Please note that the following blog does not contain the actual words, thoughts, opinions, or attitude of John Cochran, nor is it in any way officially endorsed by John Cochran. Unless, of course, he decides to “Like” it, or otherwise express his approval, in which case this will be one of the happiest days of my life.
MATT: Welcome to “SurvivorCenter”, the new home of my knee-jerk opinion that everyone’s entitled to! Well, after my mysterious absence last week, I’m back, and to make it up to you, I’ve decided to call in a guest commentator, who’ll help me with the play-by-play for this episode. Yes, he’s the Sultan of Snark, the man who INSISTS on commenting on EVERY SINGLE MOVE potentially made this episode, please welcome tonight’s star player, JOHN COCHRAN!
COCHRAN: Thanks for having me on the show. Nice to be able to relax for once. So much stress out there, you wouldn’t believe.
MATT: You mean like sunburn?
COCHRAN: No, I mean like idiocy. Honestly, a lot of these suggested moves tonight pale in comparison to the elegant majesty of my moves.
MATT: I probably should have added “humble” to my description earlier. But we’re not here to make lazy, forced banter are we Cochran?
COCHRAN: No, Matt, we’re here to talk “Survivor”. Ah, I see that Coach Probst is on the field now, explaining the rules, and reminding us, once again, that Eddie Fox and Reynold Toepfer are on the outs.
MATT: Not too surprising that you’ve outflanked them at every maneuver, Cochran. The pair of them combined have the approximate brainpower of a sea cucumber.
COCHRAN: And believe me, that’s being too generous!
(The pair laugh).
MATT: I gotta admit, Cochran, while it was a bold move for you to eject Malcolm Freeberg from the game last week, and probably the smartest move for you and your team at that time, it is a bit disappointing, purely from a viewer’s perspective. While Malcolm hasn’t been such a fan favorite this time around, he still brought a pretty damn good game, whereas I just want Eddie and Reynold off the field before halftime.
COCHRAN: Well, you’ll get half your wish, Matt, tonight’s a rare “Survivor Double-Feature”. Two send offs for the price of one!
MATT: Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Cochran, we’ve still got Reynold’s opening play happening here.
COCHRAN: I see he’s favoring the “Terry Deitz Gambit”, not that he has much of a choice.
MATT: Yes, the maneuver nearly perfected by Terry of “Survivor Exile Island”, in which one wins immunity all the way to the end. A very risky strategy, but given the field Reynold’s playing on at this point, I don’t see him as having much of a choice.
COCHRAN: Yes indeed, Matt, and it’s just the way I planned it. We’ve got it so no matter what he and Eddie do, I win.
MATT: Quite clever. But I see that Andrea’s still insisting on some last-minute strategizing by the sidelines.
COCHRAN: Oh, it’s her usual wishy-washy talk, saying how happy she’ll be once Reynold’s gone. Nothing to get worked up over tonight.
MATT: Ah, alright then, and just in time, too. Our First Immunity Challenge is getting dragged onto the field, complete with pool. And, oh joy, it’s a challenge similar to ones we’ve seen before.
COCHRAN: You forget, Matt, my knowledge of “Survivor” is nearly as Encyclopedic as yours. If I’ve got this right, this is a combination of the small foothold challenge of “Survivor Fiji”, and the stand-on-the-water-square challenge of “Survivor Marquesas”, thus making this technically a reused challenge, and we all know your opinion on those, Matt.
MATT: Yes, all season long we’ve had these, but this one is particularly notable, Cochran.
COCHRAN: How so?
MATT: I don’t hate it.
COCHRAN: (gasp) Why not?!
MATT: Well, both of them are challenges we haven’t seen in a while, particularly the part from “Survivor Marquesas”, and while the “Survivor Fiji” challenge has been reused a few times over the years, this incarnation sets it apart by upping the difficulty. I’ve always thought that particular challenge was cruel and unusual, but removing the handholds, thus making it all about balance, and making the platform unsteady is nothing short of sadistic! Just for cruelty potential, I’m going to give this challenge a pass.
COCHRAN: You’ve got the “cruel” part right, Matt. My thighs are still killing me.
MATT: So we’ve got a good, old-fashioned endurance challenge, fairly straightforward, should be good fun, with few surprises.
COCHRAN: Wait, Matt, Coach Probst is making some sort of signal from behind the water cooler.
MATT: It can’t be…
COCHRAN: TEMPTATIONS! We have temptations everybody! First out of the gate is the old standby of donuts!
MATT: This is one of the most commonly taken temptations… Yep, there go Erik Reichenbach and Eddie, diving in as a team for sweet, delicious donuts. I’m making myself hungry just doing this commentary.
COCHRAN: Interesting maneuver by Erik, there, given that he’s partially remembered for being a physical threat. Clearly he’s changing up his game this time around, Matt, you haven’t been giving him enough credit.
MATT: Absolutely right. Here we see that Erik has learned from his past mistakes, and is trying to seem like less of a physical threat this time, as well as make it so that he’s always the swing on every vote. He’s not the same lovable idiot we saw back in “Survivor Micronesia”, and I haven’t acknowledged that. So Erik, you’ve improved a great deal. Eddie, on the other hand, seems to be getting dumber with each episode. Eddie must know, even with his lack of brain cells, that he’s a target, Cochran, so why’d he jump? Just hungry?
COCHRAN: No Matt. This challenge favors those with lower centers of gravity. Given the size of Reynold’s pecs (pulls up image of Reynold’s pecs with a line showing their width), I’d say this challenge doesn’t favor him at all. Eddie’s banking on being more likeable than Reynold, and thus being kept around. It also makes him seem weak, so it’s not entirely a bad strategy.
MATT: Then again, if Reynold does win, Eddie’s screwed himself out of a potential million dollars for a few donuts.
COCHRAN: Good point, Matt. Maybe he is just an idiot.
MATT: Wait, Probst is pulling another temptation out of the dugout… YES! It’s hot dogs and soda!
COCHRAN: (burps) Still tastes good.
MATT: Yes, a very brazen step off, particularly given your boast last week about being the new challenge dominator. What prompted that?
COCHRAN: Well, the thing about being a challenge dominator, is that it makes you a target, and I want to avoid being a target at all costs. Besides, my legs were really killing me, and all that matters at this point is that Reynold DOESN’T win immunity. I don’t really care WHO wins it.
MATT: Come on, Cochran, this is a confrontational sports show! Our opinions must be diametrically opposite on everything! Give me something to work with!
COCHRAN: SPLASH! There go Dawn and Sherri. No huge surprise there, but Reynold’s still making an impressive effort.
MATT: I’m more interested in the effort downfield. You’ll notice that Eddie is seated on one side of the bench, and everyone else out at this point is cuddled up on the other. I’m sure, though, that this means absolutely nothing.
COCHRAN: Whoa, man, you’ve gotta shift back upfield! Reynold just took a major nosedive, thus cementing my plans.
MATT: Correct, no one can outflank you now. Most likely Andrea Boehkle and Brenda Lowe will just gracefully bow out, and…
COCHRAN: Wait a minute, they seem to be playing on!
MATT: Going the old “honor of winning” route, I see. Nothing major or interesting there.
COCHRAN: I’m not sure that’s it. Andrea’s been one of the most insecure players this game, she may want to win for her own reasons.
MATT: You may be right there Cochran, but she’s still wheeling and dealing. Oh, she just made a deal to let Brenda read the idol clue if she wins.
COCHRAN: Brenda won’t have any of that, though, Matt. For all that she’s been quiet this time around, she’s still quite the competitor.
MATT: Yes, that’s for sure, and… WHAT’S THIS? They’re making their own rules up to speed the game along! It’s all on one leg now! As if this challenge wasn’t difficult enough.
COCHRAN: Andrea seems to be doing the smart thing, and keeping her leg under her, while Brenda’s got it extended out for some crazy reason. That may just be the breaker in this game.
MATT: Indeed. There goes Brenda into the drink, and this means we should get a straightforward play of Reynold going home, and Andrea’s paranoia assuaged.
COCHRAN: The play might happen, but Andrea calming down won’t. She’s a free-thinker, which means she can’t stop considering options, which perpetuates paranoia.
MATT: Ah yes. Strangely enough she’s holding true to her idol clue sharing promise. She’s even going one step further and sharing it with the rest of the team.
COCHRAN: Yep, so once again, we get into “idol finding” formation. God, this is my biggest embaressment of the night.
MATT: The whole team is in position. Erik makes his move. HE’S GOT THE IDOL!
COCHRAN: FUMBLE! The idol goes to Andrea. I still can’t believe that. He just LET the person we trust the least get the idol.
MATT: For all that he’s changed, he’s still loyal to a fault. That may be his undoing.
COCHRAN: It certainly won’t be Reynold. The man’s not even trying.
MATT: Like I said. Sea Cucumber. Well, what’s tonight’s misdirection play for your team, Cochran?
COCHRAN: Andrea, obviously. She’s set herself against Brenda, though in my opinion it’s more out of her own paranoia and desire to make big moves than any sense. Brenda is KIND OF a physical threat, but no more so than the other guys, and we’ve let far too many votes get away from us.
MATT: I feel you, man. I’m not buying it either.
COCHRAN: What happened to our opinions needing to be diametrically opposed?
MATT: …Let’s just cut to Tribal.
COCHRAN: Yep, no surprises at Tribal. Dawn Meehan does make a huge error, though, and admits that she’s lied in this game, and is untrustworthy.
MATT: But Cochran, you make the same mistake later in the game.
COCHRAN:… Oh look! The vote is split.
MATT: That play seemed a little odd to me. You know where the idol is, why split the vote.
COCHRAN: Just an extra safety measure, in case TWO idols were hidden somehow. You can never be too secure in this game. Good to cover all the options.
MATT: Well, as expected the play goes for Reynold. But hey, maybe the game will pick up in the second half. Join us after the break for more “Survivor Center”.
(Theme song plays)
(Fade in)
MATT: Welcome back to “Survivor Center”, I’m here with my guest commentator, John Cochran. Now Cochran, the action’s already started down below, with Andrea still on the warpath, making plays towards Brenda and Dawn.
COCHRAN: A big mistake on her part, Matt. Brenda was one thing, but Dawn’s my close ally, the one I’d like to go to the end with. I just can’t let that happen. Of course, I immediately spill the beans to Brenda and Dawn, and between them and Sherri Beithman, even Erik could flip, and we’d still have the majority.
MATT: Too right, but one thing does bug me a bit, Cochran. Why does Andrea keep coming to you to strategize, when you’ve become one of the biggest threats in the game?
COCHRAN: All part of my strategy.
MATT: And what good strategy it is. Ah, I see our next challenge is on the field, and it’s yet another mediocre rehash, just taking elements from challenges of “Survivor Vanuatu” and combining them. While it is difficult, I’m just tired of challenges like these, and what we get overall is average at best. Cochran, I’m tired of it, please just explain how the challenge works.
COCHRAN: Certainly. (Pulls down diagram of challenge, and draws arrows on it as he talks) Tribe members start here on this platform, jump into the ocean, and drag a small buoy through a ropes course to a key. Then they must untie said key, use it to open a crate containing 10 ladder rungs, and use said rungs to make a ladder. First to climb said ladder, and raise a flag on top of another platform, wins.
MATT: Simple, to be sure, and Erik, despite fumbling the puzzle, seems to make short order of it.
COCHRAN: Yes, he wins handily, which is good for my team. Although Probst has to go into mocking maneuver, reminding Erik of the gaffe he made the last time he had immunity.
MATT: Wow, cruel move there, Probst, though to be fair, it was a very funny moment.
COCHRAN: I remember it well. But we’ve got bigger plays happening now. Andrea is STILL gunning for Brenda.
MATT: Woman just doesn’t know when to give up.
COCHRAN: Of course, we immediately move to get her out. She’s just too volatile, and too good a strategist.
MATT: I wouldn’t even call her that. While she is at least DOING something, which is more than I can say for Eddie, she’s got no direction. I can see what she wants to do, which is to screw the alliance before it screws her, but she’s targeting completely the wrong person. That’s not competent strategy, that’s just desperation.
COCHRAN: Too true. Even Erik’s misdirection play seems half-assed. There’s no way our plan to take out Andrea will fail.
MATT: Even though you made the “I can’t be trusted” gaffe at Tribal Council.
COCHRAN: I was cocky.
MATT: Well, hopefully it won’t come back to bite you in the next episode. At least you came out on top this time. Andrea is gone, and for now, you’re still in control.
COCHRAN: My finest gameplay thus far.
MATT: Right. Well, Cochran, that’s all the time we have for today. Thanks a lot for joining me.
COCHRAN: Hey, thanks for having me.
MATT: Folks, I’m Matt, and THIS has been “Survivor Center”!
(Fade to black).
Title Credit to Jean Storrs.
idolspeculation 
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