“Survivor” What-Ifs?: Samoa

Come on in, guys!  And welcome back to “Survivor What-Ifs”, where we make one little change in a given season of “Survivor”, to see how it impacts the rest of “Survivor” history.  And oh boy, what a season we have to consider today.  “Survivor Samoa” is arguably the most divisive season of the show, largely due to the fact that it could be more aptly titled “The Russell Hantz Show”.  “Survivor” is no stranger to having a “big character” of the season.  One could argue that Rupert took on a similar role for “Survivor Pearl Islands”, or Boston Rob in “Survivor Redemption Island” if we look to the future at this point.  

Samoa is a bit special, though, in that Russell takes up SO much screen time, he effectively pushes out anyone else who might want character bits or a story arc.  To put it in perspective, Russell has somewhere in the ballpark of four times the number of confessionals OF THE WINNER!  Yeah, dude was a bit of a screen hog, or just made into one by the editors.  Hence, the division.  If you, like a lot of the audience then and now, enjoyed Russell’s character on the show, having a season devoted to him was an interesting diversion, making for a distinctive season.  If you, like me, found Russell to be incredibly flawed as a player, and found that his schtick got old after about one episode, this season really has nothing else for you, and was at best a chore to get through.  So, let’s see if we can change that, shall we?  Can we make one little change that can make this season more palatable to everyone, Russell fans and Russell haters alike?  

Before we get into that, though, a couple of bits of business.  First, to give credit where credit is due, this particular idea for a “What-If?” did not come from me.  Instead, the inspiration came from YouTube channel “Once Upon An Island”, which does “Survivor”-related videos.  Recently, they did a history of people who got medically evacuated off the show, and if you remember “Survivor Samoa”, you can already see where this is going.  Still, since I wouldn’t have thought of this were it not for the video, I feel I need to acknowledge it here.  Moreover, though, be aware that this blog will contain SPOILERS, both for this season and future seasons, since we need to be reminded of our baseline before we talk about how a change would work.  Without further ado, though, let us change history.  

THE IMPACT

As you may have guessed from the lead-in, our change today concerns Russell.  No, not Russell Hantz, the OTHER Russell of this season, one Russell Swan.  Arguably the only character to actually get some note on the show other than the eponymous Hantz, Russell Swan was the leader of Galu, though perhaps most famous for his medical evacuation late in the pre-merge.  Possibly the most dramatic in the history of the show, Russell Swan worked himself through the rain to keep the camp orderly, but then just could not handle the challenge in this episode, leading to his scary collapse in the middle of doing a maze.  As a side note, this episode has a vivid personal memory for me.  I was in High School at the time, and well-known as the “Survivor” guy.  A girl in my theatre department had a family that was majorly into “Survivor”, but she herself had never watched it.  She was finally convinced to give it a try… In the episode where Russell Swan nearly dies.  Understandably, she was freaked out, and never watched the show again, for which I cannot blame her.  

Now, I initially would not have thought of a possible change for this scenario.  The only thing I could see being done to avoid it would be for Russell to not work in the rain, a change to his personality so drastic that it would violate my own rules for what makes an acceptable change to talk about.  The video mentioned above, however, reminded me of another, more plausible change.  I did not remember that Galu tried to get Russell to sit out, only for him to say that he was good to go, and they dropped the subject.  This is possibly because I try my hardest to forget that “Survivor Samoa” exists on a regular basis.  

But what if Galu didn’t drop the subject?  What if they insisted that they could tell Russell wasn’t doing well, and insist that he sit out such a low-stakes challenge.  Some may disagree, given his portrayal on “Survivor Philippines”, but I think Russell caves here.  The man could be stubborn, and could have a “my way or the highway” attitude, but he could back down in the face of a majority.  You’ll note that he had gone along with the plan to vote out Yasmin a few episodes before, in spite of the fact that he didn’t agree with the decision.  So the man clearly CAN give in to the will of his tribe.  In this timeline, the will of his tribe is that he sit out, and so he does.  

Going on with how it changes this episode, the winner of this challenge really is a moot point, since it was set to be a double Tribal Council prior to Russell’s collapse.  If you must know, though, I would guess that Foa Foa wins without Russell playing in the challenge.  With the possible exception of Dave Ball, none of the sit-outs would have made much of a difference, and Foa Foa did have a slight lead in the challenge even in our timeline.  With no medical evacuation, the Double Tribal Council takes place as planned.  As in our timeline, Foa Foa votes out Liz Kim, but Galu is a bit trickier, since in our timeline, we don’t get a lot of their internal tribe dynamics, due to only going to Tribal Council once.  That said, I think the best bet is that Shambo gets voted out at this juncture, if Tribal Council goes forward.  The tribe wasn’t overly fond of her already, she had already been to the Foa Foa camp and developed bonds there a couple of times at this point, plus she was the only person not to vote for Yasmin at Galu’s first Tribal Council.  

THE FALLOUT

So what happens now?  In the short term, Russell Swan gets better.  One major factor in his evacuation in our timeline was the fact that there were several straight days of bad weather in a row.  After the episode in our timeline where Russell collapses, the weather improves, thus allowing the rest of Galu to pick up the slack and let Russell get some rest.  So, in this timeline, Mike Borassi is the only medical casualty of “Survivor Samoa”.  Predicting the merge, however, is much tricker, largely due to an internal production decision that, as far as I know, we will never know the truth about.  You see, in our timeline, we had one more immunity challenge pre-merge.  However, it’s not clear if this decision was made due to the medical evacuation canceling the planned Double Tribal Council, or if this was always in the cards, and the merge was planned for the Final 11 instead of the Final 12.  Honestly, either one seems plausible to me, and there’s evidence for both options (the number of days played at this point make it seem like there was always another immunity challenge planned, but the odd number of players and start of the jury at Final 12 indicate a merge in the same episode).  

Ultimately, though, it probably doesn’t matter.  Even in the best-case scenario for Foa Foa, where the merge happens immediately after the Double Tribal Council, they’re still down 8-4.  Similar to out timeline, but now Russell Swan, rather than Shambo, is in the merge.  And that, dear readers, makes all the difference.  

The absence of Shambo, and the presence of Russell Swan, basically kills what little chance Foa Foa has of repeating the comeback they make in our timeline in this timeline.  There’s three major factors that lead to this conclusion.  Firstly, with no Shambo at the merge, there’s also no Shambo to flip to Foa Foa as soon as it hits.  Yes, even with Shamboo’s flip, Foa Foa was still down 7-5, but clever idol plays and a narrower majority put Galu in much more peril than they are in this timeline.  Second, there’s Russell Swan as a uniting factor.  The man has his flaws as a “leader”, there’s no doubt about it, but when it came to bringing the tribe together against a common enemy, the man knew how to do his job.  Look at how they devolved into infighting after his evacuation in our timeline.  A united Galu front, rather than a fractured one as we saw in our timeline, is hard to overcome.  It’s true that hidden immunity idols are a factor here, and for all of Russell Hantz’s many, MANY flaws in his game, the man is good at finding hidden immunity idols, which could give Foa Foa more of an edge.  That said, this feels like the sort of trick that only works once.  Maybe at the merge, Russell out-predicts Galu, and sends one of them home.  Galu doesn’t let that happen again, and pulls the “Edgardo Maneuver” from “Survivor Fiji”, voting for a member of Foa Foa no one expects, and Foa Foa is screwed once again.  

Really, though, the big factor is that this time, the votes are out of their system.  It’s an interesting pattern on “Survivor”, but for whatever reason, tribes that only attend one or fewer Tribal Councils tend to vote for one of their own immediately after the merge.  From Koror on “Survivor Palau” to Bayon on “Survivor Cambodia”, if you largely avoid Tribal Council pre-merge, you’re more than likely going to turn on one of your own come the merge.  Granted, this pattern is more prevalent in seasons with only two tribes, but as “Survivor Samoa” is one such season, the point stands.  Even in our timeline, despite losing two members, Galu only went to one Tribal Council, and they turned on each other at the merge.  The reasons for this pattern are varied, but I hypothesize that people get irritating, and all you think about is voting them off to the point where you jump the gun once you have the opportunity.  Galu going to just ONE MORE Tribal Council helps clear up those internal divisions, and unite the tribe.  From there it’s just a numbers game.  Barring someone from Foa Foa going on an immunity streak a la Brett in our timeline, or them playing their hidden immunity idols PERFECTLY, someone from Galu wins in this timeline.  The factors are too many to say who it would be with any degree of confidence, but that the winner is an original Galu, I can say with confidence.  

THE LEGACY

A Galu victory naturally changes the way the entire season of “Survivor Samoa” is edited.  Don’t misunderstand, Russell Hantz is still a big name, if only for his aptitude and finding hidden immunity idols without clues, before such things were common.  But without leading his tribe back from the brink to victory, Russell isn’t the only game in town.  He has to share screen time with a bunch of the Galus, so they get more character development.  A necessary change, as this season is untimely just a boring Pagonging in this timeline.  

Surprisingly, the season that probably changes the LEAST as a result of this new timeline is “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains”.  Russell Hantz, despite not being as legendary in this timeline, still revolutionized the finding of idols, and had already talked about “Russell Seeds” and sabotaging his tribe before our timeline change.  We in our timeline might be inclined to say they bring back Russell Swan on the Heroes Tribe, since he saved Galu from collapsing.  However, remember that we only know that because of OUR timeline.  In this timeline, the destruction of Foa Foa seems inevitable, and while Russell is well-regarded, particularly in comparison to Mick on Foa Foa, he’s not legendary enough for such a season.  I’m sure he comes back at some point, just probably more in the area of a “Survivor Game Changers” than “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains”.  The only possible change is that Russell Hantz is MAYBE more humble in this timeline with the knowledge that he definitively did NOT win his season, but I doubt it.  With the rivalry between himself and Boston Rob still intact, “Survivor Redemption Island” remains unchanged, along with the “Russell-proofing” of idols, and Russell’s impact on “Survivor” History as a whole.  

The cast makeups of some future seasons are hard to determine without knowing who the winner is, though I’d imagine we get more returnees from Samoa in general due to it no longer just being “The Russell Hantz Show”.  Some characters on Galu, like Erik and Dave, get more screen time, and I could see them or another member of Galu coming back on something like a “Survivor Game Changers”, or even “Survivor Caramoan”.  Monica, however, probably fares worse than she does in our timeline.  Without even the flimsy “She put fear into Russell Hantz” justification that she got in our timeline, I doubt Monica is up for “Survivor Cambodia”, or if she is, she’s not voted in.  Now, you might be inclined to replace her with another young, attractive woman from the show.  Someone like Baylor from “Survivor San Juan del Sur” could take her place.  However, I’ll go out on a limb and say that T-Bird from “Survivor Africa” gets on instead.  Yes, T-Bird is a completely different archetype, and was in the vote in our timeline and still lost, but so help me, I want T-Bird to return, and I’m still salty she didn’t win the vote in our timeline.  Just let me have this, ok?

Of course, no medical evacuation for Russell Swan makes him ineligible to return on “Survivor Philippines”, meaning he’s replaced with their original plan… *shudder* Colton Cumbie of “Survivor One World”.  Yeah, I don’t even have to go into the details of how that would change the season to know it’s a change for the worse.  

“Survivor Winners at War” is really the only other major returnee season to discuss here, and again, without knowing the winner, we can’t really say if they’d be on or not.  If the winner was one of the bigger characters of Samoa, like the aforementioned Dave or Erik, yeah, they probably get on.  If it’s someone less exciting, like John Fincher or Kelly Sharbaugh, perhaps not.  As to whether a John Fincher win prevents him and Parvati Shallow from marrying, there’s just no way  to know.  

So, once again, to the ultimate question: Does this change make the season better?  Ehh… If I’m being objective, it really doesn’t.  Even as someone who loathes “Survivor Samoa”, I have to admit that it’s memorable.  Lopsided in the edit, and centered around an annoying egomaniac whose voice has become like sandpaper in my brain, yes, but memorable.  But as mentioned earlier, without the Foa Foa turnaround, the season is ultimately a predictable Pagonging by the tribe that was obviously going to dominate, with only a few interesting characters to be found.  In the end, I suppose it’s better to be polarizing than to be forgettable, and in that sense, yes, this change is a change for the worse.  Sorry, Russell Swan!  

And that about covers the major changes that result from Russell Swan not being medically evacuated.  Of course, with 20 years of “Survivor” History to go through, there’s a lot more changes to discuss, and I want to hear what you want discussed!  Leave a comment on this blog, or wherever it’s posted, of what timeline changes you’d like to see me discuss next!  To help, the guidelines for what sorts of changes I’m willing to examine are below:  

1. One Change Only: This can’t be a whole bunch of things or multiple things going another way to alter the course of a season.  This must be one singular event that alters the season in some way.  Cascade effects, where one change naturally leads to another, are ok, but they have to be natural and logical.  As an example, Shii-Ann not flipping and Chuay Gahn losing the final 10 immunity challenge on “Survivor Thailand” would definitely change things, but those are two independent changes that need to happen, and therefore not appropriate for this blog.  I should also mention that the change has to be an EVENT, not a play style.  Yes, “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains” probably goes much differently if Russell Hantz (“Survivor Samoa”) isn’t an asshole to everyone, but apart from that never happening, it’s a change in overall play style, not a single moment.  It’s also, as I say, implausible, which leads to my next ground rule…

2. The Change Must Be Realistic: An unlikely change is ok, but it has to be something that COULD have happened, or it’s not worth writing about.  Yes, Fang winning the first immunity challenge on “Survivor Gabon” would drastically change the season.  Would it ever happen?  No.  So there’s no point in writing about it.  

3. The Change Must Have An Impact: By this, I mean the change has to actually alter the season in some significant way.  Simply changing up the boot order is not enough.  Someone new has to win, the perception of the season has to change, or both.  As an example, I originally planned to do a blog on “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains”, with a timeline where Candice didn’t flip at the final 9.  I thought this could lead to a Heroes victory.  Then I remembered that Russell Hantz plays his idol in that same episode, meaning the flip most likely doesn’t matter, and apart from a slight boot order change, the season as a whole remains untouched.  Uninteresting, and therefore not worth talking about.  

In addition to these hard-and-fast guidelines, there are two what I call “Flexible Guidelines”.  As the name would imply, these rules can be bent with a compelling arguments, but they are two things that should be borne in mind when suggesting new situations to examine:

4. US Seasons Only: This is nothing against international seasons of “Survivor”.  From what I’ve heard through the grapevine, they can be quite good.  The trouble is, as a citizen on the US, the US version of “Survivor” is the one I’m most familiar with, know the most about, and have seen the most of.  I haven’t even seen a full international season of “Survivor”, just the occasional clip.  Nothing knocking them, of course.  I just haven’t gotten around to viewing them.  So, while I won’t outright ban the suggesting of changes from non-US seasons of “Survivor”, bear in mind that I’m unlikely to pick them due to a lack of knowledge and lack of time to catch up on the seasons.  

5. I Will Not Do Brandon Flipping At The Africa Final 9: A flip by Brandon Quinton at the Final 9 of “Survivor Africa”, voting out Lex instead of Kelly, would indeed fit all the criteria mentioned above.  I’m refusing this particular scenario, not because it isn’t interesting or worth talking about, but because it was already covered by Mario Lanza in his book “When it Was Worth Playing For”.  He covered it so well and so thoroughly that I don’t think I would have anything to add.  I’m willing to consider this scenario if someone can give me a compelling reason that Mario is wrong, or there’s some aspect he didn’t consider, but until that time, this scenario is out.  Other “Survivor Africa” scenarios are ok, though.

Hope everyone is doing well, and getting vaccinated!

-Matt

Idol Speculation: “Survivor One World” Episode 7: Troyzan, Lord of the Shapes

Apologies for the relative lateness of the blog, a family gathering I rather wanted to partake in prevented me from starting to write immediately after the episode.  For the record, this was begun at 10:04 P.M., when events are still fairly fresh in my mind.

Following off the whirlwind that was the previous tribal council, we find that the castaways are about as confused as we are, and with reactions as varied.  Troyzan gives us the usual “new game” speech where he praises the fact that he’s playing an individual game.  Given that he’s in the majority alliance (currently the new Salani), he’s got reason to feel this way.  Less thrilled is Alicia, who, with no idol and virtually no alliance, sees her only recourse as going back to the women and trying to reinstate girl power around camp.  Given how paranoid you made them about the idol, Alicia, I’d call that a long shot at best.  If they think you have the idol and you don’t produce (a physical impossibility, barring that Alicia makes a fake idol, in which case all they’d have to do is put hers and Kim’s side by side and note the obvious differences to detect a fake) your ass is, as they say, “grass”.

Up next is the thing I’ve been angry about this whole season, so I’m sure you’re ready to hear me address it, so here it is: they finally have a full intro.  I know what you’re thinking.  You think I should be overjoyed, have that statement in all caps with several exclamation points on the end, and I’m not going to lie, I am happy they finally give us a full intro.  However, I have to note that they gave a full intro SEVEN EPISODES IN!  Halfway through the season and we finally get a full intro.  It’s an awful long time to wait, guys, and I think Kourtney, Nina, Matt, Bill, Monica, and Colton would have liked to be in it.  I know they were early boots, but it used to be that one guarantee of the show was that you’d get to see your name in that classic “Survivor” intro.  If I were those 6, I’d feel really disenfranchised.

Now, I can kind of see why they did it.  The way they had the intro edited, you could tell which people had switched tribes, and they didn’t want to spoil that until the merge.  However, I don’t buy this.  These people shoot HUNDREDS of hours of footage per day, and you’re telling me you can’t find about 5 seconds of footage of each person in their original tribe?  I call BS.

Intro rant over.  We get back to camp the next morning to find the all important “naming of the new tribe” ceremony.  As hotly contested as some of these debates has been (recall “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains” where I believe around a half dozen names were proposed and contested, or “Survivor All-Stars” where Alicia Calaway [“Survivor the Australian Outback”] and Amber Brkich [also “Survivor the Australian Outback”] took the time to draw up a chart of possible names) this one is very calm and quick, with Troyzan suggesting the name “Tikiano”, claiming it means “Year of the Gods”, and no one challenging it.  I have to admit, I’m not pleased with this, not because the name is particularly bad, but because it’s not good enough to wildly praise and not bad enough to make fun of.  It’s on the more ridiculous side of things, but it gives me no strong feelings one way or the other.  Given that half the point of this blog is entertainment, this annoys me.

Having settled on a name, tribe alchemist Jonas sets off to turn coconut into potato chips.  He is unsuccessful, but the results are tasty by all accounts.  Not so successful are TarZAN’s attempts at strategy.  Pulling Mike aside, TarZAN (I’m going to be sick of typing his name so often in this particular blog) tries to pull him on board for a “Guy Power” alliance, with Alicia brought on as an honorary male.  It’s alright in theory, but TarZAN doesn’t seem to have noticed that no one, not even most of the guys, much less Alicia, are on board with this.  Mike, for his part, does fake like he’s into the idea, but lets us know in an interview that there’s no way he’s going back with the people who put him on the outside.  Now if only someone taught Matt (“Survivor Redemption Island”) that lesson.

We warp to a challenge, and I’m rather surprised that it’s happening this early, as for the most part, immediately following a merge there’s only an immunity challenge, not a reward.  The usual consensus is that the merge feast is a reward, so no need for a challenge.  The producer’s have seen fit to produce one, and due to my previous disgust at the lack of reward challenges over the past couple seasons, I’m thrilled.

What I’m NOT so thrilled about is the challenge itself.  For one thing, it’s a challenge that divides the individuals into arbitrary teams, which while I don’t dislike happening every once in a while, its become too common lately, and as Troyzan said, it’s an individual game now, but this type of challenge distracts from it.  It does, however, support my theory that the producers moved the merge up after seeing the lopsidedness of the tribes, as this could easily have been a team challenge.  Another thing to dislike is the challenge itself.  My God is it plain.  A boring, unchallenging obstacle course, with a boring, unchallenging puzzle.  I should hate it for this, but who cares, it’s a reward challenge this early!  Probst offers the winning team pizza and beer, and also a mystery note to be read on the reward.

While the challenge itself is not that compelling, it was nice to see the story of the blue team’s struggle.  They initially fell very far behind due to Leif pulling himself the wrong way through a dig fence (the way he went he had no leverage) and also not carving out enough space for his butt.  Thankfully for them, a few stumbles by Sabrina on the same obstacle ties up the tribes.  Unfortunately, TarZAN puts himself on the puzzle, only to be utterly ineffectual, and then constantly deny that he’s been ineffectual.  Don’t worry, my rant on TarZAN is coming, I’m just saving it for later.

As you may have guessed, the orange team pulls out a narrow victory, and goes on reward.  After exclaiming over how good the pizza is, Alicia reads the note, informing the people present that another hidden immunity idol is in play.  I knew the producer’s wouldn’t let Colton keep it!  No, actually, this is an entirely new idol, ripe for the picking.  Of ALL the interesting interviews on this subject we could have received, we get Chelsea droning on about how bad it would be if a Manono got it.  Whether she means Manono as in “Men” or Manono as in “Switched Manono” remains to be seen.

Back at camp, more interesting things are happening, things like Jonas trying to save his own skin.  Unlike the deluded TarZAN, Jonas is fully aware that he’s in the minority alliance, and is desperately trying to pull something together, again using Mike as a potential swing vote.  Mike, whether to cause discord and enmity, or just to try and keep up the illusion that he is with them, tells Jonas what TarZAN told him.  At this, Jonas realizes that maybe forming an alliance with a volatile wild card was not the best idea, and confronts TarZAN in an attempt to corral him.  While this is something he should have done, Jonas admittedly goes about it in a very bad way, being confrontational and talking down to TarZAN.  Not exactly the way to influence people, Jonas.  Actually, we’ll see that a lot this evening: Jonas having the right idea, but not execute it well at all.

To be fair, though, TarZAN was not exactly reasonable either.  He was quick to anger, got defensive easily, and ultimately washed himself of the alliance, a move that only hurts both of them.  To add to the insanity, TarZAN admits that he never liked Jonas, which is funny, because last episode when he told Christine that he liked the entire tribe EXCEPT her, I thought Jonas was included in that.  TarZAN then tells us that when he says things from the heart, he means it, which again, is odd given his statements last episode.  Oh no, this is not my TarZAN rant either, you’ll see it in a bit.

After commercial, we see that Troyzan has gotten up early, not to work but to go idol hunting, on an “early bird” principle.  After a fairly funny scene in which Troyzan, believing to have found an idol, instead gets pinched by a crab, he succeeds, and I give him credit not only for taking the initiative, but also taking the logical step of not telling anyone.  Given that the women seem to be in power at the moment, I’d call this a good move on his part.  Admittedly, this is mired somewhat by Troyzan being Coach-like and kissing his own biceps in celebration of his awesomeness, but at least here he did something to merit it.

Oddly Troyzan, despite all promises in the pre-game interviews, has not been very Coach-like so far.  True, he’s had his moments of insanity and shameless self-promotion, but for the most part, he’s played a under-the-radar, logical, opportunistic game.  It’s not what we promised, but after so much Coach last season, I’ll take it!

Challenge Time!  Today’s challenge is brought to you by “Survivor Redemption Island”, because it truly is a season well-liked by the viewing audience!  No, actually, it’s because it’s a fairly easy challenge to produce for individual competition that is still, admittedly challenging.  It could be argued that this destroys my “Move the Merge” theory, but I would point out that challenges are built well in advance, so they probably had the majority done already, and all they had to do was to build a few extra podiums, disks, and balls, which given a few day’s lead time would be fairly easy.  Overall, it’s a boring challenge, involving balancing 3 balls on a disc for as long as possible.  While it’s boring visually, I can’t deny that it’s challenging, which I suppose makes it an ok challenge.

All bets are off as to who will win, though my money is on Leif, due to his lower center of gravity.  I’d lose, however, as Troyzan pulls out a narrow victory over Kat, who contributes the most she’s ever done to a challenge by simply standing there.  This really is Troyzan’s episode.  He’s getting some good strategy in, he found an immunity idol, and he just won a difficult immunity challenge.  Props to you, man.

Back at the camp, and Troyzan is all hunky-dory, as are the Salani 7.  Deciding who to vote off is fairly simple.  Jay and Chelsea go off to have a “Who can talk more slowly?” contest, and use it to conclude that Jonas, as the ringleader of Manono, must go.  I can’t say this is a bad choice, but for my money, I’d have gone with TarZAN for the vote.  He annoys everyone, so it brings tranquility to the tribe, it keeps around the guys who’s cooking you food, and curry’s some favor with potential jury members, as I’m fairly certain both sides want him gone.  Still, I can’t fault them the decision, as the only real problem is that everyone likes Jonas, and it would be hard to vote him off.  In this game, that doesn’t matter, and Grand High Duchess Kim’s Seal of Approval seems to end Jonas’ game.

Now we get the misdirection that I don’t believe at all.  Troyzan, deciding that playing both sides might be a good idea (in my opinion it could go either way) informs Jonas, who seems incredulous that these people would target the leader of the alliance.  Troyzan offers Jonas his full support, and for my money, I can’t figure out why.  Playing both sides is one thing, but Troyzan, this is overstepping the bounds.  This could easily come back to bite you in final tribal.

Jonas, feeling the need for more allies now the vote approaches, offers to reconcile with TarZAN who instantly agrees.  Hypocritical, yes, but there’s still MORE insanity to be had, just you wait viewing audience.  Together they formulate a strategy to vote for Kat as “they can’t think of anything better.”  This is just lazy and unconvincing.  Furthermore, they could easily come up with a better strategy.  For my money, Jonas had a good idea in targeting Mike, as he was on the outs with the Salani 7, still got rid of a guy, and was a physical threat.  Why he didn’t go to Salani and propose this compromise, I have no idea.

Tribal will have to wait, however, TarZAN has wardrobe issues.  Specifically a brown stain on his underwear making everyone believe he has shit himself, and no one wanting to wash their clothes with his.  Yet, in an effort to conserve water, he slips his undies in with a load of Chelsea’s wash.  She politely requests that he remove it, which he initially does, which could have been the end of it, but no, TarZAN puts it back in, making the (admittedly correct) argument that the hot water will kill any bacteria.

Alright, TarZAN rant time: THE MAN IS INSANE!  We’ve had a lot of insane castaways these days, and this episode cements TarZAN as a member of those ranks.  The man changes his mind for reasons no one can comprehend, goes off all angry at the weirdest things, and insists on forcing issues that are best left alone.  The real kicker for me is that he’s obviously intelligent, based upon his vocabulary and some of his arguments, but he presents himself in such a way that no one can take him seriously.  He’s entertaining, I’ll give him that, but I reiterate, THE MAN IS INSANE!  I certainly wouldn’t trust him to be my doctor.

His argument with Chelsea does get her to try and convince Salani to get him out, but again, I don’t buy this misdirection for a minute.

We come to what I can only describe as one of the most pathetic Tribal Council performances ever.  As a note to future contestants who may read this blog, study this Tribal Council closely, and NEVER repeat any of the things done here.  Do not do what Jonas did, and single out the guy you’re voting for.  Do not do what TarZAN did and go off on your ally for no reason, and declare your vote (again, INSANE).  Do not do what Jonas did AGAIN, and reveal your other target, this time with no argument behind why.  Emulate Kim, in giving acceptable answers that get rid of Probst and don’t technically lie (ok, so there was ONE good part about tribal).  Do not do what Chelsea did and single out the person you dislike, and go into detail as to WHY.  If you follow these easy steps, you too may be a sole Survivor.

Not surprisingly, Jonas goes home, and I have to admit I’m disappointed.  For all that I ragged on him in this blog, he was finally starting to come into his own, and could have been an interesting character.  Again, he lacks in execution of his plans, but he was still learning.

Oh well, no sense in mourning what might have been, instead, let’s mourn what was!  You guessed it, it’s time for another:

TOP 5 and BOTTOM 5!

Today’s category, as my ranting may have indicated, is crazy people.  Given that it’s hard to have a bottom 5 “crazy” category, my bottom 5 is going to be composed of people who played cool, calculating, predictable games.  Let’s waste not more time, and get to the list!

Top 5

5. Greg “Tarzan” Smith (“Survivor One World”): Maybe it’s bad form to put the entry from the current season this early in the list, but that’s honestly where he belongs.  As I’ve mentioned, the man is inconsistent and not good with communication, not to mention having no idea how to influence people.  His performances and denials tonight, in my mind, are enough to merit a spot on this list.  What saves him from being farther up is that fact that he does appear to have a modicum of intelligence (unlike most of the other people in the “Top 5” section), but that still doesn’t excuse the insanity.

4. Shannon “Shambo” Waters (“Survivor Samoa”): Another somewhat underplayed insane “Survivor”, but I think “Shambo” has earned her spot on the list.  Her hairstyle is a factor, being rather insane in this era, but the woman also constantly failed at many things, then questioned why her tribe disliked her.  When she tried to explain things, she often made no sense, and spoke in odd metaphors.  But the big crazy moment for her is a dream in which she believed she killed Dave Ball (“Survivor Samoa”), which she interpreted as a sign.  I’m a Psych major, and even for me, finding such clarity in dreams is insane (not to mention that dream interpretation is an inexact art), and merits a spot on this list.

3. Cao Boi Bui (“Survivor Cook Islands”): Ah, who could forget the famous headache healing Boat person from the racially divided season?  He was rather older than his tribe mates (a common feature amongst most on this list), and also more seeped in old world culture.  At first, this just leaked out in small ways, such as racially insensitive jokes and the ability to heal headaches through massage (on a side note, I always thought his tribe unnecessarily complained about his headache healing.  Given the choice between a splitting headache and a red fleck on my forehead for a few days, I take the latter each time).  But then Cao Boi started to go further from the mainstream, such as doing a strange, leaping fire dance to start a fire (though admittedly, like his headache cure it was effective), carting the Immunity Idol with him everywhere, and, like “Shambo” having a dream about who to vote off, resulting in the ill-fated “Plan Voodoo”.  Anyone who can come up with a name like that and take it seriously has EARNED their spot on this list.

2. Phillip “Special Agent?” Sheppard (“Survivor Redemption Island”): Look me in the eye and tell me that the man who walked around in tight pink briefs with no shame was not at least a little crazy.  But even this just scratches the surface, the man insisted upon using animal metaphors for everything, and even went so far as to tie a feather to his forehead (making him look ridiculous for the rest of the game).  Add his communions with Great-Grandpa Jessum to the mix, and you have one of the craziest Survivors every, but not quite as…

1. Shane Powers (“Survivor Exile Island”): I’ve used the term “crazy” really loosely in this list, but the only one I think was actually insane is Shane Powers.  It’s understandable, the man quite smoking 3 packs a day cold turkey going into the game.  Adjusting to the elements is hard enough, having to detox from cigarettes can only compound the effects.  It was so bad that Shane actually tried to quit, only to turn on a dime and not want to quit, but even THIS erratic behavior is only the tip of the iceberg.  I could write an entire essay on why Shane is the #1 craziest Survivor, so here I will include a brief list of incidents involving Shane’s craziness: threatening to kill fellow castaways, insisting that Cirie, as a nurse, be the one to examine his genitals for a rash, his innumerable sound bytes, “Shane’s Thinking Seat”, and, lest we forget, “Shane’s Blackberry.”  Enjoy your title, man, you earned it.

Honorable Mention: Matthew Von Ertfelda (“Survivor The Amazon”): One that had to be struck from the list due to my definition of “crazy” that I used.  Still, I had to at least give mention to the man voted “Most needs to see a psychologist” by his fellow castaways (including himself).  Matthew is remembered most for an episode in which he could not stop sharpening a machete, and several contestants commented on how he would likely kill them in a fit of rage.  Not crazy like these other people, but, admittedly, crazy in another way that at least deserves mentioning.  As a pathetic side note, Matthew is the closest I have ever come to having the person I rooted for at the beginning of the game win the whole thing.

Bottom 5

5. Parvati Shallow (“Survivor Cook Islands”): I’ve said before that Parvati knows how to do one thing, but she does it exceedingly well.  This is flirt to play people, and it’s earned her the second most consecutive days on the show, no small feat.  However, BECAUSE she does it so well she earns her spot on this list.  Flirting is a risky strategy, and you REALLY need to know how to dispense it properly in order for it to work.  That it has worked so well for Parvati shows how calculating she can be, and why she’s on the list.

4. “Boston Rob” Mariano (“Survivor Marquesas”): How could I not include the man so often compared to the Godfather?  You’ve heard of his virtues on countless fan sites before, so I don’t need to extol them here, particularly given my distaste for Boston Rob. He’s not a bad character, and again, he’s certainly good at knowing how to run an alliance, his performance on “Survivor Redemption Island” shows that.  I simply feel that the hype isn’t deserved for the amount he gets.  And for the record, I would point out that, although he does hold the record for most days on “Survivor”, he is ahead of Parvati by only 3 days, having played a whole entire season more than her.

3. Richard Hatch (“Survivor Borneo”): It was only a matter of time before the infamous Hatch made it on one of my lists.  Arguably the father of the alliance, Richard made his mark by forming an alliance when almost no one else thought to, and then systematically eliminating the other tribe.  Richard is denied the number one spot, only because I question how well his methods would work now, as evidenced by his placement in “Survivor All-Stars”.  Still, most former Survivors owe their ideas to him, originally, and he’s certainly a calculating individual.

2. Yul Kwan (“Survivor Cook Islands”): If Boston Rob acted the part of a mafia boss, Yul lived the part.  Probably one of the most normal, book smart people “Survivor” ever cast (he is remembered for having a complex proof comparing a “Survivor” challenge to an elephant trying to run up a tree), Yul’s voting strategy was described by fellow contestants as “like putting a hit on somebody”.  Yul knew just how long to keep someone around, and when to eliminate them, and how to appease the people on the jury.  He did this so well that he managed to beat Ozzy in a final tribal council.  Admittedly it was a narrow margin, but Ozzy was well liked, and a physical player, and physical players are often favored by the jury, so Yul’s impressive feat earns him the #2 spot.

1. Brian Heidik (“Survivor Thailand”): Admittedly, he’s a lot of the reason “Survivor Thailand” is so hated in “Survivor” history, but you have to give him credit, he was cold and calculating to the point of being emotionless (though he was a used car salesman).  Every move he made was designed to get him the million, and, in that area he succeeded.  In life, not so much, he’s a despicable human being, but certainly the most calculating Survivor.

Honorable Mention: Cirie Fields (“Survivor Exile Island”): To give her her due, Cirie is a good strategist, and certainly knows how to play people just right, but 2 things bar her from this list.  The first is that she never won (something everyone else did) and second that in her early days she was fueled by emotion.  Still, she’s quite intelligent, and that deserves to be acknowledged.

Whew, that was a long list.  Yes, lackluster episode, but next week promises Tribal loyalty dilemmas, which are usually fun to watch, and best of all NO COLTON!  So, hopefully next week will be a good one!

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.