Idol Speculation “Survivor Philippines” Finale: Get with the Rage Already!

THEY WERE SO CLOSE!  So close.  Almost had an amazing season!  Trapped at the finish line!  Why?  Because some idiot PRODUCERS had to go all “twist-happy”

While there is a lot of episode to get into, I have to pause right her to make note of something:  As I mentioned in my last blog, I was busy Sunday evening, and so could not watch the finale live.  While I have seen the episode as a whole now, CBS refuses to show me the reunion, no matter what I do.  I’ve watched what clips of it I can, but since I don’t usually comment much on the reunion show anyway, and this blog will be long enough as is, I’m content with skipping over it.  I will comment on the upcoming season (for reasons I’ll explain later), but that is the extent of it.  Now, let’s take a bite out of the episode.

As is the norm, we start off with hyperbolic “Previously on…” narration by Probst, and MAN if he isn’t in rare form today.  Ok, Probst, I admit that I like this season a lot, but that doesn’t make it one of the greatest of all time, and going back and showing us clips of past seasons only serves to imply that this season is too weak to stand on its own, and also gives us seasons at the forefront of our minds that lead to downward comparisons of this season.  Also, WAY too much emphasis on the returnees.  You were doing such a good job with camera time, too.

We come back, surprisingly not so much to direct bashing of Abi-Maria, but at expressions of relief that she’s gone.  Skupin is particularly vocal, calling Abi-Maria a “physical drain” on his time in the game.  Wow, Skupin, even I think that’s a bit harsh.  Then again, I’m not living with her.

There is some negativity, though, in this case from Malcolm.  Frankly, he’s annoyed.  He’s annoyed at all the compliments he’s been getting.  I mean, they just haven’t been good enough!  C’mon people, I just voted you out, praise me some more!  Oh wait, I’m thinking of Russell Hantz (“Survivor Samoa”)!  No, Malcolm’s complaint is a more legitimate one, pointing out that people saying how good he is makes them MORE likely to vote him out, as he’s bigger competition come final tribal.  It’s a fair concern, but I don’t like how he frames it as making more stress for him in that he has to do damage control.  Oh no, having to play the game, what a nightmare!

Cutting to next day, we see that our first challenge is already upon.  My, how I hope it’s an immunity.  Unfortunately, it seems I haven’t been keeping up with my sacrifices to the “Survivor” Gods, as my wish is unfulfilled, and it seems we’ll have a final 3 this time around, and frankly, I don’t understand why.  You HAVE the numbers for a final 2 to be feasible, just do it!  In fact, having a final 2 would be better!  The way it is, you have 8 jury members, and 3 final castaways, which could result in a tie without too much trouble.  If you do a final 2 with 9 jury members, there’s no chance for a tie, problem solved!

Oh well, what’s the reward we’re playing for today.  Doubtless something that would be much better replaced with immunity…

THEY DIDN’T!

Yes, I know the rage is coming early this blog, but this really earns my ire.  The reward at this challenge is an advantage at the final immunity challenge.  Now, normally I don’t have a problem with challenge advantage being rewards.  Sure, they heavily stack things in favor of the physically adept, but overall, they’re alright.  My problem here is the word FINAL!  For me, the final immunity challenge is something sacred, something symbolic.  No matter how hard you work, no matter what moves you’ve made, it all comes down to just how well you do in this one immunity challenge.  Everybody on equal ground, everybody with a shot to dictate the end of the game.  Very high stakes, and very hard to tell who will control the game.  So, to give someone an ADVANTAGE at this immunity challenge cheapens it, I feel, and also stacks the game in favor of the physically strong, which I’m against.  And I know, they’ve given other “advantages” in the past, like Terry Deitz’s power meal on “Survivor Exile Island”, but even then, everyone did the final challenge the same way, going into it, everyone was on equal ground.  This just feels like cheating somehow, and isn’t helped by Probst commenting throughout the challenge how often people with an advantage win the challenge.  I must point out here, Probst, that you’ve said in interviews that you make the challenge advantages purposefully to almost guarantee that the person with it wins, SO OF COURSE THEY’RE GOING TO BE SUCCESSFUL MORE OFTEN THAN NOT!

Blah, blah, blah, ranting and raving, what’s the challenge itself?  Well, no matter how much I may dislike him, it seems Coach Wade (“Survivor Tocantins”) refuses to leave the game, as he has returned to the Earth from whence he came and has been reborn in the form of a challenge known as “Dragon Slayer”.  It’s fairly simple, castaways race over a variety of obstacles, collecting bags of puzzle pieces along the way, and then use those pieces to solve a (dragon-shaped) puzzle. While I admit that the challenge looks difficult enough overall, it feels very generic, and the puzzle didn’t seem all that difficult to me.

Lo and behold, the physical threat that is Malcolm wins, and so we head back to camp where the strategizing begins in earnest.  Wanting to stick with Malcolm to the end, Denise goes to him, asking him to try and eliminate either Lisa or Skupin with her, or at least force a tie.  Malcolm, however, seems noncommittal, which immediately makes Denise suspicious, as Malcolm’s had a whole-game strategy this entire time, and that he’s now not telling her about it is a problem.  Privately, each admit they don’t want to face the other at final tribal, and so conspire with Lisa and Skupin to get the other off, thus setting up the pair for the final 3 easy.

After a fairly generic, if touching, ”Fallen Comrades” sequence, it’s on to our final immunity challenge, which, true to form this season, is a repeat.  Specifically, it mimics the final immunity challenge from “Survivor Micronesia”, in which castaways balance a marble on a block of wood held between two handles by pressure.  In 5 minute increments, more blocks of wood are added, until the last person with a marble wins.  It’s a good challenge, but I really wish it wasn’t a repeat, or, at the very least, a repeat of “Hand on a Hard Idol”, which at least has nostalgia value.

I will say, the one thing that prevents the immunity advantage from ruining the episode for me is that it doesn’t matter.  Malcolm’s shaky hands mean he falls out of the challenge not once, but twice (his advantage being that he gets a second chance), and loses first.  Denise falls soon after, leading to the obvious result of Skupin winning final immunity.

Life after this is exactly what you’d expect, with both Malcolm and Denise vying for Lisa and Skupin’s votes.  Denise seems to have a cast-iron argument, and Lisa is definitely on her side.  It seems, however, that the spirit of Coach, as well as his namesake, have survived, and the spirit has come to possess Skupin, who is now stupidly considering keeping Malcolm on the pretext of “honor”.  Well, actually, I exaggerate.  Skupin’s considering his “story”, how he wants to be presented to the jury, and thinks that taking Malcolm would be the more honorable thing to do, and therefore make him look better.  From the outside, I see it as the two of them deciding who to award the million dollars to, but hey, their chances are better with Denise.

At tribal, Lisa leaves no pretext as to who she’s voting out, stating that she has no reason to get rid of Malcolm, and thus sealing Malcolm’s fate.  He leaves with little fanfare, and for all that I wasn’t a huge fan of his, I admit I miss him.  Of course, I’ve been rooting for Denise since Penner left, but still, Malcolm did bring a lot of strategy and a sharp wit to the game, which made things fairly interesting.

Day 39 passes with nothing of note.  The castaways go through the motions of reflecting on their time here, eating a hearty meal, and burning down the camp.  Then we head to Tribal, to get opening speeches.  Denise starts off rather forcefully, talking about not apologizing for the way she played the game, and then made the point that she survived every Tribal Council this season.  The ending was good, Denise, but the start may have been a bit strong.  In my opinion, a good slice of humble pie goes a long way to winning over a jury.  Lisa steps up next (apparently Probst believes in “Ladies First”) with her underdog story, and talking about coming into strategy late in the game.  Dear, you’re trying, but you’re being a bit of a hypocrite by also emphasizing loyalty, and frankly, the only BLATANT strategic move you made was to vote off Malcolm.  I maintain that you orchestrated Skupin to do a few things, but beyond that, you really have no claim to evolving strategy. Evolving SOCIAL GAME I buy, but not strategic. Finally, we come to Skupin, who surprisingly has what I think is the strongest argument, pointing out how blatant targets the returnees were, and yet he made it to the end.

So now we come to the jury, with Artis up first.  As we all know, the first juror sets the tone for the evening (look at Lex’s performance on “Survivor All-Stars”).  He takes the time to rant against every single member of the final 3.

The tone has been set.

Truthfully, though, this is one of the weaker juries I find.  Not anything bad, just not a lot of substance, or particularly memorable hate.  That is, except for one person.  Yes, Jonathan Penner really can’t leave without one final performance, and he uses to insult all the other castaways.  Loss of respect points there, Penner.  Bitter much?  He starts with Denise, simply calling her a “bitch”.  This might seem harsh, but for Penner, this means she gets his vote.  He tears into Skupin for claiming to have a target written on his back when he, Penner, had his name written down 15 times this one season alone.  He claims it’s a record, before using it as a put-down on Phillip “Special Agent” Sheppard, who received more votes (and is also rumored to be on the upcoming “Fans vs. Favorites season, God help me).  As I like it when people bash Phillip, Penner gains some respect points.  Penner then turns to Lisa, and while at first it seems like he’s going to be nice, he betrays her trust, and thrusts out the fact that she was a former child star to the jury. I will say, though, I did like Lisa’s rejoinder that Penner doesn’t talk about what he did at a younger age.

So, despite some good misdirection, Denise is revealed as the winner, Lisa and Skupin getting one vote each from R.C. and Carter, respectively, and while I don’t deny it’s overall predictability, I do think Denise deserves it.  She had a lot of good strategic moments, knew just what to do and when, and managed to survive EVERY SINGLE TRIBAL COUNCIL!  She’s basically Stephenie LaGrossa (“Survivor Palau”), but with better strategic game.  A great end to an overall great season, cheap last-episode twists nonwithstanding.

One note I will say about the Reunion show (or rather a clip of it I saw):  When Probst asked Malcolm about the immunity challenge he lost, he correctly identified it as originating on “Survivor Micronesia”.  However, the “Survivor” nitpicker in me has to point out that he identified the wrong winner.  It was Amanda Kimmel (“Survivor China”) not Parvati Shallow (“Survivor Cook Islands”) who won that challenge.

Now comes the time when I look back on my pre-game cast assessments, and kick myself for thinking the things I thought!

Angie: Although she wasn’t the first off, due to Russell being too decisive, and Malcolm wanting her as an ally, I think I nailed her personality and strategic game, so I’m calling this one a right call.

Malcolm: Dead wrong.  Unlike a lot of guys who brought a big game this season, Malcolm actually had the power to back up that statement.  He really was a force, and Malcolm, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry for doubting you.  You were, without question, one of the great players this season.  Trouble is, there were a LOT of great players this season.

Lisa: While I started out being right, her adaptability and evolution surprised me.  I was wrong, I did not think she would make it this far, or make any strategic moves (which, while she talked a bigger game than she brought, she did make a few).

Jeff: While I did not predict his assholery, I was right overall.

Sarah: I thought she was cannon fodder, she was cannon fodder, but like good cannon fodder, she at least went out with a bang.

Zane: I was right.  DOOMED!

Katie: Looking back on it, yeah, I was thinking with my groin.  WAY wrong to say she’d make it far.  Still, those eyes…

Artis: Wow, I thought THIS guy would be strategic?  While I was right on his time in the game, I missed the mark completely on personality.

Abi-Maria: Another one I was dead wrong for.  In my defense, I think the island brought out her more bitchy side, but she still was not as good a strategist as I thought.

R.C.: Right.  All right.

Carter: While I was wrong on his time in the game, and while he was a little more socially aware than I gave him credit for, I still say his personality was hit straight on.

Dana: She did go in for a bit more strategy than I thought, I’d say I was right overall.

Pete: Now and then, still dull as a sack of hammers.  Maybe slightly less dull than I thought, but that still leaves a lot of dull.

Roxy: While she was a little more subdued than I thought, I’d say I was still right overall.

Denise: Although I didn’t call her winning, I did say she could make it late game, and called her personality from the get-go, so I’ll chalk that up as a victory.

Russell: Dead wrong, though I will say, since I didn’t get to see Russell play very much on “Survivor Samoa” there was little I had to go on.

Penner: Wrong, but not as much as I thought.  He was less funny this time, and while he still had his moments of strategic genius, he still made some major goofs.

Skupin: Dead wrong.  For all that I’ve trashed him, he actually has some brains.

Well, before we get to talking about next season, I did promise, a couple blogs ago, another

TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5!

While you might think I’d do winners again, as cool as Denise is, I don’t think she’s quite TOP 5 material (and she would be in the top section, believe me).  Besides, it’d be me repeating the same people again, and no one wants to see that!  So instead, I’m going with TWISTS, specifically, producer implemented ones.  Admittedly, this season in and of itself did not have that many twists (perhaps a throwback to “Survivor Borneo”, which might explain the liking), but think of what I ranted on this blog.  In any case…

TOP 5

5. Looting of Tribe Camps (“Survivor Pearl Islands”): While we’d seen this twist as a reward on “Survivor Marquesas”, it was first fully realized as a continuing reward on “Survivor Pearl Islands”.  What I like about this twist is not just the element of urgency it adds to reward challenges, but how it influences tribal politics as well.  You have a chance to negotiate, to demoralize, the strategic possibilities are endless!  For all that this was a great twist, it gets the low spot only because it wasn’t emphasized on the season as much as the other twists.

4. Monobeach Start (“Survivor Palau”): While Palau was not the first to implement the “only the clothes on your backs” twist, it was the first and so far only season to have all castaways (20, in this case) on one beach.  This created a whole lot of entertaining chaos, made the season’s start distinctive, and developed a lot of fun strategies.

3. Fake Merge (“Survivor Thailand”): All due respect to Shii-Ann Huang, this twist MADE the season for me.  Not only was it hilarious, it was also very intricate, fooling even the audience, by and large.  It made for a lot of funny moments (and more politics, what with rival tribes having to share a beach), and was overall very
fun to watch.

2. Exile Island (“Survivor Exile Island”): Man, this was awesome!  Aesthetic aside, the idea of Exile Island reminded us of the games social roots.  It added a new dimension to strategy: who do you isolate, and what risks do you take by isolating them.  Add in a hidden immunity, which has proved time and again to be a game-changer (and didn’t make the list only for want of space, so I’m effectively combining it with the “Exile Island” twist), and you have one exciting part of every episode, one that I can look forward to.

1. Tribe Swap (“Survivor Africa”): While this might seem a bit anti-climactic, given what big twists I’ve had on this list, there’s something to be said for the simplicity of the tribe swap.  It’s being the longest running twist has something to do with it to be sure, but you’ll notice that what all these twists have in common is that they affect camp politics in some way.  Well, what affects camp politics more than, frankly, changing up the camp?  For its sheer dynamicness, the humble tribe swap is, in my opinion, the best twist “Survivor” has ever come up with.

Honorable Mention: Fans vs. Favorites (“Survivor Micronesia”): Ah, a clever, original twist on the “All-Stars” idea, as well as my favorite season, why would this twist not be on the list proper?  Well, while I do enjoy the concept, I do have to wonder how well it would have panned out with a different cast (which we’ll see in a few months), and so, for these doubts, I cannot put it on the list proper.

BOTTOM 5

5. Medallion of Power (“Survivor Nicaragua”): Just a lame idea that cheapens the Tribal challenges, and was only thrown in so the younger tribe wouldn’t dominate the older tribe.  Add in a lame name, and you get a lame twist.  It is spared a higher spot because it did not dominate the season, and the producers wisely chose to eliminate it very quickly.  Sadly, this is the last good decision the producers will make on this half of the list.

4. Final Immunity Advantage (“Survivor Philippines): No, I’m not letting this go.  I really feel like they’re cheapening the final challenge by doing this, and it just seems wrong.  For a season that otherwise hearkened back to tradition so well, this just seemed like a step in the wrong direction.  Nothing came of it, thankfully, but it better not happen again!

3. Haves vs. Have-Nots (“Survivor Fiji”): Almost single-handedly responsible for the failure of the season, Haves vs. Have-Nots was a twist that, unlike a lot of others on this list, did not NEED to happen.  For me, it blatantly stacked the game in favor of one tribe, and just made the whole thing bland and predictable.  Now, I will say that this twist could have been done well, had there been some way to switch up which tribe was at which camp week to week.  This would have, to a degree, nullify the advantage of the “haves”, but even that might not have been enough to save the season.

2. Outcasts (“Survivor Pearl Islands”): For all that Pearl Islands is one of my favorite seasons, I won’t deny that this was a misstep.  It goes against the doctrine of “Once the decision is made, the decision is final.”, and just felt like cheating for the Outcasts.  While I admit this was an obvious twist, and had to happen at some point, it just felt wrong somehow.  Still, it could have been worse!  I mean, it’s not like the producers would be dumb enough to center an entire SEASON around an Outcasts twist…

1. Redemption Island (“Survivor Redemption Island”): Oh, wait, THEY TOTALLY WOULD!  If the Outcast twist KIND OF cheapened the doctrine of “Once the decision is made, the decision is final”, this one took it out into the street and repeatedly bludgeoned it.  Not only that, it very blatantly stacked the game to favor the physical, something I am not in favor of at all.  Unlike these other twists, this season did NOT need to happen, and has absolutely NO redeeming qualities!  An awful twist for an awful season!

Honorable Mention: Returning Castways (“Survivor Guatemala”): I put this twist here because I don’t think it’s an inherently bad twist.  I think it can add flavor and work really well, if the returnees don’t steal all the screen time, or are there to compensate for a mediocre cast.  I think they worked well on “Survivor Guatemala” and “Survivor Philippines”, but its failures do have to be acknowledged as well, so it deserves a mention.

Well, only one thing left to do.  I said I would talk about the next season, and so I shall.  There’s not a lot I can say that won’t spoil the new cast, but my readers probably picked up that next season, we have another “Fans vs. Favorites” season.  While I admit that “Survivor Micronesia” is my all-time favorite season as of this writing, I HATE it when the producers blatantly copy season twists just for ratings!  Hell, they’re not even trying to hide that they’re copying it!  Even “Survivor South Pacific” had the decency to not say it was also a “Redemption Island” season!  It just feels really cheap to me, and I wish they’d come up with new twists instead of old ones.  Maybe I’m wrong, maybe this will be an excellent season, but if you want to do an All-Star season, I say find a new way to do it, rather than copy an old way.

One final gripe: It can’t be a TRUE “Fans vs. Favorites” season because I’m not on there!

See you in a couple months!

-Matt

Title credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor Philippines” Episode 12: Justice of Disturbing the Peace

Nombre Exhaustima Penneris Requiem.  Oh, sorry, I was just performing last “Survivor” rites for Penner so that I could watch the episode (I would say “enjoy”, but there wasn’t much to enjoy) with a clean conscience.  Also, I have to review it, so let’s get on with it.

Trite storylines are not only for daytime tv anymore, I see, as we get back from Tribal Council with a very subdued mood, broken by (here’s a shocker) Abi-Maria complaining some more, about how she’s “misunderstood”, and that the reason everyone hates her is that she’s “too honest.”  HEARD IT!

On a more tragic note, I have somber news.  It looks, dear friends, like we’re going to lose another castaway to disease.  It’s a shame.  They seemed to be recovering from a case of acute morality, and were making great strides in terms of underdogness and gameplay, but it looks like this is going to be a terminal illness.  The castaway is Lisa Whelchel. The disease is the recently discovered Dawn Meehan (“Survivor South Pacific”) Disease.  As this disease is a relatively new discovery, there’s been little research done on it, but what conclusions we can draw are very consistent.  Tragically, those who contract Dawn Meehan Disease are of perfectly sound gameplaying mind.  Indeed, our studies suggest that oftentimes their strategies and ideas are better than a lot of “normal” contestants’.  Sadly, their body then turns on them, refusing to cooperate, insisting on forcing them to behave “morally”, even at the expense of their gameplay.  As yet no cure has been found, but our scientists (and their loved ones) are working around the clock to find one.

Well, it seems we’re at the loved ones challenge already.  That was rather abrupt.  What’s the matter, Probst, no Sprint Phone to repeatedly and annoying plug this season?  No obvious lead-in to the loved ones challenge that has become so predictable over the seasons?

Admittedly, there’s little drama with this particular batch of loved ones, which is surprising, since Probst called it as one of the selling points of the season.  It wasn’t a bad set of reunions, per se, I just think the hyperbole was unjustified.  These people seemed only mildly happier than other seasons to receive their loved ones.  Personally, the ones that stand out most in my mind are Keith Famie proposing to his girlfriend on “Survivor The Australian Outback”, and Rupert Boneham getting to see his wife after almost 3 straight months of roughing it in Panama (“Survivor All-Stars”).

One thing I’ll say for this season, though, it does have some of the funniest name for loved ones ever.  Lisa’s brother is named “Justice”.  Really?  What kind of a person names their kid “Justice”?  Well, I suppose they’re from Texas, so anything will fly there (apologies to Texans EVERYWHERE, mostly because they can kick my ass).  Also, we have Mike Skupin, whose son shares a name with him.  This might bug only me, but I personally HATE it when parents name children after themselves.  To me, it’s almost the height of ego, which is ironic as my family has a tradition of naming children Charles Lysander, and I myself was almost named after my father (shot down by my mother when it was suggested that to differentiate us, I be called “Sandy”).

Our other loved ones with unfunny names (which will therefore not be given) are Malcolm’s brother, Carter’s mom, Abi-Maria’s mom, and Denise’s husband.  Only a couple of comments about a couple of them.  First of all, seeing Abi-Maria’s mom makes me a little more sympathetic towards Abi-Maria.  She may be a bit of a bitch, but she comes by it honestly.  Her mom is just like her: whiny and terrible at challenges.  My other comment deals with Denise’s husband, not so much about him personally as I wonder what having sex with a sex therapist is like (since they have at least one child, who I assume is biological [though I can’t rule out adoption], I’m going to say they’ve had sex at least once).  On the one hand, you’d assume that a sex therapist would have some idea of the “dos” and “don’ts” of the dirty deed (that should be a pamphlet!), and so would provide a better quality experience as a result.  On the other hand, it could be that a sex therapist over-analyzes everything, and as “The Big Bang Theory” tells us so bluntly, during sex “Stop talking”.

But this isn’t a blog about “Dr. Phil” this is a blog about “Survivor”!  And now I’m sure you want me to talk about one of my favorite topics, Challenges!  Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I don’t have a whole lot to say about this particular challenge (nor will I about the Immunity Challenge, so don’t get your hopes up).  It’s original, at least, which I like.  Castaway and loved one are paired up, as is so often the case.  The castaway dis through a mud pit, trying to find bags to toss to their loved one inside a rope square.  The loved one (hilariously covered in mud) then tosses a bag at a series of posts with bamboo stalks on them.  The first to get all 6 posts knocked off wins a day at camp with their loved one.  Not a spectacular challenge, but solid.  Mud is a plus, the lack of interesting visuals is a minus (enough with the bamboo already!), overall, just a solid, but forgettable, challenge.

Not too surprisingly, in a challenge with little in the way of brains needed, the most athletic team takes the entire thing.  This team is Malcolm and his brother, and while Malcolm is elated, he faces the dreaded “take two people” decision.  FINALLY!  Sadly, there is little drama, as Malcolm makes the smart decision and comforts his two new Tandang allies Lisa and Skupin by allowing them to have a day with their loved ones.

Back at camp, there’s some supposed drama about how Malcolm’s brother, by being so comedic and up front, is ruining Malcolm’s game, but personally I’m not buying it.  Yeah, Malcolm, I know you’re trying to fly under the radar, but just having a brother who’s funny is not going to drag you into the spotlight yourself. This is particularly undermined by the fact that all promotion for this episode was about “Malcolm’s brother screws him over!”, making this actual scenario fall even more flat.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG FOR A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!

There has been a breakthrough in the Dawn Meehan Disease!  An intravenous cure has just been developed, and successfully tested on patient Lisa!  We call it the “J.U.S.T.I.C.E.” vaccine, which stands for Justifiably Undermining Stupid Tactics In Castaway Engagements.  Already we’re seeing great results, as Lisa’s body is allowing her to realize that this is a game, she can be as dastardly as she wants!  In fact, she’s so free that she’s going for primary threat Malcolm!  What a stunning discovery!  Once it can be massed produced, we can hopefully administer it to future castaways, thus wiping out Dawn Meehan Disease!  We now return to our regularly scheduled blog, already in progress.  We apologize for making you miss a portion of it, but frankly, it was just the blogger ranting about bringing religion into “Survivor” again, which you’ve seen a million times before anyway.

Challenge Time!  Today’s immunity challenge is a marginal improvement over today’s reward challenge, in that it’s more challenging.  Castaways cross a bamboo balance beam on the water, then use a grappling hook to retrieve 3 life rings under the water.  Once a castaway has all 3 rings, they race to shore where they untie 3 bags attached to the rings, use the supplies inside to improvise a pole, and make it long enough to touch a disk, releasing a flag.  The first to release their flag wins immunity.  While the pole building part is unoriginal, at least the goal is slightly different (that is to say, not retrieving a key), and I like the balance beam and especially the life ring retrieval.  It’s something that’s never been done before, and is especially difficult when one has to account for the defraction of light in water.  Not a spectacular challenge, put a pretty damn good one if I do say so myself.

In a race in which Abi-Maria appears not to try (despite still evidently being in danger), it comes down to Carter and Malcolm, with Malcolm narrowly taking home the prize.  This also undoes the first half of the episode, as all strategizing was about taking out Malcolm.

Back at camp, things are pretty bland.  Lisa moans about God’s will in the game, and there’s some discussion of getting rid of Carter of Abi-Maria, which makes sense, as Carter is more well-liked, and more of a physical threat.  It would send any pretense of Lisa playing a “moral” game out the window, but it would be smart.  Carter, MENSA candidate that he is, tries to get out of this using the tried and untrue method of “You should take me because it’s the right thing to do.”  Kiss his torch goodbye.

On the other hand, perhaps he doesn’t have to do much, Abi-Maria almost makes his case for him.  If her normal personality wasn’t bad enough, she insists on harping on this “4^th immunity idol” gambit, when almost no one believes it.  Also, dear, might I add that your fake idol is the most PATHETIC one I’ve ever seen.  I mean, not everyone can be Bob Crowley (“Survivor Gabon”), but I expect something better than a STICK!  I mean, I know Ozzy (“Survivor Cook Islands”) tried it, but at least his stick had a face.  He at least put a MINIMUM of effort into it, whereas yours…

Just go to Tribal, this is making me sick.

At Tribal, we hear Lisa say that she’d rather take someone she could beat to the end than someone honorable, thereby cementing her hypocrisy and sinking her chances of winning.  Also, Carter is sent home.  It’s the smart thing to do, and this season we’ve had people making smart moves pretty consistently (Jeff Kent excluded), but it’s still shocking.  Not that I’m sorry to see Carter go, but he’s had practically NO screentime.  We’re talking “Purple Kelly” (“Survivor Nicaragua”) levels of screen time here.  Wait, Purple Kelly actually had a memorable name and exit, at least.  We’re actually talking Kelly Sharbaugh (“Survivor Samoa”) levels of forgetableness for making it so far.  Don’t remember who she is?  Of course you don’t!  She had all of maybe two sentences the entire season!  To put the issue of who she is to rest, she’s the one Russell Hantz got out with his idol (the first one).  No, I won’t be doing a Top 5 and Bottom 5, partly because I’m on a time crunch tonight, and partly because while Carter had very few interview, he did at least get shown in a few challenges, which does count, and in my book just BARELY puts him out of the Top 5.  Besides, the finale is almost here, and when the finale comes, there will almost certainly be a list then, so better to save myself for that.

Does it bother anyone besides me that people named “Kelly” on this show tend to be uncommonly forgettable?

While this episode was a blindside, it was not a particularly exciting one, making for what, in my opinion, is the worse episode this season.  Again, though a blindside, one of the two people on the outs went, and I feel cheated given all the buildup for this episode.  Doesn’t ruin the season, just not the strongest episode.  Hopefully, next week will live up to the hype.

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor Philippines” Episode 11: Decidophobia

For those who don’t know, can’t figure it out just by splitting the word, or are too lazy to use the Google, Decidophobia is a fear of making decisions.  It’s undone many a castaway, the great and the pathetic alike.  However, if there was one guy I thought would never succumb to this syndrome, it would be Jonathan Penner.  As we’ve seen this season, though, I can be very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very…  (8 hours later) very, very, VERY wrong.  Probably a short blog tonight, as I wasted my typing hand with all of those “verys”, but I’ll still try and find out why.

First, though, we have to discuss the “Previously On” segment.  Sure, it seemed harmless enough, but let’s look at the first draft:

PROBST: Previously on… “Survivor”!  Dozens of interesting plotlines emerged, leading to what will surely be the climax of the episode.  Intrigue and suspense are the order of the day!  But enough about that, lets lay into Abi-Maria some more!  She’s so pathetic, everyone hates her, I don’t know how she’s managed to live ANYWHERE, let alone on the island… (Probst rants and raves for another 8 hours, further tiring my typing hand).

It seems our castaways get this script, though, as they continue to bash Abi-Maria.  In fact, it goes on for so long that they skip over the night altogether and head into the next day, still going at it.  Now, to be fair, I don’t like Abi-Maria much (whatever my cast assessment might have said), but even I think they’re going a bit far.  In her own, pompous, arrogant way, I think Abi-Maria really was trying to make amends after her beating at Tribal Council (which, while deserved, even I’ll admit was probably hard to hear), and Denise was being a bit cynical about her attitude, complaining to Penner about her.  Still, she can’t like Penner too much, as she mentions that, should Abi-Maria win immunity, Penner will more than likely be the next to go.  But of course, that’s just silly!  There’s no way Abi-Maria could win immunity, right guys?  Right?

Well, it seems my prayers to the “Survivor” gods worked, as we are given a full intro this time, albeit with only those who made the merge left.  They’re working it the same as “Survivor China”, and while I admit that I prefer having a full intro all the way through, this is a fair compromise.

We head off to the interesting stuff (I mean reward challenge) after a commercial break, where we see that Penner is not the only one who can play women’s emotions like a harpsichord.  Malcolm decides to put himself in the fray, by attempting to bed Abi-Maria.

EMOTIONALLY, you perverts!  Put your flagpoles down!

In all seriousness, it’s not a bad idea.  It’s good to make friends, either as potential allies or jury members, and Abi-Maria’s emotional state right now makes her an easy target, and Malcolm admits as much.  He tries to comfort her by showering her with vast amounts of money from the tree-mail (who would have thought that such a bad pun would endure the test of time?), because it’s time for the “Survivor” Reward auction.  For those who believe that this satisfies my need for individual reward challenges, it does not.  While it does get the “individual” and “reward” parts down pat, it lacks in the “challenge” department.  Not to say that the reward auction is uninteresting by any means, it does involve a lot of strategizing and hilarity, but it’s not exactly exciting the way challenges are, and has none of the drama of “who do you take with you” that I so enjoy.  It doesn’t help when an auction imposes restrictions such as “no sharing of money or food”, given that those are part of what made auctions interesting in the first place.  In and of itself, this auction is not exactly exciting, but neither is it bad in any way.  The most distinctive thing about this auction is the sheer number of morons who shell out $500 for food items.  First Denise goes for pancakes and bacon (though admittedly her justification of their nutritive value is a good counterargument) and then Skupin drops out for a small cheese assortment and wine, which he then doesn’t drink (I wish, when he said that, that he’d thrown it on Probst.  That said, I hereby make a solemn pledge that if I am ever put on the show, and make the reward auction, and get a food item I don’t use, I will throw it on Probst)!  I can understand shelling out all your money for an immunity advantage, but not food!  As a side note, I am relieved to know that, while Abi-Maria may not be the smartest, she does at least have the brains to hold out for an immunity advantage, rather than blow her money on food.  Carter, of course, buys food for the tribe repeatedly, and everyone goes home fat and happy.

Oh, wait, I forgot, Penner’s on this tribe, and that means that there’s someone there who knows that contented times are the best times to stir the pot, so as to make another person look bad by comparison.  His target is… well let’s be honest, does he have a target other than Abi-Maria?  Ok, so he will later, but that’s later.  This time, I’m having a harder time justifying Abi-Maria’s behavior.  Even for someone on the outs, she’s being downright hostile.

Still, at least she has her note, which, as you might expect, lets her proceed directly to the final phase of the immunity challenge!  Again, I’m amazed to give her props, as I really don’t like her, but she does at least try to parlay it into something more, pretending it has more to it than just an immunity advantage, and also trying to make a fake idol.  Granted, given that these are smart players this season, and have SEEN what an idol looks like, it probably won’t help (in the former case, particularly given that they can SEE THROUGHT THE PAPER YOU’RE READING OFF OF, AND CAN THEREFORE TELL THAT YOU’RE BLUFFING!), but the effort is worth noting.

You know what’s worse than one boring and rehashed immunity challenge?  Doing the same thi AGAIN the very next episode!  Seriously, one ropes course was bad enough, but TWO?  They’ve stopped trying.  Hell, I almost considered titling this blog “Unchallenging” in honor of this fact, but Penner’s demise is more important.  I will say that I do like that they try to twist this challenge by adding a trivia component (losers must carry 10% of their body weight on this course), but this is only a minor asset, and even this is ruined by the fact that you only show one out of 3 trivia questions.  I, for one, would have liked to have seen them all.

In a strange twist of fate, sitting out a challenge does you good, as Abi-Maria smokes both Carter (remember him?) and Penner in the final round.  I guess the added rest really did pay off.

So scrambled castaways are on the menu (but not up for auction) at Dangrayne, as the Kalabaw 6 must now eat one of their own.  Penner seems the obvious choice, but Lisa feels guilty, and essentially confesses to Penner, spinning the usual tracts of “I’m not cut out for this game”, “It’s such a difficult decision”, blah, blah, blah.  It’s a wake-up call for Penner, though, as he realizes that his lack of commitment has come back to haunt him, and that he may have taught his student too well.  True, Penner, you did convince Lisa to orchestrate a flip, thereby saving yourself, but you also absolved her of any moral obligation to stay loyal to you.  As Thomas Jefferson once said “He who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do it a second and a third time, till at length it becomes habitual”.  The same can be true of betraying people on “Survivor”, and so Penner’s only hope is to scramble.  He quickly sweeps up Abi-Maria and Carter to vote off Denise (why he doesn’t try to blindside Malcolm, I can’t tell), and tries to convince Skupin to flip without Lisa a second time.  I’m not buying it, but since Skupin’s moved without her before, it’s possible.

In any case, Tribal is where we find out the results of the Penner vs. Malcolm debates.  These two go at it, with nuanced arguments and subtle…

(there is a banging on my door)

ME: Oh damn, not this again!  Cast members breaking into my dorm is becoming a habit!  I thought I changed the locks!

(JONATHAN PENNER bursts in, hat askew and eyes full of rage)

PENNER: YOU’RE MAKING A MISTAKE LISA!

ME: Penner, give it a rest.  The episode’s over.

PENNER: DON’T YOU REALIZE THE MISTAKE YOU’RE MAKING!

ME: No, Penner, I don’t think she does, now let me get on with my blog, I’ve got other things to do tonight!

PENNER: BUT I DON’T THINK I’VE EMPHASIZED ENOUGH HOW HARD IT WILL BE TO BEAT MALCOLM AND DENISE IN THE FINALS!  I MEAN, I KNOW I SAID IT ABOUT 20 TIMES ALREADY, BUT YOU HAVEN’T SAID IT ENOUGH!

ME: Look, Penner, I agree with you.  I’ve said in every blog since the merge that Malcolm and Denise are a tough crew to beat.  They’re likeable, they’ve ruffled few feathers, and they have the underdog story going for them.  So yes, your argument makes sense, and I’ve said it before, so what more do you want?

PENNER: Well, you aren’t saying it every other sentence.

ME: OK, OUT!  Now, where’s my “No-Longer-New Zapatera Buff”?

(While I look desperately for said buff, PENNER pulls out an immunity idol.)

ME: COOL!  AN IMMUNITY IDOL!

(PENNER beats a hasty retreat).

So yeah, Penner goes home, and while I’m disappointed, I’m not surprised.  For all that Penner was a good strategist, he trusted his influence on Lisa a bit too much.  Still, to his credit, he goes out with the obnoxiousness I’ve so missed this season.  First, he yells over his shoulder “Denise” when voting for Denise, a move I question since Malcolm could have then given Denise his idol to ensure their mutual victory, but was still funny.  Not the funniest blatant vote ever, certain not on the level of the diatribe of Crystal Cox (“Survivor Gabon”), but funny.  Then he mocks Probst’s snuffing of the torch and finally (badly) whistles the “Survivor” exit theme on the way out, popping back every now and again from behind the trees like a demented muppet.  I, for one, shall miss him.

It’s small consolation that next week I will (seemingly) get my wish for an individual reward challenge, which Probst claims will change the game.  I highly doubt that, but we’ll just wait and see.

Now, where did I put those “Support Denise!” banners?

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor Philippines” Episode 10: Smack-Abi

Who I’d REALLY like to smack are all the fans who said “Abi-Maria can’t possibly get any worse.”  NEVER say things can’t get worse, you’re only setting yourself up for a comedy cliché.

Comedy is something in short supply this episode, as we start off with Abi-Maria practicing the art of bitching.  Now if only she could make a career out of it.  Oh well.  I will admit, however, that she for once has a good excuse.  This last Tribal Council was hard on her (but nothing compared to this episode), so she does have something of a right to engage in the predicable exasperated astonishment/anger interview that everyone who has a tribal council go against them has.  Her fellow castaways are somewhat happier, gallivanting around, making new alliances left, right, and center.  My, how these things fragment quickly.  Denise offers Penner and Skupin an alliance to the end, which I have to admit makes sense for her.  Denise is a real threat at the end, as she’s well-liked and has an underdog story going for her.  Pair her up with a couple of guys she can play the “they’ve had their chance” card on, and you may as well write her the check already.

Ok, I’ve tolerated the lack of an intro for the last several episodes on the basis that a lot of interesting things happened, and the extra time was needed for castaway interviews and the like.  This episode, which I’m going to colloquially dub the “setup” episode, did not need extra time.  Seriously, you’re just biding time until the new Kalabaw 6 eat each other, I think you can spare a minute for the intro.

With our standard Christmas commercials over (only SLIGHTLY heinously early this year), we that Lisa is for some reason chatting with Abi-Maria.  Who is drinking alcohol.  Surely that will make her personality even MORE smiley and bubbly than it already is!  I do have to wonder WHY Lisa would agree to talk to Abi-Maria of her own free will, but hey, maybe it’s the 11^th commandment!

Abi-Maria tells Lisa that she’s mad at Lisa’s implications about how nice she is, and wonders how she can think that Kalabaw was nicer to her than she was.  Lisa gives examples, but Abi-Maria points out that they’re probably just saying that to get her on their side, and are therefore not being genuine.  Now, while this is sound reasoning on Abi-Maria’s part, I do have to point out that while they may not have been genuine in their politeness, they also did not actively tear Lisa down as a certain someone (who shall remain unnamed) did, and so, Abi-Maria (so much for unnamed) your argument really has no legs.  Abi-Maria also questions why Lisa would jump to an alliance where she’s the bottom of the pecking order, when she was on top at Tandang, but again, I have to disagree with Abi-Maria.  If she doesn’t flip at this point, she’ll be picked off after you and Pete, the exact same spot she would if she flipped.  Better to flip now and try to pull something off than to stay loyal and have no chance.

Aggravated though I am that this is another team reward challenge, I do have to give this one credit for cleverness and originality.  Being something of a video game fan, I’m rather used to this type of challenge, as it often comes up as a mini-game in larger games like “Mario Party”.  Basically, there is an arena with 3 rings in it, and inside each ring are 2 drums, one for each team.  The goal is to send out team members, one at a time, to flip over your team-colored drum, and prevent the other team-colored drum from flipping over.  The first team to have all 3 drums flipped over simultaneously scores a point, the first to 3 points wins.  While not the most complex challenge, sometimes simple can be good, and it has a concentration element I rather enjoy.  You’ll note that most points scored were due not to physical prowess, but due to someone screwing up, and that somehow makes me enjoy it all the more.

The red team consists of Malcolm, Carter, Abi-Maria, and Pete, while the yellow team is made up of Penner, Skupin, Lisa, and Denise.  Gee, I wonder who has the advantage?  Not surprisingly, the red team wins, though by a surprisingly narrow margin.  They head off to a spa day reward, where Malcolm is quick to quash any strategic talk.  A smart move on his part, as his enemies are there, and he doesn’t want any undue influence on fellow ally Carter.  Unfortunately, it also makes the reward barely worth mentioning.

Once they’re back at camp, it’s time for the bashing of the Abi-Maria piñata!  And I know, I’m mixing my Hispanic stereotypes, just bear with me, it’s a joke.  Instead of candy, out comes a declaration that Abi-Maria will no longer cook.  Way to ingratiate yourself there!

As a side note, the award for best Abi-Maria diss of the evening goes to Malcolm for his quote: “Abi-Maria has all the social dignity of a Mack Truck”.

Witty quips aren’t the only thing on Malcolm’s agenda.  He wants alliances as well, and so starts talking with Skupin about a final 4 proposal.  Skupin likes what he hears, but wants to talk to Lisa first.  Lisa admits that she trusts Penner more, and so the pair go to try and get Penner to agree to a final 4 with them.  Penner, however, says he wants to wait to hash things out until the final 6 making Lisa and Skupin mistrustful of him, and so they jump on board with Malcolm and Denise’s alliance.  I can understand why Penner made his move that way, since he doesn’t want to throw all his eggs in one basket too early, and also wants people to like him, which means betraying as little as possible.  Still, I think what Lisa needed right then and there was a guarantee, and this is probably a bit misstep for Penner.

Challenge Time!  ______________________________________________________________.   I left the blank there because by now you should know what sarcastic comment is coming about my luck with praising challenges.  Yes, it’s back to the oldie and not-goodie ropes course.  I like this a bit more than some others, only because it adds the “Survivor Vanuatu” twist of odd obstacles in the water (rather than just boards and balance beams), but even this doesn’t save it.  It’s not helped by the fact that both Abi-Maria and Pete are eliminated in the first round, thereby taking away most of the tension of the challenge.  Carter pulls off a come-from behind victory.  Good for him.  So glad to see he’s STILL not making any impact on the show.  Watch him end up winning, and thus totally ruining an otherwise great season.

Surprisingly Abi-Maria and Pete decide to go the logical route with our obvious misdirection this evening, and target Malcolm on the basis that he’s a likeable physical threat with an immunity idol.  A logical plan, but they’ve annoyed the tribe so much at this point that no one really bothers to listen.  Hell, Penner outright TELLS Abi-Maria that she won’t win.  The only one who even gives it consideration is Skupin, and as we’ve seen him make an alliance with Malcolm this episode, that’s probably not happening.

Tribal is just one big psychoanalysis of Abi-Maria, coupled with some insults, though nothing to top the “Mack Truck” quip of Malcolm’s.  It ends with the predictable result of the Kalabaw 6 splitting their votes, Abi-Maria playing her idol, and Pete going home.  Not the greatest episode overall, but I can’t fault it too much.  After that last episode, there wasn’t much room for anything exciting to happen this episode, and hey, sometimes “Survivor” is like a good joke: you need to take some time on the setup before you get to the payoff.

And what setup we have!  It looks bad for my man Penner!  Let’s just hope he REALLY has Lisa around his emotional finger, or else I’d say he’s doomed not next episode, but a few after.

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor Philippines” Episode 9: Paddle-Balls to the Wall

“Survivor” Medic!

Seriously, I’m having fainting spells, I’m not sure how much longer I’ll last!  I know I’m about to spoil the climax of the episode, but damn if I can’t blog without getting it off of my chest.  I’ve praised the misdirection this season by and large, but tonight I thought I had it figured out.  I was sure, despite my own personal biases, that Penner was gone, dead in the water, Skupin was his best chance, and Skupin wasn’t moving without Lisa.  We get to Tribal Council, the 4^th vote for Penner comes up, and I’m dead certain he’s gone.  There’s no way Skupin and Lisa would move independently, so the only way it swings in Penner’s favor is a 6-3 vote for Artis.  Then the last name comes up, I prepare my “Support Denise” banners, and all of a sudden, Artis comes up!  You can’t see me now, but I have a huge grin in my face.  If only to keep it longer, let us savor the sweet journey that was, in my opinion, the best episode of this season.

We start off with a lot of celebrating/complaining about Jeff Kent’s (damn, I thought I wouldn’t have to write that name again) departure.  Of particular interest is why Penner voted for Abi-Maria instead of forcing a tie.  Fan theory was that Penner had a diabolical scheme up his sleeve, which required splintering an alliance.  My theory was that he had a grudge against Jeff Kent (will he never leave this blog?), and couldn’t stand keeping him in.  The big reveal is that Penner was simply confused, and didn’t know there was a plan (despite his grandstanding at the previous Tribal Council).  Wow, loss of points on the brilliance-ometer there Penner.  Don’t worry, you’ll more than earn them back later in the episode.

Also of interest is Lisa, who took a moral bashing last episode, and previews show that she’ll continue to get one this episode.  She tries to explain herself to everyone, and Tandang seems receptive (though Abi-Maria continues to dig her own grave), but still, Lisa questions her decision.

Following commercial, Christmas comes early as Penner’s foreshadowed work on Lisa begins.  Seeming to have gotten over his case of pissed-off-itis from the night before, Penner admits that he still needs a plan in order to move forward.  His plan is to continue his work on Lisa, but hard core now.  He does this, not by strategizing, but by appealing to her emotions.  Now, some of my more frequent readers know that I normally despise this form of manipulation, feeling that it is overall weaker and less effective (not to mention somewhat less scummy) than outright strategizing.  Penner’s use of it I’m ok with for 2 reasons.  The first is that he ADMITS that it’s a strategy, as it’s the best way to get to Lisa, whereas others who use this I believe go with it on the basis that it feels less scummy than the other method.  The second is that, unlike others who appeal in vague noncommittal terms (or fake a birthday, John Cochran of “Survivor South Pacific”), Penner goes straight for the proverbial jugular, not attacking Lisa’s sense of righteousness, but her insecurities, and her insecurities from EARLY LIFE nonetheless!  What’s more, he does it in the guise of friendly advice, claiming to be the first person who understood her.  All this is sprinkled with hyperbolic praise.  “Unprecedented move”, huh? Yes Penner, as a hard core strategist, you of all people know that a person uniting a disparate group of people to form a voting block has NEVER happened before!  I know I should be appalled at Penner’s display, as most of his words a clearly not genuine, but damn it, I can’t help but be impressed with his read of people, and the overall convincing performance he gave!

Challenge?  Oh, yeah, right, I suppose there was a reward challenge this episode.  Do I really have to?  Can’t I just rhapsodize about Penner some more?

In all seriousness, this challenge does deserve a decent amount of mention, both good and bad.  For it, tribes are split into teams of two, who make their way through a muddy obstacle course one at a time, each collecting a bag of balls.  Once everyone has made it through, teams unwrap their balls (12 in all), and try to get them down a small cone.  The first team to get all 12 balls down the cone wins the right to take school supplies (though they mostly look like sports supplies to me) to a local Filipino school, and earns a feast from that school.  This seems, at first, like your average obstacle course challenge of the type I rag on normally.  However, there are two things that save this challenge from my disgust: mud and rice.  Mud is a fun element of every “Survivor” challenge.  It adds to the spills and the hilarity, it gets the castaways dirty, which is rather entertaining, and it just seems like adding insult to injury, if you’re into schadenfreud.  But mud has been done before, it’s old hat, give us something new.  Ok, how about rice? One leg of the challenge forces the castaways to dive through a trough of rice, which, of course, sticks to them and everything muddy.  Even more than mud, this is insult to injury, and it lends this challenge a unique twist that I rather like.  Top it all off with a good bit of strategy by Penner (which I’ll get to in a minute), and you have a decent, solid challenge.

Though really, does it HAVE to be a team challenge?  Would it kill you to let a free-for-all happen, and force people to make choices about who to bring on reward?

Back to Penner (you’ll find that I do that a lot this blog), he finds himself on a team with Malcolm, Denise, and Carter, going up against Skupin, Lisa, Pete, and Artis, with Abi-Maria not picked (there’s a shock, I’m amazed Probst didn’t lampshade it) and therefore ineligible for reward.  The teams are fairly evenly matched, with Penner’s team having a slight edge in my opinion, but Penner takes no chances.  He loses time on his leg to search around in the mud for all 4 bags and bring them to the surface, thus saving time in the long run.  It’s a good strategy, and helps his team to an admittedly quite narrow victory given the circumstances.

Penner’s team goes on reward, and as always they enjoy the food and hobnobbing with the locals, which at least one person must say is a “life changing experience”.  Malcolm is this year’s winner in that department, at least.  Not one to let a good situation go to waste, however, Penner takes time out to strategize with his fellow reward members, correctly pointing out that they’re on the bottom, and ought to stick together.  The consensus is that Lisa and Skupin are the way to go, and things seem set up for a flip from Lisa.

Oddly enough, Tandang seems to agree with the plan, as they’re doing all that they can to convince Lisa to betray them.  Well, at least Abi-Maria seems to be.  Pete says that he hoped that this would be a bonding time for Tandang, a reaffirmation of their alliance, and return to the fold for those on the outside.  Continually, Pete forgets that he’s aligned with Abi-Maria, who proceeds to badmouth Lisa for her perceived “gullibility”.  Even Artis admits this is a bad idea, and when ARTIS thinks what you’re doing is insane, you know there’s trouble.  What makes it even worse is that Lisa HERSELF, the person most likely to flip, wanted to go along with Pete and co., was perfectly willing to follow along with the plan, and you go and alienate her for no reason!  I’ve run out of metaphors for stupidity at this point, just make one up.

Heading back to camp after commercial, we’re greeted with the return of the effective “Kalabaw 4” from reward, and as you’d expect, they’re greeted…  oh, wait, I guess nothing happened at camp, as it’s CHALLENGE TIME (boy that came fast)!  And the immunity challenge is nothing short of sadistic.  Castaways roll balls down a long paddle, trying to get them into one of 6 notches carved into the paddle.  The first to have all 6 balls sitting on the paddle wins.  Dear Lord, this challenge is difficult.  First of all, it not only requires balance, but also coordination with balance, something very rare, and almost never practiced.  Furthermore, those notches aren’t big, they just barely fit each ball, so while the first ball might not be too bad, it’s downright Herculean to get the other 5 in there without dislodging another ball (as Pete so aptly demonstrated).  It’s like a challenge off of Wii Fit, if Wii Fit had a cruel streak.

In an ironic twist, the man who left the game because of his hands is now kept in the game because of them.  Skupin wins, which would normally be Penner’s death knell, but he’s not one to just roll over and die.  He continues his work on Lisa, taking a slightly different emotional tack this time, one that I’m sure has come up in many a strategy discussion, but has never been shown so blatantly on screen.

Penner asks her how she wants to be perceived in editing.

I’ve always said that these people realize that they’re on a tv show to some degree, no matter how long they stay on, and are, to some degree, thinking about how they’d like to be shown.  I think that, of late, it’s what has led people to avoiding a lot of good strategic moves, as they don’t want to look like scum to the national public.  It also makes sense that the producers don’t want this sort of discussion shown, as it ruins some of the illusion of “reality” on the show, and can blatantly reveal what the editors are trying to do in some cases.  Still, I doubt Penner’s argument is original, but it is a good one.  He tells Lisa that however things turn out, she’ll be perceived as a likeable, loyal underdog, but that the public will dislike her for keeping the “evil” threesome of Artis, Abi-Maria, and Pete in the game.

What’s scary is the man’s ability to predict the public.  That’s pretty much exactly the fan reaction to Lisa.

Meanwhile, the rest of Penner’s alliance (in what I first thought was a conspiracy to turn on him) decided to shift the vote to Artis, as he’s unlikely to play Abi-Maria’s immunity idol.  A bit of unnecessary strategizing, given the confidence of the alliance, but certainly sound reasoning, and any one of the threesome is better than one of the Kalabaw 4.

Penner’s taking no chances, though, and also works the immunity-given Skupin to try and vote off Artis.  Penner works a bit more blatantly, offering Skupin a full-on alliance.  Skupin likes what he hears, but won’t move against Lisa.  So, after some discussion in the water, it’s off to Tribal Council, where Abi-Maria once again digs her own passive-aggressive grave.  And from here on out you know the story.  Like I said, I thought for sure Penner was gone (very glad that he’s not, though), and I even had my “MORONS” megaphone ready to chastise the editors for slipping up on misdirection, when, in fact, it was one of the best bits of misdirection EVER in my opinion.

So, where does this leave us?  With a big question mark, that’s where.  Skupin, despite his interviews, moved against Lisa, and voted with the Kalabaw 4, apparently for good.  This leads to one of two conclusions.  Either Skupin has freed himself of Lisa (which I find unlikely) or Lisa told him to vote against Artis, allowing her to look like a good guy, but still eliminate Artis.  A shrewd move on Lisa’s part, if that’s the case, but not a smart one.  She moves from a solid 5 where she’s guaranteed victory at the end to a not solid 6 where likeability is pretty much even.

Still, this could lead to a short Pagonging of the old Tandang loyalists, which could make the next few episodes boring.  Given the drama that Abi-Maria’s existence causes, though, I kind of doubt it.

What I don’t doubt is that tonight’s episode merited another:

TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5

The theme, as you might guess, is blindsides, and for once, I’m going purely subjective, my own opinions (primarily based on predictability) of what the best blindsides are.  I may do a more objective list at some point, to talk about the blindsides that had the most impact on the game, but that’s not this list.  Also, as there’s no such thing as a “bad” blindside in my objective opinion, I’ll be using it to list the top 5 missed opportunities for blindsides.  One note of clarification on this: the name I list for the bottom 5 is the person who ACTUALLY got voted off, not the person who should have been blindsided.  Now then, on to the list.

Top 5

5. Deena Bennett (“Survivor The Amazon”): Where better to start than with a blindside by the king of blindsides, Rob Cesternino.  While Rob had already perfected this with the boot of the aptly-named Roger Sexton, Deena’s was in my opinion the most unexpected, as well as Rob’s biggest power play.  It gains the lowest slot I can give only because the editing made it seem like it was coming, so a bit of predictability.  Overall, though, an exciting boot for an exciting episode.

4. Artis Silvester (“Survivor Philippines”): So what if it might be the afterglow of Penner’s continued tenure in the game, my list, my choice!  Admittedly, I did put this one down low because I’m not sure how I’ll feel about this blindside compared to others come tomorrow, but at the moment, they pulled the wool over my eyes, made an exciting episode, and earned the #4 slot.

3. John Carroll (“Survivor Marquesas”): It’s not so much that you thought John Carroll would never be voted off.  He was in a leadership position (always precarious), a physical threat, and somewhat cocky.  No, this one you just thought the alliance for it would never come together.  Neleh and Paschal were too far ensconced in the Rotu 4 alliance to dare flip, especially with loose cannon Sean, and yet they did, making for the first “bottom of the totem pole” shake-up in “Survivor” history, and one hell of a blindside.

2. Leann Slaby (“Survivor Vanuatu”): I know I said that overall impact on the game wouldn’t be considered, but this is the exception.  This is the vote that saved Chris’ game and won him a million dollars.  I justify this bending of the rules by pointing out that I did not expect Chris to pull off any sort of a win, given how many women were left, so I’d call it an unexpected and fun blindside.

1. Erik Reichenbach (“Survivor Micronesia”): A fun and deserved blindside.  Never.  I never thought someone would be du enough to give up immunity to a majority alliance.  You proved me wrong, good sir.  Thanks for making the end of the season entertaining!

Honorable Mention: Gretchen Cordy (“Survivor Borneo”): I’ve mentioned before that I watched the seasons out of order, so “Survivor Borneo” was not my first and consequently lost a lot of it’s impact for me.  Still, a lot has to be said for the first real “blindside” of “Survivor”, ever.  You could argue, I suppose, that Stacey or Joel were technically first, but in both cases, you kind of saw it coming.  Gretchen was the first real surprise, and it caused a storm of controversy when it aired.  It must at least be acknowledged, even if it didn’t surprise me.

 

Bottom 5

5. Jenna Lewis (“Survivor Borneo”): Sticking to the land of Borneo, we have our first missed opportunity.  While there was never really a chance to overtake the Tagi alliance from this season, as Pagong was just too disorganized, they did have a shot with their “Barbeque Alliance”.  The Tagi alliance was fragmenting (with Kelly Wiglesworth defecting for a vote), and newly united Pagong front.  That is until Sean Kenniff got moral, voted for Jenna, and in doing so sealed the rest of the Pagong’s fate.

4. Stephenie LaGrossa (“Survivor Palau”): Again, given the amount Tom Westman and Ian Rosenberger won immunity, this was a very slim chance, but deserves mentioning.  The women couldn’t compete on any level with either alpha male, the only way they could WIN in the end was a woman’s alliance.  However, it broke up because, according to Katie “Caryn sucks”.  Mature Katie.  Real mature.  No wonder you lost.

3. Kelly Goldsmith (“Survivor Africa”): Much like Pagong, the Samburu tribe was at a disadvantage, ready to be picked off come the merge.  Unlike Pagong, however, Samburu was much more prepared strategically, and it helped that the old Boran had a few cracks in it.  And while this vote did end up going for a Boran member, it permanently splintered the Samburu, leading to their destruction and a missed opportunity for power.

2. Alicia Calaway (“Survivor The Australian Outback”): While Alicia originally hails from the outback, this goes out her boot in “Survivor All-Stars”.  Once it became clear that a Pagonging of Mogo Mogo would not go smoothly due to Shii-Ann Huang’s winning immunity, people should have ganged up on Boston Rob.  Although he didn’t win, he was the guy to beat, and yet no one made a move to better themselves.  Shii-Ann put it best by calling them “Stupid, stupid people.”

1. Amanda Kimmel (“Survivor China”): This goes for the one time she was actually voted out, in “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains”.  DAMMIT, CANDICE, YOU COULD HAVE GOT RID OF RUSSELL FUCKING HANTZ, PUT YOURSELF IN A POWER POSITION, AND YET YOU DIDN’T!  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

Honorable Mention: Mike Chiesl (“Survivor Redemption Island”): More of a placeholder for any vote post-merge this season.  Ometepe, like on “Survivor All-Stars” just couldn’t bring themselves to vote off their biggest competition, and payed a rightful price.  They’re not on the list proper only because I can’t think of a specific vote that could have changed the game.  For all my criticisms, Boston Rob did keep a good, tight grip on the tribe that season.

Well, that’s it and I’m bushed.  Looking forward to the next episode!

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor Philippines” Episode 8: Lisa Whelchel, at Tribal Council, with the Torch Snuffer

Come, Watson, Come!  The game is afoot!  It doesn’t matter that I’m suddenly in New York, and you’re now an Asian woman!  There’s a new episode of “Survivor” about, and damn if it isn’t confusing.  I think even MENSA would have trouble with this one.

Something that ISN’T trouble, though, is another edition of…

MATT’S MESS-UP!

And this is a biggie, folks.  I’ve screwed up in the past, I’ve made a few errors, but they’ve been forgivable, by and large.  This one, however, I don’t think I can live down.  I genuinely feel bad about this one, it’s just an awful mishap for me.

Last week, I gave the merged tribe a rather hard time for naming their tribe Dangrayne, as I couldn’t make sense of it, and figured it must be somebody’s name.  I, however, was too focused on splitting the syllables between the n and the g that I missed the obvious, glorious pun!  Thank you to Stephen Fishbach for pointing this out, by the way.

If you split the name between the g and r, it becomes “Dang rain”.

Marvelous!  Absolutely marvelous!  One of the best names for a merge tribe ever (no Top 5 and Bottom 5 list this week, though, I’ve got a test to study for) if I do say so myself.  The castaways are basically giving the finger to the environment, what could possibly be more glorious?

Maybe the rest of the episode, so let’s take a look.  We get the usual “Previously On” segment, for once sans “Matsing Sucks” speech by Probst.  Actually, to get sidetracked for another minute, this was a really good “Previously On” segment.  Lately, they’ve had a problem where they focus too much on the overall story, and not enough on the specific previous episode.  Very often, this too closely telegraphs what the conflicts of the episode will be, and even who’ll be going home, sometimes.  This one hearkens back to the old days, just summarizing the previous episode with almost no editorial.  Obviously I’m doing something right, as the “Survivor” Gods are looking favorably on me again.

Into the actual episode proper, we start off with the promised fallout from Jeff Kent’s dumb move last week, with Penner questioning anyone and everyone (but mostly Jeff Kent) as to why he would do this.  Penner, to his credit, does not come off to their faces as overly bitter, thus leaving himself slightly more favorable politically, unlike some betrayed men from red tribes (*cough*Jim Rice*cough*) that I could think of.  He’s even outright cordial to Denise, when she explains that she’s playing the game for herself.  To the cameras, however, Penner is a different man, bitter, alone, and swearing vengeance.  I’m sure this will have no bearing on the episode whatsoever!

With the main drama of a possible Penner comeback established, it’s time to come up with the “B” storyline for the episode, that will also serve as our misdirection post-immunity challenge.  I’m rather excited to see who this will be.  Since a lot of drama’s riding on the immunity challenge, it’ll have to be some sort of big strategy play.  Maybe Malcolm will have a change of heart, and start egotistically talking about betraying Tandang.  Or maybe Abi-Maria will go completely insane, badmouth everybody, and turn everything on its head.  Heck, even Denise could pull out some sort of interesting strategy, I’ve always had a soft spot for her.  Ah, the interview’s starting, let’s see who we get!

LISA!

You’ve got to be kidding me!  This has to be “Survivor Twilight Zone”.  LISA is the one giving us our supplementary strategy for the episode?  The exceedingly Christian woman, the one trying to give the church good name on “Survivor”, the one who was a social OUTCAST, a virtual GUARANTEED boot the first time Tandang hit tribal council, has turned into a strategist?  I bow in humble awe, “Survivor”, you’ve thrown me for a loop again.  I would at no point before now have guessed that Lisa would play anything but a moral game, let alone that she would actually come up with good strategy.  Perhaps this season’s bunch aren’t a group of total morons.

Actually, for my castigating Lisa as a completely amoral strategist, what she’s got is actually a pretty moral plan.  True, it calls for the continued elimination of Penner, whom she’s developed a friendship, but after that, she’s going the Gretchen (“Survivor Borneo”) route, and trying to hold the yellow tribe together.  What scary is that at this point, it’s actually her best move to try and keep Tandang together, at least long term.  While the old Kalabaw aren’t the most likeable bunch around, they aren’t the least likeable either, and do have something of an underdog story going for them, which could translate to jury votes.  Malcolm and Denise may provide loyalty, but they’ve also provided information that Lisa can use, not to mention that they’re also likeable underdogs, just the ones you don’t want to go up against.  Artis, Pete, and Abi-Maria, though, are thoroughly unlikeable, just given how arrogant they are.  Admittedly, the one problem with this is that there’s 3 of them, and only 2 of Lisa and Skupin, but it’s early days yet, and there’s plenty of time to shave at least one of them off before they gain a majority (personally I’d go with Pete as being the most likeable and biggest physical threat).  What’s really strange, though, is that Lisa, again the apparent MORAL woman of the season, is admitting that she’ll use her information about Malcolm against him, despite last episode SWEARING that she wouldn’t.  I can see that didn’t last long.

Penner goes out fishing, though I’m not sure why, as it didn’t work out too well for him last time.

Time for the reward challenge, which, I must restate from x amount of previous blogs, is a mixed bag.  The tribe is divided into blue and yellow teams (ok, CBS, if you wanted it to come down to Tandang and Matsing when you absorbed tribes, just do it!  Maybe reshuffle the tribes into those two, but don’t try and force the color combination on us post-merge!) who must swim out, one at a time, to retrieve Filipino fishing baskets.  Once they’ve got it, the remaining team members pull them back in, and the next person goes, repeating until all 4 baskets are retrieved.  Then, the remaining team member must dig up a key, unlock a puzzle board, and let two team members (and it’s really hard not to type “tribe members” right now) solve a flag puzzle.  First tribe to raise the correct flag puzzle wins.  This challenge draws heavily from a challenge from “Survivor Micronesia”, only this time instead of a large winch being used to drag team members back, now the team has to use brute strength.  It evens out to an ok challenge, I guess. At least the puzzle’s somewhat unique.

Like most challenges this season, it’s a close race, but the yellow team (consisting of Penner, Lisa, Denise, Malcolm, and Jeff Kent) beats out the blue team, due largely to Penner’s puzzle solving skills, so all five go off to enjoy barbeque ribs and cornbread.

Back at camp, meanwhile, Abi-Maria and Carter get into a discussion about old alliances, which somehow gets everyone riled up.  Pete later tries to calm Abi-Maria down, warning her of her temper, but Abi-Maria just shakes him off, just like everybody else who tries to give her good advice.  In his interview, Pete berates himself for making an alliance with her.  Well, it’s about TIME you owned up to it.

Penner, however, is not one to waste an opportunity away from camp to simply enjoy himself when he’s on the outs.  Given what a good rapport the five have, Penner talks about forming a fivesome, bringing Skupin in as the sixth, and taking out everyone else.  As added incentive, Penner tries (not very convincingly in my opinion) to convince the others that he can’t possibly win in the finals, and so ought to be brought along.  It’s not the greatest attempt, but given his bargaining position, it’s the best he can do right now, and I admire him for being willing to do whatever he can to keep himself in the game.

Penner’s not the only one strategizing, though, as Lisa is sanctifying her proverbial deal with the devil by telling Skupin about Malcolm’s idol, saying that she’ll spill the beans to save Skupin in the event that Penner wins immunity.  Conveniently enough, Penner comes strolling up at that exact moment (as Skupin is Penner’s only ally at this point) boasting about how he’ll win immunity this time, and wants to rub it in everyone’s face, Jeff Kent in particular.  So, with the drama now firmly and obviously established it’s CHALLENGE TIME!

I was hoping that given the sort of “meh” reward challenge that the immunity challenge would be an exciting, balls-to-the-wall, epic challenge, but nope, we get Generic McBland-Challenge.  It’s yet another early “Head-over-and-under-wood-obstacles-collecting-3-bags-of-puzzle-pieces-and-the-first-3-to-the-end-solve-the-puzzle” challenge that “Survivor” is fond of, due to its simplicity.  If it weren’t for the tension about Penner winning immunity or not, this would be a very ignorable challenge.  The one thing it has going for it is that it has a ray of hope for Penner, but is not easy for him.  If he makes the puzzle stage, he’s almost guaranteed a win, but there are a lot of physical guys this season, so Penner’s making the final round is not a guarantee.

Before I get to the results, let me discuss tension on “Survivor”.  Tension in an episode can come from two main sources: Strategizing or Winning Challenges.  Admittedly there is a third category in which an episode has no tension, but that’s pretty self-explanatory, so I won’t discuss it here.  Strategizing is normally the better choice for creating tension, as it lasts (usually) all the way through the episode, and is somewhat unpredictable.  Unfortunately, given how often it is just misdirection, and the obvious result is what happens (particularly in more recent seasons), a lot of fans have become cynical of this, thus eliminating some of the tension, and leaving us with our only alternative source: a person on the chopping block winning immunity.  Now, while this can be a good edition to any story, making it the driving source of tension for your episode (as this episode does) is a bit of a risk.  If the person wins immunity, then you get scrambling for tribal, and thus more tension, often making for an excellent episode.  If that person does not (which, as law of probability states, is very likely) you get a boring flop of an episode, as you blow all your tension at the immunity challenge.

It does make for a tense challenge, though, as Penner just barely edges out Skupin for the coveted third spot with Jeff Kent and Pete.  Even then, it seems he might fail, as Penner of all people falters.  Amazingly, he makes a comeback from dead last to a very decisive victory, which I’m very happy about until Penner’s celebration leads him to commit bestiality!  You all saw him kiss that snake puzzle, he’s obviously in love with it!  God, how perverted!

A part of me does have to wonder, though, that since Penner is so good at puzzles, did he purposefully hold off on the first part of the puzzle just to rub it in people’s faces more when he won?

Sure enough, this makes for drama and scrambling back at the camp.  Malcolm wastes no time in quoting Murphy’s law, and telling us to get ready.

Mr. Cobra?  King Cobra, sir? You’re needed on set for your cameo!

In all honesty, this part is fun to watch, though confusing.  First it seems like Skupin is going to get the boot, but that angers Lisa!  She pulls the trigger and spills the beans to Pete about Malcolm’s idol in an attempt to blindside Malcolm!  Pete is suspicious but wants to double check with Malcolm, who vehemently denies it!  Somehow Malcolm’s obvious nervousness makes Pete believe him!  I know I’d see it as very suspicious, but this is Pete after all!  So now things are back to Skupin, right?  No, now Lisa want’s Jeff Kent gone, a plan Penner is totally on board with.  But Jeff Kent may have finally seen the error of his ways, and wants to reunite the old Matsing and Kalabaw to take out the old Tandang, starting with Pete!  And now Carter is telling Jeff Kent that Jeff Kent is supposed to go home tonight!  Carter, everything you think does not have to come out of your mouth!  And to top it all off, I’m fairly certain that in a back room somewhere, Colonel Mustard is doing Professor Plum in with a candlestick.

One other thing I’m certain of as we head off to tribal is that Jeff Kent is most likely going home.  Still, in all the confusion, we’ll have to wait and see.

Tribal is a charged affair, with both Abi-Maria and Malcolm displaying their idols (Lisa having blown the whistle on Malcolm), with the latter swearing that he’ll play it tonight, and Lisa trying desperately to reunite the old Tandang.  Abi-Maria even tries to buddy up, blatantly lying that she accepted Lisa from day one.  And now my mother disowns me for my typing “day one”.

Following Lisa’s plea for a united Tandang, Penner, in one last attempt to better his position, tries to rally an uncertain six around him to take out Pete.  Going into voting, I still think Jeff Kent is gone, but it’s all too confusing.  As are the votes, I still can’t tell who voted for whom exactly.  It seems that Lisa is the big winner as Jeff Kent goes home, and I have, for the first time this season, mixed feeling about the boot.  As a Penner supporter, I want his Judas to suffer, but on the other hand, for all that his moves were stupid, Jeff did actually change up the game, which helped make for somewhat more exciting episodes, and in that regard, I will miss him.  I will not, however, miss having to type “Jeff Kent” to distinguish him from Probst.

Jeff Kent (the name just won’t go away) uses his exit interview to get a dig in at Obama.  How timely.  DUDE, YOU”RE STUCK WITH HIM FOR ANOTHER 4 YEARS, AND EVEN AFTER TAXES YOU STILL HAVE PLENTY OF MONEY!  DEAL WITH IT!

I have to admit, the way this shakes out, LISA of all people is in the best position!  Should make for an interesting next episode.

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.