Idol Speculation: “Survivor Caramoan” Episode 13: A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts

They’re coming to take me away, ha-ha, ho-ho, hee-hee!  Seriously, that song’s been running through my head ever since the episode ended, and for good reason.  This season has been on a steady upswing since the merge, I would hardly deny that.  What with all the strategy, and getting rid of all the crazy people, the only way TO go is up.  But even with all the scrambling, and all the blindsides, this is, bar none, the BEST episode of the season.  It had everything, it had emotion, it had drama, it had misdirection (albeit misdirection that didn’t work too well, but it wasn’t completely transparent), it had scheming, it had just about everything a “Survivor” fan could want in an episode.  Well, ok, a “Survivor” fan could want a truly original challenge, but that’s par for the course by this point, and it’s really too late for this season to redeem itself in my eyes, challenge-wise.  Let’s take a closer look at everything there is to love about this episode.

Our first clip, besides an emaciated Erik (more on that in the next couple paragraphs), is a blatant demonstration of why having Eddie still in the game is an insult.  For all that I’ve trashed good looking males with muscles rather than brains in the past, I admit that I can understand their niche, and maybe I’ve given them a hard time.  However, Eddie commits the cardinal sin of “Survivor”: failing to try.  Yes, his interview talks all about how if he doesn’t win immunity, he’s screwed.  I admit, this is an apt summary of the situation, but Eddie, at least TRY to do something.  If you’re going to go down, go down fighting.  Strategize, check all angles, however unlikely they may be to work, but at least TRY it. Dear God, even REYNOLD did more than you, and all he really did was look for the idol!  That, above all, is what makes Eddie a terrible character, a terrible player, and an insult to good strategists and characters everywhere.  The ONLY reason he’s still around is that everyone realizes he’s a patsy they can eliminate at any time (barring an immunity win), but the man should still be ashamed of his apathy.

He will, at least, consent to CONFIRM how royally screwed he is with this season’s puppet master, Cochran. Cochran is more than happy to oblige, but then does the smart thing of asking Eddie, if he wins, who he’d try and vote out.  This makes the other person feel like they have some control, like they’ve got a shot, like they’re smart, and opens up the possibility of a new alliance.  Not to mention, you would have someone on the jury who thinks slightly better of you.  In short, this is a golden opportunity for Eddie to pull himself out of the hole in this game, perhaps suggesting they vote for Erik, as he’s a physical threat, and also likeable.

Eddie, strategic mastermind that he is, takes this opportunity and crushes it into the sand, by telling Cochran that HE will likely get Eddie’s vote, should he win immunity.  Where to begin with the stupidity of that statement?  How about that you’ve just shown your hand to the enemy, not to mention making them offended, and wary of you?  Perhaps it would be best to begin with the strategic doors you’ve just closed, or just how blatantly you’ve set a key player in your destruction on their guard.  Words cannot express just how DUMB of a move this was.  I still agree with the vote out tonight, but I am SICKENED that EDDIE of all people has made the Final 5.  Just EUGH!

For all of Eddie’s stupidity, he at least has enough sense to be prophetic about strategy this episode.  It gives the editors a good tie-in to the strategizing going on in the ocean.  As promised by the preview, Brenda talks to Dawn about the possibility of eliminating Cochran, saying that after Eddie is gone (or if he wins immunity), she, Erik, and Dawn can band together to eliminate the strategic and social threat.  I have to admit, while I’m rooting for Cochran, this does make sense.  Cochran’s been playing an AMAZING game this season, and he’s still somehow well-liked, even by the people he’s voted out.  He is a real threat to win, and anyone with sense SHOULD probably go for him.  Also, Brenda is FINALLY doing something!  Good on you Brenda, only took you 13 episodes to finally put your brain back in!  Still, given the pattern of this season, you’d think that Brenda would have learned to do better.  Corinne tells her plan to Dawn, Corinne is eliminated.  Malcolm tells his plan to Dawn, Malcolm’s plan is foiled, Malcolm is eliminated.  Frankly I’m sensing a pattern here, and it does hold true tonight, but at least Dawn misdirects us that she might flip on the plan.  Good for Dawn, she’s finally getting some REAL up front strategic chops.  Her decision is a tough one, I’ll grant you.  Cochran would be tough to beat in the finals, and cost her the game last time, so it might be in her best interest to flip. Also, while Sherri might seem good cannon fodder for the finals, she COULD pull out the “I’m the last fan standing” card (assuming she goes with Dawn and Cochran), which might make her a threat.  On the other hand, is she really better off with Erik and Brenda?  They are both fairly well-liked, even if they’re not the greatest strategically, and they haven’t betrayed anybody, whereas Dawn has.  It’s a tough call, to say the least.  Personally, my judgment, if I were her, would be to go with Erik and Brenda, because there, at least, you can make the argument of “I was more strategic than these two”, whereas Cochran has you beat on both fronts.  Still, it could go either way, and surprisingly, I think Dawn will have a hard time winning against anybody (more on that at the end of the blog).

A vote of Cochran might drive Erik to the finals, but a lack of food is driving Erik crazy, so much so that he believes he is Tom Hanks, and the coconuts are talking to him.  Specifically, they are laughing at him, mocking him for his hunger, and singing “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts!”  Ok, maybe I made that last one up, but it wasn’t too far off what would have happened, had Erik’s hunger continued.  I still find the guy funny, but he’s going stark-raving nuts out there!  He even thinks he’s back on “Survivor Micronesia” at one point, trying to emulate Ozzy, aka Challenge Jesus (“Survivor Cook Islands”), and climb up a palm tree that is WAY too dangerous to climb up, particularly when one is literally starving.

Thankfully, Erik’s sensible mind (at least, as much as ever existed) prevails, and he comes down, safe and coconut-less.  He’s rewarded, though, as his hunger is assuaged.  Not by food, of course, that would be too easy, but by a Sprint phone, which everyone immediately realizes means loved ones.  Does anyone besides me miss the days when the Sprint phone was a surprise, and people didn’t know what it meant?  You know, when the loved ones challenge was actually kept a bit under wraps?  Give me back those days.  I understand that CBS needs to plug the sponsors, but come up with some kind of new twist on this, the video thing is getting old.

We arrive at the challenge to find out, shock horror, that it’s a loved one’s challenge.  We get to meet Dawn’s husband Dave, Erik’s brother Richard, Eddie’s dad Ed (see my “Survivor Philippines” blogs for my opinion on people who name their children after themselves), Cochran’s mom Arlene, Sherri’s husband Jared, and Brenda’s dad Raymond.  I give Brenda’s dad special mention because I should have liked their reunion.  It was small, but genuine and touching, and it even made Jeff Probst cry, supposedly, though I couldn’t see any tears, nor did I find this a particularly emotional reunion.  However, I can’t help but dislike the guy, for one simple reason: HE’S why Brenda has been a non-entity up until this episode! If their meeting is to be believed, his advice to Brenda before the end of the game was “Be Humble.”  Well, Brenda has certainly taken that advice to heart, and I can’t deny it’s logical given how she left “Survivor Nicaragua”, and it has certainly improved her standing in the game, but the advice was “Be Humble”, not “Be Invisible”.  She may be playing better, in a sense, but she’s become boring as all get out.

The only other note I have about the loved ones is that I’m disappointed that Erik didn’t say “That’s Jeff Probst!  He’s just standing there!” again.  That was one of my favorite Erik moments, and I was looking forward to seeing it play out.

Thankfully, the families actually bring something good to the table: a semi-new challenge!  Alright it takes elements from the spinning wheel challenge and “throw the balls at the tree” challenge, both of “Survivor One World” (and if you read my blog where I rank the seasons, you would understand why I’m amazed that you’d want to copy ANYTHING of “Survivor One World”), but the spinning thing is actually adapted, and it’s a new combination of challenges, so I’ll take what I can get.  Basically, everyone and their loved one spins around 3 bamboo shoots to remove them from a pole, and place them on a pair of bamboo stilts.  Once all 3 are placed, the contestants or their loved ones throw balls on strings (they had a proper name, but I’ve forgotten it in the excitement of the episode as a whole), with the first to land 3 balls winning a barbecue on the sea with their loved one, tantalizingly in sight of the camp.  Alright, seems like your average loved ones segment, but still pretty solid.

Cochran and his mom take a verbal lashing from Probst (as do a few other pairs, but Cochran’s the only one who stands up for his loved one), and Brenda and her dad pull out a narrow victory.  Not too surprising, but a nice, tense outcome.  Yep, there’s Probst asking who she’d like to take on the reward with her.  She chooses Dawn.  Good choice for Brenda, Dawn was particularly emotional about seeing her husband, and if you want to make an alliance with her, this is a good time to strategize/butter her up.  And now, here’s Probst opening his mouth to tell Brenda to pick one other person to go with her, and since she’s not a moron, she’ll logically say Erik, so she can get some strategizing done, and… wait, why is Probst pulling out another Sprint phone, they’ve already got their plug in for the episode…

HOLY SHIT!

In case it wasn’t obvious, I LOVE what’s happened here.  Yes, for the first time in a while, they’re changing up the loved ones twist, and I couldn’t be happier about it.  It turns out that everyone has TWO loved ones on the island now, Eddie’s mom, Cochran’s dad, Erik’s other brother, Sherri’s son, Brenda’s sister, and Dawn’s… ok, I feel really bad here, but in the awesomeness of the twist, I’ve completely forgotten who Dawns other loved one was.  The catch is that at this stage, with now TWO loved ones on the line, Brenda can give up the reward for both her and Dawn, and let the other 4 see all of their loved ones, or keep it for her and Dawn, and choose one other person to come with them.  Now, we’ve seen this kind of twist before, in a sense, with the “give up your visit so others can have their visit” idea, but this plays with it, and takes it in a bit of a different direction.  You see, now Brenda’s not just giving it up for herself, but she’s also controlling Dawn’s fate, and giving up for her.  Yes, by making a decision, Brenda could hurt Dawn.  Emotional, borderline psychotic, potentially ally Dawn (do you get which way I’m leaning yet?).  On the other hand, if Brenda KEEPS the reward, and picks, say, Erik to go with them, that leaves 3 very irritated people back at camp.  This is EXACTLY what I want in a twist.  It build upon the established game, comes right out of nowhere, and adds new layers of strategy never before considered.  Admittedly, when I first saw it, I thought it was actually something of an unfair twist (once I’d gotten over the shock).  You see, normally you’re required to give up the reward in these scenarios, because otherwise you look like a jerk, but this reward choice HAS no good scenarios.  You can keep it, and have 2 people really like you, and 3 people dislike you, or you can give it up, have 4 people like you, but one person absolutely hate your guts.  To be SO CLOSE to a reward, particularly one such as this, and then have it snatched from you grasp, is just about the cruelest punishment that can be inflicted at this stage of the game.  But then I thought “Since when is ‘Survivor’ fair?”, and it occurred to me that it’s not actually FORCING you to make someone hate you.  Unlike other times where this choice has occurred, it’s not social suicide to keep the reward.  True, you have 3 people who dislike you, but it’s a mild dislike, and half the tribe still likes you.  Compared to having someone hate you for tantalizing them with reward, it might actually be the better option.  In any case, it changed up the loved one’s challenge, making it, in my opinion, one of the best ever.

But enough gushing, did Brenda make the right move?  Normally, I would say yes, ALWAYS give up the family reward if everyone else gets it, but in this case, I think Brenda made the wrong move.  More than emotional support, Brenda needed this reward to strategize with Dawn and Erik, which she could have done by taking both of them on reward with her, and still had half the tribe like her.  Moreover, giving up the reward REALLY pissed off Dawn, which may have contributed to her decision tonight.  So, in Brenda’s case, I think it was a bad move, but in fairness, it was sprung on her at the last minute, and there was no perfect option to choose from.  Both had their downsides.

So people party, Dawn mopes, and Brenda tries to cheer her up.  The happy mood is broken by who else but this season’s major strategist, Cochran, who points out that Brenda might be harder to beat in the finals now, and that SHE might be the target it Eddie can win the immunity.

Speaking of immunity, it’s CHALLENGE TIME!  Yes, it seems that this is the “Hearken Back to ‘Survivor One World’” episode, as we get an immunity challenge straight out of it.  Standing on a log, and holding a flying fox behind their back, tribe members are slowly lowered over the water until they fall off, last one standing wins.  I didn’t like this challenge back when it first aired, and I still don’t like it.  They even removed the one GOOD element from it: the cool-looking torture wheel, replacing it with a captain’s wheel.  It’s not a TERRIBLE challenge, I should say, just not one that’s very enjoyable or memorable.

This is a challenge that favors women, so it’s no surprise that Cochran, Eddie, and Erik are out first, though I’ll admit I though Eddie would hang in longer.  In the one good bit of misdirection tonight, I was actually convinced that Eddie would win immunity tonight.  It just seemed, with all the potential strategizing, that having him vulnerable would be an anticlimax.  So, while it probably was obvious in hindsight, I’ll give the edit team this round.

Sherri drops next, and then Dawn tries to talk out a deal with Brenda, as Dawn hasn’t had immunity yet.  Brenda turns her down, but drops out later anyway, leading Probst to erroneously claim that this is Dawn’s first individual win.  Wow, Probst, you call yourself a “Survivor” fan?  Dawn was one of the people who won the first individual immunity challenge on “Survivor South Pacific”.  Between this and claiming Ben Browning (“Survivor Samoa”) was the first person to be thrown out of a challenge, I’m really starting to doubt your credentials.  Good for Dawn, though.  Brenda takes away from the victory by admitting that she could have held on longer, had Eddie still been in the challenge.

IRONY ALERT!  IRONY ALERT!  WE’RE REACHING TOXIC LEVELS!  PLEASE EVACUSTE THE BLOG ASAP!

Yes, if that confessional didn’t tip you off, the conclusion is pretty much set in stone at this point, but how we get there is interesting.  It should be straightforward to vote Eddie off, but Cochran has a good idea that Brenda is plotting against him (which is later confirmed by Dawn), and so makes the logical move of getting tight with Sherri, and urging Dawn to stay loyal.  Dawn is still conflicted but not opposed to the idea of eliminating Brenda.

Dawn makes what I would consider the worse of the two moves (though, like with Brenda’s reward choice, neither one is really good), but does solidify herself for the final 3 by sending Brenda home.  I have to admit, I was scared by Brenda’s little speech to the remaining 5 when she left, and she seemed very put out about it, to say the least.  I think we have our bitter juror for the season, folks.  That said, I’m a bit disappointed that she went, because she was finally coming into the excellent strategy I remember her for, but overall, for what she gave us this season, she wasn’t a bad choice.

So we’ve got our setup for the finals, and I’m pretty excited, not in the least because my man Cochran looks to be in a good position to win it all, which I would LOVE.  Plus, with all the drama this season, we should have an electrifying finale.  I thought that I wouldn’t talk about people’s odds of winning this time, because it seemed straightforward, but looking at things now, I actually do want to talk about them a bit, just because the order is something I think you wouldn’t expect.  Keep in mind that the order I show these people’s odds of winning at is ASSUMING they make the finals, not their odds of actually getting to the finals.  So, in the order of finals lethalness, the castaways:

Eddie: For all that this goofball doesn’t deserve to be there, if he gets to the finals, he wins.  He hasn’t betrayed anybody, he’s been an underdog this whole time, and he’s got a lot of friends on the jury.  Unless this is a particularly open-minded jury, and wants to see a strategist win, Eddie is lethal in the finals.

Cochran: A bit surprising, given how disliked he was last season, but Cochran seems to be a favorite of the jury.  He’s played a hard game, but not a malicious one, and is probably the most improved of any Favorite left.  As long as he can get rid of Eddie (and possibly Erik), he’s most likely going to win.

Erik: Erik has a chance.  He’s a bit like Eddie, in that he hasn’t stepped on any toes, and is fairly likeable.  However, Erik has coasted more than Eddie has (i.e., he hasn’t been to many tribal councils, and hasn’t been in danger like Eddie), and unless you have a really bitter jury that doesn’t care, Erik will have to convince them that he’s done some strategizing this season.

Sherri: Sherri has an uphill battle ahead of her.  While she came out early as a stronger strategist than I gave her credit for in the beginning, and I admit she must have SOMETHING going for her to still be around, she hasn’t done much, at least that anyone on the jury has seen, and of those who have (Michael, Reynold, and Eddie), only Michael is really predisposed to like her.  Now, she COULD win if she pulls a “last fan standing” card (assuming Eddie goes home), but most likely, she’s going to have a rough time.

Dawn: Surprisingly, for how likeable she is, Dawn I think is the best one to take to the finals.  Dawn’s strategy this season has been to make friends with everybody, so she can control the game, which is a good strategy in a sense, but Dawn’s done it too well.  Most people on the jury feel a personal connection to Dawn, and so feel the most hurt by her votes.  She might be able to turn it around if she could play the “master strategist” card, but other people left have her beat on that front.  Sad to say, but I just don’t think Dawn can win with who’s left.

The only other thing I’ll say about this episode is that I was going to do a “Top 5 and Bottom 5” of loved one’s visits, but there’ll probably be one next week, and I don’t want to wear myself out.  Besides, there’s only so many categories I can do for “Top 5 and Bottom 5”, so I ought to use them sparingly.  Rest assured, though, that when I do the list someday, this one will be near the top.

As to next week, I’m looking forward to it.  The only problem the Cochran-Sherri-Dawn alliance has is that Erik and Eddie could both go on winning streaks to the end.  Fortunately, the remaining challenges are probably endurance, which men generally aren’t good at, and one of them may be medevaced, making for the latest medevac ever in the game (though not the latest visit from the medical team).  Surprisingly, I think Erik will go.  I suspect the poor guy really is malnourished, and just can’t continue.  So, will this mean another Final 2, or will the alliance just be spared a vote?  Find out soon enough!

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor One World” Episode 7: Troyzan, Lord of the Shapes

Apologies for the relative lateness of the blog, a family gathering I rather wanted to partake in prevented me from starting to write immediately after the episode.  For the record, this was begun at 10:04 P.M., when events are still fairly fresh in my mind.

Following off the whirlwind that was the previous tribal council, we find that the castaways are about as confused as we are, and with reactions as varied.  Troyzan gives us the usual “new game” speech where he praises the fact that he’s playing an individual game.  Given that he’s in the majority alliance (currently the new Salani), he’s got reason to feel this way.  Less thrilled is Alicia, who, with no idol and virtually no alliance, sees her only recourse as going back to the women and trying to reinstate girl power around camp.  Given how paranoid you made them about the idol, Alicia, I’d call that a long shot at best.  If they think you have the idol and you don’t produce (a physical impossibility, barring that Alicia makes a fake idol, in which case all they’d have to do is put hers and Kim’s side by side and note the obvious differences to detect a fake) your ass is, as they say, “grass”.

Up next is the thing I’ve been angry about this whole season, so I’m sure you’re ready to hear me address it, so here it is: they finally have a full intro.  I know what you’re thinking.  You think I should be overjoyed, have that statement in all caps with several exclamation points on the end, and I’m not going to lie, I am happy they finally give us a full intro.  However, I have to note that they gave a full intro SEVEN EPISODES IN!  Halfway through the season and we finally get a full intro.  It’s an awful long time to wait, guys, and I think Kourtney, Nina, Matt, Bill, Monica, and Colton would have liked to be in it.  I know they were early boots, but it used to be that one guarantee of the show was that you’d get to see your name in that classic “Survivor” intro.  If I were those 6, I’d feel really disenfranchised.

Now, I can kind of see why they did it.  The way they had the intro edited, you could tell which people had switched tribes, and they didn’t want to spoil that until the merge.  However, I don’t buy this.  These people shoot HUNDREDS of hours of footage per day, and you’re telling me you can’t find about 5 seconds of footage of each person in their original tribe?  I call BS.

Intro rant over.  We get back to camp the next morning to find the all important “naming of the new tribe” ceremony.  As hotly contested as some of these debates has been (recall “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains” where I believe around a half dozen names were proposed and contested, or “Survivor All-Stars” where Alicia Calaway [“Survivor the Australian Outback”] and Amber Brkich [also “Survivor the Australian Outback”] took the time to draw up a chart of possible names) this one is very calm and quick, with Troyzan suggesting the name “Tikiano”, claiming it means “Year of the Gods”, and no one challenging it.  I have to admit, I’m not pleased with this, not because the name is particularly bad, but because it’s not good enough to wildly praise and not bad enough to make fun of.  It’s on the more ridiculous side of things, but it gives me no strong feelings one way or the other.  Given that half the point of this blog is entertainment, this annoys me.

Having settled on a name, tribe alchemist Jonas sets off to turn coconut into potato chips.  He is unsuccessful, but the results are tasty by all accounts.  Not so successful are TarZAN’s attempts at strategy.  Pulling Mike aside, TarZAN (I’m going to be sick of typing his name so often in this particular blog) tries to pull him on board for a “Guy Power” alliance, with Alicia brought on as an honorary male.  It’s alright in theory, but TarZAN doesn’t seem to have noticed that no one, not even most of the guys, much less Alicia, are on board with this.  Mike, for his part, does fake like he’s into the idea, but lets us know in an interview that there’s no way he’s going back with the people who put him on the outside.  Now if only someone taught Matt (“Survivor Redemption Island”) that lesson.

We warp to a challenge, and I’m rather surprised that it’s happening this early, as for the most part, immediately following a merge there’s only an immunity challenge, not a reward.  The usual consensus is that the merge feast is a reward, so no need for a challenge.  The producer’s have seen fit to produce one, and due to my previous disgust at the lack of reward challenges over the past couple seasons, I’m thrilled.

What I’m NOT so thrilled about is the challenge itself.  For one thing, it’s a challenge that divides the individuals into arbitrary teams, which while I don’t dislike happening every once in a while, its become too common lately, and as Troyzan said, it’s an individual game now, but this type of challenge distracts from it.  It does, however, support my theory that the producers moved the merge up after seeing the lopsidedness of the tribes, as this could easily have been a team challenge.  Another thing to dislike is the challenge itself.  My God is it plain.  A boring, unchallenging obstacle course, with a boring, unchallenging puzzle.  I should hate it for this, but who cares, it’s a reward challenge this early!  Probst offers the winning team pizza and beer, and also a mystery note to be read on the reward.

While the challenge itself is not that compelling, it was nice to see the story of the blue team’s struggle.  They initially fell very far behind due to Leif pulling himself the wrong way through a dig fence (the way he went he had no leverage) and also not carving out enough space for his butt.  Thankfully for them, a few stumbles by Sabrina on the same obstacle ties up the tribes.  Unfortunately, TarZAN puts himself on the puzzle, only to be utterly ineffectual, and then constantly deny that he’s been ineffectual.  Don’t worry, my rant on TarZAN is coming, I’m just saving it for later.

As you may have guessed, the orange team pulls out a narrow victory, and goes on reward.  After exclaiming over how good the pizza is, Alicia reads the note, informing the people present that another hidden immunity idol is in play.  I knew the producer’s wouldn’t let Colton keep it!  No, actually, this is an entirely new idol, ripe for the picking.  Of ALL the interesting interviews on this subject we could have received, we get Chelsea droning on about how bad it would be if a Manono got it.  Whether she means Manono as in “Men” or Manono as in “Switched Manono” remains to be seen.

Back at camp, more interesting things are happening, things like Jonas trying to save his own skin.  Unlike the deluded TarZAN, Jonas is fully aware that he’s in the minority alliance, and is desperately trying to pull something together, again using Mike as a potential swing vote.  Mike, whether to cause discord and enmity, or just to try and keep up the illusion that he is with them, tells Jonas what TarZAN told him.  At this, Jonas realizes that maybe forming an alliance with a volatile wild card was not the best idea, and confronts TarZAN in an attempt to corral him.  While this is something he should have done, Jonas admittedly goes about it in a very bad way, being confrontational and talking down to TarZAN.  Not exactly the way to influence people, Jonas.  Actually, we’ll see that a lot this evening: Jonas having the right idea, but not execute it well at all.

To be fair, though, TarZAN was not exactly reasonable either.  He was quick to anger, got defensive easily, and ultimately washed himself of the alliance, a move that only hurts both of them.  To add to the insanity, TarZAN admits that he never liked Jonas, which is funny, because last episode when he told Christine that he liked the entire tribe EXCEPT her, I thought Jonas was included in that.  TarZAN then tells us that when he says things from the heart, he means it, which again, is odd given his statements last episode.  Oh no, this is not my TarZAN rant either, you’ll see it in a bit.

After commercial, we see that Troyzan has gotten up early, not to work but to go idol hunting, on an “early bird” principle.  After a fairly funny scene in which Troyzan, believing to have found an idol, instead gets pinched by a crab, he succeeds, and I give him credit not only for taking the initiative, but also taking the logical step of not telling anyone.  Given that the women seem to be in power at the moment, I’d call this a good move on his part.  Admittedly, this is mired somewhat by Troyzan being Coach-like and kissing his own biceps in celebration of his awesomeness, but at least here he did something to merit it.

Oddly Troyzan, despite all promises in the pre-game interviews, has not been very Coach-like so far.  True, he’s had his moments of insanity and shameless self-promotion, but for the most part, he’s played a under-the-radar, logical, opportunistic game.  It’s not what we promised, but after so much Coach last season, I’ll take it!

Challenge Time!  Today’s challenge is brought to you by “Survivor Redemption Island”, because it truly is a season well-liked by the viewing audience!  No, actually, it’s because it’s a fairly easy challenge to produce for individual competition that is still, admittedly challenging.  It could be argued that this destroys my “Move the Merge” theory, but I would point out that challenges are built well in advance, so they probably had the majority done already, and all they had to do was to build a few extra podiums, disks, and balls, which given a few day’s lead time would be fairly easy.  Overall, it’s a boring challenge, involving balancing 3 balls on a disc for as long as possible.  While it’s boring visually, I can’t deny that it’s challenging, which I suppose makes it an ok challenge.

All bets are off as to who will win, though my money is on Leif, due to his lower center of gravity.  I’d lose, however, as Troyzan pulls out a narrow victory over Kat, who contributes the most she’s ever done to a challenge by simply standing there.  This really is Troyzan’s episode.  He’s getting some good strategy in, he found an immunity idol, and he just won a difficult immunity challenge.  Props to you, man.

Back at the camp, and Troyzan is all hunky-dory, as are the Salani 7.  Deciding who to vote off is fairly simple.  Jay and Chelsea go off to have a “Who can talk more slowly?” contest, and use it to conclude that Jonas, as the ringleader of Manono, must go.  I can’t say this is a bad choice, but for my money, I’d have gone with TarZAN for the vote.  He annoys everyone, so it brings tranquility to the tribe, it keeps around the guys who’s cooking you food, and curry’s some favor with potential jury members, as I’m fairly certain both sides want him gone.  Still, I can’t fault them the decision, as the only real problem is that everyone likes Jonas, and it would be hard to vote him off.  In this game, that doesn’t matter, and Grand High Duchess Kim’s Seal of Approval seems to end Jonas’ game.

Now we get the misdirection that I don’t believe at all.  Troyzan, deciding that playing both sides might be a good idea (in my opinion it could go either way) informs Jonas, who seems incredulous that these people would target the leader of the alliance.  Troyzan offers Jonas his full support, and for my money, I can’t figure out why.  Playing both sides is one thing, but Troyzan, this is overstepping the bounds.  This could easily come back to bite you in final tribal.

Jonas, feeling the need for more allies now the vote approaches, offers to reconcile with TarZAN who instantly agrees.  Hypocritical, yes, but there’s still MORE insanity to be had, just you wait viewing audience.  Together they formulate a strategy to vote for Kat as “they can’t think of anything better.”  This is just lazy and unconvincing.  Furthermore, they could easily come up with a better strategy.  For my money, Jonas had a good idea in targeting Mike, as he was on the outs with the Salani 7, still got rid of a guy, and was a physical threat.  Why he didn’t go to Salani and propose this compromise, I have no idea.

Tribal will have to wait, however, TarZAN has wardrobe issues.  Specifically a brown stain on his underwear making everyone believe he has shit himself, and no one wanting to wash their clothes with his.  Yet, in an effort to conserve water, he slips his undies in with a load of Chelsea’s wash.  She politely requests that he remove it, which he initially does, which could have been the end of it, but no, TarZAN puts it back in, making the (admittedly correct) argument that the hot water will kill any bacteria.

Alright, TarZAN rant time: THE MAN IS INSANE!  We’ve had a lot of insane castaways these days, and this episode cements TarZAN as a member of those ranks.  The man changes his mind for reasons no one can comprehend, goes off all angry at the weirdest things, and insists on forcing issues that are best left alone.  The real kicker for me is that he’s obviously intelligent, based upon his vocabulary and some of his arguments, but he presents himself in such a way that no one can take him seriously.  He’s entertaining, I’ll give him that, but I reiterate, THE MAN IS INSANE!  I certainly wouldn’t trust him to be my doctor.

His argument with Chelsea does get her to try and convince Salani to get him out, but again, I don’t buy this misdirection for a minute.

We come to what I can only describe as one of the most pathetic Tribal Council performances ever.  As a note to future contestants who may read this blog, study this Tribal Council closely, and NEVER repeat any of the things done here.  Do not do what Jonas did, and single out the guy you’re voting for.  Do not do what TarZAN did and go off on your ally for no reason, and declare your vote (again, INSANE).  Do not do what Jonas did AGAIN, and reveal your other target, this time with no argument behind why.  Emulate Kim, in giving acceptable answers that get rid of Probst and don’t technically lie (ok, so there was ONE good part about tribal).  Do not do what Chelsea did and single out the person you dislike, and go into detail as to WHY.  If you follow these easy steps, you too may be a sole Survivor.

Not surprisingly, Jonas goes home, and I have to admit I’m disappointed.  For all that I ragged on him in this blog, he was finally starting to come into his own, and could have been an interesting character.  Again, he lacks in execution of his plans, but he was still learning.

Oh well, no sense in mourning what might have been, instead, let’s mourn what was!  You guessed it, it’s time for another:

TOP 5 and BOTTOM 5!

Today’s category, as my ranting may have indicated, is crazy people.  Given that it’s hard to have a bottom 5 “crazy” category, my bottom 5 is going to be composed of people who played cool, calculating, predictable games.  Let’s waste not more time, and get to the list!

Top 5

5. Greg “Tarzan” Smith (“Survivor One World”): Maybe it’s bad form to put the entry from the current season this early in the list, but that’s honestly where he belongs.  As I’ve mentioned, the man is inconsistent and not good with communication, not to mention having no idea how to influence people.  His performances and denials tonight, in my mind, are enough to merit a spot on this list.  What saves him from being farther up is that fact that he does appear to have a modicum of intelligence (unlike most of the other people in the “Top 5” section), but that still doesn’t excuse the insanity.

4. Shannon “Shambo” Waters (“Survivor Samoa”): Another somewhat underplayed insane “Survivor”, but I think “Shambo” has earned her spot on the list.  Her hairstyle is a factor, being rather insane in this era, but the woman also constantly failed at many things, then questioned why her tribe disliked her.  When she tried to explain things, she often made no sense, and spoke in odd metaphors.  But the big crazy moment for her is a dream in which she believed she killed Dave Ball (“Survivor Samoa”), which she interpreted as a sign.  I’m a Psych major, and even for me, finding such clarity in dreams is insane (not to mention that dream interpretation is an inexact art), and merits a spot on this list.

3. Cao Boi Bui (“Survivor Cook Islands”): Ah, who could forget the famous headache healing Boat person from the racially divided season?  He was rather older than his tribe mates (a common feature amongst most on this list), and also more seeped in old world culture.  At first, this just leaked out in small ways, such as racially insensitive jokes and the ability to heal headaches through massage (on a side note, I always thought his tribe unnecessarily complained about his headache healing.  Given the choice between a splitting headache and a red fleck on my forehead for a few days, I take the latter each time).  But then Cao Boi started to go further from the mainstream, such as doing a strange, leaping fire dance to start a fire (though admittedly, like his headache cure it was effective), carting the Immunity Idol with him everywhere, and, like “Shambo” having a dream about who to vote off, resulting in the ill-fated “Plan Voodoo”.  Anyone who can come up with a name like that and take it seriously has EARNED their spot on this list.

2. Phillip “Special Agent?” Sheppard (“Survivor Redemption Island”): Look me in the eye and tell me that the man who walked around in tight pink briefs with no shame was not at least a little crazy.  But even this just scratches the surface, the man insisted upon using animal metaphors for everything, and even went so far as to tie a feather to his forehead (making him look ridiculous for the rest of the game).  Add his communions with Great-Grandpa Jessum to the mix, and you have one of the craziest Survivors every, but not quite as…

1. Shane Powers (“Survivor Exile Island”): I’ve used the term “crazy” really loosely in this list, but the only one I think was actually insane is Shane Powers.  It’s understandable, the man quite smoking 3 packs a day cold turkey going into the game.  Adjusting to the elements is hard enough, having to detox from cigarettes can only compound the effects.  It was so bad that Shane actually tried to quit, only to turn on a dime and not want to quit, but even THIS erratic behavior is only the tip of the iceberg.  I could write an entire essay on why Shane is the #1 craziest Survivor, so here I will include a brief list of incidents involving Shane’s craziness: threatening to kill fellow castaways, insisting that Cirie, as a nurse, be the one to examine his genitals for a rash, his innumerable sound bytes, “Shane’s Thinking Seat”, and, lest we forget, “Shane’s Blackberry.”  Enjoy your title, man, you earned it.

Honorable Mention: Matthew Von Ertfelda (“Survivor The Amazon”): One that had to be struck from the list due to my definition of “crazy” that I used.  Still, I had to at least give mention to the man voted “Most needs to see a psychologist” by his fellow castaways (including himself).  Matthew is remembered most for an episode in which he could not stop sharpening a machete, and several contestants commented on how he would likely kill them in a fit of rage.  Not crazy like these other people, but, admittedly, crazy in another way that at least deserves mentioning.  As a pathetic side note, Matthew is the closest I have ever come to having the person I rooted for at the beginning of the game win the whole thing.

Bottom 5

5. Parvati Shallow (“Survivor Cook Islands”): I’ve said before that Parvati knows how to do one thing, but she does it exceedingly well.  This is flirt to play people, and it’s earned her the second most consecutive days on the show, no small feat.  However, BECAUSE she does it so well she earns her spot on this list.  Flirting is a risky strategy, and you REALLY need to know how to dispense it properly in order for it to work.  That it has worked so well for Parvati shows how calculating she can be, and why she’s on the list.

4. “Boston Rob” Mariano (“Survivor Marquesas”): How could I not include the man so often compared to the Godfather?  You’ve heard of his virtues on countless fan sites before, so I don’t need to extol them here, particularly given my distaste for Boston Rob. He’s not a bad character, and again, he’s certainly good at knowing how to run an alliance, his performance on “Survivor Redemption Island” shows that.  I simply feel that the hype isn’t deserved for the amount he gets.  And for the record, I would point out that, although he does hold the record for most days on “Survivor”, he is ahead of Parvati by only 3 days, having played a whole entire season more than her.

3. Richard Hatch (“Survivor Borneo”): It was only a matter of time before the infamous Hatch made it on one of my lists.  Arguably the father of the alliance, Richard made his mark by forming an alliance when almost no one else thought to, and then systematically eliminating the other tribe.  Richard is denied the number one spot, only because I question how well his methods would work now, as evidenced by his placement in “Survivor All-Stars”.  Still, most former Survivors owe their ideas to him, originally, and he’s certainly a calculating individual.

2. Yul Kwan (“Survivor Cook Islands”): If Boston Rob acted the part of a mafia boss, Yul lived the part.  Probably one of the most normal, book smart people “Survivor” ever cast (he is remembered for having a complex proof comparing a “Survivor” challenge to an elephant trying to run up a tree), Yul’s voting strategy was described by fellow contestants as “like putting a hit on somebody”.  Yul knew just how long to keep someone around, and when to eliminate them, and how to appease the people on the jury.  He did this so well that he managed to beat Ozzy in a final tribal council.  Admittedly it was a narrow margin, but Ozzy was well liked, and a physical player, and physical players are often favored by the jury, so Yul’s impressive feat earns him the #2 spot.

1. Brian Heidik (“Survivor Thailand”): Admittedly, he’s a lot of the reason “Survivor Thailand” is so hated in “Survivor” history, but you have to give him credit, he was cold and calculating to the point of being emotionless (though he was a used car salesman).  Every move he made was designed to get him the million, and, in that area he succeeded.  In life, not so much, he’s a despicable human being, but certainly the most calculating Survivor.

Honorable Mention: Cirie Fields (“Survivor Exile Island”): To give her her due, Cirie is a good strategist, and certainly knows how to play people just right, but 2 things bar her from this list.  The first is that she never won (something everyone else did) and second that in her early days she was fueled by emotion.  Still, she’s quite intelligent, and that deserves to be acknowledged.

Whew, that was a long list.  Yes, lackluster episode, but next week promises Tribal loyalty dilemmas, which are usually fun to watch, and best of all NO COLTON!  So, hopefully next week will be a good one!

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.