Idol Speculation: “Survivor Caramoan” Episode 8: Improve Your Sex Life With Balut!

For my Facebook friends, and the people who read out of the goodness of their heart, you should know that a balut is one of the most disgusting, appetizing things that has ever been put into existence.  Specifically, it is a partially fertilized duck fetus that is considered a “delicacy” in the Philippines, which according to Probst means that it’s eaten every day.  Evidently “delicacy” means something different in Kansas.  Suffice to say, though, a balut is not normally something one would connect with sexiness, and indeed, would imagine would have a negative effect on one’s desirability.  However, the title specifically refers to my man Cochran, and frankly, his sex life is so far in the negative, that doing absolutely ANYTHING would help it.

But hey, we’ve got commercials for the improvement of one’s sex life, there’s no need to get ahead of ourselves and unnecessarily inject it into what is an otherwise BRILLIANT episode of “Survivor”!  And like all good episodes, it starts off with a lot of ass.  Specifically, it starts off with ass-kissing on the part of Michael, who is understandably happy that it was Julia (sniff) and not him who went in the previous episode.  It’s a bit painful to watch a fairly smart strategist sink to this level, but then again, maybe he was just kissing the air in happiness.  After all, Cochran’s ass is probably so swollen from sunburn that it’s impossible to miss.

Ok, ok, so I’m being a bit hard on Cochran in this blog, but I just can’t resist!  Besides, he’ll be getting nothing but accolades from now on in this particular blog, so I needed to balance things out with a couple of cheap shots.

That’s not all, though, my friends.  Phillip now decides to bring Dawn and Corinne in on his “throw the challenge” bullshit.  Since the both of them actually have brains, neither buys it, we get some funny comments at Phillip’s expense, and we move on.

Morning at Bikal brings us the sight of Dawn getting teary-eyed again.  Take the picture, add another one to the scrapbook, mark it off as “Dawn Crying #8,263”, and call it a day.  Make note, however, that it’s about something unique this time.  There is no Brandon being mildly annoyed at her, nor a Phillip strongarming the vote.  No, Dawn’s merely noting that it’s close to the same day that Cochran flipped on the old Savaii on “Survivor South Pacific”, and flushed Dawn’s game down the toilet.  It seems some good may come out of it, though, as Dawn swears not to make the mistake of being a passive player again.

FORESHADOWING!

Pool party at Gota’s place!  Man, the music’s so loud, I can’t hear a word anyone’s saying.  Wait, is that a boat?  Boat, what boat?  Yes, I think that’s a boat!  It’s definitely a boat, and, *gasp* I do believe it’s turning!  Oh my god you guys, TURNING!  I’m surrounded by senic vistas and cool-looking fauna every minute of the day, but a BOAT TURNING?  That just takes the cake!

The boat, as could be expected, is there to hand Gota a note telling them to pack up the camp, and head to Bikal for a presumed merge.  Everyone comments on how nice it’ll be to play an individual game, and Reynold in particular is excited that the Bikal tribe greets them with such friendship, and thinks that it’s a whole new game for him and Eddie.

FORESHADOWING!

In all seriousness, this is one of the weaker merges.  The happiness just seems to fake, and really CBS, you couldn’t give Gota a time limit, or something to make the dismantling of the camp a bit more exciting.

The group wastes no time in coming up with a tribe name, and after throwing out “Douglas” (which would have been an AWESOME tribe name, I must say), Malcolm wins the contest by suggesting the name Enil Edam, which falls in with Dabu (“Survivor Micronesia”), Aiga (“Survivor Samoa”), and Murlonio (“Survivor Redemption Island”) in the category of “Tribe names that SUPPOSEDLY mean something significant in the local dialect, but actually mean something else/is nonsense”.  Man, there really needs to be a snappier name for that category.

In this case, Enil Edam is actually “Madeline” backwards.  Malcolm named the tribe after his Mother, how sweet.  Personally, I thought he named it after a popular series of children’s books that Kat Eddorson (“Survivor One World”) hasn’t read, but the mom thing works as well, I suppose.

Any more loving and sharing, and we risk turning into the “Care Bears”.  Let’s see what Phillip’s up to, he’s always good for bringing things down to a crashing halt.  Ok, so he’s talking with Andrea.  Good, good, probably promoting her in “Stealth ‘R Us”, that’ll stir up a can of worms, and potentially lead to a blindside  of Phillip.  Let’s listen in on what he’s saying.

PHILLIP: “Pretend you’re Boston Rob…”

Whoa there!  Phillip!  That’s some kinky role-play!  Didn’t know you were into that kind of stuff.  Well, to each their own, I suppose, I’ll just be over here with Malcolm and Corinne, where things are much less awkward…

In actuality, Phillip is not giving us an intimate look at his sex life, but is instead using it as a way to convince Andrea to vote out either Eddie or Reynold, as they’re strong and in the minority.  Um, Phillip, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but NOT EVERY STRATEGY THAT HAS EVER EXISTED WAS INVENTED BY “BOSTON ROB” (“Survivor Marquesas”).  I mean, come on, the “Vote out the strong people in the minority” strategy has been around since “Survivor-Freaking-Borneo”).  Get over your “Boston Rob” worship!

Fortunately for me, there is SOME strategy on this tribe that is not “Boston Rob” centered.  Malcolm and Corinne are back together, and have evidently been sending coconuts by mail, as both have the same strategy.  Corinne has sewn in Michael, and Malcolm has sewn in Eddie and Reynold, giving them a potential majority alliance down the road, assuming they stick together.  Of course, they’re only 5, and they’d be better off as a 6, but Erik will fall in line.  He’s a bit dim, but he’s a good kid, he’ll fall in line no problem.  Surely Erik of all people is trustworthy.

FORESHADOWING!

A familiar-looking tree mail arrives, informing the tribe of an impending feast.  All naturally come to the correct conclusion that this is a “Gross Food Eating Challenge”, and are none too pleased with the results.  Eddie and Reynold talk about how this will make them less desirable with the ladies, which gets at the crux of what I dislike about Eddie and Reynold.  Their heads are not in the game 100% of the time, and even when they are, their heads are so empty that it’s barely worth my time to listen to them.  Guys, get a GRIP.  You’re on “Survivor”, your focus should be on WINNING THE CHALLENGE, not your sex lives!

About the only positive one about the challenge is Cochran, partly because it’s a challenge that requires no physical prowess, thus giving him a fighting chance for once, and partly due to Cochran being desperate for anything that can improve his sex life.

FORESHADOWING!  THE CHALLENGE!

Believe it or not, not only am I ok with this challenge, I am ECSTATIC to see this challenge!  While it is a repeat, it’s also a “Survivor” staple challenge, and can be so easily varied to fit the environment that each feels unique.  Plus, it requires a different skill set from the usual physical challenge, and lends itself to unique winners.

As an added bonus, we get the reveal of the new Individual Immunity Idol, which is KICK-ASS!  A ring of short bones on a local-looking frame, leading up to a darkened, tattooed skull at the center.  Ok, the skull isn’t particularly unique, but the necklace looks awesome, like some kind of fossilized spider.  It doesn’t stand out enough to quite merit a “Top 5 and Bottom 5” list (particularly since I already did one for “Survivor South Pacific”), but it’s close, very close.

So, each gross food challenge is different, how’s this one going to be organized?  Well, as with most post-merge gross food challenges, they’re time trials, which I have to say I prefer to “Just don’t throw up” gross food challenges.  They add a layer of tension that just makes the challenge more enjoyable.  The “delicacies” are varied this time, and I have to say, they’re the one aspect of this challenge I think fall flat a little. They start off like they’re going to go the route of bringing back previous delicacies from past seasons, which is fine if you want to go with that, this is kind of an “All-Star” season, so it’s somewhat appropriate, but then the second and fourth rounds are all new foods!  Look, I don’t demand that the foods be the grossest things in all of creation, but at least either stick entirely old foods or entirely new foods.

Oh well, first up is two heats of 6, who have to eat 2 live grubs, reminiscent of the one originally devoured on “Survivor Borneo”.  The first round of 6 yields Malcolm, Eddie, and Andrea moving on (the only girl to do so, props to her), while the second yields Cochran, Phillip, and Michael.  The second round turns out to be clam guts, which is kind of reminiscent of one of the food items of “Survivor The Australian Outback”, but is not a direct copy, and so doesn’t count.  Eddie, Malcolm, and Cochran eliminate the other 3, and move on to the balut round, where only Eddie is eliminated.  This leaves a duel between Malcolm and Cochran, and the contest is eating pig brain.  Shock of all shocks, the foreshadowing was correct, and Cochran pulls out a victory!  Excellent!  And I know I’ve used this joke before, but I’m sure that’s a sign of the apocalypse.

Back at camp, everyone congratulates Cochran on a job well done, though in private interviews, some are a bit snarky.  Specifically Malcolm, believing that the Favorites will vote out Sherri with him, believes he has an unbeatable majority after this vote, states that he likes Cochran, and is happy for him, but Cochran will have to go sooner rather than later, so he’d better enjoy it while he can.

FORE-FUCKING-SHADOWING!

Corinne is deemed the spokesperson to try and rally Phillip, Andrea, Cochran, and Dawn to the “Vote for Sherri” plan, which is probably a smart move for Malcolm, as on “Survivor” it’s the messenger who invariably gets shot.  She unwisely approaches Phillip first, who gives her no time of day, strongarming her, and saying that the Favorites should unite and split the vote between Eddie and Reynold.  While the strongarming is bad social politics, what’s fascinating is that Phillip’s strategy is actually SENSIBLE for where he is in the game.  Evidently, he’s using up his stock of good ideas in one go.  What makes this particularly interesting to watch is that Corinne’s move is ALSO working in her best interest, so watching the two interests battle each other, and seeing who wins, makes for quite an interesting dilemma.

The others are then informed.  Andrea seems on board, as “The first vote post-merge doesn’t matter that much.” (yes, TRULY this woman understands the nuances of “Survivor” strategy.)  Cochran and Dawn, while willing to go along with it, are more concerned, Cochran being somewhat skeptical of voting out the weak, and fearing that, since Phillip wouldn’t go along with it, it would show the Fans the divide in the Favorites, and give them a potential opening.  Still, he’s not willing to make a fuss, and it looks like, Phillip’s whining aside (the group agrees that they don’t need his vote, and he’s strongarmed them all enough for them to have no qualms about returning the favor) Malcolm and Corinne will get their way, and probably run the rest of this game.

Then Corinne falls for the oldest “Survivor” trap: Getting greedy.

In fairness, her move isn’t overall a bad one, since Erik is still a bit wishy-washy, and Dawn’s been sympathetic to her Phillip plight before.  Corinne pulls Dawn aside and tells her about the alliance she and Malcolm have cooked up, and invites her to join.  Normally, an emotional appeal thrown in about Phillip’s bullying would work wonders, but Dawn is FINALLY living up to her promise to play more strategically, and does the smart thing of “If what you did last time didn’t work, CHANGE IT.”  She rightly concludes that she’d be on the bottom of this alliance, and it’s better to stick with her sub alliance with Cochran, and her extended alliance with Phillip and Andrea.  She runs back to inform Cochran, and the two quickly come up with a plan to swing Sherri (as she’s in trouble), Brenda (because she’s done nothing of note this season), and Erik to their side, and blindside Corinne, incorrectly believing her to be the leader in all this.  Aside from a mistake as to who’s in control of the alliance (props to Malcolm there for keeping himself hidden), this is quite a good plan, and executed well, with Cochran, rather than drag everyone in himself, simply tells Phillip what’s going on, and gets Phillip and Andrea to do the rest.  Brilliant, brilliant move on Cochran and Dawn’s parts.

Congratulations Erik you’ve gotten yourself into the most desirable position on “Survivor” with no effort whatsoever!  Give yourself a hand, you non-entity you!  Well, Erik at least wears the mantel well, correctly surmising that he’s the one in control, and has to pick either Sherri or Corinne to be voted off, and we head off to tribal with no idea which side will come out on top.

Or at least we do for the first part of tribal where we get some standard, but good, verbal dodging from the castaways, only marred by Sherri’s pessimistic attitude.  Geez Sherri, at least put up the PRETENSE of confidence.  But then, of course, the tension has to be ruined by Reynold opening his mouth, and saying that his will be an easy, open vote, with NO surprises whatsoever.

FORE-OH-SWEET-JESUS-COULD-THEY-LAY-IT-ON-ANY-THICKER-SHADOWING!

Yes, Corinne goes home, and while I’m happy that Cochran’s still on top, I’m sorry to see her go.  She was genuinely witty at times, and despite what Cochran thinks, was actually a pretty decent strategist.  Well, at least we get her comments on the jury to tide us over.

In case it wasn’t clear, this was an AMAZING episode.  While the tension was ruined by Reynold at the end, it was pretty tense for the most part, kept me engaged and guessing, and was just overall enjoyable to watch.  I’m quite looking forward to the next episode.

However, as is tradition post-merge, I must do another:

TOP 5 and BOTTOM 5

While there’s nothing I feel particularly strongly about this episode, I suppose the re-emergence of the gross food challenge does merit a list.

What?  Not every list I do has to have an explanation or a caveat!

 

TOP 5

5. “Survivor The Australian Outback”: One of the earliest gross food challenges to ever appear, I give this one credit for changing things up, adding a variety of local delicacies (cow brain being particularly memorable), while adding the clever twist of a hope spot.  For the squeamish, there was an apple slice and a Milky Way on the roulette wheel of gross foods, so one had the potential to save themselves from losing the challenge for their tribe.  There was also the drama of vegetarian Kimmi Kappenberg almost losing the challenge for Kucha, and just a lot of fun, disgusting meals.  This one clocks in at 5 because the scale of grossness of the ACTUAL gross foods varied greatly, and the “Just get it down” style of play that I’m less partial to.

4. “Survivor Pearl Islands”: Another roulette wheel, but this time a smoothie wheel!  Various sea creatures (as well as some fruits and liquids) were named, and whatever was rolled was blended to a fine smoothie, and had to be drunk.  There was also the infamous “Jeff’s Special” where Probst could add whatever he wanted, which was a fun, if sadistic, twist.  On top of that, the wheel and balls had a distinctive air, and I’d imagine that the foods were particularly challenging to eat.  The one drawback, again, was the “Just get it down” style, but other than that, an excellent gross food challenge.

3. “Survivor Marquesas”: This one might seem an odd choice, as it’s another “Just get it down.” Style challenge, but having to eat it face first, particularly when it’s reported to smell like dog poo, just added a unique level of disgust to this challenge.  Just for pure toughness, this has to be third.

2. “Survivor Fiji”: It’s rare that you’ll hear me praise “Survivor Fiji”, but damn, if it didn’t have one hell of a gross food challenge!  The first one on this “Top 5” list to be a time trial, this one also featured a variety of foods, al never seen before.  While some, such as fish eyeballs, were not all that difficult to get down, most of them were some of the worst ever for the show, including what is, in my opinion, the grossest food to ever be consumed on “Survivor”: Pig Snout.

1. “Survivor Borneo”: The eponymous “Eating Live Bugs” challenge makes its appearance.  Frankly this challenge has become so identified with “Survivor”, and started the trend of gross food challenges, that it couldn’t not be number one.  While the grubs themselves were not all that bad tasting, eating something alive is surely pretty damn gross enough to merit a number 1 spot.

Honorable Mention: “Survivor The Amazon”: Not a lot of people remember this one, mostly because the food was not distinctive (though fried millipede was pretty memorable), but I think it deserves a mention for being a time trial.

 

BOTTOM 5

5. “Survivor Palau”: While it was a time trial, and baluts are, as I’ve said, disgusting, this one just felt less than other gross food challenges. Perhaps because it was only 2 tribe members competing.  Well, it’s really not that bad of a gross food challenge, but there were a LOT of good gross food challenges on the list, and it had to go somewhere.

4. “Survivor Caramoan”: Like with “Survivor Palau”, this one wasn’t PARTICULARLY bad, but I really just wish they’d picked a theme for the food and stuck with it.

3. “Survivor China”: Oddly, this is one of the more unique challenges in terms of the food, including Thousand-Year-Old egg, eel, and baby sea turtle.  Also, it was another time trial, so why is it so low?  Well, it was kind of painful to watch two tribes simultaneously try and throw a challenge, and while I’m not a vegetarian, the baby sea turtles were just too cute for me to enjoy someone eating them.  Also, they reused the baluts!  Look, I know they’re disgusting, but find something new!

2. “Survivor Samoa”: Now we get to the only 2 gross food challenges I actually don’t like, and my reason for hating the one from “Survivor Samoa” is simple: It’s exactly the same as “Survivor Pearl Islands” one, only “Survivor Pearl Islands” did it first, and better.

1. “Survivor Africa”: My reasoning here may strike some as odd, but I stand behind it: this challenge was too easy.  Sure, drinking blood might be PSYHOLOGICALLY disgusting, but if you look at it, there’s almost no texture to worry about, blood doesn’t taste all that bad, and they mixed it with MILK.  That doesn’t sound at all challenging.  On top of that, with the exception of a tiebreaker round, the castaways only had to drink shot glasses of the stuff, hardly a disgusting amount.  Another “Just get it down” style of play seals this as the worst gross food challenge ever.

Honorable Mention: “Survivor Thailand”: This one introduced the twist of “Have the loved ones eat the food”, as well as another time trial.  The foods were also very unique, with cooked tarantula on the menu.  Thailand as a whole is just not a memorable season, which is why this is on the bottom list at all, even as an honorable mention.  I suppose I could put “Survivor All-Stars” in this spot (being the only season not on either list), but frankly, the nostalgia factor of old gross foods being bought back makes me like it too much.

Well, there you have it.  Can things be maintained into next week?  Time will tell…

-Matt

Title credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor Philippines” Episode 6: Sign on the Dotted Line

“Survivor” universe, if, in my writings, I’ve done something to greatly offend you, or set you against me in any way, I apologize.  I’m not sure what I could have done.  For all my jokes, for all my criticisms, I do have the utmost respect for you, which I try to show in every possible way.  So why is it, whenever I praise anything about you, you must then go and completely reverse that praise in the next episode?

I’m talking of course about the challenges, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  Our episode starts at Kalabaw, where we get usual complaining about Tribal Council.  Katie is particularly vocal, which is understandable.  She is, after all, bottom of the pecking order.  She’s next to go, unless she does something about it.  Most pageant girls on the show would try to flirt their way out of this situation, or else be falsely optimistic about their chances.  I’ll give Katie credit that she sets herself apart from these others by actively and vocally arguing for her right to stay.  Specifically, she argues to Denise that Penner is far too large a threat to take to the merge, and they should cut him off before he gets them.  Fairly typical of your average strategist, but hardly a bad start to the show.

Do we get Denise’s take on this?  Of course not, that would be far too interesting!

It seems that discord not only exists at Kalabaw.  In an odd parallel to “Survivor The Australian Outback” (odd because Skupin was evacuated at that point), Tandang is running low on rice, having eaten too much of it beforehand.  Most attribute this to Mike snacking on uncooked rice (evidently, one never stops being a “student of nutrition”), and roundly bash him for it.  Still, this makes the stakes of the upcoming reward challenge all the more important for Tandang.  Tribes compete for a day away from camp with sandwiches and chips.  Not a rich feast by modern standards, but probably a five-course smorgasboard to the starving.

The challenge, sadly, does not reflect the reward in terms of goodness.  Yes, no sooner have I praised this season for having original challenges, then they go and give us a rehashed challenge.  This one comes to us courtesy of “Survivor China”.  A giant ball is placed in the middle of a mud pit, and tribes race to push the ball into their goal.  Each goal is worth one point, first tribe to hit 3 points wins reward.  While not the worst challenge to draw from (and, unlike the immunity challenge, hasn’t been done several times before), I have to say, I prefer the China iteration.  For one thing, that challenge had not one, but two, balls, released in a very epic manner, as opposed to one ball just sitting there.  This leant an element of strategy that seemed to be lacking in this challenge.  Furthermore, I prefer the aesthetic in the China version.  The balls and goals were actually interesting, whereas the goals in this one were little more than colored sticks, and the ball looked like a colored version of the world’s biggest rubber band ball (which I believe is in Kansas.  Hey Probst!  Start plugging it!).

Fortunately, even a recycled challenge can be given a new shine by the right player and circumstances.  Penner is the right player, and this challenge is the right circumstance.  In the first round, Kalabaw and Tandang reach a stalemate (Kalabaw having the edge initially, but wearing out over time), leading to what I believe is the first time lapse in a non-endurance challenge (at least within a round).  The two stick it out for an hour, each trying various tactics to move the ball.  Penner even goes between Skupin’s legs to try and get the ball.  Finally, with everyone exhausted, Penner does something that is, actually unprecedented.  He makes the “Next Time On…” teaser actually correct!

No, seriously, Loan Shark Penner proposes that wearing each other out is wasted energy, and draws up a contract that says Tandang gets all of Kalabaw’s rice, but Kalabaw wins the reward challenge.  There’s a lot of back and forth, and dissent on both sides.  Skupin wants to agree with the deal, while Artis is vehemently against it.  Meanwhile, Carter expresses Kalabaw’s doubts, but Jeff Kent seems on board.  Ultimately, the returnees get their way, Kalabaw wins reward, and Tnadang makes up some of their rice deficit.  I have to admit, this made the challenge much more interesting, and I give Penner credit for trying something new.  It is my duty to point out, though, that the deal he made was really STUPID!  You don’t get much of a satisfaction in the victory, and while the food will give you energy in the short run, in the long run, it’s going to be harder to get food, you’ll lose energy, and be the worse for wear.

Several people on Kalabaw seem to figure this out over the reward, but it doesn’t seem to get them down, which is a good sign.  Often in this game, morale can play a bigger role than actual physical energy.  If that’s the case, then Tandang is in trouble, because even getting more rice, they find reason to complain.  Artis wishes he could be included in the decision, while Abi-Maria is muffed that their rice has only doubled, not tripled or quadrupled.  I will say that that is the one benefit for Kalabaw in the deal: they didn’t have more rice than Tandang to begin with.  Ok, Abi-Maria, I know your hopes were high, but this way you’re twice as far from starvation, be happy with THAT!

Kalabaw’s boast that they could fish for energy is put to the test the next morning, when Penner tries his hand.  He takes a few unsuccessful stabs at a stingray, before it flees.  Penner heads out to the ocean to try for regular fish, while his tribe rightly laments their lack of rice.  In a very funny moment, dramatic music plays over shots of Penner and large schools of fish.  Penner comes back… with two guppies… which they don’t even bother to cook.  Yeah, I’d rethink that boast, Penner.  Seriously man, what is wrong with your game, you’re making gaffe after gaffe!

Challenge Time!  And of course, it’s a challenge that’s been recycled several times over.  Two tribe members (one from each tribe) simultaneously launch a ball to 4 other members with nets waiting in a field.  Each ball caught is a point, first to five points wins.  This challenge has experienced a number of small rule changes over the years, but the base template has been in place since “Survivor Thailand”.  Again, like the reward challenge this episode, it’s not a bad challenge in and of itself, but the aesthetic for this one is equally boring, and I’m just tired of seeing it.

The one thing this challenge has going for it is that it’s closer than most, though Tandang manages to score a narrow victory, largely due to Malcolm.  So the game is on back at Kalabaw, and, as Katie has performed the most pathetically overall, and she’s on the outside, she seems a dead certainty to leave.  You’d think our misdirection would come from Katie’s continued efforts to oust Penner, but surprisingly, it’s Jeff Kent who proves to be the catalyst.  He informs us that his mind still isn’t made up about whether or not to trust Penner, despite having gone against his original plan and aligned with Penner.  Dude, before you were going on about how a five-finger handshake meant so much to you, now you’re saying it doesn’t matter, make up your mind.  Carter is willing to go along with the plan, but isn’t fully on board.  Get your history books ready because not only does Carter speak, but he actually says something intelligent to boot!  He talks about how getting rid of Penner is a bad idea, which makes sense.  While I admit that trust is an issue in this game, Penner hasn’t played much of a conniver this game, plus he’s more physical, and has the idol.  The idol could be seen as a problem, rather than an asset, but at this point, the odds are on that Kalabaw will be down in numbers come the merge (they’d need to not lose another immunity challenge, and merge at 8 at the earliest), the idol is a handy card to have to try and change your situation.

Of course, my pipe dreams can’t last.  Carter undoes his smarts, by asking Penner who he wants to vote out, Katie or Penner.  Penner doesn’t jump all over them, instead quietly pressuring the two to reconsider.  After doing a quick cover up in front of Katie (which I thought was good, but she sees through), Katie then gets to work on Jeff and Carter, trying to sway them her way.  Again, good for her taking her fate into her own hands, but my odds are still on her leaving tonight

Tribal Council is your standard affair, so I won’t go into the specifics.  I will give props, though, that it did get me tense about who was going home, no small feat.  My predictions turn out true, though, and Katie goes home.  While I won’t miss her too desperately, I also don’t hate her like I do some early boots, and so allow her to respectfully leave.

While this episode is probably the weakest of the season, do I hate it?  Actually, no.  While it was predictable at points, it did get me excited and uncertain for the results, and was stronger as a whole than a lot of what we’ve been getting these past few seasons.  Still, let’s hope that next week sets the bar back up to normal for what is so far an otherwise great season.

Still, I feel that I haven’t given you your expected content for this week, and I also feel that I need to address a debate.  After the disbanding of Matsing last week, people have been debating whether or not Matsing is the most pathetic tribe to ever be in the game.  As such, I will weigh in with my trademark:

 

TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5

Today’s topic, as you might guess, is pathetic tribes.  I will say that for me, the patheticness of a tribe is not based so much in the amount of challenges lost, but in how much the tribe bands together through hardship.  To me, a tribe that wins a lot and breaks down is a lot more pathetic than a tribe that loses a lot and sticks together (I’m looking at you, Foa Foa of “Survivor Samoa”).  As such, Matsing will not appear on this list anywhere, as Malcolm and Denise are still loyal to each other, as far as I can tell.  As a final note of clarification, I’ll say that the “Top” section is that of tribes I consider most pathetic, and the “Bottom” section the one’s that stuck together the most.  Now, without further ado, here’s your list!

 

TOP 5

5. Sook Jai, “Survivor Thailand”: This one might seem an odd choice, given that they were a challenge dominator early on their season, and also stuck together post-merge.  I justify this, partly by putting them at the bottom of the list, and by a certain statistic I happen to know: Sook Jai holds the record for the longest stretch of tribe members voted out, with 7 out of 8 members going over a stretch of 25 days.  That’s pretty pathetic.  Moreover, this streak could have been avoided had they not thrown a challenge just to be rid of someone annoying, and throwing a challenge for no adequate reason is a good way to land you on this list (hint, hint).

4. Samburu, “Survivor Africa”: Probably the original dysfunctional family of “Survivor”, Samburru was plagued early on by a very stark division between the young and the old, (and, in the case of Brandon and Frank, the homosexual and the homophobe), and could not get over infighting that led to their destruction come the switching of tribes.  Even worse, when Boran started to cannibalize itself post merge, they couldn’t pull together to take their revenge.  I go into detail on this in my “Survivor Africa” retrospective, so I won’t say any more here, but I think my point is clear.

3. Fang, “Survivor Gabon”: Staying on the continent of Africa, we find the Fang tribe.  Much though Ken Hoang is one of my favorite castaways ever, this tribe just had a bad start.  They had no direction, no drive, a ton of quitters and pathetic players, and are generally considered a train wreck of a tribe overall.  Surprisingly, in terms of original members, Fang won a majority overall come the merge.  Even then, they just couldn’t get along, with Bob Crowley, the only person to stay purely Kota the entire time, taking home the victory.

2. Manono, “Survivor One World”: A lot of this is retrospect, but much like Fang, the Manono men were never really united, and quite ready to cannibalize each other, even at the expense of a whole game strategy.  And lest we forget, this is the tribe that gave us Colton, who, like Sook Jai, forced a vote for no adequate reason.  I consider this case worse because, whereas Sook Jai just had a case of COLLECTIVE stupidity, Colton FORCED his stupidity on the entire tribe.  I’m not sure exactly WHY that’s worse, but it is.

1. Ulong, “Survivor Palau”: Yeah, you all saw this coming.  While you can debate the merits of tribe victory vs. tribe unity, there’s no denying that, whatever measure you use, Ulong still comes out behing.  They are the second-losingest tribe in the history of the show, winning only three challenges.  Like Fang, they could not get their act together, refusing to choose a leader or take any sort of direction.  Ask anyone, they’ll tell you that it was disunity that led to Ulong’s destruction, and to their number 1 spot on this list.

Honorable Mention: Ravu, “Suvivor Fiji”: To appease all those who want number of challenge losses to play a bigger part in this list, I give you what I consider to be the losingest tribe in “Survivor” history, winning only one challenge of over a dozen.  While technically Matsing lost more challenges, they also participated in fewer, which in my book dilutes their losses.  Now, Ravu didn’t exactly stick together as a unit, but I can’t really say that they were dysfunctional due to the success of power couple Earl and Yau-Man, as well as the fact that tribes were too thoroughly shuffled to lead to clear distinctions between tribes.

 

BOTTOM 5

 

5. Casaya, “Survivor Exile Island”: While Shane’s boast that they’d be the “first tribe to stick together through to the end” is a bit overdramatic and optimistic, it cannot be denied that, while Casaya had a fair amount of infighting, they stuck together through and through, even in the face of interpersonal conflicts.  I put them so low only because I wonder what would have happened had not Terry gone on his winning streak.  This might have gotten kingpin Aras voted out, and changed the entire game.  Moreover, there were several subplots within the tribe that might have blossomed had it not been for, again, Terry’s winning streak.

4. Chapera, “Survivor All-Stars”: The Mogo Mogo tribe’s frustration at their inability to break the Chapera alliance says it all.  While some might call this tribe a dictatorship, and thereby discount it, it cannot be denied that all member of Chapera stuck together, even to their undoing.  Even Boston Rob was screwed over, due to his loyalty to Amber.

3. Aitu, “Survivor Cook Islands”: If fire represents one’s life in the game, then fire-forged friends must be the best kind for the show.  Aitu was unfortunately t in a bad situation, where two tribe members defected, leaving them at only 4 members. Most would have slumped over and cried, but Aitu, bravely, forged onward, and not only stuck together through everything, but came back to take home victory.  That, plus a winning streak towards the end of the tribe challenges, earns them this number 3 spot.

2. Koror, “Survivor Palau”: I promise this will be the only repeat season.  Much like Chapera, this was a tribe, run by an alpha male, that had every opportunity to take him out, and thus ensure their own victory, yet never did.  Moreover, if you want to go by challenges won, they’re far and away the winningest tribe (Moto of “Survivor Fiji” excluded), and did so at a physical DISADVANTAGE.  Whatever I say about Palau, the awesomeness of the Koror tribe cannot be discounted.

1. Kucha, “Survivor The Australian Outback”: Yet another example of “fire-forged friends”.  I think this is the only time in “Survivor” history, post-merge, that a tribe has never once gone against another member, even to save their own skin.  This can be due to the aforementioned fire, specifically the one Mike Skupin fell into.  His last wish before he left was for Kucha to stick together, and they took his words to heart.  So, for such loyalty, Kucha is the least pathetic tribe to ever appear on the show.  Now, watch Mike Skupin brag about it for the next 12 years.

Honorable Mention: Ometepe, “Survivor Redemption Island”: Sort of along the same lines as Chapera (even with the same dictator), but this one I feel would really have fallen apart if not tightly controlled.  Plus, I don’t like saying good things about “Survivor Redemption Island”.  What an awful, awful season.

Well there you have it, enough content to last you the week!  Hope you enjoyed it, and see you next time!

-Matt