and yet they did, making for the first “bottom of the totem pole” shake-up in “Survivor” history, and one hell of a blindside.

2. Leann Slaby (“Survivor Vanuatu”): I know I said that overall impact on the game wouldn’t be considered, but this is the exception.  This is the vote that saved Chris’ game and won him a million dollars.  I justify this bending of the rules by pointing out that I did not expect Chris to pull off any sort of a win, given how many women were left, so I’d call it an unexpected and fun blindside.

1. Erik Reichenbach (“Survivor Micronesia”): A fun and deserved blindside.  Never.  I never thought someone would be du enough to give up immunity to a majority alliance.  You proved me wrong, good sir.  Thanks for making the end of the season entertaining!

Honorable Mention: Gretchen Cordy (“Survivor Borneo”): I’ve mentioned before that I watched the seasons out of order, so “Survivor Borneo” was not my first and consequently lost a lot of it’s impact for me.  Still, a lot has to be said for the first real “blindside” of “Survivor”, ever.  You could argue, I suppose, that Stacey or Joel were technically first, but in both cases, you kind of saw it coming.  Gretchen was the first real surprise, and it caused a storm of controversy when it aired.  It must at least be acknowledged, even if it didn’t surprise me.

 

Bottom 5

5. Jenna Lewis (“Survivor Borneo”): Sticking to the land of Borneo, we have our first missed opportunity.  While there was never really a chance to overtake the Tagi alliance from this season, as Pagong was just too disorganized, they did have a shot with their “Barbeque Alliance”.  The Tagi alliance was fragmenting (with Kelly Wiglesworth defecting for a vote), and newly united Pagong front.  That is until Sean Kenniff got moral, voted for Jenna, and in doing so sealed the rest of the Pagong’s fate.

4. Stephenie LaGrossa (“Survivor Palau”): Again, given the amount Tom Westman and Ian Rosenberger won immunity, this was a very slim chance, but deserves mentioning.  The women couldn’t compete on any level with either alpha male, the only way they could WIN in the end was a woman’s alliance.  However, it broke up because, according to Katie “Caryn sucks”.  Mature Katie.  Real mature.  No wonder you lost.

3. Kelly Goldsmith (“Survivor Africa”): Much like Pagong, the Samburu tribe was at a disadvantage, ready to be picked off come the merge.  Unlike Pagong, however, Samburu was much more prepared strategically, and it helped that the old Boran had a few cracks in it.  And while this vote did end up going for a Boran member, it permanently splintered the Samburu, leading to their destruction and a missed opportunity for power.

2. Alicia Calaway (“Survivor The Australian Outback”): While Alicia originally hails from the outback, this goes out her boot in “Survivor All-Stars”.  Once it became clear that a Pagonging of Mogo Mogo would not go smoothly due to Shii-Ann Huang’s winning immunity, people should have ganged up on Boston Rob.  Although he didn’t win, he was the guy to beat, and yet no one made a move to better themselves.  Shii-Ann put it best by calling them “Stupid, stupid people.”

1. Amanda Kimmel (“Survivor China”): This goes for the one time she was actually voted out, in “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains”.  DAMMIT, CANDICE, YOU COULD HAVE GOT RID OF RUSSELL FUCKING HANTZ, PUT YOURSELF IN A POWER POSITION, AND YET YOU DIDN’T!  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

Honorable Mention: Mike Chiesl (“Survivor Redemption Island”): More of a placeholder for any vote post-merge this season.  Ometepe, like on “Survivor All-Stars” just couldn’t bring themselves to vote off their biggest competition, and payed a rightful price.  They’re not on the list proper only because I can’t think of a specific vote that could have changed the game.  For all my criticisms, Boston Rob did keep a good, tight grip on the tribe that season.

Well, that’s it and I’m bushed.  Looking forward to the next episode!

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor Philippines” Episode 6: Sign on the Dotted Line

“Survivor” universe, if, in my writings, I’ve done something to greatly offend you, or set you against me in any way, I apologize.  I’m not sure what I could have done.  For all my jokes, for all my criticisms, I do have the utmost respect for you, which I try to show in every possible way.  So why is it, whenever I praise anything about you, you must then go and completely reverse that praise in the next episode?

I’m talking of course about the challenges, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  Our episode starts at Kalabaw, where we get usual complaining about Tribal Council.  Katie is particularly vocal, which is understandable.  She is, after all, bottom of the pecking order.  She’s next to go, unless she does something about it.  Most pageant girls on the show would try to flirt their way out of this situation, or else be falsely optimistic about their chances.  I’ll give Katie credit that she sets herself apart from these others by actively and vocally arguing for her right to stay.  Specifically, she argues to Denise that Penner is far too large a threat to take to the merge, and they should cut him off before he gets them.  Fairly typical of your average strategist, but hardly a bad start to the show.

Do we get Denise’s take on this?  Of course not, that would be far too interesting!

It seems that discord not only exists at Kalabaw.  In an odd parallel to “Survivor The Australian Outback” (odd because Skupin was evacuated at that point), Tandang is running low on rice, having eaten too much of it beforehand.  Most attribute this to Mike snacking on uncooked rice (evidently, one never stops being a “student of nutrition”), and roundly bash him for it.  Still, this makes the stakes of the upcoming reward challenge all the more important for Tandang.  Tribes compete for a day away from camp with sandwiches and chips.  Not a rich feast by modern standards, but probably a five-course smorgasboard to the starving.

The challenge, sadly, does not reflect the reward in terms of goodness.  Yes, no sooner have I praised this season for having original challenges, then they go and give us a rehashed challenge.  This one comes to us courtesy of “Survivor China”.  A giant ball is placed in the middle of a mud pit, and tribes race to push the ball into their goal.  Each goal is worth one point, first tribe to hit 3 points wins reward.  While not the worst challenge to draw from (and, unlike the immunity challenge, hasn’t been done several times before), I have to say, I prefer the China iteration.  For one thing, that challenge had not one, but two, balls, released in a very epic manner, as opposed to one ball just sitting there.  This leant an element of strategy that seemed to be lacking in this challenge.  Furthermore, I prefer the aesthetic in the China version.  The balls and goals were actually interesting, whereas the goals in this one were little more than colored sticks, and the ball looked like a colored version of the world’s biggest rubber band ball (which I believe is in Kansas.  Hey Probst!  Start plugging it!).

Fortunately, even a recycled challenge can be given a new shine by the right player and circumstances.  Penner is the right player, and this challenge is the right circumstance.  In the first round, Kalabaw and Tandang reach a stalemate (Kalabaw having the edge initially, but wearing out over time), leading to what I believe is the first time lapse in a non-endurance challenge (at least within a round).  The two stick it out for an hour, each trying various tactics to move the ball.  Penner even goes between Skupin’s legs to try and get the ball.  Finally, with everyone exhausted, Penner does something that is, actually unprecedented.  He makes the “Next Time On…” teaser actually correct!

No, seriously, Loan Shark Penner proposes that wearing each other out is wasted energy, and draws up a contract that says Tandang gets all of Kalabaw’s rice, but Kalabaw wins the reward challenge.  There’s a lot of back and forth, and dissent on both sides.  Skupin wants to agree with the deal, while Artis is vehemently against it.  Meanwhile, Carter expresses Kalabaw’s doubts, but Jeff Kent seems on board.  Ultimately, the returnees get their way, Kalabaw wins reward, and Tnadang makes up some of their rice deficit.  I have to admit, this made the challenge much more interesting, and I give Penner credit for trying something new.  It is my duty to point out, though, that the deal he made was really STUPID!  You don’t get much of a satisfaction in the victory, and while the food will give you energy in the short run, in the long run, it’s going to be harder to get food, you’ll lose energy, and be the worse for wear.

Several people on Kalabaw seem to figure this out over the reward, but it doesn’t seem to get them down, which is a good sign.  Often in this game, morale can play a bigger role than actual physical energy.  If that’s the case, then Tandang is in trouble, because even getting more rice, they find reason to complain.  Artis wishes he could be included in the decision, while Abi-Maria is muffed that their rice has only doubled, not tripled or quadrupled.  I will say that that is the one benefit for Kalabaw in the deal: they didn’t have more rice than Tandang to begin with.  Ok, Abi-Maria, I know your hopes were high, but this way you’re twice as far from starvation, be happy with THAT!

Kalabaw’s boast that they could fish for energy is put to the test the next morning, when Penner tries his hand.  He takes a few unsuccessful stabs at a stingray, before it flees.  Penner heads out to the ocean to try for regular fish, while his tribe rightly laments their lack of rice.  In a very funny moment, dramatic music plays over shots of Penner and large schools of fish.  Penner comes back… with two guppies… which they don’t even bother to cook.  Yeah, I’d rethink that boast, Penner.  Seriously man, what is wrong with your game, you’re making gaffe after gaffe!

Challenge Time!  And of course, it’s a challenge that’s been recycled several times over.  Two tribe members (one from each tribe) simultaneously launch a ball to 4 other members with nets waiting in a field.  Each ball caught is a point, first to five points wins.  This challenge has experienced a number of small rule changes over the years, but the base template has been in place since “Survivor Thailand”.  Again, like the reward challenge this episode, it’s not a bad challenge in and of itself, but the aesthetic for this one is equally boring, and I’m just tired of seeing it.

The one thing this challenge has going for it is that it’s closer than most, though Tandang manages to score a narrow victory, largely due to Malcolm.  So the game is on back at Kalabaw, and, as Katie has performed the most pathetically overall, and she’s on the outside, she seems a dead certainty to leave.  You’d think our misdirection would come from Katie’s continued efforts to oust Penner, but surprisingly, it’s Jeff Kent who proves to be the catalyst.  He informs us that his mind still isn’t made up about whether or not to trust Penner, despite having gone against his original plan and aligned with Penner.  Dude, before you were going on about how a five-finger handshake meant so much to you, now you’re saying it doesn’t matter, make up your mind.  Carter is willing to go along with the plan, but isn’t fully on board.  Get your history books ready because not only does Carter speak, but he actually says something intelligent to boot!  He talks about how getting rid of Penner is a bad idea, which makes sense.  While I admit that trust is an issue in this game, Penner hasn’t played much of a conniver this game, plus he’s more physical, and has the idol.  The idol could be seen as a problem, rather than an asset, but at this point, the odds are on that Kalabaw will be down in numbers come the merge (they’d need to not lose another immunity challenge, and merge at 8 at the earliest), the idol is a handy card to have to try and change your situation.

Of course, my pipe dreams can’t last.  Carter undoes his smarts, by asking Penner who he wants to vote out, Katie or Penner.  Penner doesn’t jump all over them, instead quietly pressuring the two to reconsider.  After doing a quick cover up in front of Katie (which I thought was good, but she sees through), Katie then gets to work on Jeff and Carter, trying to sway them her way.  Again, good for her taking her fate into her own hands, but my odds are still on her leaving tonight

Tribal Council is your standard affair, so I won’t go into the specifics.  I will give props, though, that it did get me tense about who was going home, no small feat.  My predictions turn out true, though, and Katie goes home.  While I won’t miss her too desperately, I also don’t hate her like I do some early boots, and so allow her to respectfully leave.

While this episode is probably the weakest of the season, do I hate it?  Actually, no.  While it was predictable at points, it did get me excited and uncertain for the results, and was stronger as a whole than a lot of what we’ve been getting these past few seasons.  Still, let’s hope that next week sets the bar back up to normal for what is so far an otherwise great season.

Still, I feel that I haven’t given you your expected content for this week, and I also feel that I need to address a debate.  After the disbanding of Matsing last week, people have been debating whether or not Matsing is the most pathetic tribe to ever be in the game.  As such, I will weigh in with my trademark:

 

TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5

Today’s topic, as you might guess, is pathetic tribes.  I will say that for me, the patheticness of a tribe is not based so much in the amount of challenges lost, but in how much the tribe bands together through hardship.  To me, a tribe that wins a lot and breaks down is a lot more pathetic than a tribe that loses a lot and sticks together (I’m looking at you, Foa Foa of “Survivor Samoa”).  As such, Matsing will not appear on this list anywhere, as Malcolm and Denise are still loyal to each other, as far as I can tell.  As a final note of clarification, I’ll say that the “Top” section is that of tribes I consider most pathetic, and the “Bottom” section the one’s that stuck together the most.  Now, without further ado, here’s your list!

 

TOP 5

5. Sook Jai, “Survivor Thailand”: This one might seem an odd choice, given that they were a challenge dominator early on their season, and also stuck together post-merge.  I justify this, partly by putting them at the bottom of the list, and by a certain statistic I happen to know: Sook Jai holds the record for the longest stretch of tribe members voted out, with 7 out of 8 members going over a stretch of 25 days.  That’s pretty pathetic.  Moreover, this streak could have been avoided had they not thrown a challenge just to be rid of someone annoying, and throwing a challenge for no adequate reason is a good way to land you on this list (hint, hint).

4. Samburu, “Survivor Africa”: Probably the original dysfunctional family of “Survivor”, Samburru was plagued early on by a very stark division between the young and the old, (and, in the case of Brandon and Frank, the homosexual and the homophobe), and could not get over infighting that led to their destruction come the switching of tribes.  Even worse, when Boran started to cannibalize itself post merge, they couldn’t pull together to take their revenge.  I go into detail on this in my “Survivor Africa” retrospective, so I won’t say any more here, but I think my point is clear.

3. Fang, “Survivor Gabon”: Staying on the continent of Africa, we find the Fang tribe.  Much though Ken Hoang is one of my favorite castaways ever, this tribe just had a bad start.  They had no direction, no drive, a ton of quitters and pathetic players, and are generally considered a train wreck of a tribe overall.  Surprisingly, in terms of original members, Fang won a majority overall come the merge.  Even then, they just couldn’t get along, with Bob Crowley, the only person to stay purely Kota the entire time, taking home the victory.

2. Manono, “Survivor One World”: A lot of this is retrospect, but much like Fang, the Manono men were never really united, and quite ready to cannibalize each other, even at the expense of a whole game strategy.  And lest we forget, this is the tribe that gave us Colton, who, like Sook Jai, forced a vote for no adequate reason.  I consider this case worse because, whereas Sook Jai just had a case of COLLECTIVE stupidity, Colton FORCED his stupidity on the entire tribe.  I’m not sure exactly WHY that’s worse, but it is.

1. Ulong, “Survivor Palau”: Yeah, you all saw this coming.  While you can debate the merits of tribe victory vs. tribe unity, there’s no denying that, whatever measure you use, Ulong still comes out behing.  They are the second-losingest tribe in the history of the show, winning only three challenges.  Like Fang, they could not get their act together, refusing to choose a leader or take any sort of direction.  Ask anyone, they’ll tell you that it was disunity that led to Ulong’s destruction, and to their number 1 spot on this list.

Honorable Mention: Ravu, “Suvivor Fiji”: To appease all those who want number of challenge losses to play a bigger part in this list, I give you what I consider to be the losingest tribe in “Survivor” history, winning only one challenge of over a dozen.  While technically Matsing lost more challenges, they also participated in fewer, which in my book dilutes their losses.  Now, Ravu didn’t exactly stick together as a unit, but I can’t really say that they were dysfunctional due to the success of power couple Earl and Yau-Man, as well as the fact that tribes were too thoroughly shuffled to lead to clear distinctions between tribes.

 

BOTTOM 5

 

5. Casaya, “Survivor Exile Island”: While Shane’s boast that they’d be the “first tribe to stick together through to the end” is a bit overdramatic and optimistic, it cannot be denied that, while Casaya had a fair amount of infighting, they stuck together through and through, even in the face of interpersonal conflicts.  I put them so low only because I wonder what would have happened had not Terry gone on his winning streak.  This might have gotten kingpin Aras voted out, and changed the entire game.  Moreover, there were several subplots within the tribe that might have blossomed had it not been for, again, Terry’s winning streak.

4. Chapera, “Survivor All-Stars”: The Mogo Mogo tribe’s frustration at their inability to break the Chapera alliance says it all.  While some might call this tribe a dictatorship, and thereby discount it, it cannot be denied that all member of Chapera stuck together, even to their undoing.  Even Boston Rob was screwed over, due to his loyalty to Amber.

3. Aitu, “Survivor Cook Islands”: If fire represents one’s life in the game, then fire-forged friends must be the best kind for the show.  Aitu was unfortunately t in a bad situation, where two tribe members defected, leaving them at only 4 members. Most would have slumped over and cried, but Aitu, bravely, forged onward, and not only stuck together through everything, but came back to take home victory.  That, plus a winning streak towards the end of the tribe challenges, earns them this number 3 spot.

2. Koror, “Survivor Palau”: I promise this will be the only repeat season.  Much like Chapera, this was a tribe, run by an alpha male, that had every opportunity to take him out, and thus ensure their own victory, yet never did.  Moreover, if you want to go by challenges won, they’re far and away the winningest tribe (Moto of “Survivor Fiji” excluded), and did so at a physical DISADVANTAGE.  Whatever I say about Palau, the awesomeness of the Koror tribe cannot be discounted.

1. Kucha, “Survivor The Australian Outback”: Yet another example of “fire-forged friends”.  I think this is the only time in “Survivor” history, post-merge, that a tribe has never once gone against another member, even to save their own skin.  This can be due to the aforementioned fire, specifically the one Mike Skupin fell into.  His last wish before he left was for Kucha to stick together, and they took his words to heart.  So, for such loyalty, Kucha is the least pathetic tribe to ever appear on the show.  Now, watch Mike Skupin brag about it for the next 12 years.

Honorable Mention: Ometepe, “Survivor Redemption Island”: Sort of along the same lines as Chapera (even with the same dictator), but this one I feel would really have fallen apart if not tightly controlled.  Plus, I don’t like saying good things about “Survivor Redemption Island”.  What an awful, awful season.

Well there you have it, enough content to last you the week!  Hope you enjoyed it, and see you next time!

-Matt

Idol Speculation: “Survivor One World” Episode 6: Ends Do Not Justify the Means

As I write this blog, I gaze over my drying rack, where all 20 of my “Survivor” buffs are hung out to dry.  I can’t help but reflect on how, even 24 seasons in, this game can still create a dilemma in me.

What is that dilemma?  Let’s find out.

Our episode begins, predictably, with Colton badmouthing someone for absolutely no reason.  In this case, to no one’s surprise, it’s Christina, whom Colton believes to be pathetic and not worthy of a spot on the tribe.  It’s a bit of a shame, but then again, it’s Colton.  Alicia also jumps on the hate bandwagon, going to the point of refusing Christina shelter room when she tries to get in.

Now, I admit, this move is very mean-spirited, but I can’t deny that it’s good strategy.  Psychologically speaking, it’s hard to get humans to wage war or to kill other humans (something “Survivor” effectively does, even if the killing is not literal.  This is not The Hunger Games.)  It takes intense conditioning in order to get someone to reach that point, not the least step of which is dehumanizing the enemy, making them seem less than yourself.  This is basically what Alicia tries to do, make Christina seem like less than the tribe by forcing her to sleep out in the rain.  A vile tactic, to be sure, but an effective one.  I can’t help but think back to the most blatant example of this is “Survivor” history.  When the Murlonio Tribe (“Survivor Redemption Island”) was formed, the two tribes effectively stayed separate, to the point of building two adjoining shelters.  You will notice, however, that Zapatera (the tribe in the minority) had their shelter much lower to the ground than Ometepe.  This very blatantly demonstrates this principle, as it put Zapatera literally beneath Ometepe, making it much harder for Ometepe to make friends outside the tribe, and much easier to vote off the Zapaterans.

Thankfully, Christina has more brains than the Zapatera tribe, and does not simply lie down and accept this (the way to affirm the belief that one is lower than another), but asserts that she’s a part of the tribe and thereby deserves a part of the shelter.  Alicia threatens to hit her, but as this would immediately eject Alicia, she wisely decides to let the matter drop, though not before grumbling about it.  It could be argued that it’s a bit bad for Christina to make waves, as she’s on the outs to begin with, but I’d argue that she can’t really do anything worse, so she might as well go for it.

Following our continued lack of an intro (though they did lengthen it by a few seconds, possibly an attempt at appeasement) we head over to Salani, or should I say “The place where entertainment goes to die”.  Now, I have nothing against the people on Salani, I’ve already expressed my support for Kim, but they really just don’t have anything interesting to say.  The most we get is Kat having some dream about being in a shopping mall (something she doubtless thinks about all the time), and then being killed by Alicia (something I would certainly have on my mind a lot out there).  I’d like to talk about my reaction to this dream, but I’m having a bit of an adjective freeze.  The most I can say is “Why is this important?”

Evidently it’s not very important, because it’s CHALLENGE TIME!  And yes, the reason the reward challenge gets the label is because there was no immunity challenge today.  We’re teased up by a very vague tree mail talking about how this was a game you could play in your own backyard, which, as Salani demonstrates, could be a variety of games (incidentally, I did enjoy Mike’s suggestion of croquet, and I’d be interested to see how John Kirhoffer’s team modified it for “Survivor”).  However, it turns out to be a challenge in which tribes bounce coconuts off of a trampoline in an attempt to break 5 targets.  First to break all their targets wins ice cream (doubtless a valuable commodity so near the equator).  It’s an interesting challenge, as it’s not so much about physical strength and more about how well you learn, as well as your aim.  It seems like the sort of challenge that Bob Crowley (“Survivor Gabon”) would have aced.  So, it’s an original, good challenge, I have just one question: WHAT BACKYARD GAME IS THIS BASED ON?  Now, I freely admit I’m not an outdoorsy person, but I’ve played a lot of odd games outside (Quidditch for instance) and I haven’t seen anything like this.  If someone knows what game this is based on, please, let me know.

Probably the most exciting thing about this challenge is that it’s not a blowout like the past two challenges have been.  Both tribes do equally poorly, though TarZAN does surprise us with unprecedented skill at throwing a coconut onto a trampoline.  Even Kat eventually learns how not to hit the edge of the trampoline.  Salani goes off with a narrow victory, while Manono (and by Manono I mean Colton) gripes about how Christina wasn’t pulling her weight in the challenge and can’t wait to get rid of her.  Now, I admit, Christina didn’t do much in that challenge, but, Colton, I have a message for you: NEITHER DID YOU!  Just because she can’t run as fast doesn’t mean that she’s not giving it an effort.  She chucked those coconuts like the rest of you.

Back at the entertainment graveyard, we see Salani exclaiming over how good their ice cream is.  They did win a reward, so they’re perfectly entitled to their victory celebration, but it just isn’t that entertaining.  The only semi-memorable part is when Sabrina exclaims that she “Expects Ashton Kutcher to come out and say ‘You got Punk’d’!”  Go right ahead with that, Sabrina, I’m sure that reference will never become dated.

Manono, unpleasant though it is, at least provides some entertainment.  Unfortunately, it’s just more of Colton complaining about Christina, telling her the bloody obvious and advising her to jump in the fire, or wait to be voted off.  I know that “Go die in a fire.” is a popular college expression, but it’s usually either done sarcastically or to an inanimate object.  Also, it just sounds so mean-spirited coming from Colton.  Then again “I love you so much.” could sound mean-spirited coming from Colton.  Christina, to her credit, does not break down and weathers the attack well.

Wait a minute, what’s this, someone on Manono is actually demonstrating good, entertaining strategy?!  Perhaps the Mayans were right after all.  No, Christina is just gaining some points with me by not accepting her situation and trying to bargain her way into an alliance with Leif and Jonas, probably the only people she sees as being willing to flip flop (she’s correct).  Although I admire her for this, I think that it’s futile, that she has nothing to bargain with and Colton has Jonas wrapped around his thumb.  But then I get to listening to Christina’s arguments: she’s on the outside of the women‘s alliance, but Alicia is allied with the women.  In a numbers game, it’s good to keep the unaligned person, and take out a member of the opposing alliance.  And then I think “Wow, she’s actually got a point.  It WOULD be more beneficial to keep Christina around, not the least because it helps take away some of Colton’s power.”  Given the aptitude that Leif and Jonas have shown when a golden opportunity is waved in front of their faces, I expect them to reject Christina outright, but I get another pleasant surprise.  Both of them take the thought under consideration.  Welcome to “Survivor” guys!  It may not be too late for you to learn to play yet!

The only flaw in this is that while Christina was speaking, Alicia comes up behind her.  Alicia gets on Christina’s case for talking strategy so blatantly, but to be fair Alicia, you and Colton just did the exact same thing a minute ago, so you have no right to complain.  Given that this is Alicia we’re dealing with, this quickly devolves into pointless bickering, and the producers mercifully cut to commercial.

Evening at Manono brings new challenges, specifically a headache for Colton.  And who does he turn to for help?  CHRISTINA.

Well, there it goes.  The Hypocrisy-meter just broke.  Congratulations, Colton, you just busted through Russell Hantz levels!  Colton, just to complete the hypocrisy, turns around and says how Christina was only comforting him for strategy, while Christina claims she just wants to be nice.  I think they’re both right.  While I can’t deny that strategy is a big part of it for Christina, I do believe that a small part of her genuinely wanted to help Colton.  In an attempt to rid Colton of the headache, Christina massages his forehead. Apparantly she studied that the Cao Boi (“Survivor Cook Islands”) school of headache relief (now accepting applications for summer internships)

Morning transitions in with Jonas and TarZAN using a long piece of wood to knock down round fruit.  For decency’s sake, I will spare you the obvious sexual metaphor.  At this point, in all honesty, I thought that the producers were trying to fake us out.  Colton’s headache would just turn out to be dehydration and him whining, not the well-publicized injury we were promised this week.  I was quite surprised, then, to find out that Colton’s headache hadn’t healed overnight, and the guy was still feeling sick.  When he lies down on the way to use the bathroom, his tribe sees fit to call for medical, and I can’t help but feel that castaways are getting just a bit too jumpy with calling for medical.  Colton was still conscious, and even Boston Rob (“Survivor Marquesas”) had to flat out collapse before medical was called.

Either way, medical arrives swiftly with Jeff Probst in tow.  I’m sure they regret this, however, as he insists upon pestering the doctors at every step to explain in detail why they’re doing what they’re doing.  Probst, I know the audience needs to understand the situation, but let the doctors do their jobs.  We’d be satisfied by just an after-examination summary.

It turns out to be a good thing that medical was called, because Colton does not just have a severe case of dehydration, but appendicitis (something that will give us much fun at Kat’s expense later), and needs to be evacuated immediately for surgery.  Colton takes it about as well as can be expected, by which I mean he gets upset, as nearly every Survivor does.  Even Russell Swan (“Survivor Samoa”), dehydrated as he was, tried to bodily resist leaving.

Now remember my dilemma I alluded to earlier?  Well, as you probably guessed, this is it.  For the past several episodes, I’ve been ranting about Colton, how annoying he is, how badly he’s playing the game, how I couldn’t wait to see him go.  Now I’ve got my wish, and I find myself feeling sorry for him.  I think Jonas put it best, saying that when you put yourself in Colton’s shoes, you can understand how unsatisfying it is to leave this way.  And he’s right.  I understand that you need to take contestants away if they need medical help, but it still just seems like a terrible, unsatisfying way to go.  Even scumbags deserve the chance to go out with a bang.  If anything, it’s better they go out with a bang, so as we get the entertainment of seeing everything blow up in their faces.  Essentially what’s happened here is Colton’s been made a martyr, as are all people who are medivaced.  Take probably the most famous injured castaway, Mike Skupin (“Survivor The Australian Outback”).  Reaction to Mike was mixed early on.  You either thought he was the only one on Kucha with any sense, or you thought he was crazy for paying so little attention to the social aspect of things.  But no one would dare mention the craziness nowadays (and to be fair, anyone these days who tries to chase after a wild pig and uses it’s blood as war paint is a little crazy) because it would be an insult to him, given the manner of his leaving.  The same will probably be true in Colton’s case.

However, the manner of his leaving does not undo his actions over the past 17 days.  He was an evil, selfish, egotistical jerk to a lot of people, said very hurtful things, and while he did not play the dumbest game I’ve ever seen, he still played a pretty stupid game.  Just because he got medivaced does not give him a free pass on these things.  Hence my dilemma.  I’m sorry for the manner of his leaving, but I’m not sorry that he’s gone.  I am happy that he got treatment for his appendix, and I would not want to see him dead, but I’m still not sorry he’s gone.

One interesting aspect of Colton’s leaving is the idol in his possession.  Someone being medically removed with an idol is unprecedented (I’m a bit surprised he didn’t give it to Probst to try and save himself), and I was curious as to what would happen.  It turns out it’s Colton’s choice, and he chooses to keep the idol as a souvenir.  Now, many people criticize this decision, not the least of whom is Alicia, who feels Colton should have given the idol to her.  For once, however, I will defend Colton’s actions.  If Colton had given up immunity, it would have splintered the tribe.  You’ll recall that he was playing both sides, and the other guys did not know the strength of his alliance with Alicia.  Giving up immunity would have served only to splinter the tribe, something they cannot afford right now.  Also, it does make a darn good souvenir.

For my money, however, I’d have followed the precedent for when someone is voted out with an idol in their possession: confiscate and re-hide it.  That way there’s no revelation of alliances, and the idol remains in play.  Oh well, I suppose they didn’t want to traumatize Colton too much.

An additional benefit of Colton’s departure is that Jonas finally starts to recover from all the Colton-Juana he’s been smoking, and his brain is recovering quickly.  He now realizes that this is HIS chance for power, and is ready to wheel and deal to make it happen.  Jonas, come on over, you’re back in my good books!  I’m still rooting for Kim, mind, but you’re finally starting to get it.

Both tribes receive mysterious tree mail telling them to head to tribal council, but not explaining why.  This should just be a simple “Talk about Colton” affair, but the tree mail is vague enough to spread paranoia amongst the castaways as to what could happen.  Surprisingly, Manono is the most paranoid, with Alicia scrambling and tribe split between Jonas and Christina on one side and Alicia and TarZAN on the other, with Leif in the middle.  I say surprisingly because, unlike Salani, they KNOW that someone left, and that it’s the probable cause of the tribal council.  Oh well, I guess last week’s title was more appropriate than I thought.

Also, TarZAN tells Christina that he likes everyone on the tribe but her.  He’s polite about it, telling her he thinks she’ll be successful, but he doesn’t like her.  Way to win yourself votes, TarZAN.

Off to a twelve person tribal where SURPRISE, it’s to talk about Colton.  Only two things of import are said here.  The first is that Alicia reveals that Colton took the idol with him, and I have to ask, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?  The threat of an idol is almost as powerful as an idol, so why not let them believe you have it, and keep the paranoia up?  I suppose it did spread paranoia, so it does have SOME benefit, but for my money, I’d have kept it quiet, then later played like I had it so as to trick my opponents into voting a certain way.  The other thing is that we learn that Kat doesn’t know what an appendix is.  Ok, there’s only so much stupidity that can be contained in one person, this HAS to be an act.  I can understand a person being a little flighty, a little ditzy, a little shallow and materialistic, but how have you NEVER in 21 years heard of an appendix?  They mention it in the “Madeline” books for God’s sake, 4 year olds have heard of an appendix!  If there’s one member of Salani I dislike, it has to be Kat.  I can understand a lack of intelligence, and it can be charming, but this just goes beyond the pail.

Right before tribal ends, we get a surprise.  The tribes are merging to a new black tribe.  I’ll give the producers credit, I did not see this coming, but it feels a little abrupt to me.  It feels like the season just started, and the tribes weren’t even shuffled up for two episodes!  Give it some time to settle before changing things up!  It seems possible to me that this wasn’t originally planned, but that the unbalanced nature of the tribes meant that the producers advanced the merge date so that good characters were not unfairly slaughtered.  Oh well, at least it implies that next week will be an exciting episode with shifting alliances, always fun to watch.

To end off, I’d like to give brief testimony to Colton’s words at the end of the episode.  “I came in with a plan.  I’m used to having everything go my way.”  That, I think, sums up Colton’s game right there.  He came in knowing what he wanted to do, and darn it, he was going to make it happen, even if it was abhorrent and stupid.

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.