Idol Speculation: “Survivor MGX” Episode 9: Will Can’t Have Alcohol

Guys, I have an announcement: Will can’t drink alcohol. No beer, no wine, no spirits, no mixed drinks. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Poor sap has to make do with only soda. And what a sad existence that must be. But let’s focus on the main point here, and that is that Will Wahl is not legally allowed to drink. The man must be abstinent while his tribemates are in the throws of Dionysian bliss. He cannot have a single drop of that sainted liquid that makes one drunk. There will be no imbibing of intoxicating beverages by the young man with the uncannily deep voice. And, just in case I haven’t made it clear, Will cannot drink alcohol.

Ah, what a traditional way to start a blog, talking about the main focus of the episode. Now we move onto the strategy talk, as the usual fallout from Tribal Council ensues, along with the time-honored tradition of calling the people who flipped on you “idiots”. Our culprit tonight is perennial idiot Jay, who brings up the point that Zeke, Adam, and Hannah are now on the bottom of the Gen-X alliance. I’m willing to admit that this point is fair, but on the whole, I can’t condone Jay’s assessment. After all, where would the threesome be if they had stuck with him True, they’d be the bottom of a seven-person alliance rather than a nine-person alliance, which is seemingly better, but I’d argue (and I’d say the later parts of the episode back me up) that the nine-person alliance is more fractious than seven-person alliance in this case, and, as Hannah will bring up later, that threesome have more power in the latter alliance, despite the increased number. Here’s my problem: I can, to a certain degree, excuse people saying “Well, why ISN’T my alliance the obviously right move to make?” before the votes are cast. But hindsight is 20/20, and for Jay to not even RECOGNIZE why his alliance might not be attractive to Hannah, Zeke, and Adam is preposterous.

Chris also takes the time to brag about how his position is improving. Which is true. Good assessment, Chris. Yeah, really not much more to say about it than that.

But enough about that, this is shiny, happy “Survivor” time, as Adam for once manages to not completely screw up consoling someone after the vote, talking with Taylor about why it was the correct move for him to go against Taylor. Namely, Adam points out that Taylor and Jay were gunning for HIM, a point that even Taylor can’t deny, so we quickly move on to talking about the dirt that Taylor and Adam have on each other. Adam knows about Taylor’s food stash, Taylor knows about Adam’s reward steal. This helps to justify Adam’s revealing of information last episode, a move panned by everyone but myself, it seems. Basically, Adam and Taylor are in a “Nuclear Option” situation. Both have information that could, if not destroy each other, then at least cripple each other’s games pretty hard. That is a way to build trust, albeit tenuous trust. And, given how the Cold War went in general, you could argue that the analogy makes for bad strategy, but I still see the point in it. Granted, Adam really needs to give up on this whole “Make Taylor and Jay trust me.” thing, since that ship has clearly sailed, but here, at least, he has one good attempt at it. I’ll give him credit, though: I really like his “If you wanted me to stick with you, why’d you try and vote me out?” confessional.

Taylor consoles himself with food, and his attitude is really starting to annoy me. What Taylor is doing here is effectively sabotage, not really any different from what Scot and Jason did on “Survivor Kaoh Rong”, but at least they were TRYING to piss people off. Taylor really doesn’t seem to understand why it’s wrong, though he does at least admit that he’s doing it more to give himself an advantage than anything. I just keep thinking back to the likes of Julie McGee
from “Survivor San Juan del Sur”. She similarly stole food, and the castigation of her in response was a factor in her eventual quit. Taylor? True, he does get voted out for his trouble, but the man ultimately gets off pretty lightly for what I’d consider a serious offense. Stealing is one thing, but stealing from literal starving people is another thing entirely.

In keeping with our new upbeat attitude, we get our second instance of HANNAH attempting to console someone on the losing side of the vote. Having learned from her mistakes with Adam and Zeke, Hannah actually does a good job of talking to Jay about her decision. She’s friendly, but not condescending, and explains how her feeling of greater power by working with the old Takali led to her flip, and Jay, who really has very little choice at this point, seems to still be on good terms with her. Despite what episode 3 of this season might have indicated, Adam really needs to take lessons from her.

We head on to our reward challenge, and, in what may be an “Idol Speculation” first, I really feel no need to describe it step by step. It’s your average generic obstacle course, and ultimately in this case, the individual steps don’t matter. It’s boring, it’s a team challenge post merge, it’s for burgers and drinks at a spa, and Will still isn’t allowed to drink alcohol. That’s about all that really matters.

Oh, and Probst is making a big deal about the fact that teams will be decided by a schoolyard pick. This is often the case on “Survivor”, but rarely do they actually bother to show it. The only times they DO show it are when it has a major impact on the episode, like when the contestants of “Survivor Kaoh Rong” called out how it would fall down alliance lines, and skipped it entirely. Naturally, with something so impactful on the episode, we’re going to watch the pick go one by one, and see where it all goes wrong for one team.

Or, you know, we could cut right to the fact that the purple team is pretty much all old Takali, while the orange team is all old Vanua, with Taylor and Jessica being the only respective switches, that’s cool too. But surely if they brought up the schoolyard pick, then it must have major repercussions throughout the episode. I mean, the orange team picked by Hannah ultimately loses, so that must do something. Look, she’s even getting a confessional about it! It must lead to something this episode! SPOILER ALERT: This is the last time we hear about the schoolyard pick having any impact.

We get our requisite enjoyment of the reward, with Taylor bragging about his eating habits as a garnish. Then we return to a classic “Survivor” staple: the drunken idiot. Newer fans of the show may not be aware of this, as the tradition has dropped off in recent years, but “Survivor” used to have a mean tendency to give people just enough alcohol and just barely not enough food to have someone make a complete drunken ass of themselves. Think of Tom Westman’s performance during the merge on “Survivor Palau”, or basically any time “Big Tom” Buchanan (“Survivor Africa”) was allowed anywhere near alcohol. Unlike Will. Who can’t have it. Having no one named “Tom” on this season to take the fall, we settle for Bret, who seems to determined to prove all stereotypes about Bostonians true. He even sort of KNOWS he’s being set up, admitting beforehand that he should probably limit himself, though Chris informs us that this went out the window very quickly. Granted, Bret gets off easy, with the extent of his drunken exploits being a bombastic cannonball into the pool.

All is not calm, though, as Sunday comes out of the woodwork to deliver some intrigue. I said back in episode 3 (there’s that episode again) that I thought there was more to Sunday than the show was giving us, given a good remark of hers at Tribal Council. Then she quieted down until recently, and I wrote it off as my reading too much into it. But evidently I was correct the first time, as there’s some gamer left in Sunday yet. A fairly bad gamer, to be sure, but a gamer nonetheless, and that always leads to some fun with regards to strategy. Basically, the wounds from the vote where Jessica was saved haven’t fully healed, and while the pair are civil to each other, Sunday admits that Jessica probably needs to go sooner rather than later, especially as the old Takali a a fractured bunch. I would complain about this coming right out of nowhere, but in this case, I’ll give it a pass. This conflict would only really have arose starting in episode 5, at which point we had the switch, so there was really no need for Sunday to comment on her suspicion of Jessica until now. What I WILL complain about is the poor strategy behind it. I get not trusting Jessica, I really do, but holding the old Takali together is really in Sunday’s best interests in particular. At the moment, the old Vanua are chomping at the bit to get rid of each other. Like or dislike each other, if the old Takali can stick together for the next few votes, they’ve got this in the bag. Keep that majority, and ride it to the end. Granted, that’s not so good if you’re on the bottom of the old Takali, but if anything, Sunday is is the best position of the old Takali. She’s well liked, and so has a chance of winning no matter WHO she’s up against, and while she seems to be firmly in the Chris and Bret camp at this point, she could still potentially swing over to the Jessica, David, and Ken camp. Or, she could let all but one old Vanua go, and then use that old Vanua member along with Chris and Bret to gain a majority and a guaranteed finals spot, where again, she would have a decent chance at winning. Certainly there’s something to be said for making a big move and bolstering your resume, but as this season has demonstrated, one must wait for the proper timing. For Sunday, this is throwing out the baby with the bathwater, to use an old cliche.

But I want to like Sunday! QUICK! Cut to even worse gameplay! Oh, good, Adam is trying to ease tensions with his enemies again, that should be worse. Sure enough, Adam proves to us yet again that he can’t have more than one good soothing moment per episode, and ends up talking with Jay out in the water. Still bitter about the Mari vote, Adam gives him a “How’s it feel to be on the bottom?” talk, and while I do think Jay exaggerates QUITE how much of an asshole Adam is being here, I can’t deny that it’s not really Adam’s smartest play, and he does come off as kind of an ass in this case. Admittedly, Adam is at least not playing both sides of the fence, or at least is being more subtle about it, but the damage on him just keeps getting worse. Again, while making enemies of eventual jurors is a categorically bad thing, in the case of people like Jay and Taylor, it was inevitable due to the Figgy vote. But when Jay goes to complain about Adam to the group, thereby taking the talk away from Will’s sobriety for a minute, Hannah and Zeke join in on what an asshole Adam can be. When your CLOSEST ALLIES don’t like you, your chances of winning are shot. I still personally like Adam. As someone who’s got a naturally loud voice, I can relate to the whole “shouting in confessionals” thing, and I like how focussed he is on pure strategy. Mind you, the latter point is part of his downfall, but I’ll be talking about that when we get to Tribal Council. My point is that I’ve accepted the fact that Adam will not be winning this season. He may make it to the end, but I don’t see him really acquiring the votes necessary to win it all. Enjoyable to watch, but not good for winning.

After a really pretty sunrise, we see that Sunday’s quest is not done, as she goes to Jay about the possibility of using him, Will, and Taylor to blindside Jessica, which Jay agrees to, as he doesn’t have many options at this point. What is interesting to note here, though, is that this is further proof that Hannah, Zeke, and Adam going with the old Takali was the right move. Unlike Jay, Taylor, Will, and Michelle, who were a tight, nigh-unbreakable foursome, the old Takali, while in greater numbers, have difficulty working together. Push comes to shove, they’ll join for a vote, but those old divisions are there, and working in the favor of Adam, Zeke, and Hannah. It’d be one thing if the old Takali was a solid six who COULD be broken up by a good strategist, but this isn’t the doing of Adam, Hannah, or Zeke. The old Takali are doing this to themselves, with little to no outside prompting. Again, more evidence that Jay really is wrong in saying that the move last episode was a bad one.

Our immunity challenge is only slightly more remarkable than the reward challenge. A returning challenge from “Survivor South Pacific”, our tribe members hold a large wooden bow with a ball on top of it, while standing on a balance beam. At specific intervals, contestants will move down to a narrower section of the beam. If they fall off or the ball drops, they’re out. Last one standing wins. Pretty standard difficult endurance challenge. While it is a reused one, it isn’t overdone, and as it’s been five years since we’ve seen it, I’m willing to give it a pass in that regard. What DOES bug me are the bows. Could we put in at least a LITTLE work to make them look authentic. I know we’re kind of in the era of “Plastic ‘Survivor’”, but a little more effort would be appreciated.

Speaking of things from over five years ago, we bring back a twist no seen since “Survivor Redemption Island”, presumably put on hold to distance the show as much as possible from that God-awful season. If people want to, they can opt out of the challenge and eat grilled ham and cheese sandwiches, potato chips, and imbibe some soda and beer. Except for Will. He can’t have the beer. Just thought I’d clarify it.

Once again skipping over the important decision-making part of the challenge, we cut right to finding out that only Zeke and alcohol-free Will opted out, which makes sense, especially when you consider that you’ve got surfer dudes in the challenge, as our little puritan Will points out. I’m actually surprised MORE people didn’t drop out, though I applaud them their dedication to the game.

Normally I’d just skip right to the outcome of the challenge, but I do want to draw attention to one early drop out. Bret is out pretty early on, which is no surprise for a top-heavy guy, but the look of betrayal he gives the food and drink is just priceless. You know he just wanted to drive in the “Drunken Bostonian” stereotype a LITTLE BIT MORE, and instead has to settle for Will getting drunk. Oh, wait, I forgot, Will can’t drink alcohol. I guess Probst mentioning it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREAKING CHALLENGE wasn’t enough of a reminder.

Ken ends up winning the challenge, which surprised me somewhat. This is a challenge that doesn’t favor the top-heavy, and as a man’s center of gravity is higher than a woman’s, I’d have expected one of the ladies to take it. Probably Jessica, given her performance in the previous immunity challenge. Granted, Ken is not the most top-heavy looking guy, but the center of gravity thing is still a problem. Frankly, all this means is that the immunity necklace will not impact the ultimate vote.

With talk of potential immunity idols JUST NOW coming up in our majority alliance, they agree to split the vote between Jay and Taylor. Frankly, it’s the smart move. There’s always a chance at a fracture, and splitting the vote makes it easier for the alliance to fracture, but even if two people defected to Jay’s side, making the vote 5-3-4, they’d still be down in numbers come next episode. Ultimately, the idol is a greater threat. Sunday is the only one not on board, due to wanting to use Jay, but she pulls on her big girl panties with Bret and agrees to go along with the smart move. At this point, really the only indicator that either Taylor or Jay ISN’T going home is the fact that David stated that either Taylor or Jay was going home. Usually, that means you’re safe.

As Sunday’s plan never really got off the ground, Jay and Taylor go in for one last smorgasbord before Tribal Council, where Taylor brings up that Nuclear Option he’d been talking about all episode. With Adam’s name being about as low as “General Grievous” with the pair, they agree to bring it up at Tribal Council, as a last-ditch effort to save themselves. Why they don’t bring it up BEFORE Tribal Council, when they’d be more likely to get the plan changed, is a mystery to me. I know we’ve seen plans change last minute at Tribal Council more and more over the recent seasons, but the tried and true method of getting one’s plan in place beforehand is still better.

I could take this time to talk about the good strategic double-talk, including subtle bringing up of the old Takali fractures by the old Takali, but I think our nuclear war takes precedence. While I’ve still little respect for Taylor, if you ARE going to invoke a Nuclear Option at Tribal Council, this is the way to do it. Rather than just spill the beans on Adam and hope for the best, Taylor first confesses his own food-stealing sins to the group (lumping Adam in with him in the process) so that Adam has no ammunition against him, and then tells the group about Adam’s reward steal. Taylor here is banking on the recency effect. True, he did something bad, and I’d argue something objectively worse, but by bringing up Adam second, the focus is more likely to be on Adam rather than him. Taylor also has the advantage of playing offense here. Taylor knows what he’s going to say, while Adam has to react, making his argument much less coherent. Adam, in contrast, comes off as desperately trying to salvage his reputation, admitting to most everything, but denying that he actually ate any of the food Taylor left. To make matters worse, Adam must once again do all this at full volume, making his desperation all the more apparent. All the while, Hannah tries to hide in her shirt from the awkwardness. The particular moment that highlights what makes this discussion so fascinating is Adam’s making the fair point that stealing a reward, particular the loved ones visit (which has been the crux of Taylor’s argument) ultimately doesn’t matter much in the game. Taylor points out that it affects people’s emotions, which are part of the game. Basically, Taylor is making an emotional argument. Objectively, what he did was worse, actively sabotaging a vital part of camp life, while Adam is potentially taking away something nice from something else. Adam, meanwhile, if focussing on the logic of it. In the end, his advantage isn’t much of an advantage, unless used properly, whereas Taylor has already committed an egregious offense. It’s two opposing styles of playing the game, and it’s quite dramatic to see them come to a head.

It also does a good job at highlighting what Adam’s problem in the game is. Adam is a strategist. A pretty good one too, apart from having all the subtlety of a foghorn, by which I of course mean no subtlety at all. But he’s a PURE strategist. And while “Survivor” is a strategy game, Adam seems to completely ignore the emotional aspect of the game, which is his downfall. At the end, if you can’t get people, even your own allies, to like you, you’ve got no chance at winning the game. You need both strategic intelligence and emotional intelligence. Adam has one, but not the other. Fun to watch, but ultimately a losing strategy.

Of course, the same argument could be made in reverse about Taylor, that he plays on all emotion, no logic. And that would be fair. But Taylor’s gone now, so I feel like that point is obvious.

So, what wins out in a battle of emotion vs. logic? Well, as should happen in a game of strategy, logic wins out. Taylor is sent home, which I think is the right move. True, Adam has been pretty well branded as untrustworthy by most everyone left, but he’s also been branded an asshole, making him less likely to get a counter alliance together. Therefore, he can be picked off at any time, or taken to the end as a goat. Conversely, Taylor is a likable challenge threat who could easily slip past the radar and make it to the end, even winning. Plus, I would like to remind you, the man actively sabotaged the tribe. He’s EARNED his exit. And no, I’m not sorry to see him go. Everything out of his mouth was just completely inane, and his “holier than thou” attitude that made him the stereotypical “Millennial” this season wanted just became SO ANNOYING! One could argue that he was good as someone to nag Adam, but given Adam’s current standing in the game, I’d argue that we have plenty of that. Like I said, ultimately the smart move. Our old Takali plus Adam, Zeke, and Hannah alliance has a good thing going. It may need to be shaken up, but it’s too soon.

This was a different episode for this season, and I mean that in a good way. For the first time, by NOT focussing on the “Millennials vs. Gen-X” thing, we got some intriguing debates with the emotion vs. logic thing, and we got to see both sides fracturing, with some good setups for episodes to come. Add onto that an explosive Tribal Council, and the running gag about Will not being allowed to engage in underage drinking, and you’ve got yourself one hell of an episode. So much so that it deserves a…

TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5

The merge episode is one of the more distinctive parts of the show, and a list of the best and the worst definitely bears talking about. We’re an episode late, I know, but somehow it feels like the right time to get to it. Really not much more to explain than that, so, too the list!

TOP 5

5. “Survivor MGX”: A bit of an obvious choice, given how I praised the last episode, but I think it does stand out as one of the greats over time. Granted, my personal “short list” I drew up wasn’t so short, but this merge just has a lot more little intriguing connections that bolstered it up above some of the other choices. Really, the main thing that hurts it is that this is season 33, and so we’ve seen a lot of these plotlines done before, but this season did it well enough that it earned at least a number 5 spot.

4. “Survivor Cook Islands”: Two things set this merge above others: strategy and misdirection. When people think of the good parts of this season, they mainly think of Ozzy’s challenge dominance and Yul’s strategy. Both are prominently displayed in this merge, particularly Yul’s strategy. This is where we get him persuading Jonathan Penner to flip back over, and it’s just as good as you remember it. And while it was clear from the beginning that the Aitu Four would make a comeback here, the episode actually did a really good job of keeping us in the dark as to who would flip. We got Yul working Penner, but we also got Ozzy and Nate (yes, I’m sure there was a “Nate” on the season) bonding, and a potential flip there. Go back and give it a watch. I guarantee it’s a better episode than you remember.

3. “Survivor South Pacific”: Again, while a bit obvious, we had a really good resolution to a storyline here. Cochran overcoming the bullying of the old Savaii and changing up the entire game was really well built up here, and thanks to the narration of Coach, was really well put-together. Plus, we basically got our setup for the rest of the game, which made things exceptionally interesting.

2. “Survivor The Australian Outback”: Merges with food temptation are always fun, plus we had Jeff Varner get voted out over peanut butter, which is hilarious (except to him, of course). But it’s that dramatic ending that really makes the difference. One vote, from the first episode mind you, deciding the outcome of the course of the game is quite a big finish. Though, it’s not quite as big as our number one spot.

1. “Survivor Borneo”: This is one episode where I can’t disagree with the early season purists. Holding the record for most individuals to receive votes at a single Tribal Council, this could be argued as the true birth of “Survivor” strategy, given that a popular but threatening survivalist ultimately got the axe. Even as someone who was used to threats going at the merge, this still shocked even me. Seeing Gretchen go was just that powerful. And the mystery of strategy vs. emotions, much like with this current episode, made for compelling storytelling that has yet to be beaten.

Honorable Mention: “Survivor All-Stars”: Much like the season as a whole, this merge is a mix of entertaining and painful. We got heated personal discussions, and ultimately the less-likable characters (and Rupert) winning out. What gives it an honorable mention? That look on Lex’s face when Kathy keeps her immunity. That look alone deserves mention. I’m surprised there isn’t a meme of it.

BOTTOM 5

5. “Survivor Tocantins”: Rarely is there a “bad” merge on “Survivor”, and even calling the Tocantins merge “bad” is a bit of disrespect. “Underwhelming” might be a better word. We got some obvious strategizing, and good setup for later on, but no real fireworks to stand out. Plus, due to Joe’s medical evacuation, we were robbed of even having a dramatic vote to tend the episode. That alone is what sinks this merge to the “Bottom 5” list.

4. “Survivor Nicaragua”: If the merge on “Survivor Tocantins” has the sin of being underwhelming, then this one has the sin of being incomprehensible. Alina? The person we’ve seen next to none of is the one who goes home? That’s just not the stuff of legend, and really not what a merge should be.

3. “Survivor Cambodia”: Perhaps a more personal choice, but the sudden attack on Kass this episode was a real turn-off. I won’t say she did NOTHING to deserve the boot (she did piss off majority leader Andrew Savage at the previous Tribal Council after all), but like with “Survivor All-Stars”, the personal attacks, in this case between Kass and Tasha, really just brought the whole thing down. With too many people to be truly comprehensible, and no hilarious Lex-face to compensate, this one just doesn’t stand up in the end.

2. “Survivor Thailand”: While I often complain of the merge happening too early in more recent seasons, I will concede that the merge can happen too late as well. Such is the case here. With the old Chuay Gahn up 5-3, this just became a predictable Pagonging, brought down further by the slimy Brian Heidik winning the reward challenge, and us having to, unfortunately, learn more about his personal life. Gag.

1. “Survivor Guatemala”: Yes, even one of my personal favorite seasons, and one that I feel gets a bad reputation, does have the worst merge. The one real criticism I’ve seen levied against this season, apart from being forgettable, was that the cast was largely made up of assholes. I personally take this as mostly people being butthurt about Stephenie LaGrossa, who was America’s sweetheart after “Survivor Palau” showing her more strategic side, and people being unhappy that she wasn’t as pure and wholesome as they thought. In this episode, though, I can kind of see their point. The majority tribe at the merge usually has some power of the minority, but the second iteration of Nakum REALLY came down hard on the second iteration of Yaxha here. It didn’t help that the (admittedly intriguing) twist of opting out of the challenge for food was introduced her. While a good twist in general, this one served to highlight the tribe division, making non-assholes seem like assholes, and the assholes seem like bigger assholes. Not even a really cool immunity challenge can redeem an episode where most everyone is unlikeable and the bad guys win.

Honorable Mention: “Survivor Worlds Apart”: Really, there’s not a whole lot to hate about this merge. By and large, it’s just kind of standard. In fact, it almost didn’t make either list. Then I remembered that THIS was the season that gave us “Merica” for the merge tribe name. Still don’t know what they were thinking.

Bad merges aside, this episode of the current season was still really good. Those plotlines we saw starting in this episode seem to be growing, so hopefully intrigue will be the order of the day!

Will still can’t drink alcohol.

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor San Juan del Sur” Episode 1: Where Have All The Great Women Gone?

Ah yes, the start of a new season of “Survivor”. The thrill of the adventure, the excitement of the challenges, and the… horrible smell that is the toughness nearly every single woman on this season? Yeah, a pretty good start overall, but I’ve got some major issues with it, particularly compared to most of the previous seasons. Still, perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself.

Welcome, everyone to “Idol Speculation: San Juan del Sur Edition”! The location may have changed, but the goal remains to make this blog my knee-jerk opinion that everyone is entitled to. And you’ll forgive me if I don’t refer to this season as “Survivor: San Juan del Sur: Blood vs. Water”, but it’s far too long a title without the “Blood vs. Water” colon as is, and plus I hate it when a season that blatantly reuses a theme from a previous season needs to state it that blatantly, or even just show it. As a result, this is one of the most poor Probst narrations to ever start a season. CBS must KNOW they have what is so far looking like a pretty piss-poor cast this season, because the first minute is entirely footage from the PREVIOUS “Survivor Blood vs. Water”, and in case we didn’t get the message that the season was awesome, the Probst narration has to PROVE that it’s awesome, thereby engraving the season into our skulls. The trouble is that this doesn’t leave a lot of room for the season itself.

Speaking of which, just to make the parallels to “Survivor Blood vs. Water” incredibly obvious, this season starts off with the “Day 0” twist once again. I’ll grant you, they give it a little more time than on the first “Blood vs. Water”, but in a sense it’s damning by faint praise, since that twist amounted to almost nothing that first time. Both seem to serve the purpose of giving Probst more time for his narration, which he uses to cover the stereotypes of each pair, which I already discussed during the “Cast Assessment” Blog, so I won’t be repeating it here. And at least the first Day 0 gave us plenty of vehicle porn. Here, Probst just sits in a helicopter while everyone in the jungle tries to make fire. Only one vehicle, and it’s an overused one at that. Look, Probst, I get that it was cool to have you dangle outside a helicopter during “Survivor All-Stars”, but it’s gotten really old since then. Find a new mode of transport.

In fairness, though, we do get a FEW important relationship tidbits out of the Day 0 twist this time. Mainly, we reemphasize the fact alluded to earlier, namely that the women this season SUCK! Going through them out of order, we see that nearly everyone has some strike against them. Val seems the best of the bunch, but that’s because we don’t see much of her until the first challenge. Jaclyn comes off pretty well, but even then, she comes off WAY too attached to her boyfriend Jon, and looks for praise from him a bit too much. The supposedly strong “twinnies” (as an aside, I REALLY hate that term. It’s just way too cutsie) begin bitching at each other when they can’t get fire in the first five minutes (I should note that all pairs were given flint and steel at the start), and then beg for help when the Probstcopter flies by. Kelley, rather than being the strong farming type she seemed like she might be, lets her father, Dale, do all the work while she worries about his health. Julie McGee, the girlfriend of former Atlanta Braves Pitcher John Rocker, CLAIMS to be strong, but then frets about the number of crabs at their campsite. And, in what in my mind is the nail in the coffin of most of the women, Missy and Baylor freak, and become completely paranoid over howler monkeys. I can understand being freaked out by the noise the first time (assuming you haven’t seen “Survivor Guatemala”, of course), but they’re CONSTANTLY looking behind themselves. They’re howler monkeys! Even with no knowledge of zoology, you should know they’re relatively harmless. I suppose, in fairness, I’m exaggerating the reactions of the women a bit, except in the case of Missy and Baylor. My problem is that we’ve had SO MANY GOOD WOMEN over the past few seasons, who could survive and strategize with the best of them, that seeing this return to relative wimpiness and weakness in the women, just makes me sick. I keep imagining Kim Spradlin (“Survivor One World”), Tina Wesson (“Survivor The Australian Outback”), Denise Stapely (“Survivor Philippines”), and Kass McQuillen (“Survivor Cagayan”), along with all the other strong women “Survivor” has cast in the past, watching these women with great shame.

Still, perhaps it’s unfair of me to dislike these women by comparison, so let’s talk about the only other things of significance to come out of the Day 0 footage. Probst apparently got his wish of having Neil Patrick Harris on “Survivor”, as he has shown up with what I can only assume is his life partner, some guy named Reed. Now as Neil Patrick Harris is an awesome actor, and I quite loved “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog”, I’m totally pleased with this casting choice. The only thing I can’t figure out is why Reed keeps calling Neil Patrick Harris “Josh”. Perhaps it’s some NPH role I’ve never heard of. John Rocker and his girlfriend serve a twofold purpose: we find out that John is a terrible liar, in that he states that he is not a racist, and no one in the audience believes him, and it gives Probst a chance to make a terrible “pitching” pun. But the big reveal comes in Wes and Keith, who manage to lose the striker for their flint very quickly. How will this come into play? Join me in the next paragraph.

Once everyone is brought it, Probst wastes no time in asking them if they made fire. Most people raise their hand, including Reed and Neil Patrick Harris. For some reason, Probst also insists on calling Neil Patrick Harris “Josh”. Clearly, the man has lost his marbles. One thing I noticed, that I find significant, is that Jeremy and Val, despite the fact that we SAW them with fire, do not raise their hands. This implies to me that the pair discussed how they were going to handle themselves before the start of the game, forward thinking we won’t see from most people this season. It’s a plus in their book, at least. Another pair who don’t raise their hands (though they, at least, are telling the truth) is Wes and Keith, and we get a fairly funny bit from them about it.
Probst then divides the tribes by the very complicated method of “Pick an envelope, and take whichever buff you get”. A nice, random method, but a bit boring. Ok, it’s better than the pretentious paint-filled eggs we’ve been subjected to so often over the past few seasons, but it’s still pretty boring. And actually, I kind of doubt its randomness. You see, CBS ultimately has final say over what people wear going into the game, and it’s become increasingly clear that in recent years, they like people to wear clothes in colors that match their tribe color. Call me a conspiracy nut, but the clothes colors of people match the tribes they ended up on just a little TOO closely. Ok, there are some exceptions. For example, I’d call John Rocker’s clothes closer to blue than orange. Even so, there are some matches that just seem way too improbable. What particularly makes me suspicious is that Baylor’s nails are painted orange. That seems like something CBS would mandate, but would only make sense if Baylor ended up on the Orange tribe. I am suspicious.

Speaking of the tribes, it can now be confirmed that the names of the tribes this time are Coyopa (Orange) and Hunahpu (Blue), the latter of which has to be one of the worst tribe names I’ve ever heard. I mean, Coyopa is generic but ok, but Hunahpu? Word of advice: If your last syllable sounds like a bodily function, there’s something wrong with it.

The tribes thus divided, Probst prophetically asks Jeremy what it’s like to now have to play against his wife. Jeremy states that it’s hard, because he wants to take care of Val, which prompts Val to say that she’s quite capable of taking care of herself. ALLELUIA! One woman who can measure up to the legacy I brought up earlier! I suppose for every annoying twinnie *shudder*, there is an angle named Val. Now, I’m not too proud of what could be perceived as a slightly chauvinistic statement from Jeremy, but going back to what I was saying earlier, I feel like this might have been planned out. In his speech, Jeremy expresses a desire to win and work with his tribe, while also coming off as compassionate. A nice mix of determined and conflicted, the same mix that worked well on the last “Blood vs. Water”. Can’t fault him for going based off of what worked before. This then leads Probst into the first challenge, which will be a one-on-one duel for the reward of flint. Probst has the tribes decide on who picks first by a friendly game of rock-paper-scissors. Come on, Probst, that’s just lame. Surely there’s an ancient Mayan Roulette wheel you could have appropriated for deciding who picks first. Hunahpu, or Hunah Poo-Poo as I will henceforth be calling them, because I’m five years old, wins the right to pick first, and Jeremy demonstrates his commitment to the team by forcefully volunteering himself. Probst then reveals that all reward challenges in the tribal phase will be one-on-one competitions, and that each time, whoever goes up will face their loved one, giving Val a chance to prove herself over her husband. Once again, Jeremy pulls off a good combination of sadness and determinism, the grief piled on still further by a glorious Probst, who tells them that whoever loses will be sent to the now-resurrected Exile Island.

Before I get to the challenge itself, and my thoughts on how Exile Island is being handled this season, let me state that I am NOT happy that all reward challenges are one-on-one in the tribal phase this time. It was one of my problems with any season with the Redemption Island twist, and it’s one of my problems here. Now, I’ve heard that a lot of people don’t mind this, as they consider the challenges the least important aspect of “Survivor” overall. I admit this is true, but I would counter that they’re an important part of the legacy. Hell, one of the reasons I became hooked on “Survivor” was the challenges. Yes, they’re not AS important to the game as strategy, but they’re important to the spectacle. When you scale them down, you lose spectacle. One of the things I’ve realized from doing my off-season “Retrospective” series is that individual challenges often pale in comparison to tribal challenges. This is understandable, as fewer people means challenges generally become less epic in scale, but this means that taking away ANYTHING from the tribal phase challenges is a major loss. Even if most people don’t, I will miss the big reward challenges.

As to the challenge itself, it’s pretty ok. Not a rehash of any one challenge, but a mix of a few, although it does bear a striking resemblance to several challenges from “Survivor Guatemala”. Actually, a LOT of the season bears an aesthetic resemblance to “Survivor Guatemala”. Hey, CBS, try finding a DIFFERENT THEME! Maybe one you haven’t used before!

Gotta focus. Challenge. Challenge. Right. Yes, I actually kind of like this challenge. Val and Jeremy race to untangle a rope that has two rings attached to it. Once each ring is untangled, they will use it like a grappling hook to hook two platforms one at a time. The first person to get the two platforms wins. This is a clever challenge, and changes things up just enough to avoid my wrath. I particularly like using platforms rather than bags like these types of challenges usually do. Do I wish it was epic in scale like tribal reward challenges SHOULD be? Yes, but it’s still not a half-bad challenge. It’s also fairly evenly matched, as it’s not strength-based (not that Val is weak, by any stretch, but Jeremy is BUILT). Still, I give a slight edge to Jeremy, as I feel like fireman’s training might include throwing things like grappling hooks.

Despite an early tight race, Jeremy pulls ahead and ultimately wins. Jeremy once again expresses his mixed emotions over winning, and expresses a desire to “take care” of his wife. Um, Jeremy? We got the message. You can stop being so concerned now. Makes you seem a bit chauvinistic. Probst tells Jeremy that he must now send one person from Hunah Poo-Poo to Exile Island with Val. Jeremy does not hesitate and chooses Keith, on the basis that he can, say it with me now, “take care of his wife”. Probst lampshades how poor of a choice this seems, due to the aforementioned losing of the striker, but I think it shows a bit of a deeper thinking. Perhaps like Sarah Lacina’s “Cop-Dar” on “Survivor Cagayan”, Jeremy has a bit of “Fireman-dar”, as both he and Keith are firemen. On top of this, I suspect that Jeremy correctly surmised that an older man would be more chivalrous, and take things in stride, making Keith a good choice to send. Besides, apparently it was Wes who lost the striker anyway.

WES: HEY!

MATT: Oh, Good God, THIS early in the season? I’m getting sick of this running gag…

WES: Don’t you get smart with me! It was my DAD that lost the striker!

MATT: No, no, get out of my apartment, it is FAR too early in the season to have you people bursting in and criticizing me!

(Slams door in Wes’ face).

Now, as I was saying, Exile Island. I’m not happy with it. I don’t mind the sending of two people, but the winner picking someone from their own tribe to go with the loser also exactly copies “Survivor Micronesia”. And jumping ahead a bit, the method of deciding who gets the hidden immunity idol clue (each person picks an urn; one has a clue and one a blank piece of paper) exactly copies “Survivor Tocantins”. The reason I was excited for Exile Island this season was that I feel it was retired before its time. There were still a lot of potential cool new ways to handle Exile Island, but they’re just resting on their laurels this time (kind of the theme for the season). On top of that, they’re denying us full-on reward challenges this time around for a reused Exile Island. Not cool, CBS. Still, with that said, I actually do like one layer of strategy with Exile Island: how much info you give in your picks. In previous seasons, when two people went, the tribes didn’t know anyone on the other side, so it was hard to pick up alliance patterns. This season, with everyone knowing someone else on the other tribe, people are going to have to think about who they send. You don’t want to send someone opposing you alliance-wise, because your loved one is there, but sending someone you’re close with might cause that alliance to become known. It’s an interesting dilemma, and the one saving grace of Exile Island.

As both tribes leave, we once again get Jeremy talking about how sad he is that he got his wife sent to Exile Island. Look, dude, chivalry is nice, but you’re taking it WAY too far! It’s getting disturbing, and I’m REALLY starting to question your attitudes towards women now.

Matters aren’t helped for me on this score when Hunah Poo-Poo arrives at camp. They seem cordial, but Jeremy is fired up after sending his wife to Exile Island. For some reason, he sees doing well as a bad thing, and believes he needs to make an alliance very quickly. Since he claims to have a natural rapport with women, he starts with Kelley, and works his way through Missy and Natalie. Unfortunately, NONE of them are the least bit put off by his need to take care of his woman, and find it endearing. Natalie even goes so far as to call Jeremy her “male twinnie”. Oh God, BAD IMAGE, BAD IMAGE!

I guess I can see how it would be kind of attractive to have a big strong guy taking care of you, but it just seems like a sign of weakness on the part of these women. Again, I just get the image of strong women from “Survivor’s” past shaking their heads in dismay at this reliance on a man. To be fair, I may be being too hard on Jeremy. All the women say they like him regardless, and he does seem to have charisma, so perhaps the need to take care of his wife is just augmenting his natural charm. So, perhaps I’m jumping the gun a bit in calling Jeremy chauvinistic, but for all he keeps talking about it, I’m beginning to wonder how much of his attitude towards his wife is exaggerated. Seems to me she can take care of herself just fine, dude. Why worry so much? Still, he does seem to respect the women he’s with to some degree. At least he hasn’t named his alliance the “Dumb-Ass Girl” alliance or anything. That would just be awful!

While gender is the order of the day at Hunah Poo-Poo, age is the order of the day at Coyopa. They came out on the younger side of things, a fact that Nadiya is quick to point out, in an incredibly offensive way, basically describing Dale as “ancient” for being in his fifties. Well, we can add “ageist” to the list of WONDERFUL qualities attributable to Natalie and Nadiya. Still, even without offensive remarks make about his age, Dale notices the divide, and sets about proving himself by making fire with his glasses. Baylor chimes in at this point that she didn’t even know this was possible, and that Dale is isolating himself while most everyone else attempts to make fire via the “rubbing sticks” method. Ok, the latter is a good observation, but of the former: Welcome back, Kat Eddorson of “Survivor One World”! You were not missed, but evidently you see fit to come back anyway. Yay.
Dale ends up sacrificing his glasses for the cause, breaking them in half to double the magnification, and eventually gets fire. This earns him a few brownie points, and really makes me like the guy, but he’s still on thin ice. Also, take THAT Baylor! It was totally possible!

Meanwhile, on Exile Island, we get confirmation that Keith is one of those “actually dumb” rednecks, as opposed to the “playing dumb” rednecks most people prefer watching. Despite claiming to be a fan of the show, Dale doesn’t realize that the note Val is reading (she got the correct urn) is probably a clue to the hidden immunity idol. Val tells a lie that it only pertains to her tribe, and she does a good job selling it via acting, but that’s such a vague and weak answer that I’m amazed Keith doesn’t question it. Good for Val on keeping the clue to herself if possible. When it comes to anything with the hidden immunity idol, the fewer people know, the better. Still, Keith doesn’t come away empty-handed. Val reveals that Jeremy is also a fireman, which makes Keith respect him all the more. Man, Jeremy’s charm is so thick, it even transcends geography. And speaking of geography, I kind of like this Exile Island. It stands out for its sparseness. Nearly every other Exile Island had some kind of structure placed on it that dominated the landscape (or at least, augmented the landscape that was already there). This one has a small courtyard where the urns are but that’s it. It’s actually a refreshing change. Not to say that this Exile Island (or, should I say, Exile Peninsula) isn’t distinctive, no, it has a giant rock for that. Seriously, it’s a powerful image, particularly from the many helicopter shots we get of it, and so this is an Exile Island look I can get behind.

When first we return to Hunah Poo-Poo, it seems as though Drew will become suspicious of Jeremy, but it quickly devolves into the much less interesting Drew going on and on about how much of a leader he is in building the shelter. Props to Julie for calling out what is obviously a very stupid move, but it surprises me a little bit. True, Drew never seemed like the brightest bulb on the Hanukah Tree, but I thought he had more sense than this. I think the problem is in the dynamic. While Coyopa is skewed younger, Hunah Poo-Poo is skewed older, meaning Drew is not naturally looked upon as a leader. I get the feeling, however, that Drew is USED to leading, and so, as the youngest of the guys, can only establish his dominance by telling everyone of his dominance. This will, of course, backfire, and I look forward to his eventual ironic elimination.

John Rocker, meanwhile, is feeling the heat at Coyopa. Wes, being something of a baseball fan, thinks he might have figured out John’s true identity, which John had wanted to keep secret. He’s not 100% certain, however, and so quizzes John. Despite Wes appearing to not have a clue, and getting a few details wrong, John comes clean and swears Wes to secrecy, forming an alliance. However, John admits that he’s afraid of Wes, and might need to get rid of him, now that he’s in on the secret. I must disagree with this strategy, however. When you’re in the position of wanting to hide a secret, you want to keep that person as close as possible. In alienating them or voting them out, you give them incentive to tell your secret. Nothing stops someone from blurting out the secret once you’ve betrayed them. If, however, you ally with them, this gives them incentive to keep you around, as your benefits are their benefits, and getting rid of you does no good. Then again, this is John Rocker, so it’s not exactly a brain trust.

Antics, and I use the term loosely, abound at Hunah Poo-Poo, as Jon takes after “Survivor Guatemala” alumnus Cindy Hall, and imitates the call of the howler monkey. This is not funny and serves no strategic purpose. What we get from Coyopa next is slightly funnier, but only just. Neil Patrick Harris complains of a burning sensation in his eye, which Nadiya loudly declares is because they accidentally used toxic leaves in the roof of their shelter. They get rid of them. Nice to see some of the trial and error in survival for once, and the pain of others is always a bit funny. Beyond that, though, it’s pointless.

CHALLENGE TIME! And we get one of the better first immunity challenges in a while. After getting under a zigzagging crawlthrough, the tribes lift up members to untie high up bags. One bag contains a rope, the other two pegs. Using these supplies and each other, the tribes then scale a three-stage wall, where four of them solve a puzzle to win immunity. While not the most original, it does have elements that we haven’t seen for a while that I enjoy (the zigzagging crawlthrough), and we get multiple ways of climbing the wall, as opposed to just one. An original, fairly difficult puzzle makes me like the challenge, but one aspect of the execution makes me love it. I’ve complained over the past few seasons that the tribes are too small or broken up to make for a good first challenge. Here, there’s an emphasis on teamwork, and with few exceptions, the tribe sticks together, making for an awesome first challenge. Maybe that’s the problem: we can only have good challenges if the cast is awful.

I’ll admit, this challenge fooled me. This is a very athletic challenge, and Coyopa overall is more athletic. On top of this, the only strategy we got from Coyopa was John Rocker not liking Wes, while Hunah Poo-Poo seemed to have a “Drew Fails” storyline in the works, particularly due to a close-up of Missy heckling Drew at one point. But Hunah Poo-Poo comes back on the puzzle and wins the whole thing, which I suppose is not too surprising. No one on this season seems to be very puzzle oriented, but Reed seems to come the closest. Since he seems to lead Hunah Poo-Poo in this part, they win. Good for them.

Celebrating their victory, Jeremy catches Keith up on the goings on of Hunah Poo-Poo, and cements him into what I’m now calling “Firemen-R-Us”. Good for Jeremy. He seems very proactive at controlling the tribe, and seems set up to be the power broker for the tribe.

With Tribal Council looming, the Coyopa men get together. They agree that Val deserves a chance, so her name’s off the chopping block. Val, being the only woman who is proactive and not an idiot this season, goes looking for the idol anyway, with no success. In the meantime, the men all agree that Nadiya needs to go, after Drew correctly points out that Nadiya is a known volatile quantity, and the tribe would be better off without her. I can’t fault this thinking, as it’s the move I suggested myself.

Neil Patrick Harris smartly says “Yes” to every deal, but is open when Nadiya approaches him to take out Dale, based on his age. This plan is furthered by Val wanting to form a “girls” alliance, which Nadiya says Neil Patrick Harris will join. He’s somewhat put off, though, because Nadiya refers to him as a girl at one point due to his sexuality. Looks like we can add “stereotype homosexuals” to their growing list of good qualities. Oh hey, it’s Brad Culpepper (“Survivor Blood vs. Water”) reborn! Ok, that’s not fair, Nadiya seems able to do basic math.
With Baylor saying she’ll side with whatever Neil Patrick Harris says, it seems down to him to decide which way the vote will go. From a strategic standpoint, I’d still say get rid of Nadiya. Physically, she’s stronger than Dale, but it’s not as though Dale brings NOTHING to the table, Nadiya is, as stated, a volatile element that does not need to be there, and with Baylor on your side, you can easily flip things to vote off Dale later if need be. We’ll see what he does. I do have to say, though, that I’m glad Neil Patrick Harris is at the center of things. I’m liking him a lot, and again, he seems to be one of the few people with his head on his shoulders.

Tribal Council is average, both in content and in look. I’ll give credit that there aren’t that many stone-based tribal councils, but aside from that, it really doesn’t stand out much. The snuffer is pretty cool, a skull with some sort of turquoise on it, but other than that, nothing. The tribe dynamics are gone over. Dale talks about being the outcast, and Nadiya explains the age gap. She also once again refers to Neil Patrick Harris as a girl, which I’m sure does her no favors. Even so, I still think Dale will go home, just because he’s had more screentime. I’m pleasantly surprised, therefore, that Nadiya gets sent home. I’m not sorry to see her go. It seems like she would only have gotten worse as time went on, and I think it was the smart move overall. Even Val, once again showing shrewdness, changed her vote to Nadiya, which is good in that it avoided a tie and got rid of the right person. What I can’t figure out is why Neil Patrick Harris voted for Baylor. Dude, don’t you WANT to align with her? Voting for her does not help this goal in the slightest.

This is a fairly average start to the season. We get a fair amount of groundwork laid for interesting dynamics in the future, and some nice challenges. Still, there are a lot of problems with this season so far. The women are overall very weak, both physically and mentally. The episode seemed too long for itself. I mean, did we really NEED to see Jon talk to howler monkeys? I think an hour would have been plenty to get across what was needed.

Still, better too much than too little, I suppose. The real problem, however, is how much this season is trying to be “Survivor Blood vs. Water”. One of the things that makes “Survivor” great is how it is so dynamic. It’s amongst the most innovative shows out there, due simply to the fact that it can drastically change season to season. By copying a previous season, you dilute this. Even so, there’s some potential here, and I’m not prepared to write off the season just yet. I am, however, prepared to write another:

TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5!

I had a lot of topic choices for this one, but I’m going with a subject I’ve wanted to do for a while: Tribe names. I’m talking exclusively non-merge based names here, and translations do matter. Other than that, anything goes, so let’s find out what I like with:

TOP 5:

5. Yasur (“Survivor Vanuatu”): Above all else, you want your tribe name to sound badass. And what’s more badass than an active volcano? Apart from this, the name Yasur also stands out for starting with an uncommon letter, making it memorable. Longer tribe names are preferable to me, so Yasur ends up on the bottom of the list, but it’s still pretty awesome.

4. Kalabaw (“Survivor Philippines”): This one’s a bit odd, as I can’t really articulate why I like it. There’s just some sort of a very raw, primal feeling that comes with saying the name. This invokes power, and I feel like this is one of those names that’s fun to scream at the top of your lungs, which is always a good thing to have. Plus, being named after a water buffalo is pretty intimidating. They’re fierce creatures.

3. Jalapao (“Survivor Tocantins”): Like Kalabaw, this is another name that’s just fun to say, and invokes a certain feeling of power. Jalapao gets the higher spot, however, because I can better articulate why it’s better. It has the word “POW” written right into the name. If you don’t get a feeling of power from a sound effect from the old “Batman” show, you’re just not living.

2. Drake (“Survivor Pearl Islands”): Normally, whenever “Survivor” gives a tribe an English name, I hate it. It just seems very un-“Survivor”. The show should celebrate other cultures, not the one of the country it’s based in. Drake, though, is the exception. Unlike a lot of other English Tribe names, this one lends a certain dignity to the tribe, and actually seems somewhat intimidating. And, again, it’s another one that’s fun to yell out loud.

1. Samburu (“Survivor Africa”): This is a name that combines the best of all possible worlds. It celebrates the host culture, it’s fun to say, it’s relevant to the theme of the season, and given how Samburu warriors have been built up in popular media, it just feels so right.

Honorable Mention: Yaxha (“Survivor Guatemala”): This one almost beat out Yasur. It starts with the same letter as Yasur, but also has an “X” in it, which as everyone knows, adds coolness. It’s another fun to say one, but doesn’t make the list partly because while I get a feeling of power from it, I don’t get an image like I do with a lot of the other tribes, and partly because I have a lot of nostalgia for “Survivor Guatemala”, and worry about favoritism.

BOTTOM 5

5. Zapatera (“Survivor Redemption Island”): This one’s a bit of an odd choice for this list, as I actually kind of like the way it sounds. Fun to yell, fairly intimidating, I should like this one. However, from what little Spanish I know, I believe “Zapatera” is derived from the word for “show”, which is not the least bit intimidating. I put this one at the bottom because I’m not 100% certain on my translation, but if I’m right, this is an awful name.

4. Heroes (“Survivor Heroes vs. Villains): Remember how I said I don’t like English Tribe names? Yeah, this is the worst of it. I’ll grant you that it fit the theme of the season, which is why it’s as low on the list as it is, but it seems lame, and doesn’t make sense. There are no objective “Heroes” on “Survivor”. We shouldn’t have a tribe explicitly dedicated to them either.

3. Hunah Poo-Poo (“Survivor San Juan del Sur”): As I said before, any tribe name that resembles a bodily function is not a good idea. But overall, this just fails as a name in general. As far as I know it doesn’t translate into anything, intimidating or otherwise, is tricky to say and spell, and doesn’t seem like it’s fun to yell. Very few positives at all for this one, though at least the translation doesn’t hurt it like it does the entries above it.

2. La Flor (“Survivor Nicaragua”): Flowers do not equal intimidation, particularly when the opposing tribe name translates to “sword”. Need I say more?

1. Chuay Gahn (“Survivor Thailand”): This one fails on multiple levels. I’ll give a few points for using actual Thai words, but could you have come up with ones that better translate? Having your tribe named “To Help One Another” doesn’t exactly strike fear into the opponent’s hearts. ON top of this, even if it is grammatically correct Thai, it still sounds stupid. It sounds like a petulant kid who had his Chewbacca plushie taken away (“Chewey Gone!”). Just a bad idea overall.

Honorable Mention: Luzon (“Survivor Cagayan”): There’s nothing technically wrong with this name, but when the losing tribe of the season has the word “lose” in their name, it needs to be acknowledged as a bad idea.

Well, after an average start to the season, I’m averagely tired. See you next week!
-Matt
Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

“Survivor” Retrospectives-Guatemala

How do I do it?  How can I be expected to review “Survivor Guatemala”?  It’s a season near and dear to my heart, the first season I saw that I realized what the show was, the season that got me hooked, my version of “Survivor Borneo”.  Without Guatemala, my life would be drastically different.  How can I review it with any sense of fairness?

Well, with no new “Survivor Philippines” cast to save me this time, I have no choice but to look back on the season that started this 8-year obsession, and decide whether or not it still holds up today.  Go figure, my first real “Survivor” blog back from Australia, and I get one of the toughest retrospectives I’ll have to do.  No sense beating about the bush, I suppose, except to remind everyone, due to the long absence, that “Survivor Retrospectives” will contain spoilers.  Those wanting to know my general take on the season and its watchability, without knowing the outcome, can scroll to the bottom of the page, where I will have an “Abstract” section, that will be spoiler-free.  I will also remind everyone that this type of blog works by my scoring each season out of 10 on its cast, challenges, twists, and overall effect, leading to a total score of 40 given at the end of the “Overall” section.  With all that kerfluffle out of the way, let’s take a critical look at “Survivor Guatemala”.

 

CAST

On paper, you could say this is objectively the worst cast that “Survivor” has ever produced, and back up that argument reasonably well.  This is one of only TWO seasons that were not at least half-returnee that have never had a returnee originally from their season (and if the rumored “Survivor Blood vs. Water” cast is correct, Guatemala will soon be the ONLY season with this distinction).  Another distinction of this cast is that it’s the first to have the “2 returnees, one for each tribe” twist that has become so reviled recently.  I’ll be discussing the implications of this twist in the “Twist” section, as well as a mention in the “Overall” section, but the bulk of it really needs to be addressed here, as the returnees are some of the better-remembered people from this season.  In this case, the returnees were from the previous season, “Survivor Palau”, and were two members of the ill-fated Ulong tribe, specifically Stephenie LaGrossa and Bobby Jon Drinkard.  Both were well-remembered, at least, Stephenie for being America’s sweetheart, the last woman standing, and Bobby Jon for having the work-ethic that wouldn’t quit.  Stephenie got a good portion of screen-time, and I’ll talk about the impact of that screen-time in the “Overall” section, but suffice to say her character was not as well-received this time around.  Determined to make up for her mistakes from Palau, Stephenie was much more cutthroat, much more sarcastic, and overall just much more unpleasant to watch than previously, and is remembered as something of the villain of the season.  Bobby Jon, in contrast, kept his character pretty well from Palau, though he did bring a better social game, and was much more humble than he had been previously.  He’s less well-remembered, but was received about the same as he was on Palau.

And then we come to the original characters, one of whom was defined by his interactions with the returnees.  I’m speaking of the hotheaded Jamie Newton, who made a big deal of the fact that he was from Georgia, whereas Bobby Jon was from Alabama, and therefore the two HAD to rivals.  It didn’t help that they were on opposing teams until the merge, and therefore had many chances to butt heads (literally, in one case) and take potshots at each other verbally.  Jamie’s also well known for being excessively paranoid, even by “Survivor” standards, and accordingly got a very early comeuppance.  Combine this with the fact that he wasn’t a fan of Stephenie from the beginning, and you have a character the audience found really unpleasant.  Sure, I’ll admit that his interactions with Bobby Jon were a bit unpleasant, but they were intense enough to hold my interest.  He dropped the “Stephenie must go.” strategy very quickly, and the paranoia was quite fascinating to watch.  Now the person who ORGANIZED the realization of Jamie’s paranoia was a fan and personal favorite: young gay Mormon Rafe Judkins, this season’s moral compass.  Rafe played a very quiet strategic game early on, and seemed to come into a good alliance with Stephenie later in the game, but Rafe did make good moves on his own, breaking away from Stephenie at times, and almost always finding favor with the jury, such that had he made the finals, he probably would have won (but that’ll get a bit of talk in the “Twist” section).  Rafe, though, also struggled with his role in the game, famously asking later on if he was a part of the “Axis of Evil”.  The crowds loved his moral compass and his quirky nature, as well as his seeming lack of caring about the game as a whole.  Not that he wasn’t invested in doing well, of course, just that he didn’t care as much if he won or not, and was happy wherever he landed.  As Rafe is one of the people who got me interested in “Survivor”, I have to say, I agree with the crowd.

But of course, for every person the crowd loves, there has to be someone the crowd hates, and that someone is Judd Sergeant, the very New York Doorman who CLAIMED to be the moral guardian of the season.  Looking at Judd, just based on size you’d guess he’d be something of a big, forceful personality, and even this wouldn’t begin to show just the extent of Judd’s personality.  The man did pretty much whatever he wanted, got very loud and defensive, played favorites, and all while spitting out a few good one-liners (upon being voted out, he wished every remaining member of the tribe had their heads bitten off by a crocodile, before muttering “Scumbags.”).  People just thought he was rude as all-get-out, and couldn’t wait to see him go, making his continued time in the game (Judd finished in 6^th overall) a real eyesore to some people, but again, I have to disagree.  While Judd was not the most pleasant character to be around, we’d had some people who were worse (Brian Heidik of “Survivor Thailand” come to mind, and to use a more recent example, Russell Hantz of “Survivor Samoa”), and Judd at least brought a bit of humor to the season.  I’ll admit the hypocrisy of claiming to be a “moral guardian” of “Survivor” wore thin very quickly, but on the other hand, as a student of psychology, I quite enjoyed seeing how self-centered our perceptions could be.  Judd wasn’t full of himself, he was just interpreting events in such a way that they made him out to be better than he was.  Nothing criminal about that.  I suggested he be brought back for “Survivor Caramoan” as I recall, so obviously I find him to be a better character than most do.

Now, Judd argued with a lot of people, but probably one of the most famous was the “Hidden Immunity Idol” argument (which will be discussed in the “Twist” section) with ex-NFL Quarterback Gary Hogeboom.  Gary is best known for pioneering the “Lie about your profession” strategy (even though Willard of “Survivor Palau” had done it before), as he thought that being a former quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys (most famously) might work against him, due to the perception that he’d have a lot of money.  Gary’s hidden job was the subject of many early episodes, as it was quite elaborate.  Gary even went so far as to create a fake identity for himself (as Gary Hawkins), and claimed to own a landscaping business.  Not a bad lie, I must say, and while many, including myself, decried it as unnecessary at the time, it was still good fodder for some interesting storylines, and looking back at the season, Gary actually wasn’t a half-bad strategist, all things considered.  I wouldn’t mind seeing him come back either.

Another somewhat controversial character would be Lydia Morales.  Not that she was particularly dynamic, far from it.  She was, if anything, a PG version of Sandra Diaz-Twine of “Survivor Pearl Islands”.  However, like Sandra before her, she was able to get by one what few skills she had (in this case being nice and fishing ability) to make it well beyond what her physically weak body should have been able to handle.  A good underdog story, but I’ll admit it wasn’t played very well, to the point that I’m ashamed to say even I don’t think about her amongst the greats, which is too bad, as she does have potential.

Surprisingly, three of the most talked about people from this season did not even make the merge, usually a requirement for “Survivor” greatness.  Those people would be Margaret Bobonich, the nurse who was essential to the Nakum tribe in the early days, Amy O’Hara, the cop with the twisted ankle, and probably most well-remembered today, my fellow “Survivor” nerd Brian Corridan.  I’ll admit, I came in late to the season, and so I missed all three of these people on my first viewing, but even in re-viewings, I still managed to like them a lot.  Margaret won her way into the hearts of viewers and contestants alike (save for Judd) by using her nursing skills to nurse the Nakum tribe back to health after nearly killing themselves on the first challenge, and for having a generally sunny disposition.  Now, I don’t normally go in for such people, but with a number of sour attitudes due to the harsh environment (the worst “Survivor” has ever done, in my opinion), it was a refreshing breeze.  Amy O’Hara is one that I’m surprised has never come back.  She’s best remembered for having a mouth on her (always a small treat), and for injuring her ankle fairly seriously in the 3^rd episode, yet still carrying on for quite some time, even doing excessively well in the challenges in a few cases.  There’s something about that fighting spirit that I and the viewing public both seem to like, and even though she wasn’t top notch at strategy, I still couldn’t help but root for her.  The one TRUE strategist of the season, you might say, was Brian, who, despite his short time in the game, made a few important moves, notably leading a drive to save Lydia, a close ally of his, and even more impressively, saving his own skin from elimination when in the minority on the flipped Yaxha (might I also add, these are some of the coolest tribe names EVER) via the game of “Bait Blake” he enacted against “Golden Boy” Blake Towsley.  Besides this, he’s alos one of the more active former contestants on the internet from ANY season, which may help keep him in the minds of the fan community.  Although I found him a bit annoying at first, I grew to like and respect him for his moves, and I was sad to see him go.  Maybe the season would have been better in the eyes of the public if this guy had been the major strategic force of the season, instead of Stephenie.

While these are all very good characters, and the start to a solid season, sadly most of the others, particularly the early boots were duds, just overall uninteresting characters.  While those who made it late into the game were generally better characters, the few who did sneak through really dragged the season down.  Hell, eventual winner Danni Boatwright is not talked about today at all in either a good or a bad capacity, and you KNOW that’s a bad sign when your WINNER doesn’t elicit strong emotions from the fanbase.  Still, for reasons I’ll get into in the “Overall” section, I think people give this season a hard time, and it’s cast, while not stellar, is still remarkably solid, with many gems in there.

Score: 8 out of 10

 

CHALLENGES

The challenges of Guatemala are a bit of an odd duck.  Aside from the first challenge (an 11 mile trek through the jungle, which is commonly considered the hardest challenge ever on the show, which I would agree with), not many of them every really get talked about.  None became staples of the series, but 11 seasons in, I admit that becomes harder.  What I will give the challenges is that they were epic in scale.  I’ll talk more about it in the “Twist” section, but they really pulled out all the stops with the size and artwork on this season.  There were a lot of large courses and big objects in these challenges, which made things look very impressive and fun.  Hell, one of my favorite challenges ever, the mine cart pull, comes from this season.  Sadly, a lot of what I’m talking about comes from the pre-merge challenges.  While this season had a thing for ropes, even pre-merge, a lot of the challenges post-merge felt repetitive and weak, particularly in terms of scale.  So yeah, a very mixed bag on this one, and while I’m not a huge fan of the post-merge challenges (aside from aesthetically), the pre-merge makes up for it pretty well.  Not a stellar season for challenges, but still quite impressive.

Score: 6 out of 10

 

TWISTS

Of course, one can’t talk about the twists of “Survivor Guatemala” without talking about the elephant in the room, that being the return of Stephenie and Bobby Jon from “Survivor Palau”.  Due to its overuse in recent seasons, a lot of people have complained about this twist, but I think maybe a bit overmuch.  True, I, like most others, think it is not a perfect twist, and certainly much overused since “Survivor Redemption Island”.  Still, I think this iteration of it was ok.  While Stephenie did hog the screentime a little bit, she also was a major player this season, so it’s understandable.  You’ll note that Bobby Jon, who was also a returnee, got considerably less screentime than many of the new players, because he didn’t do as much.  So yeah, I let this twist slide because of that, because it was the first time this twist was done, and because, well, Stephenie and Bobby Jon kind of DID deserve to come back after the performance of the Ulong tribe.

Also of note is another “immediate challenge” twist.  This would be the aforementioned 11-mile hike at the beginning of the season, the toughest challenge ever given.  The reward, which was kind of a twist, was bragging rights and a slightly better campsite (though not much better, THAT twist wouldn’t come until “Survivor Fiji”).  Not bad stakes, and helped by the tribes having to decide what to carry to camp, a la “Survivor Africa”.  Pretty good way to start the season.

Things then calmed down until episode 4.  During a very unique challenge in which tribes had to vote on which members of their own tribes got rewards (everything from a shower to a picnic lunch), the tribes were divided in a new, albeit perhaps unfair, way.  Brian put it best at the reunion show: “Who has the most tribe pride?  Oh, it’s you?  Well SCREW YOU, you’re in the minority!”  While I can see why some might see this twist as unfair, I look on it as a new and interesting way of divvying up the tribes, and give kudos to the production team.

Once again, things settled into an equilibrium for several episodes, the only real twists being the former Nakum flipping a vote to eliminate Blake, and Judd flipping sides on the new Nakum to take out Brooke Struck.  There was also a double-elimination with a challenge for individual immunity, but still, pretty standard stuff for “Survivor”  Rafe was allowed to give individual immunity to someone on the other tribe as a result of winning the challenge, but the person he gave it to (Gary) was in no danger, and so nothing really came of that twist.

No, the flurry of twists did not start happening until the merge, beginning with the first immunity challenge, which introduced the “choose between food and competing twist”.  This is probably the one enduring legacy of Guatemala, and I quite like it.  It’s a twist that can upset alliances and reveal the pecking order, as well as just give insight into the contestant’s psychology. In the next episode, it also introduced the hidden immunity idol, another staple of the series these days.  In this case, the idol was not on Exile Island, but out in the jungle just waiting to be found.  While it’s become standard and a bit boring these days, back then it was crazy, and opened up lots of new drama at camp.

Next came the flipping.  Oh dear GOD, the flipping.  First Jamie’s alliance boots him out. then Judd gets booted, then Cindy, then Lydia.  All in all, surprise votes everywhere.  Certainly made the game exciting.  In the middle of it all, we get the introduction of the immunity advantage, adding an exciting NEW layer to the game, just making things all the more intriguing.  Not to mention the possibility for the winner of the car challenge (Cindy Hall) to give up the car so everyone else could have one, which probably cemented her doom, given that she didn’t give it up.

I’ll give this season credit, even up to the final episode it kept the twists coming.  Rafe and Danni, in an earlier episode had allied to the end, and promised to take each other to the finals should the other one win immunity.  However, Stephenie, the third member of the final 3, was so heartbroken that Rafe, having fallen out early, released Danni from her promise unexpectedly.  This cemented Rafe’s place in the public’s heart, as well as his place on the jury, as Danni, for all her sweet southern personality, was hungry for the win, and was going to take the easy victory.

I can’t quite give this season a 10 for twists due to a few dry spots early on, but overall a lot of really good, influential twists that keep one engaged.

Score: 9 out of 10

 

OVERALL

Aesthetically, this season combines the best of “Survivor Africa” and “Survivor Palau”.  A very distinctive theme that hasn’t been repeated since, that can be put on a grand scale.  Since this season was subtitled “The Maya Empire”, it had to be big and epic, and I have to say, the art department really rose to the occasion.

If the aesthetic aspect of the “Overall” section was a strong point, everything coming together is, in my opinion, what did this season in.  While it was fairly twist-heavy, that aspect of the season was received pretty well, save for the “main” twist of the return of Stephenie and Bobby Jon.  I speak particularly of Stephenie, because she is the main criticism I hear about the season.  Stephenie, as I said, played a more cutthroat game this season.  True, she was also more whiny, but she was a lot more aggressive, and we got to see her strategic side, which I enjoyed.  However, the reason the PUBLIC generally liked her was her underdog story on “Survivor Palau”, and how she overcame adversity to win.  When that was taken away, and Stephenie was no longer the poor picked on Ulong Survivor, suddenly she seemed a lot worse.  My thought was “Get over it, these aspects were hinted at on ‘Survivor Palau’.”, but most people disagreed, and were devastated that Stephenie wasn’t what she’d been made out to be.

This speaks, to me, to the main reason Guatemala was poorly received: timing, once again.  While it did some things really well, it was following “Survivor Palau” the series marked by firsts and over the top, memorable characters.  It would be hard for any season to stand up to it, and when a decent number of characters are unpleasant, it just makes the problem worse.  It didn’t help that a lot of the characters, like with “Survivor Africa”, could be seen as rehashes of earlier characters.  I’ve already made the Lydia/Sandra comparison, and Rafe was often seen as a more neutral version of Ian Rosenberger from “Survivor Palau”.  All these combined to make a pretty solid season seem much worse.  Still, looking at it out of context, while it’s not an AMAZING season, I’d say it holds up pretty well.

Score: 31 out of 40.

 

ABSTRACT

Guatemala is not a bad starter season, though I would recommend seeing “Survivor Palau” first.  The characters are not the best the series has ever had, but the challenges and aesthetic are good, the twists are phenomenal, and there’s just a lot to like in this solid season.