Idol Speculation: “Survivor Winners at War” Episode 13: Slash, Burn, and Salt the Earth

Congratulations to user AubreyDeservedToLoseKaohRong for correctly identifying the last blog’s title quote as coming courtesy of Cirie Fields, circa “Survivor Micronesia”!

As we’ve got a two-hour episode (more or less) to cover, we skip any sort of clever introduction, and start right off with the fallout from the previous Tribal Council. Jeremy laments to the universe that he’s always the target, and wonders why this is. Well, Jeremy, perhaps it’s because you’re a likable challenge threat with a ton of friends on the jury. Shield strategy or not, that fact doesn’t change, and having now one with that strategy only makes it more obvious. I understand a bit of self-pity given the situation, but at least be realistic self-pity.

More pressing is the 50/50 advantage that Jeremy is still holding. Michele asks for it back, and Jeremy unsurprisingly acquiesces. I can definitely see some people calling it a bad move, particularly given how this half of the episode works out, but honestly Jeremy had no choice here. Even if he stubbornly held onto the advantage, he loses his only true ally in doing so, giving him no bargaining power, and at best a SHOT at safety for one Tribal Council. Better to give it back and try and work something else out.

Bamboo shots echo in the morning, and a cut to Ben might have you believe we’re back on “Survivor Heroes vs. Healers vs. Hustlers” and about to have an emotional moment. The emotion will be there, but not from Ben. Instead, Denise has found her moment of zen, talking about wanting tattoos of “Endure” and “Let Go”, one on each hand, to help symbolize her desire to keep going in this game, but her acceptance if it doesn’t work out. She settles for painting it on a board instead, which is probably the longer smart-term decision. Probst is probably cursing right now that he never became a licensed tattoo artist so he could boat out to camp and offer to tattoo Denise on the spot.

In keeping with the theme of humanizing moments, we cut to Jeremy and Tony having an argument about how many days are in a week. Yes, really. This is a point of contention in the world of Tony. He considers the week the work week, while Jeremy counts the weekend. I would point out how stupid this is of Tony, but it’s clear from their demeanor that the two are just having fun, bringing up the traditional cop/firefighter rivalry you sometimes hear about. It’s all in good fun, and like Denise’s moment earlier, really helps humanize the contestants.

Strategy is never far from Tony’s mind, however, and so he and Sarah go off to talk about who should go next. Tony wants to keep Jeremy around as a number, and is worried if he goes that the “hyenas” will come after players like himself. Geez, I thought we’d killed this metaphor! Look, I understand what Tony’s getting at, but I’m tired of the talk of “lions and hyenas”. There’s just only so far you can go with that metaphor, and I want some variety. I like “The Lion King” as much as the next guy, but there are limits, people! The pair eventually settle on Nick, as he doesn’t have them as part of his endgame strategy, and as a consensus boot. The trouble with this is that Ben really wants Jeremy out, and as Sarah puts it, Ben needs to be in the driver’s seat at least some of the time, or he’ll betray them out of sheer frustration. Thus, she talks to Ben, trying to convince him that HE wants to vote out Jeremy. At least, that’s what she TELLS us she does. What we see is her outlining the reasons Nick needs to go, rather than letting Ben come to that conclusion on his own, thinking it was his idea. Still, it seems to work, partly because Ben is not as emotional a player as others make him out to be. Ben is on board, and the plan is set. The only way this could possibly go wrong is if Nick wins immunity.

Shock of all shocks, this challenge plays to Nick’s strengths! Players must toss a ball into a gutter, then race underneath said gutter to catch the ball, with trip bars along the way. They then dig under a post to get to a slide puzzle, which they must solve to win immunity and two fire tokens. This is where Tony’s win streak comes to an end, I fear. Puzzles have always been his Achilles’ heel. Remember that one slide puzzle where he just slid any piece he could with no rhyme or reason? Probst certainly does, and will bring it up over and over like Tony is Will Wahl (“Survivor Millennials vs. Gen-X”), and the puzzle is alcohol. To his credit, Tony has at least improved his puzzle technique, if not his results, working slowly and methodically. Nick still wins, but it’s a further testament to how Tony has changed up his game from the first time out. Kudos for that. We even get in one more humanizing moment, with the whole tribe going in to comfort Michele, the only one who couldn’t get to the puzzle, and breaks down crying because of it. This might seem odd until you remember that a string of immunity wins helped propel Michele to her original victory. It’s one thing she has to be proud of, and having such a big loss as a result can only be devastating.

Also, say what you will about this season, but it has bucked the recent trend of immunity winners being irrelevant. Granted, we now have the equally predictable “The person who needs immunity wins it.” trend, but at least it’s different.

Back at camp, we initially settle on a consensus boot of Denise, thereby assuring us that Denise will survive this Tribal Council. After all, when this season was the first name thrown out the name anyone actually went with? No, the issue here seems to be that, while Ben has a final three deal with Sarah and Tony, he also sees Denise as a number for himself, and doesn’t want her to go. Ok, when did Denise become a number for Ben? Moreover, when did Ben get into a final three deal with Sarah and Tony? I’ll tell you when. Pregame alliances. Word on the street is that Ben in particular is someone everyone wanted to align with coming back, and so he was a part of a number of deals. Denise falls into a similar category. All this is fine, except that it makes these narratives seem to come out of nowhere. Suddenly these people are aligned, and the show acts like they’ve always been aligned, even though it was never shown until now. And I’m not naive; I know that pretty much every returnee season has some form of pregame alliance going in, but at least those seasons made an EFFORT to conceal it. They gave us some reason, however cockamamie, that the alliance came together. That’s far more than what I can say we got here. Yes, folks, even with a two hour episode, we STILL leave out crucial information. Don’t get me wrong: what we got in exchange, particularly the emotional, private moments with the players, is great. But this should not be an either/or situation, particularly with the extra-long episode.

Getting back to the strategizing, the reluctant decision is made to go for Jeremy, splitting the vote (guys for Jeremy, girls for Michele) to ensure that the 50/50 advantage doesn’t screw anything up. But then Ben tries to get cute. He wants to make absolutely sure that Michele does not play her advantage on Jeremy, and so decides to pit them against each other. He tells Jeremy to ask Michele for her advantage, then privately tells Michele that Jeremy is after her and will ask for her advantage to make her vulnerable. On paper, this is actually a fantastic plan. Cover your bases, and make the person you most want to go home go home. Artfully done, it can work wonders. Look how Ken Hoang (“Survivor Gabon”) effectively turned Sugar against Ace with a similar move. The flaw here is that this sort of move requires artistry, and Ben, as we’ve established, is not subtle. Ken Hoang he ain’t. Jeremy and Michele of course compare notes about the obvious ploy, and so set things in motion against Ben. With the way the split vote will work tonight, they just need one guy to turn against the group to gain the upper hand. Nick is their go-to guy, pitching the Ben vote out.

Nick thus finds himself in the swing vote position, and really has no wrong choice. On the surface, Ben would seem the obvious choice to go. Nick wants to be in with Tony, but with the final three deal we talked about earlier, Nick’s only shot at that is to take out Ben. Plus, it takes out an idol with him, making for less confusion, as Nick points out. However, Nick’s not necessarily going to see it that way, and for perfectly legitimate reasons. He presumably doesn’t know about either the final three deal or the idol, and so voting out Ben is merely voting out an annoyance. Meanwhile, you’ve pissed off several people for betraying them, and find yourself in a 3-3 split rather than a solid majority. Granted, Denise probably flips back with you, Michele, and Jeremy in that scenario because she’s not stupid, but still, no need to rock the boat unnecessarily. Again, hindsight is 20/20, and I’m sure many will say that Nick did a dumb tonight, but for my money, both decisions were a good one for him.

Like so many before it, this Tribal Council is a good microcosm for this episode as a whole. What it lacks in excitement it makes up for in heart. We don’t get the theatrics we’ve become accustomed to on this season. Indeed, even Probst comments on how subdued things are. The stand-out moment, then, is Probst talking with everyone about their PTSD, and trouble trusting once they come back from the game. Ben, Jeremy, and Nick all give very moving speeches about how hard it was to trust anyone when they returned from the game. Again, it goes a long way towards humanizing these contestants, and shows us a side of them we don’t normally get to see. I’m all for it. That, plus good mystery as to who goes, gets this Tribal Council a good grade from me. Michele uses her 50/50 advantage on herself, which I applaud her for doing. In these uncertain times, it’s the only smart move, but one that doesn’t ultimately help her much, as we’re about to see.

In the end, Nick decides to go with what the audience knows is the worse move, but the better one from Nick’s perspective. Yes, Jeremy is gone, and while I like the guy, I can’t say I’m too sorry. The trouble was just how much his name kept coming up. If this storyline came up over and over again, we’d eventually become numb to it. Jeremy left at just the right time to keep his boot interesting. He unsurprisingly wills his tokens to Michele, and then heads to the Edge of Extinction.

Koru, following that performance, decides to show us the entire emotional spectrum. On the one hand we have Tony and Jeremy giddily celebrating a successful move pulled off. The fact that they each have an idol is a plus, as now they’ve got even further safety. Contrast with Michele, who decides to give us a crash course in “pissed off”. She literally states that she wondered if Nick would have “The balls” to come and talk to her. Strong language, Michele! Children watch this show! In all seriousness, Michele has some good insight here, pointing out that Nick now effectively has no way to the end. He may not have seen the Ben-Sarah-Tony final three deal, but Michele certainly has, and with no bargaining chip to sway Denise, their options are limited.

Thus, Michele does what I wished the entire tribe of Zapatera would do for the post merge of “Survivor Redemption Island”, and throw caution to the winds. With basically no prospects, she decides to wear her heart on her sleeve, and hope to stir up enough resentment at camp to make something happen. A risky strategy, but with the majority seeming to be this solid, I’m not sure Michele has a better recourse. Sarah becomes Michele’s primary target, mostly because she rises to the bait so easily. The pair get into an argument, and just when I think Michele might be going a bit far, she dials it back and brings up a good point. She notes that Tony is the one seen to be in the driver’s seat, and so will be the one to win in the end. Sarah counters that he’s not the only one, but Michele correctly points out that perception is all that matters (hence Adam’s win on “Survivor Millennials vs. Gen-X” despite very few of his plans actually working), and Tony is the one seen to be calling the shots. An avenue of conversation that might not have opened up had Michele not goaded Sarah into an argument. Sarah takes this information… and runs straight to Tony with it. Ok, I know Tony has been playing well overall this season, but why is everyone around him acting like an idiot! I could understand giving him a pass when he was keeping himself calm, but when he started going back to his usual mode of operation? And now seeming to be playing circles around everyone? Why is Tony only NOW being brought up as a target? It’s not like everyone knows about his idol. There’s no reason NOT to target him when he’s immune.

Sigh. We cut over to the Edge of Extinction, get our moment of zen with Ethan and Yul meditating, before cutting over to our scavenger hunt for the day. The clue indicates that everyone should look for a “Throne of Stone”, which sounds like something out of Authurian Legend. Surprised they didn’t save that one for a season with Coach on it. Wendell gets out into a lead in the race for it, but Natalie uses her superior knowledge of the island to locate the correct rock. I’ve said before, and I will say again: Natalie is KILLING the Edge. She seems to have found her element, and is holding up surprisingly well given her length of time out of the game. Natalie’s advantage is another one to sell to a player. Basically, the player who buys it can hold someone up in the immunity challenge. Who gave the disadvantage will remain anonymous, but this late in the game, such things do not come cheap. The player it is ultimately given to, Nick (there’s a bit of debate, but as those on the Edge see those left as one big glob with no real animosities, it’s simply a matter of “who can give us the most fire tokens”) is charged 8 tokens, outpacing the six he has. Tony’s broke, meaning Nick turns to Michele. Her elation on hearing he has an advantage turns to disappointment when she hears exactly what it is. After all, it can’t exactly make someone immune. However, since there’s not much else to spend them on, Michele coughs up the tokens. Nick says he’d like to use the disadvantage against someone who would take it poorly, and likely cause chaos at camp. I’d personally go for Tony, in that case.

At our challenge, we find out that Ben got the disadvantage. Not a bad call for causing chaos, and given that Nick has taken over Jeremy’s mantle of “Hating Ben”, I can understand the temptation. That said, I think Nick is going to wish he had given it to Jeremy, for reasons that will become clear after the challenge. The challenge itself? The domino chain challenge first seen on “Survivor Gabon”, with this particularly lame iteration coming courtesy of “Survivor Kaoh Rong”. A flat platform, and only leg trip wires for the platform. This challenge was much cooler when it was, you know, challenging.

Case in point, this challenge is so easy that Ben, who had his platform lengthened due to the disadvantage, still managed to come in a close second. And Ben is not exactly known for his dexterity or ease of movement. Who does win? Why Michele of course, continuing once again the trend of the person needing immunity winning it this season. Michele makes a point of noting that no one claps for her win, leading to belated, half-hearted clapping. Good social observation there, Michele. I mean that sincerely.

This is why giving the disadvantage to Ben (who does try and find out who gave it to him, but was rebuffed by Probst) is a problem for Nick. Ben was so close on that challenge, it’s fair to say he would have won but for that disadvantage. If he wins, Michele most likely goes home. However, with Michele winning, Nick is now the primary target. He’s oddly happy about it, since he sees it as something happening in the game. Guess the poor guy really can’t read the room, can he? He certainly can’t see through Denise, who makes a big show about being the obvious target, and just wants a full meal of rice before leaving, offering to spend her remaining tokens on more rice. Can’t fault that, since Probst said today was the last day for them to spend tokens on anything. Denise tells us, though, that she’s running a false flag operation, and the plan is to go for Nick. Fair enough, but I have to say, I think she oversold it. The others seem to buy it, though, so good for her.

With Nick now firmly in the hot seat, what could give us some mystery? Why, Denise ACTUALLY becoming a target, of course. Tony once again returns to his spying roots, and it pays off. Denise, Sarah, and Ben all have a conversation at the water well, where Denise proposes a final three deal between them. She correctly argues that Tony is unbeatable at at the end. We don’t see how they react, because we have to follow Tony. He correctly surmises that this means Denise is a threat, and needs to be taken care of. He and Sarah discuss the possibility of actually going against Denise tonight. Definitely a threat to be aware of, but with someone from Edge of Extinction on the horizon to return, I’d say it’s too risky to pull off tonight. Trustworthy or not, Denise is a loyal number for now, which is more than can be said for Nick. Vote her out, and it’s all too easy for the Edge of Extinction returnee to strike up a final three deal with Nick and Michele. It’s beneficial for all involved. Thus, you must risk a rock draw, and while Tony and Ben have idols, why take a risk you don’t need to? With Denise still in the game, the Edge of Extinction returnee has nowhere to go. Granted, this overheard conversation does mean that for Tony, Denise needs to go sooner rather than later, just perhaps not at the final six. And no, I’m not just talking as a Denise fan here.

Tribal Council is once again subdued, and with good misdirection, but unlike the first, there really is no stand-out moment. We do get a good dissection of Denise’s vernacular in her attitude towards the game at this point, but that’s to be expected. Unexpectedly, Nick goes home, probably the first time this season the obvious boot went home. I’m not sorry to see Nick go. He was never one of my favorite winners, and this episode really drove home how out of his depth he was. The man was just completely unaware.

We cut to the Edge one final time, as Amber gives a fairly touching bittersweet farewell, capped off with everyone cheering “See you never, Edge!”Nick talks about wanting to win his way back in, but that will be an uphill battle. You see, you need fire tokens for advantages in the challenge and Nick, now voted out, has none. A few players, like Boston Rob, Tyson, Yul, and Parvati are able to buy themselves an advantage in the challenge, but they pale in comparison to Natalie’s three, plus an idol, due to her whopping 14 tokens! And that’s not all! Remember those idols she and Rob bought for the previous challenge? Those are still good! So Natalie actually buys an idol FOR TYSON! WHAT?

Ok, this is the one thing this episode that really pisses me off. Why are those idols still good? They were paid for for the initial challenge! After that they should be done! Kaput! Start from scratch. Make like on the Edge, and coming back from it, challenging! You know, CHALLENGE? THAT THING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE EDGE OF EXTINCTION? REMEMBER THAT? Yeah, show, you’re really not selling yourself well that this is anything but an excuse to keep from losing early favorites.

Our last 10 minutes or so are devoted to a recap of the season, and a preview of what’s to come. When I saw this I was initially annoyed, feeling like we were cheated out of other content, but since this is usually done for the finale, I can’t be too mad. I will be if they do it again at the start of the next episode, but if not, I’m ok with losing 10 minutes of this episode to gain 10 minutes of the next one.

Speaking of gained minutes, that’s really the crux of what I have to say about this episode. If there’s one problem plaguing the show since the post-merge, it’s lack of time. Everything feels squished and condensed with so many people left in the game, and storylines and alliances just seem to come out of nowhere. Take Natalie giving Tyson an idol. Why Tyson? When did they specifically bond beyond just being two more people on the Edge of Extinction? We saw more of Natalie and Parvati together than Natalie and Tyson. Why did Natalie not buy an extra idol for Parvati? For that matter, when did Ben, Sarah, and Tony form a final three deal? WHAT IS GOING ON?

Ahem… Anyway, point is that I’m not sure how long an episode needs to be in order for the story to make sense, but two hours clearly isn’t enough. Still, this episode did give us good heartwarming moments, and even bits of levity, which have so far been this season’s biggest strengths. I’ll get into this more next week when I discuss the season as a whole, but this has been a strange season, to say the least.

Normally this is where I’d talk about who is most and least likely to win at this point, but like on “Survivor Edge of Extinction”, I feel like I can’t do that. The returnee from the Edge changes so much, it seems a disservice to do so now. So, why not do what I did for that season, and list my most likely people to come back from the Edge? Simple. There’s not ranking to it. It’s going to be Natalie. Three advantages aside, she’s got the narrative of thriving on the Edge since the beginning, and has shown even in this episode that she’s still challenge dominance material. So no, no one else has a shot. It’s Natalie. Natalie. Natalie. Natalie.

Natalie is not the person who gave us this blog’s title, however, and it’s up to you to find the correct person! In the comments, give me the name of the person who gave us this week’s quote, and what season the quote was said on. The first person to do so gets their username posted at the top of this blog. I will see you in a week to talk about the finale, and the season as a whole.

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

“Survivor” Retrospectives: Redemption Island.

Ok, I know I’ve got a set format for these “Retrospectives” blogs, wherein I first snakily comment upon the public’s opinion of a given season versus my own, and then warn people about spoilers, but I’m breaking it here. There’s literally no way for me to introduce “Survivor Redemption Island” without spoiling the season in a major way. So I’m just going to say right up front that, if you just want to know my general, spoiler-free opinion on the season, scroll down to the bottom of this page. You should find a section labeled “Abstract” that is spoiler-free. If you don’t want spoilers, stop reading this paragraph. Right now. Yes, even you stragglers who can’t stop yourselves from reading something once you’ve started.

All those who want spoilers gone? Good.

Well, now we come to the follow up season to “Survivor Nicaragua”. After coming off of such bad season, you know “Survivor” needed a real home-run idea. Something to knock the fan’s collective socks off. As such we got “Survivor Boston Rob”… I mean “Survivor Redemption Island”. It did not knock the fan’s collective socks off. It sucked. Badly. Let’s read on and find out exactly what went wrong, which, since we start with the “Cast” section, should happen very quickly.

CAST

So, who out of the Redemption Island cast had any discernible impact on the season as a whole? Boston Rob.

Oh, what’s that? Like any good “Survivor” fan, you wanted more than that? It takes more than one person to make up a season? Well, too bad! CBS says you’re getting Boston Rob, and you’re going to like him, dammit!

Ok, ok, so I’m exaggerating, but only fractionally so. But before we get into the VERY few people who weren’t Boston Rob who mattered this season, let’s talk about exactly what Boston Rob brought this season that he did not bring over the last three seasons we had him on. Well, to his credit, Boston Rob learned from his past mistakes. Specifically, his mistakes in not locking down his alliance as solidly as he should have, and taking someone to the end who could easily win against him. He corrected both of these problems posthaste, leading to probably his best strategic game. This was both blessing and curse. We’d never really seen someone dominate an alliance quite so thoroughly and successfully, so, from a strategic perspective, a very enlightening season. Notice that I used the term “enlightening” rather than “interesting” or “entertaining”, since the latter two terms imply some form of positive feeling towards this development. The curse of Boston Rob 4.0, which I’ll be repeating several times throughout this blog, is that when it’s this obvious who the winner will be, THE SHOW GETS BORING! Yes, Boston Rob’s strategic dominance was impressive, but it also killed any sense of drama after about the fourth or fifth episode, which, in a season almost three times that length, is not a good sign. The fan reaction to Boston Rob reflects this. Most people agree he played a really good game, but one that ended up being boring, and except for die-hard Boston Rob fans (i.e. Jeff Probst), nobody really liked seeing the domination of Boston Rob. Add on to that that this was his FOURTH CHANCE at the game, and many people (myself included) felt like this was just CBS trying to give Boston Rob a win since he “deserved it”, and no one much wanted to see that. Personally, I like Boston Rob’s return here even less than the others, since I was never a big fan of his to begin with, and was just sick of him by the time this season rolled around. So yeah, Boston Rob. There you have it. Not much else to say. Even so, I’ll admit that I was more pleased to see Boston Rob than I was to see the person playing opposite him.

Yes, folks, Boston Rob wasn’t quite the ONLY big name of the season. For literally the THIRD SEASON OUT OF THE MOST RECENT 4, Russell Hantz of “Survivor Samoa” was coming back to play. If the audience was SLIGHTLY fatigued of Boston Rob, they were REALLY fatigued with Russell (except, of course, for the die-hard Russell Hantz fans, of which there are fewer and fewer by the day). He came back and, surprise surprise, played EXACTLY the same game as before. He went out and got his “dumbass girl” alliance, this time consisting of Krista Klump and Stephanie Valencia, and tried to dominate the Zapatera tribe. We didn’t really need to see it twice, and we DEFINITELY didn’t need to see the same game played a third time. Yet, strangely, I find this to be the most tolerable Russell Hantz ever was. That is because this is both his shortest and most ironic tenure ever. I’ll go over this more in the “Twist” section, but suffice to say that Russell Hantz’ exit is probably the highlight of the season. Ironically, because he is so hated, and because he left so early, his presence is probably the best thing out of this season. Again, I’ll talk about this more in the “Twist” section, and I really hate to say it, but once Russell left, the season just wasn’t the same.

Ah, but I would be remiss to not mention one of Probst’s favorite characters of all time to come out of Redemption Island. After all, the season wouldn’t be the same without Phillip “Special Agent?” Sheppard. Yes, Phillip, the large, loud, supposed former federal agent insisted upon not being ignored. And how did he do this? By being crazy. And no, since he made this argument, I am not saying he was “crazy” out of any form of racism. I certainly acknowledge that sometimes black people have been labeled “crazy” as a way of dismissing them, and I do not support such behavior in any way. Sometimes, though, crazy just means crazy, and Phillip Sheppard was just regularly crazy. I’m forgoing the fact that he walked around in his pink underwear a lot of the time, since there’s nothing wrong with hot pink underwear, and since it was hot, I’d imagine he’d want to go pants-less sometimes. What I’m NOT going to pass by is his claims of all these classified stories of his being a federal agent, his random yelling at people who supposedly slight Boston Rob, and ESPECIALLY his chats with Great-Grandpa Jessup. Yeah, it’s one thing to reminisce about dearly departed family members, or even “talk” to them, but Phillip took it to a whole new level. Claiming that said dearly-departed great-grandpa sent you a feather pretty well classifies you as nuts. Suffice to say that the audience did not latch on to Phillip Sheppard nearly as well as CBS would have liked. And they brought him back for “Survivor Caramoan” anyway, and there he was, if possible, crazier. I have heard that he has a few supporters; those who claim that Phillip was just playing up the “crazy” aspects of himself to make sure he got to the end. Given how over-the-top some of Phillip’s stunts were, I’d believe it. I would, if it weren’t for the fact that he DIDN’T OWN UP TO THIS STRATEGY AT THE FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL! WHY WOULD YOU GO TO THE TROUBLE OF PLAYING THE CRAZY PERSON TO MAKE IT TO THE END, ONLY THEN TO NOT OWN IT, THEREBY DEFEATING THE PURPOSE OF THE STRATEGY? No, Phillip Sheppard is being 100% himself, and that’s kind of scary. Phillip is not a good addition to the “Survivor” lexicon.

Of course, there are actually two other people from Redemption Island who got invited to play again, and they do deserve at least a bit of consideration. The first is Andrea Boehlke, the little “strategist” with the unpronounceable last name. She’s usually remembered more for her potential on this season than anything else, which I can’t deny. Unlike most of the rest of her tribe, Andrea was NOT fully on the “Boston Rob is ‘Survivor’ Jesus” train. She did have something of a mind of her own, and was smarter than most of her competitors. On the other hand, this is really being damned by faint praise. Sea Slugs are smarter than 95% of this season’s cast. I’ve heard other people say that she’s hot, and she may be, but I personally don’t see it, and in any case, that shouldn’t be a criterion for what makes a good “Survivor” character. Nevertheless, I can say that Andrea didn’t annoy me this season, beyond just not living up to her threats to get Boston Rob. She wasn’t exciting, but at least she didn’t annoy me. The other major player this season, with the incomprehensible first name (according to Phillip) if the first boot, Francesca Hogi. She’s remembered not so much for her gameplay, but for her manner of leaving. She was voted out after a (admittedly hilarious) Tribal Council in which Phillip could not pronounce her name, but also got voted out for little to no reason. True, she did move against Boston Rob on the season where to even THINK of doing so was blasphemous, but she wasn’t the ringleader of that alliance. One Kristina Kell was. However, she had a hidden immunity idol, and so Francesca was targeted through little fault of her own. Not that Francesca was ever going to be a fabulous player, but she might have had potential as a character. I, like most of the audience, pitied her more than liked her, and while she wasn’t a bad character to come out of this season, she wasn’t the strongest.

Now there are those who were popular at the time, but who have (rightly so, in all cases) fallen into the cracks as time goes by. First up is Matt Elrod, the overall nice guy of the group who was an early boot, due to being too “nice” for Boston Rob’s liking. Matt got a lot of love early on, as a likable challenge beast who ruled the first part of Redemption Island (the twist, not the season). Sadly, when he came back at the merge, it became clear that Matt was really just an idiot who kind of deserved what he got, and I was on that bandwagon well before the merge. I will say it hurt a bit so see him go on a personal level, but that’s only because, as someone else named Matt, it’s rather jarring to hear your own name written down at Tribal Council. There was also Ralph Kiser, who at first seemed like he might be another Tom Buchanan (“Survivor Africa”). He had the same sort of drawl, but we quickly realized that, unlike Tom, there was no craftiness or intelligence behind it, just more stupid. Bear in mind that this is the man who once cast a vote for “Fillup”, Ralph’s stupidity these days is just another stain on the “Survivor” legacy, and good riddance to him. Oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention David Murphy, arguably the most missed potential of any contestant ever. David was built up big time pre-season as a major strategist, with the highest IQ of any contestant to date! He was also a smug bastard, with many a fun confessional. This led the audience to believe that he was going to become a major force on the season, and his smugness would be backed up with brilliance. Except it wasn’t. David did nothing smart the entire season. Indeed, he actually screwed up several puzzles (only one on purpose), was generally a moron, and like 95% of this cast, simply kowtowed to Boston Rob in the end. What is he remembered for? Awkwardly proposing to his girlfriend, Carolina Eastwood (“Survivor Tocantins”) live at the reunion show, and uncomfortable affair that I wouldn’t be surprised to learn actually led to the separation of the two. Seriously, watch that reunion show again, and watch the look on Carolina’s face when David proposes. You can tell she want’s to say “No”, but can’t do it on national tv. Seriously, you wanted us to like THIS guy?

And the trouble is, that’s really it. I did have a personal favorite in Ashley Underwood, that was more because a friend of mine knew her than anything. I do think she had more brains than most of the people on that season who weren’t Boston Rob, but again, sea slugs. Also, she had no real personality to back up that brain, so not much to see there. Stephanie did get some play recently when she was nominated for the upcoming “Survivor Cambodia”, but not much. She wasn’t picked, and rightly so in my eyes, since she didn’t DO anything on her season. She’s faded pretty quickly back into obscurity, and that’s where she belongs. Even the stunt casting of former NFL players Steve Wright and Grant Mattos did nothing to improve the cast.

People will often claim that this cast was hand-selected to give Boston Rob a victory. I don’t personally think that was the case (not to say that there weren’t OTHER ways the producers tried to stack things in Boston Rob’s favor, which we’ll go over in the “Twist” section), but I can definitely see why people think that’s the case. This cast is filled with nothing but idiots and aggravating people. You’re hard pressed to find anyone other than Boston Rob with a brain, much less an appealing character. The season gets points for having an amazing domination on Boston Rob’s end, but even that ruined at lot of the season. In the end, one of the worst casts the show has ever had.

SCORE: 3 out of 10

CHALLENGES:

Normally on a season with a bad cast (and, in this case, bad twists as well), one can at least say there were a lot of cool challenges. That is not the case with Redemption Island. Don’t get me wrong, it has it’s fair share of epic challenges (in particular, I like the first immunity challenge a lot), but for every challenge that’s great, it has one that just kind of sucks. You know that lame “Balancing balls on a plate” challenge that the show loves to use now? Yeah, that started here. Not a fun challenge to watch at all. This one also had the puzzle of “Count the numbers 1-100”, which is, in my opinion, the LAMEST puzzle the show has ever done. It does have the standout challenge of the “Ribbing the Fish One-Handed” puzzle (which sounds like a sex position to me), ut it also has the “use Craftsman Tools to get through an obstacle course” challenge. Apart from one or two standouts, the challenges just aren’t that spectacular this season. For the most part, they’re either boring or lame, and that’s really not good for a season with little to go on to begin with.

SCORE: 4 our of 10.

TWISTS

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, pretty much every aspect of Redemption Island sucks. Usually, if the cast is bad, the twists are ok, or vice versa. This is not the case here. The twists of Redemption Island suck hard. And the mere concept of Redemption Island (the twist, not the season) also sucks hard. But I’m getting ahead of myself. This was not the first twist of the season. All the advertising was not for “Redemption Island”. No, it was for the “Rob vs. Russell”, playing off a boast Boston Rob made at the “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains” reunion show. Let me state categorically that this was a TERRIBLE idea for a season. Now, I’ve said before and I’ll say again that returning castaways, in and of themselves, are not bad. But there’s a right and a wrong way to do it. The right way is like in “Survivor Guatemala”, where the players brought back had not been oversaturated in the public consciousness at this point, and both were pretty universally loved, or at least tolerated. With Boston Rob and Russell, this was their fourth and third times playing, respectively, so they felt a lot more tired than Stephenie and Bobby Jon did on “Survivor Guatemala”. On top of that, while Boston Rob had won a lot of respect on “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains”, neither of them was as universally loved as Stephenie was, or even close to what Bobby Jon got. The other aspect that made “Survivor Guatemala” the right way to have returning castaways, and Redemption Island the wrong way to have returning castaways, is based on the strength of the supporting cast. True, Stephenie was still the star of “Survivor Guatemala”, but she wasn’t the only person who had anything going for her. As mentioned before, Boston Rob and Russell were really the only entertainment game in town this season, which is not how the returning castaways should be used. They should add spice to an already good season, not have to carry the entire thing. Ultimately, while I can see why these two were wanted back, it was too soon, and these two were the wrong two to do it with.

Next, we come to the titular Redemption Island. You’re hard-pressed to find anyone today who likes this twist, and I am no exception. I’ll be trashing it a lot, and pointing out it’s shortcomings in a moment. But first I would like to take a moment to give the ONE logical reason I have come up with as to why CBS thought this would be a good idea, since many of the flaws with this twist are obvious to most everybody.

Now, I hate to do this. I hate to have to put the season into a context where it must be compared to the seasons around it. I feel a season should be able to stand on its own, without any influence about what the seasons around it were, since it can unfairly bias people against an ok season when it came after a spectacular season. But in this case, it must be done, since the one justification I can see for the Redemption Island twist is tied directly to “Survivor Nicaragua”. Remember how I said in my last retrospective that what people have the most about “Survivor Nicaragua” is the Na’Onka/Purple Kelly quit? And how it was made worse by the fact that Brenda and Marty, the two most popular strategists of the season had just been voted out? Well, I would say that Redemption Island is a direct response to that problem. Yes, even before the season aired, I think the show realized that two big names from the season going out before two pathetic players was a major problem. The solution, then, was to make sure that, if good players went out, they still had a chance to get back in. This wouldn’t have solved the problems of “Survivor Nicaragua”, mind you, but it would have made them slightly less bad. So there, the one justification for why Redemption Island seemed like a good idea.

Now for the reasons that Redemption Island is obviously a bad idea. First off, as Dalton Ross of “Entertainment Weekly” has pointed out, it effective gets rid of the best moment of the show: the torch snuffing. Talk to any person on the street, even if they’ve barely HEARD of “Survivor”, and they can probably tell you at least a little about the torch snuffing process. It’s the icon of the show, and you’ve gotten rid of it in favor of this lame little duel arena. Shame on you, show. Shame on you. Another major obvious problem of Redemption Island is that it eliminates reward challenges from the mix. True, we get “duels” at Redemption Island instead, but those are never as epic as the confrontations of tribe vs. tribe we all wanted. Plus, this meant that, with one challenge combining reward and immunity throughout the game, it was a case of the rich get richer. After all, fewer team challenges is fewer chances for a tribe to gain back some momentum, all the while it’s easier for the other tribe to keep momentum. Beyond these problems, though, it should have been obvious that Redemption Island is simply unfair. Unlike something like the hidden immunity idol, which theoretically anyone can find, Redemption Island favors those who are good at individual challenges, basically saying that people who are good in this area deserve more of a shot to win, despite this NOT being what the game is about. Part of the appeal of “Survivor” is seeing that the physically strong do not necessarily survive. As an audience, we LIKE seeing the strong be overthrown in an epic blindside. But here? They’re rewarded for not playing the game well. Oh, and do you remember how I said that while I don’t think casting was intentionally done to give Boston Rob the victory, but that the producers did do things to benefit him? Well, Redemption Island is that main thing. As I said, Redemption Island favors people who are good in individual challenges. People like, oh, I don’t know, BOSTON ROB?! Yes, I’m willing to bet the producers were worried that Boston Rob or Russell (or, heaven forbid, both of them) were going to be early boots, since they were too well-known and often disliked, and wanted to be sure they’d stay around a while. So, they stuck in Redemption Island to help ensure that, if the cast didn’t rally around one of the returnees, they could still stick around. Blatant favoritism, truly the mark of a good twist! Please note the sarcasm in that sentence. Redemption Island sucked as a twist, and needs to go die in a fire.

One minor twist is that Boston Rob and Russell were randomly divided to their tribes by picking an envelope with a buff in it. Boston Rob went to Ometepe and Russell to Zapatera. Nothing much else to note there. Not a bad way to divide them up, but kind of boring. Although I will say, I’m surprised Ometepe didn’t see the twist coming, since they had three guys and five girls on their team before Boston Rob showed up. Gender imbalance should have clued them in that something was up.

Now, for all that I bash the twists of this season, the first three episodes were actually pretty good blindsides. First there was the craziness that was the Francesca boot, then there was the Matt Elrod conspiracy due to his being too friendly towards the other tribe, and finally Zapatera throwing the challenge to get rid of Russell (the best episode in the series, mind you).. Three pretty excellent blindsides, and actually a pretty good way to start off the season. Mind you, this is the ONLY good thing about Redemption Island. The chaos was fun, and it was great to see Russell finally be shown for what he really is: a horrible, single-minded player whom nobody likes. His breakdown at the beginning of episode 4 (after losing at Redemption Island) is the highlight of the season. It’s also worth noting that the tribes got to choose each time who went to watch Redemption Island duels. This part was actually kind of cool. It added a new layer to tribal politics, and allowed for the selective dissemination of certain information. Mind you, this does NOT in any way make up for the overall awfulness of Redemption Island, but at least one aspect of it wasn’t HORRIBLE.

Now, many people have said that Russell’s leaving the game was where Redemption Island got bad. I agree with them, but not, like many have said, because Russell would never have given up. His boot was the point where the season became bad because it spelled the end of the Zapateras. Think about it. Part of what was exciting about early Redemption Island was Boston Rob trying once again to lead a band of “buffoons”, but being thwarted by his tribe’s incompetence. Boston Rob is at his best and most likable when he’s playing an underdog trying to come back from the brink. Had the season continued without Zapatera throwing the challenge, but instead continuing to dominate, that’s exactly the position Boston rob would have been in. Instead, as throwing a challenge so often does, the Zapateras found themselves in a downward spiral they couldn’t control. This allowed Boston Rob to dominate the rest of the game, and make it incredibly boring.

Don’t believe me that Boston Rob’s domination was boring? Consider the fact that, after the Russell boot, there were literally NO twists until the merge. And then, do you know what the big twists were? Matt coming back into the game, granting false hope that Boston Rob might be overthrown, only to turn around and be LOYAL to the person who stabbed him in the back, and then be voted out again, and Boston Rob getting the tribe to name themselves after one of Amber Brkich’s (“Survivor The Australian Outback”) teddy bears. Whoopee. They did at least move to a new campsite, rather than go to one of the tribe’s campsites, which is rare to see, but again, not all that exciting.

This is also where Boston Rob’s infamous “Buddy System” comes into play, and it, in my opinion, is what kills the system. Basically, Boston Rob decreed that his alliance must always have at least one other person around them, to dissuade them from talking with the down-in-numbers Zapatera tribe. I’m not going to deny that this was a smart strategy. It effectively neutered any possibility of uprising against Boston Rob (not that such a thing was ever much of a threat with this group), but it also meant that the second half of the game (and even some of the first half) clearly showed that Boston Rob was the winner. there were no other options. We just had to sit there as first all of Zapatera and then the popular members of Boston Rob’s alliance were picked off one by one. Oh, there were a few surprises here and there. There was a surprise immunity challenge at Tribal Council, leading to a double Tribal Council, which mercifully shortened the inevitable Pagonging of Zapatera by one episode, and there was Ashley’s immunity winning streak near the end, forcing Rob to blindside Grant, but none of it mattered. We all knew Boston Rob was going to win the game. Even Andrea winning the final Redemption Island duel, a fairly impressive feat, didn’t matter. She just got voted out next anyway. We all knew that Boston Rob was going to win, why did anything else matter?

There is one aspect of this season, that could be called a “Twist” that I have yet to touch on. It bears mentioning, though, because for me it exemplifies a lot of where Redemption Island went wrong as a season. At the “merge” the two tribes agreed to live together under one name, but stayed two separate tribes. They had different supplies, different fires, even different shelters, with Zapatera’s being noticeably lower than Ometepe’s. This will become important shortly, I assure you. Now, this in and of itself is not too novel. After all, especially in the early days, many of the “merged” tribes were effectively this. However, this was the most blatant we’ve ever seen, and the shelter division exemplifies this. Due to difference in shelter height, Ometepe was quite literally putting Zapatera beneath them. Why is this important, you may ask? Consider the fact that psychologically, for normal human beings, it takes a lot to make us ok with killing. Army training is months long not only because of the physical demands of the job, but also because that time is needed to “train” people to be ok with killing. One of the quick and easy ways to do this is to dehumanize the enemy, to make them seem less than you. One need only look as far as war propaganda cartoons, particularly during WWII, to see this. Why do you think, in American media, the Japanese were depicted either as stooped over, backwards men with buck teeth, or even as demonic figures? It made it easier to hate them, easier to kill them. While it’s probably easier to vote someone out of “Survivor” than to kill someone, there are a lot of similarities. You’re effectively ending their “Survivor” life after all. Wouldn’t it be infinitely easier to vote someone off if you could just dismiss them as being “less”than you? And conversely, wouldn’t it be hard to protest your execution if you were told, day after day, that you were not as good as the others, that you deserve less than they did? That’s exactly what happened on Redemption Island, and nowhere is it evidence more blatantly than with the shelter division. I have said before, and I will say again, one of the smartest things Boston Rob did was to put the other tribe literally beneath his alliance. It helped secure him the game, but it also made the season incredibly boring. No one fought back, so the season was completely predictable.

Also, this is the season that got rid of the “Fallen Comrades” tribute, something I’ve never really gotten over the loss of. I’m glad it wasn’t shown in this case, since a lot of the things said were mean and hateful, but I hate that it became precedent. Yeah, it could get lame at times, since players had to comment on people they didn’t know, but I always looked on it as something not so much for the players, but for the audience to reflect on their 13-episode journey. I wish they’d bring it back.

I can’t say EVERY single twist of Redemption Island was bad. But I can say all the major ones were, and they outweigh the very few good ones by way too much.

SCORE: 2 out of 10

OVERALL

In terms of theme, Redemption Island went for a theme of, well, redemption. It took on the culture of typical Central American ruins, which wasn’t bad, but had been done before, and just didn’t stand out. As to the redemption theme, it’s a bit hard to buy when the only person who seemed to overcome anything was Boston Rob, and as I’ve said before, having one person run the entire season is not fun to watch.

It’s hard sometimes for a season with all good elements to come together. A season with bad elements? Not happening. The cast, challenges, and twists all came together in this case to create a season that was at BEST boring and predictable, and at worst downright unpleasant. Don’t get me wrong, the first few episodes are fairly exciting, but that’s barely a fourth of the season. When three quarters of your season is just utter crap, it’s not a good sign. Overall, the season does not work. Unsurprisingly, a bunch of bad aspects come together to make a bad season.

SCORE: 10 out of 40.

ABSTRACT

Redemption Island is by no means a good season. For someone looking for one season of “Survivor” that is an entertaining watch, I say skip this season and never look back. From a strategic point of view, this season is well-played, but only by one player, and this makes for a boring and predictable watch. That said, this season does sadly have a MAJOR influence on later seasons, so if you’re at all interested in seasons beyond this point, you’re going to have to watch this. Suffer through it once, then never see it again.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor San Juan del Sur” Episode 1: Where Have All The Great Women Gone?

Ah yes, the start of a new season of “Survivor”. The thrill of the adventure, the excitement of the challenges, and the… horrible smell that is the toughness nearly every single woman on this season? Yeah, a pretty good start overall, but I’ve got some major issues with it, particularly compared to most of the previous seasons. Still, perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself.

Welcome, everyone to “Idol Speculation: San Juan del Sur Edition”! The location may have changed, but the goal remains to make this blog my knee-jerk opinion that everyone is entitled to. And you’ll forgive me if I don’t refer to this season as “Survivor: San Juan del Sur: Blood vs. Water”, but it’s far too long a title without the “Blood vs. Water” colon as is, and plus I hate it when a season that blatantly reuses a theme from a previous season needs to state it that blatantly, or even just show it. As a result, this is one of the most poor Probst narrations to ever start a season. CBS must KNOW they have what is so far looking like a pretty piss-poor cast this season, because the first minute is entirely footage from the PREVIOUS “Survivor Blood vs. Water”, and in case we didn’t get the message that the season was awesome, the Probst narration has to PROVE that it’s awesome, thereby engraving the season into our skulls. The trouble is that this doesn’t leave a lot of room for the season itself.

Speaking of which, just to make the parallels to “Survivor Blood vs. Water” incredibly obvious, this season starts off with the “Day 0” twist once again. I’ll grant you, they give it a little more time than on the first “Blood vs. Water”, but in a sense it’s damning by faint praise, since that twist amounted to almost nothing that first time. Both seem to serve the purpose of giving Probst more time for his narration, which he uses to cover the stereotypes of each pair, which I already discussed during the “Cast Assessment” Blog, so I won’t be repeating it here. And at least the first Day 0 gave us plenty of vehicle porn. Here, Probst just sits in a helicopter while everyone in the jungle tries to make fire. Only one vehicle, and it’s an overused one at that. Look, Probst, I get that it was cool to have you dangle outside a helicopter during “Survivor All-Stars”, but it’s gotten really old since then. Find a new mode of transport.

In fairness, though, we do get a FEW important relationship tidbits out of the Day 0 twist this time. Mainly, we reemphasize the fact alluded to earlier, namely that the women this season SUCK! Going through them out of order, we see that nearly everyone has some strike against them. Val seems the best of the bunch, but that’s because we don’t see much of her until the first challenge. Jaclyn comes off pretty well, but even then, she comes off WAY too attached to her boyfriend Jon, and looks for praise from him a bit too much. The supposedly strong “twinnies” (as an aside, I REALLY hate that term. It’s just way too cutsie) begin bitching at each other when they can’t get fire in the first five minutes (I should note that all pairs were given flint and steel at the start), and then beg for help when the Probstcopter flies by. Kelley, rather than being the strong farming type she seemed like she might be, lets her father, Dale, do all the work while she worries about his health. Julie McGee, the girlfriend of former Atlanta Braves Pitcher John Rocker, CLAIMS to be strong, but then frets about the number of crabs at their campsite. And, in what in my mind is the nail in the coffin of most of the women, Missy and Baylor freak, and become completely paranoid over howler monkeys. I can understand being freaked out by the noise the first time (assuming you haven’t seen “Survivor Guatemala”, of course), but they’re CONSTANTLY looking behind themselves. They’re howler monkeys! Even with no knowledge of zoology, you should know they’re relatively harmless. I suppose, in fairness, I’m exaggerating the reactions of the women a bit, except in the case of Missy and Baylor. My problem is that we’ve had SO MANY GOOD WOMEN over the past few seasons, who could survive and strategize with the best of them, that seeing this return to relative wimpiness and weakness in the women, just makes me sick. I keep imagining Kim Spradlin (“Survivor One World”), Tina Wesson (“Survivor The Australian Outback”), Denise Stapely (“Survivor Philippines”), and Kass McQuillen (“Survivor Cagayan”), along with all the other strong women “Survivor” has cast in the past, watching these women with great shame.

Still, perhaps it’s unfair of me to dislike these women by comparison, so let’s talk about the only other things of significance to come out of the Day 0 footage. Probst apparently got his wish of having Neil Patrick Harris on “Survivor”, as he has shown up with what I can only assume is his life partner, some guy named Reed. Now as Neil Patrick Harris is an awesome actor, and I quite loved “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog”, I’m totally pleased with this casting choice. The only thing I can’t figure out is why Reed keeps calling Neil Patrick Harris “Josh”. Perhaps it’s some NPH role I’ve never heard of. John Rocker and his girlfriend serve a twofold purpose: we find out that John is a terrible liar, in that he states that he is not a racist, and no one in the audience believes him, and it gives Probst a chance to make a terrible “pitching” pun. But the big reveal comes in Wes and Keith, who manage to lose the striker for their flint very quickly. How will this come into play? Join me in the next paragraph.

Once everyone is brought it, Probst wastes no time in asking them if they made fire. Most people raise their hand, including Reed and Neil Patrick Harris. For some reason, Probst also insists on calling Neil Patrick Harris “Josh”. Clearly, the man has lost his marbles. One thing I noticed, that I find significant, is that Jeremy and Val, despite the fact that we SAW them with fire, do not raise their hands. This implies to me that the pair discussed how they were going to handle themselves before the start of the game, forward thinking we won’t see from most people this season. It’s a plus in their book, at least. Another pair who don’t raise their hands (though they, at least, are telling the truth) is Wes and Keith, and we get a fairly funny bit from them about it.
Probst then divides the tribes by the very complicated method of “Pick an envelope, and take whichever buff you get”. A nice, random method, but a bit boring. Ok, it’s better than the pretentious paint-filled eggs we’ve been subjected to so often over the past few seasons, but it’s still pretty boring. And actually, I kind of doubt its randomness. You see, CBS ultimately has final say over what people wear going into the game, and it’s become increasingly clear that in recent years, they like people to wear clothes in colors that match their tribe color. Call me a conspiracy nut, but the clothes colors of people match the tribes they ended up on just a little TOO closely. Ok, there are some exceptions. For example, I’d call John Rocker’s clothes closer to blue than orange. Even so, there are some matches that just seem way too improbable. What particularly makes me suspicious is that Baylor’s nails are painted orange. That seems like something CBS would mandate, but would only make sense if Baylor ended up on the Orange tribe. I am suspicious.

Speaking of the tribes, it can now be confirmed that the names of the tribes this time are Coyopa (Orange) and Hunahpu (Blue), the latter of which has to be one of the worst tribe names I’ve ever heard. I mean, Coyopa is generic but ok, but Hunahpu? Word of advice: If your last syllable sounds like a bodily function, there’s something wrong with it.

The tribes thus divided, Probst prophetically asks Jeremy what it’s like to now have to play against his wife. Jeremy states that it’s hard, because he wants to take care of Val, which prompts Val to say that she’s quite capable of taking care of herself. ALLELUIA! One woman who can measure up to the legacy I brought up earlier! I suppose for every annoying twinnie *shudder*, there is an angle named Val. Now, I’m not too proud of what could be perceived as a slightly chauvinistic statement from Jeremy, but going back to what I was saying earlier, I feel like this might have been planned out. In his speech, Jeremy expresses a desire to win and work with his tribe, while also coming off as compassionate. A nice mix of determined and conflicted, the same mix that worked well on the last “Blood vs. Water”. Can’t fault him for going based off of what worked before. This then leads Probst into the first challenge, which will be a one-on-one duel for the reward of flint. Probst has the tribes decide on who picks first by a friendly game of rock-paper-scissors. Come on, Probst, that’s just lame. Surely there’s an ancient Mayan Roulette wheel you could have appropriated for deciding who picks first. Hunahpu, or Hunah Poo-Poo as I will henceforth be calling them, because I’m five years old, wins the right to pick first, and Jeremy demonstrates his commitment to the team by forcefully volunteering himself. Probst then reveals that all reward challenges in the tribal phase will be one-on-one competitions, and that each time, whoever goes up will face their loved one, giving Val a chance to prove herself over her husband. Once again, Jeremy pulls off a good combination of sadness and determinism, the grief piled on still further by a glorious Probst, who tells them that whoever loses will be sent to the now-resurrected Exile Island.

Before I get to the challenge itself, and my thoughts on how Exile Island is being handled this season, let me state that I am NOT happy that all reward challenges are one-on-one in the tribal phase this time. It was one of my problems with any season with the Redemption Island twist, and it’s one of my problems here. Now, I’ve heard that a lot of people don’t mind this, as they consider the challenges the least important aspect of “Survivor” overall. I admit this is true, but I would counter that they’re an important part of the legacy. Hell, one of the reasons I became hooked on “Survivor” was the challenges. Yes, they’re not AS important to the game as strategy, but they’re important to the spectacle. When you scale them down, you lose spectacle. One of the things I’ve realized from doing my off-season “Retrospective” series is that individual challenges often pale in comparison to tribal challenges. This is understandable, as fewer people means challenges generally become less epic in scale, but this means that taking away ANYTHING from the tribal phase challenges is a major loss. Even if most people don’t, I will miss the big reward challenges.

As to the challenge itself, it’s pretty ok. Not a rehash of any one challenge, but a mix of a few, although it does bear a striking resemblance to several challenges from “Survivor Guatemala”. Actually, a LOT of the season bears an aesthetic resemblance to “Survivor Guatemala”. Hey, CBS, try finding a DIFFERENT THEME! Maybe one you haven’t used before!

Gotta focus. Challenge. Challenge. Right. Yes, I actually kind of like this challenge. Val and Jeremy race to untangle a rope that has two rings attached to it. Once each ring is untangled, they will use it like a grappling hook to hook two platforms one at a time. The first person to get the two platforms wins. This is a clever challenge, and changes things up just enough to avoid my wrath. I particularly like using platforms rather than bags like these types of challenges usually do. Do I wish it was epic in scale like tribal reward challenges SHOULD be? Yes, but it’s still not a half-bad challenge. It’s also fairly evenly matched, as it’s not strength-based (not that Val is weak, by any stretch, but Jeremy is BUILT). Still, I give a slight edge to Jeremy, as I feel like fireman’s training might include throwing things like grappling hooks.

Despite an early tight race, Jeremy pulls ahead and ultimately wins. Jeremy once again expresses his mixed emotions over winning, and expresses a desire to “take care” of his wife. Um, Jeremy? We got the message. You can stop being so concerned now. Makes you seem a bit chauvinistic. Probst tells Jeremy that he must now send one person from Hunah Poo-Poo to Exile Island with Val. Jeremy does not hesitate and chooses Keith, on the basis that he can, say it with me now, “take care of his wife”. Probst lampshades how poor of a choice this seems, due to the aforementioned losing of the striker, but I think it shows a bit of a deeper thinking. Perhaps like Sarah Lacina’s “Cop-Dar” on “Survivor Cagayan”, Jeremy has a bit of “Fireman-dar”, as both he and Keith are firemen. On top of this, I suspect that Jeremy correctly surmised that an older man would be more chivalrous, and take things in stride, making Keith a good choice to send. Besides, apparently it was Wes who lost the striker anyway.

WES: HEY!

MATT: Oh, Good God, THIS early in the season? I’m getting sick of this running gag…

WES: Don’t you get smart with me! It was my DAD that lost the striker!

MATT: No, no, get out of my apartment, it is FAR too early in the season to have you people bursting in and criticizing me!

(Slams door in Wes’ face).

Now, as I was saying, Exile Island. I’m not happy with it. I don’t mind the sending of two people, but the winner picking someone from their own tribe to go with the loser also exactly copies “Survivor Micronesia”. And jumping ahead a bit, the method of deciding who gets the hidden immunity idol clue (each person picks an urn; one has a clue and one a blank piece of paper) exactly copies “Survivor Tocantins”. The reason I was excited for Exile Island this season was that I feel it was retired before its time. There were still a lot of potential cool new ways to handle Exile Island, but they’re just resting on their laurels this time (kind of the theme for the season). On top of that, they’re denying us full-on reward challenges this time around for a reused Exile Island. Not cool, CBS. Still, with that said, I actually do like one layer of strategy with Exile Island: how much info you give in your picks. In previous seasons, when two people went, the tribes didn’t know anyone on the other side, so it was hard to pick up alliance patterns. This season, with everyone knowing someone else on the other tribe, people are going to have to think about who they send. You don’t want to send someone opposing you alliance-wise, because your loved one is there, but sending someone you’re close with might cause that alliance to become known. It’s an interesting dilemma, and the one saving grace of Exile Island.

As both tribes leave, we once again get Jeremy talking about how sad he is that he got his wife sent to Exile Island. Look, dude, chivalry is nice, but you’re taking it WAY too far! It’s getting disturbing, and I’m REALLY starting to question your attitudes towards women now.

Matters aren’t helped for me on this score when Hunah Poo-Poo arrives at camp. They seem cordial, but Jeremy is fired up after sending his wife to Exile Island. For some reason, he sees doing well as a bad thing, and believes he needs to make an alliance very quickly. Since he claims to have a natural rapport with women, he starts with Kelley, and works his way through Missy and Natalie. Unfortunately, NONE of them are the least bit put off by his need to take care of his woman, and find it endearing. Natalie even goes so far as to call Jeremy her “male twinnie”. Oh God, BAD IMAGE, BAD IMAGE!

I guess I can see how it would be kind of attractive to have a big strong guy taking care of you, but it just seems like a sign of weakness on the part of these women. Again, I just get the image of strong women from “Survivor’s” past shaking their heads in dismay at this reliance on a man. To be fair, I may be being too hard on Jeremy. All the women say they like him regardless, and he does seem to have charisma, so perhaps the need to take care of his wife is just augmenting his natural charm. So, perhaps I’m jumping the gun a bit in calling Jeremy chauvinistic, but for all he keeps talking about it, I’m beginning to wonder how much of his attitude towards his wife is exaggerated. Seems to me she can take care of herself just fine, dude. Why worry so much? Still, he does seem to respect the women he’s with to some degree. At least he hasn’t named his alliance the “Dumb-Ass Girl” alliance or anything. That would just be awful!

While gender is the order of the day at Hunah Poo-Poo, age is the order of the day at Coyopa. They came out on the younger side of things, a fact that Nadiya is quick to point out, in an incredibly offensive way, basically describing Dale as “ancient” for being in his fifties. Well, we can add “ageist” to the list of WONDERFUL qualities attributable to Natalie and Nadiya. Still, even without offensive remarks make about his age, Dale notices the divide, and sets about proving himself by making fire with his glasses. Baylor chimes in at this point that she didn’t even know this was possible, and that Dale is isolating himself while most everyone else attempts to make fire via the “rubbing sticks” method. Ok, the latter is a good observation, but of the former: Welcome back, Kat Eddorson of “Survivor One World”! You were not missed, but evidently you see fit to come back anyway. Yay.
Dale ends up sacrificing his glasses for the cause, breaking them in half to double the magnification, and eventually gets fire. This earns him a few brownie points, and really makes me like the guy, but he’s still on thin ice. Also, take THAT Baylor! It was totally possible!

Meanwhile, on Exile Island, we get confirmation that Keith is one of those “actually dumb” rednecks, as opposed to the “playing dumb” rednecks most people prefer watching. Despite claiming to be a fan of the show, Dale doesn’t realize that the note Val is reading (she got the correct urn) is probably a clue to the hidden immunity idol. Val tells a lie that it only pertains to her tribe, and she does a good job selling it via acting, but that’s such a vague and weak answer that I’m amazed Keith doesn’t question it. Good for Val on keeping the clue to herself if possible. When it comes to anything with the hidden immunity idol, the fewer people know, the better. Still, Keith doesn’t come away empty-handed. Val reveals that Jeremy is also a fireman, which makes Keith respect him all the more. Man, Jeremy’s charm is so thick, it even transcends geography. And speaking of geography, I kind of like this Exile Island. It stands out for its sparseness. Nearly every other Exile Island had some kind of structure placed on it that dominated the landscape (or at least, augmented the landscape that was already there). This one has a small courtyard where the urns are but that’s it. It’s actually a refreshing change. Not to say that this Exile Island (or, should I say, Exile Peninsula) isn’t distinctive, no, it has a giant rock for that. Seriously, it’s a powerful image, particularly from the many helicopter shots we get of it, and so this is an Exile Island look I can get behind.

When first we return to Hunah Poo-Poo, it seems as though Drew will become suspicious of Jeremy, but it quickly devolves into the much less interesting Drew going on and on about how much of a leader he is in building the shelter. Props to Julie for calling out what is obviously a very stupid move, but it surprises me a little bit. True, Drew never seemed like the brightest bulb on the Hanukah Tree, but I thought he had more sense than this. I think the problem is in the dynamic. While Coyopa is skewed younger, Hunah Poo-Poo is skewed older, meaning Drew is not naturally looked upon as a leader. I get the feeling, however, that Drew is USED to leading, and so, as the youngest of the guys, can only establish his dominance by telling everyone of his dominance. This will, of course, backfire, and I look forward to his eventual ironic elimination.

John Rocker, meanwhile, is feeling the heat at Coyopa. Wes, being something of a baseball fan, thinks he might have figured out John’s true identity, which John had wanted to keep secret. He’s not 100% certain, however, and so quizzes John. Despite Wes appearing to not have a clue, and getting a few details wrong, John comes clean and swears Wes to secrecy, forming an alliance. However, John admits that he’s afraid of Wes, and might need to get rid of him, now that he’s in on the secret. I must disagree with this strategy, however. When you’re in the position of wanting to hide a secret, you want to keep that person as close as possible. In alienating them or voting them out, you give them incentive to tell your secret. Nothing stops someone from blurting out the secret once you’ve betrayed them. If, however, you ally with them, this gives them incentive to keep you around, as your benefits are their benefits, and getting rid of you does no good. Then again, this is John Rocker, so it’s not exactly a brain trust.

Antics, and I use the term loosely, abound at Hunah Poo-Poo, as Jon takes after “Survivor Guatemala” alumnus Cindy Hall, and imitates the call of the howler monkey. This is not funny and serves no strategic purpose. What we get from Coyopa next is slightly funnier, but only just. Neil Patrick Harris complains of a burning sensation in his eye, which Nadiya loudly declares is because they accidentally used toxic leaves in the roof of their shelter. They get rid of them. Nice to see some of the trial and error in survival for once, and the pain of others is always a bit funny. Beyond that, though, it’s pointless.

CHALLENGE TIME! And we get one of the better first immunity challenges in a while. After getting under a zigzagging crawlthrough, the tribes lift up members to untie high up bags. One bag contains a rope, the other two pegs. Using these supplies and each other, the tribes then scale a three-stage wall, where four of them solve a puzzle to win immunity. While not the most original, it does have elements that we haven’t seen for a while that I enjoy (the zigzagging crawlthrough), and we get multiple ways of climbing the wall, as opposed to just one. An original, fairly difficult puzzle makes me like the challenge, but one aspect of the execution makes me love it. I’ve complained over the past few seasons that the tribes are too small or broken up to make for a good first challenge. Here, there’s an emphasis on teamwork, and with few exceptions, the tribe sticks together, making for an awesome first challenge. Maybe that’s the problem: we can only have good challenges if the cast is awful.

I’ll admit, this challenge fooled me. This is a very athletic challenge, and Coyopa overall is more athletic. On top of this, the only strategy we got from Coyopa was John Rocker not liking Wes, while Hunah Poo-Poo seemed to have a “Drew Fails” storyline in the works, particularly due to a close-up of Missy heckling Drew at one point. But Hunah Poo-Poo comes back on the puzzle and wins the whole thing, which I suppose is not too surprising. No one on this season seems to be very puzzle oriented, but Reed seems to come the closest. Since he seems to lead Hunah Poo-Poo in this part, they win. Good for them.

Celebrating their victory, Jeremy catches Keith up on the goings on of Hunah Poo-Poo, and cements him into what I’m now calling “Firemen-R-Us”. Good for Jeremy. He seems very proactive at controlling the tribe, and seems set up to be the power broker for the tribe.

With Tribal Council looming, the Coyopa men get together. They agree that Val deserves a chance, so her name’s off the chopping block. Val, being the only woman who is proactive and not an idiot this season, goes looking for the idol anyway, with no success. In the meantime, the men all agree that Nadiya needs to go, after Drew correctly points out that Nadiya is a known volatile quantity, and the tribe would be better off without her. I can’t fault this thinking, as it’s the move I suggested myself.

Neil Patrick Harris smartly says “Yes” to every deal, but is open when Nadiya approaches him to take out Dale, based on his age. This plan is furthered by Val wanting to form a “girls” alliance, which Nadiya says Neil Patrick Harris will join. He’s somewhat put off, though, because Nadiya refers to him as a girl at one point due to his sexuality. Looks like we can add “stereotype homosexuals” to their growing list of good qualities. Oh hey, it’s Brad Culpepper (“Survivor Blood vs. Water”) reborn! Ok, that’s not fair, Nadiya seems able to do basic math.
With Baylor saying she’ll side with whatever Neil Patrick Harris says, it seems down to him to decide which way the vote will go. From a strategic standpoint, I’d still say get rid of Nadiya. Physically, she’s stronger than Dale, but it’s not as though Dale brings NOTHING to the table, Nadiya is, as stated, a volatile element that does not need to be there, and with Baylor on your side, you can easily flip things to vote off Dale later if need be. We’ll see what he does. I do have to say, though, that I’m glad Neil Patrick Harris is at the center of things. I’m liking him a lot, and again, he seems to be one of the few people with his head on his shoulders.

Tribal Council is average, both in content and in look. I’ll give credit that there aren’t that many stone-based tribal councils, but aside from that, it really doesn’t stand out much. The snuffer is pretty cool, a skull with some sort of turquoise on it, but other than that, nothing. The tribe dynamics are gone over. Dale talks about being the outcast, and Nadiya explains the age gap. She also once again refers to Neil Patrick Harris as a girl, which I’m sure does her no favors. Even so, I still think Dale will go home, just because he’s had more screentime. I’m pleasantly surprised, therefore, that Nadiya gets sent home. I’m not sorry to see her go. It seems like she would only have gotten worse as time went on, and I think it was the smart move overall. Even Val, once again showing shrewdness, changed her vote to Nadiya, which is good in that it avoided a tie and got rid of the right person. What I can’t figure out is why Neil Patrick Harris voted for Baylor. Dude, don’t you WANT to align with her? Voting for her does not help this goal in the slightest.

This is a fairly average start to the season. We get a fair amount of groundwork laid for interesting dynamics in the future, and some nice challenges. Still, there are a lot of problems with this season so far. The women are overall very weak, both physically and mentally. The episode seemed too long for itself. I mean, did we really NEED to see Jon talk to howler monkeys? I think an hour would have been plenty to get across what was needed.

Still, better too much than too little, I suppose. The real problem, however, is how much this season is trying to be “Survivor Blood vs. Water”. One of the things that makes “Survivor” great is how it is so dynamic. It’s amongst the most innovative shows out there, due simply to the fact that it can drastically change season to season. By copying a previous season, you dilute this. Even so, there’s some potential here, and I’m not prepared to write off the season just yet. I am, however, prepared to write another:

TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5!

I had a lot of topic choices for this one, but I’m going with a subject I’ve wanted to do for a while: Tribe names. I’m talking exclusively non-merge based names here, and translations do matter. Other than that, anything goes, so let’s find out what I like with:

TOP 5:

5. Yasur (“Survivor Vanuatu”): Above all else, you want your tribe name to sound badass. And what’s more badass than an active volcano? Apart from this, the name Yasur also stands out for starting with an uncommon letter, making it memorable. Longer tribe names are preferable to me, so Yasur ends up on the bottom of the list, but it’s still pretty awesome.

4. Kalabaw (“Survivor Philippines”): This one’s a bit odd, as I can’t really articulate why I like it. There’s just some sort of a very raw, primal feeling that comes with saying the name. This invokes power, and I feel like this is one of those names that’s fun to scream at the top of your lungs, which is always a good thing to have. Plus, being named after a water buffalo is pretty intimidating. They’re fierce creatures.

3. Jalapao (“Survivor Tocantins”): Like Kalabaw, this is another name that’s just fun to say, and invokes a certain feeling of power. Jalapao gets the higher spot, however, because I can better articulate why it’s better. It has the word “POW” written right into the name. If you don’t get a feeling of power from a sound effect from the old “Batman” show, you’re just not living.

2. Drake (“Survivor Pearl Islands”): Normally, whenever “Survivor” gives a tribe an English name, I hate it. It just seems very un-“Survivor”. The show should celebrate other cultures, not the one of the country it’s based in. Drake, though, is the exception. Unlike a lot of other English Tribe names, this one lends a certain dignity to the tribe, and actually seems somewhat intimidating. And, again, it’s another one that’s fun to yell out loud.

1. Samburu (“Survivor Africa”): This is a name that combines the best of all possible worlds. It celebrates the host culture, it’s fun to say, it’s relevant to the theme of the season, and given how Samburu warriors have been built up in popular media, it just feels so right.

Honorable Mention: Yaxha (“Survivor Guatemala”): This one almost beat out Yasur. It starts with the same letter as Yasur, but also has an “X” in it, which as everyone knows, adds coolness. It’s another fun to say one, but doesn’t make the list partly because while I get a feeling of power from it, I don’t get an image like I do with a lot of the other tribes, and partly because I have a lot of nostalgia for “Survivor Guatemala”, and worry about favoritism.

BOTTOM 5

5. Zapatera (“Survivor Redemption Island”): This one’s a bit of an odd choice for this list, as I actually kind of like the way it sounds. Fun to yell, fairly intimidating, I should like this one. However, from what little Spanish I know, I believe “Zapatera” is derived from the word for “show”, which is not the least bit intimidating. I put this one at the bottom because I’m not 100% certain on my translation, but if I’m right, this is an awful name.

4. Heroes (“Survivor Heroes vs. Villains): Remember how I said I don’t like English Tribe names? Yeah, this is the worst of it. I’ll grant you that it fit the theme of the season, which is why it’s as low on the list as it is, but it seems lame, and doesn’t make sense. There are no objective “Heroes” on “Survivor”. We shouldn’t have a tribe explicitly dedicated to them either.

3. Hunah Poo-Poo (“Survivor San Juan del Sur”): As I said before, any tribe name that resembles a bodily function is not a good idea. But overall, this just fails as a name in general. As far as I know it doesn’t translate into anything, intimidating or otherwise, is tricky to say and spell, and doesn’t seem like it’s fun to yell. Very few positives at all for this one, though at least the translation doesn’t hurt it like it does the entries above it.

2. La Flor (“Survivor Nicaragua”): Flowers do not equal intimidation, particularly when the opposing tribe name translates to “sword”. Need I say more?

1. Chuay Gahn (“Survivor Thailand”): This one fails on multiple levels. I’ll give a few points for using actual Thai words, but could you have come up with ones that better translate? Having your tribe named “To Help One Another” doesn’t exactly strike fear into the opponent’s hearts. ON top of this, even if it is grammatically correct Thai, it still sounds stupid. It sounds like a petulant kid who had his Chewbacca plushie taken away (“Chewey Gone!”). Just a bad idea overall.

Honorable Mention: Luzon (“Survivor Cagayan”): There’s nothing technically wrong with this name, but when the losing tribe of the season has the word “lose” in their name, it needs to be acknowledged as a bad idea.

Well, after an average start to the season, I’m averagely tired. See you next week!
-Matt
Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor Caramoan” Episode 5: Jekyll and Hantz

It’s quite serendipitous that I’m taking “Abnormal Psychology” this semester, as you’d have a hard time finding a better subject for analysis than Brandon.  Is he really insane and unstable, or is he just misunderstood?  Either way, there’s a lot for me to write about, so let’s waste no time.

First, though, we have to make our way through the Swamps of Sadness, I mean the Fans tribe.  However, we seem to have hit a dry spot, the Cay of Contentment.  The tribe seems quite happy and much more confident, now that Laura is gone.  Matt in particular is quite vocal about how much better the tribe as a whole will do.  Actually, I should say that ALMOST everybody is happy about this fact.  Sherri, it seems, is rather regretful of the vote, and just prays that the alliance stays strong, which, based upon Matt and Michael’s private interviews on the matter, seems like a justified hope.  In all fairness, Eddie and Reynold, unlike many jocks before them, do NOT misconstrue the past vote as a new alliance, and realize that they need a new plan, specifically find the idol.  Now, this is a very chancy plan, with lots of potential for failure, but if it succeeds, well, things get very interesting.

Over on the Favorites side of things, we see that there weren’t enough parallels to “Survivor Micronesia”, as Brandon pulls a “Jonny Fairplay” (“Survivor Pearl Islands”), and asks to be voted out, out of devotion to his wife and kids.  For me, this translates out to “Brandon is tired of being on the bottom.”, but whatever, we know it won’t happen.  We haven’t had the promised blow-up yet.  Brandon also commits social suicide by admitting to the rest of the tribe his plan of sabotaging the camp, had he not decided to quit.  Corrine of all people is shocked by this, saying it makes him volatile and the obvious next choice to leave.  What Corinne MEANS is that she wishes she’d thought of it herself on “Survivor Gabon”, when she was down in numbers past the merge.  I know that’s a bit harsh, but to be fair, it seems like the sort of thing Corinne would do.

However, dawn (the time of day, not the person) lets the potion get out of Brandon’s system, and he’s decided that the honorable thing to do is to stay in for his kids.  Gee, like we couldn’t have guessed that from the editing.

And now it’s time for the reward challenge.  If you think the lack of capitals in that sentence meant something, you’re right.  Give yourself a cookie.  It means that, while I’m happy that there’s reward challenges abundant on this season, I’M SICK AND TIRED OF UNORIGINAL CHALLENGES THAT WERE DONE IN THE FIRST “FANS VS. FAVORITES”!  REALLY, KIRHOFFER, YOU CAN’T COME UP WITH ANY NEW CHALLENGES FOR THIS SEASON?  Ok, ok, I know we got an original challenge on the episode I missed, but this is the THIRD challenge in a row that was used in the first “Fans vs. Favorites”.  They need to do something soon.

In fairness, though, if they had to redo a challenge from “Survivor Micronesia”, this was probably a good choice.  While it is a pure strength competition, it’s quite an interesting one to watch.  Two tribe members from each tribe hold up a colored net apiece, while the remaining members of the tribe (sans Erik, Dawn, and Andrea for the Favorites) toss coconuts into said nets, making said nets heavier to get them to drop.  Last tribe with a net still up wins.  This is an interesting looking challenge that can lead to a lot of good commentary, and it is somewhat fun to watch.  I’ll say that I prefer the first iteration over this one, but that has mainly to do with the original having the heckling of Jonathan Penner (“Survivor Cook Islands”).  Also, I should mention that this challenge was also repeated on “Survivor Samoa”, as one of the myriad of Immunity Challenges that Galu won, but frankly, it brought nothing new to the challenge (save the splitting of the nets), and “Survivor Samoa” is one of the few seasons of “Survivor” that I try to forget exists, so I’ll stop talking about it.

Phillip, to his credit (never thought I’d say those words in the same sentence) DOES try to keep up the Penner legacy of heckling the throwers, but fails for two reasons: first, his comments aren’t clever and varied like Penner’s were (mostly just shouting random grunts), and second, people actually LIKED Penner, whereas nobody, as far as I know, likes Phillip, at least from a viewer’s perspective.  We do get a few interesting points, however.  Brandon, of all people, comes up with a clever strategy.  Serving as the Favorites’ other holder (Michael and Matt are the holders for the Fans), whenever he sees a low toss, he jerks the net up to avoid having it dunked.  A bit physically demanding, but a good strategy.  I also enjoyed the editing gaffe of having Probst say “Phillip getting exhausted” while blatantly showing a picture of Michael.  No way I would ever mistake the two.  Michael is some I like and can actually root for.

It doesn’t matter, though, as Phillip wins reward, being the traditional “Survivor” barbeque, for the Favorites, sending the Fans back demoralized.  Even without Laura, their strongest guys are no match for the Favorites’ strongest guys.

Somber music over landscape shots tells us we’re heading over to the Fans’ camp first, where everyone, naturally is a bit down.  It’s not enough to damped idol-finding spirits, though, as it seems like everyone heads off in search of the idol.  All except Eddie.  I saw a shot of everyone searching, except Eddie for some reason.  You’d think, being that he’s still on the bottom of the tribe, that he’d be one of the ones searching the hardest, but nope, puts it all on Reynold.

Should I ever go to Vegas, I’m betting on Reynold every time.  Despite the ENTIRE ALLIANCE searching for him, Reynold still gets to the idol first.  He’s a little excited about it.  He also swears not to tell anybody, save Eddie as the two are partnered up.

Now, some of my more frequent readers would notice that I have a thing against telling people you have the idol, and probably expect me to praise Reynold for this good sense. Well, normally, you’d be right, but the more I thought about it, in this specific situation, telling people might actually be a good thing.  The alliance is probably still a bit tenuous at this point, and the idol could make a good bargaining chip, in my opinion.  Oh well, I hope Reynold comes up with a more useful time to play it this time.

On that subject, since I didn’t address it last time, let me say that, while in retrospect it was bad for Reynold to play the idol, I admit, I thought he was gone, so I’d have done the same thing in his stead.  In any case, he got it back, so no harm done.

There SHOULD be jovial music at the Favorites’ camp, but everything seems downbeat, mostly because Brandon is put out by Phillip.  Now, Phillip is going on about how HE won the challenge (not helped by Probst calling Phillip “the hero of the Favorites”.  Gee Probst, no favoritism there!), and Brandon feels put out because the whole tribe contributed to the challenge.  However, I think Brandon has no leg to stand on here.  While team challenges are very rarely carried by one person (see “Survivor Cook Islands” with Challenge Jesus for examples of challenges that are), it can’t be denied that Phillip really swung the challenge for you guys.  Everyone helped, but Phillip, and it pains me to write this, was really the major contributing factor to the win.  Brandon, of course, doesn’t go off about this, but goes off about something unrelated.  Specifically, Phillip makes a comment to Brenda (or “Serenity” as I have since learned that her nickname is) that he doesn’t want the tarp moved, as he’d rather save his energy for the challenges.  From the way Brenda brought it up, I assume that Phillip was the one who suggested moving the tarp in the first place, which makes him even more of a hypocrite, but Brandon goes off because it sounds to him like Phillip is giving an order, which is not the sense I got.  Then again, I don’t have to LIVE with Phillip.  Thank God, I don’t have to live with Phillip.

You’d think we’d continue the drama, but nope, over to the Fans’ camp, where everyone is a sack of sad, as they say.  Even Matt can’t stand to do work anymore, leaving everything to Michael, Reynold, and Eddie.  Instead, Matt just complains about his sore feet (though to be fair, they look pretty bad), and wishes for a gift.

I don’t know if you’d every qualify a Hantz as a gift, but the actions of one certainly are, in this case.

I also have to give the editing team credit, they’re finally learning NOT to spoil the “Next Time On…” clips in the first 10 minutes of the episode.  Over halfway through, and we still haven’t gotten the promised breakdown.

It’s about to come, though, as Brandon starts out starting the fire, and complaining that he wants to go out on his terms.  “He feeds himself!”, as he repeatedly tells us.  Brandon, I hate to break it to you, but no, no you’re not.  In this game, the ability to determine your own fate is based on your social prowess, and your being in a majority alliance, neither of which you have.  While I may like Brandon better than Russell (“Survivor Samoa”) I have to say, both are equally socially maladapted.

Brandon tries to apologize to Phillip, and Phillip pretends to apologize back, but even with the combined stupidity, both correctly read between the lines that neither is telling the truth.  Things get worse when tree mail comes, and Phillip, the man who gave the Zapatera tribe (“Survivor Redemption Island”) such HELL for throwing a challenge, is now himself considering throwing a challenge.  I mean, the Zapaterans had more of a reason to throw their challenge, at least their Hantz was outright evil!  This one’s just a little unwell.

Andrea is not fully on board with this plan, and so is very bad at lying to Brandon when he asks if that’s what was being considered.  Brandon then goes to confront Phillip, who really makes no pretense about the fact that the tribe is indeed planning on throwing the challenge.  Brandon complains that there’s no reason to vote him out, and while I certainly don’t think his behavior has QUITE reached the liability point (but it will, in just a second), I have to side with Phillip again.  Sorry Brandon, it isn’t fair, but in this game, being outside the alliance is a good-enough reason to eliminate you.

Of course, Brandon being Brandon, things can’t just stand here, and so Brandon decides to “give everyone a reason to vote him out”, and it’s time.  As promised, Brandon throws out the rice, throws out the beans, and tries to break a chair, all while yelling obscenities at Phillip (as a side note, the son of the dorm caretaker lives around here, and wanders around the dorm at will.  He watched a part of the episode, but I was glad he was gone for this).  I should really be appalled: this is the antithesis of good gameplay, and it leaves Brandon with absolutely ZERO argument as to why he should stay, but it’s just so mesmerizing, I can’t help but enjoy it.

Another good thing Brandon does (more words I never thought would be in a sentence together) is get us out of today’s immunity challenge, which was yet ANOTHER repeat, though at least this one hails from “Survivor Tocantins”.  It’s the classic “Roll the Boxes down a field, and use them to form a puzzle staircase” challenge, which while enjoyable, has become overdone of late. Thankfully, Probst decides to use THIS challenge to psychoanalyze the tribes, and Brandon, once again, spills the beans, though figuratively this time.  He tells the Fans how they’re underdogs, and he’s one them a favor by dumping the Favorites’ food supplies.  At this point, Probst wisely calls Brandon over to his side, which I think is a good decision, as I don’t doubt that Brandon would have punched somebody, probably Phillip, and even I wouldn’t wish that on Phillip.

Brandon, once again, goes on his tirade against Phillip, but this time it makes a little more sense.  While Brandon is still delusional in some respects, working in his “I Feed Me!” shtick, he does at least make a few good points that I and several “Survivor” Fans have been waiting to hear: Phillip is egotistical, delusional, hypocritical, and talks about himself far too much.  All valid points, not that they’ll help Brandon stay in.  Brandon also gets in the jab about Boston Rob (“Survivor Marquesas”) carrying Phillip to end, which is stating the obvious, but is good to hear anyway.

Phillip tries to remain calm, but still can’t resist yelling at Brandon about betraying the alliance by voting for Andrea, which, Phillip, is perfectly within his rights to do.  You’ve lied to Brandon, don’t get all high and mighty because Brandon lied to you as well.

Surprisingly, the most emotional seems to be Andrea, who claims she’s bonded with Brandon over the past 13 days.  All I can say is “When?”  We never had any scenes of them bonding, get a grip, Andrea.  They brought you back because you were supposed to be better strategically than we saw, start proving it!

Giving Brandon a back massage (given how much Probst loves the Hantz family on the show, I’m a bit surprised it didn’t come with a “happy ending”), Probst decides to hold Tribal Council then and there, with the Fans taking immunity (incidentally, I did enjoy Reynold asking for the victory hand-raise anyway, and was very annoyed that Probst did not follow up on the request), and the Favorites verbally voting somebody out, only the second time this has happened (the first being the final episode of “Survivor Palau”).  Not surprisingly, Brandon goes home, and while he did annoy me, I will say that he brought good (if painful) drama to the show, and went out probably the best way you can when there’s literally nothing you can do to save yourself: take every else down with you.  After that incident with the food, I don’t think there’s a better way for Brandon to go out, other than cause as much chaos as possible.

Now then, for the big question: based on my years as a Psychology major, is Brandon actually abnormal.  Well, I’m only an amateur still, and haven’t had long, in-depth talks with Brandon, but from what I can see, no, no he isn’t.

Hear me out on this: Brandon does have issues.  He seems emotionally very unstable, and being out on the island only exacerbates this.  But that’s just it, he’s out on the island.  The situation, in my opinion, is a lot of what’s causing this behavior.  Granted, Brandon probably should seek therapy, as he has emotional issues, and given the effect of the environment probably shouldn’t have been asked back, but does he have an actual disorder?  I think not.

But we can’t leave it there, it’s time for another

TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5!

I don’t see how this can be about anything but “Survivor” tantrums.  Given the environment of the game, they’re fairly commonplace, so it was inevitable that I talk about them at some point.  The only bit of housekeeping for this is that the Top 5 will be tantrums that are fascinating to watch, and the Bottom 5 tantrums that are painful to watch.

TOP 5:

5. Randy Bailey’s Cookies (“Survivor Gabon”): Some might argue that Randy’s hissy fit over the distribution of the cookies he got at the Reward auction of his first season was more painful (hell, some would argue that watching anything to do with Randy is painful), and because of this, I put it low on the list when, let’s be fair, it was fairly interesting.  What I like is trying to figure out where exactly all the cookies went.  The fact that I wasn’t the biggest fan of Sugar also made this a fun one for me.

4. Alicia Calaway’s Fucking Chickens (“Survivor The Australian Outback”): Ah yes, the original “Survivor” tantrum (you could argue that Sue Hawk’s “Rats and Snakes” speech was the first, but to my mind, that wasn’t really a “tantrum”.  Plus, Sue will be on this list later anyway.).  This one gave us a lot: the finger wave, the inconsistent logic, it was just a lot of fun.  It helps that Kimmi and Alicia don’t hold a grudge against each other anymore, so now we can say it was just a fairly funny argument.

3. Rupert Boneham’s Vote (“Survivor Pearl Islands”): While it is fair to say that someone voting against you is no reason to threaten them, as I’ve said emotions are high out on the island, and people who wear their emotions on their sleeves have a harder time.  Case in point, Rupert got exceedingly angry at Jonny Fairplay in episode 7, yelling at him, swearing at him, even almost chocking him at a few points.  Now, there’ll be a lot of situations on the “Bottom 5” list where this sort of thing happens, what makes this one different?  The answer is simple: I don’t like Jonny Fairplay, and seeing him yelled at is fine by me.  He’s similar to Phillip in that way.

2. Jane Bright’s Fire (“Survivor Nicaragua”): Sort of similar to Brandon’s tantrum this episode, but with less serious repercussions.  Another one annoyed about votes cast against them (or in this case votes GOING to be cast against them), Jane decided to go out with a band, saying that as she started the fire, she would finish it.  Like Brandon’s breakdown, it’s fun to watch people who know they’re going decide to go all kamikaze on the tribe, and for all that Jane takes a lot of flak as a player, this, for me, was one enjoyable moment, as well as one of the reasons “Survivor Nicaragua” is NOT the worst season of all time, despite what the fan community seems to think.

1. Brandon Hantz’s Feeding of Himself (“Survivor Caramoan”): Brandon is the only one to ever go so far as to completely cripple his tribe. Putting out the fire is one thing; it can be rekindled, and Jane’s incident was late in the game.  Brandon’s actions put his tribe at a severe disadvantage, and his motivations are fascinating.  The best I can say is that it’s like a car wreck, you can’t look away.

Honorable Mention: Rory Freeman’s “Slash, Burn, and Salt the Earth Policy” (“Survivor Vanuatu”): Think Brandon with more social grace.  Rory was totally planning to do what Brandon did, and was stopped only by a lucky reward challenge.  I can’t put it on the list proper because it never actually happened, but if Brandon is any indicator, the results would have been fascination.  Also, Rory deserves mention as being both one of the most and one of the least socially aware castaways ever.  The man was mean to his tribe, belittling, condescending, he yelled at them, and yet he outlasted more socially aware castmates!  The man had to be doing SOMETHING right.

 

BOTTOM 5:

5. Robb Zbacnik’s “Backwards Hick” Rant (“Survivor Thailand”): Given after losing a reward challenge, this one ends up on the bottom 5 only because it seemed kind of mean spirited of Robb, indicative of his youth and wildness.  To be fair though, it came off of a fairly enjoyable challenge, and it was Clay he was yelling at, so it was kind of an acceptable target.  Still, mean spirited, bottom 5.

4. Jim Rice’s New Opinion of Cochran (“Survivor South Pacific”): I accept that Jim may have been justified in his feeling, and this is one of the most personal calls I’ve made on this list, but I still think Jim was particularly harsh to Cochran, given how the tribe had treated Cochran previously.  I’ve ranted on this subject enough, so I’ll say no more here.

3. Colton Cumbie’s Existance (“Survivor One World”): A bit of a blanket statement, but apt in my opinion.  Colton’s whining about not being accepted into the tribe got old fast, especially considering it seemed like he made no effort to improve his situation.  Even when, by a large spate of luck, Colton made it on top, he STILL didn’t stop complaining. This is a major contributor as to why few fans like Colton, and why he’s on the list.

2. Abi-Maria Gomes’ Need to be Popular (“Survivor Philippines”): While Colton’s complaints of being disliked  were painful, I at least give him credit that he had SOME basis for it initially.  Abi-Maria’s paranoia, on the other hand, was just plain paranoia, unjustified and unpleasant.

1. Sue Hawk’s Hatch Issues (“Survivor All-Stars”): I’m not touching this one.  This was just too sensitive of a subject to be entertaining and it’s still one of the hardest parts of “Survivor All-Stars” for me.

Honorable Mention: Terry Deitz’s Torch Etiquette (“Survivor Exile Island”): While he’s mainly remembered as a Challenge Dominator, social ostracism took its toll on Terry, culminating at him getting angry at Cirie for dropping his torch right in front of him, when she forgot he was there.  Really, this was a projection of Terry’s frustration at not being able to break the Casaya alliance, and since I rooted for Terry, I found it an unpleasant tarnish on an otherwise good character. It gets honorable mention only because it didn’t make that big of an impact on the game, and resolved itself fairly quickly.

Next week should be a tribe swap.  About time, the Fans need it bad!  I suppose this means I have to learn the actual tribe names now, though…

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor Caramoan” Episode 1: Precedential Debates

Greetings and salutations, my ever-growing band of loyal readers, or should I say “idols”?  It is time, once again, for the resurrection of “Idol Speculation”, my knee-jerk opinion that EVERYONE is entitled to!  Yes, we get something new this season, with more than just a FEW returning castaways for me to get annoyed at.  Well, I’ve been saving up my ire for the past few weeks, no time to unleash it like the present.

According to the Probst narration, we’ve surely got Fans!  Right here in Caramoan!  With a capital “C” and that rhymes with “P” and that stands for precedents!  If the title of this blog does not tip you off, we’re going to be talking a LOT about how the past seasons have done similar twists this time around.  We’ll mainly focus on “Survivor Micronesia”, as the “Fans vs. Favorites” twist comes from that season, but we’ll also touch on precedents from previous seasons that the “Favorites” tribe (ok, technically their name’s “Bikal”, but let’s face it, until the tribe swap, you’re only going to call them the “Favorites”, and Gota will only be called the “Fans”).  Now, a lot of people have been complaining about “Survivor” blatantly reusing the “Fans vs. Favorites” twist, saying that it shows unoriginality and that the “Survivor” crew members are running out of ideas.  While I would point out that copying twists does have a precedent (note particularly the reuse of the “divide tribes by gender” twist), I will admit that it seems a bit foolhardy to copy a twist from one of the most well-beloved seasons of “Survivor” canon.  I do give more in depth thoughts at the end of my cast assessment for this season (as well as my last blog of “Survivor Philippines”), but I will say this: I have no quarrel with reusing the twist, IF they change up how everything turns out, and avoid using the same twists and techniques that they used in “Survivor Micronesia”.

“Now why”, you may ask, “take such a long time with explaining this, when you already went over it in past blogs, and could be explained in a few sentences regardless?”.  Well, partly it was to slip in that completely unsubtle “Music Man” reference, but partly it was buildup to show how much they UTTERLY FAIL AT THIS IN THE FIRST 30 SECONDS!  And what do I mean by utterly fail?  I mean AN EXACT WORD-FOR-WORD COPY OF THE INTRO OF THE “FANS” SIDE (sans rain).  I mean seriously, bring them in on a boat rowed by natives, repeat the Probst narration word-for-word, and have the fans size each other up, as well as talk about how much they love the show.  We also get to see who the producers want us to follow on the “Fans” side of things, based upon who gets an interview.  It seems Matt (not me, unfortunately), Shamar, and Laura are our big winners this season.  Now, Matt and Shamar I would have predicted, but Laura, really?  She’d better demonstrate some real strategic chops fast before I consider her a worthy character.

Having had that little interlude, we move to the “Favorites”, who, because the producers think they’re awesome, come in by helicopter.  Probst gives each of their names, along with a brief description of how they play the game.  I’ll admit that Probst transitions between the returnees very well, segueing off of one to the other very naturally for a time.  He gets a bit tripped up around Andrea, but overall very good.

It’s here that we get our first departure from precedent, not just for “Survivor Micronesia”, but for all recent seasons with returnees: No obnoxious interviews with the returnees talking about how awesome they are!  I’m serious, they’ve been a staple since “Survivor Micronesia”, and they annoy me to no end, mostly because they draw the focus off of the new people!  Ironically enough, this is one of the few seasons where I’d live with those annoying interviews, as since the returnees make up half of the cast, and so it’d be understandable to emphasize them this time.  But they didn’t, and I think that’s a very good thing overall.  Keep that trend up, guys.

Another thing that sets this intro apart?  NO PROBST!  Oh, his narration is there, there’s no getting rid of it, but our first shot isn’t of him or his vehicle of choice, no, it’s shots of the Philippines, and of the castaways.  I like that a LOT!  It makes the intro stand out, and puts the focus on the cast, rather than Probst, which is where it should be.

We actually get a theme song again this season, and while it’s not the most unique one, I do like how it incorporates a few elements from previous seasons.  I definitely heard some didgeridoo and Marquesian chanting in there.  For my money that’s the way it should be.  The shots of the castaways are a little generic for my taste, but it’s a good intro overall.  I know I should talk more about it, particularly after its reintroduction gave me a GINORMOUS FANGASM last season, but given all the awesome things that happened this episode, it really kind of fell by the wayside for me.

With no commercial break, we see Probst come down from his mountain (the one bit of him we did see in our introductory narration, complete with helicopters flying by, that’s pretty new and cool) to banter with the Fans tribe.  By “banter” of course I mean saying “hello”, and then going straight to the people he wants to talk about, the Favorites tribe.  I would criticize the Fans for not looking at their buffs and seeing that the season was subtitled “Fans vs. Favorites”, but as they didn’t get their buffs until later, I really can’t blame them.  Probst calls out name and season for every Favorite, and they are suitably “oohed” and “ahhed”.  Personally, I preferred the banter of the “Survivor Micronesia” Fans tribe, but that’s just me.

No point is sizing each other up, because it’s CHALLENGE TIME!  Yes, today’s challenge is nothing short of a brawl.  The tribes send one man and one woman at a time into a ring to race for a flotation device, which they must then race back to their tribe flag.  The first person to have one hand on the flag, and another on the flotation device win a point for their tribe, the first tribe to four points wins the reward of flint, as well as a jar of beans.  Now, this is hardly an original challenge, combining elements from several different challenges (notably, challenges from “Survivor Palau” and “Survivor Exile Island” are present), but I still like it ok.  It’s a simple challenge, but knock-down, drag-out brawls are always a little bit of fun to watch.

So, in our first match up, the one that will set the tone for the season, we get Erik and Dawn of the Favorites, against the Fans’ lineup of Shamar and… Julia…

Ok, I know I’ve blogged for about two pages on the first 10 minutes of the show, but there is something that needs to be addressed her.  You see, while this is very much a strategy blog, it is still opinion based, and I’m afraid that this season, my opinion will be VERY skewed.  While I am, by and large, of sound strategic mind, I have fallen prey to my baser instincts.  Yes, my friends, though it is rare, I find myself attracted to a contestant, specifically one of the Fans put up in the first round, and I’ll tell you right now that it isn’t Shamar.  Seriously, I’m head over heels, in my mind she’s the greatest thing to happen to mankind since the invention of potato chips!  So please, understand that if I get very defensive about her, understand that I’m thinking with my crotch.

Much to my delight, Julia (and Shamar, I suppose), put up an impressive first showing, scoring a point for the fans.  It doesn’t last, though, with the Favorites scoring the next four points in a row and winning the reward.  Heck, COCHRAN of all people proves to be an asset in the challenge, something even he admits is unlikely.  He does get in some nice banter with Allie, though.  There’s also a lot of banter from the sidelines, with Shamar encouraging his teammates to break the Favorites’ wrists (which earns him a reproachful look from Probst), and, in the final round, Erik encouraging Malcolm to put it all on the line and get naked for a point.  In fact, Erik seems way too enthusiastic about Malcolm getting naked… Is there something you’re not telling us Erik?

That joke was offensive and beneath the standards of this blog.  I fervently apologize.

Bad jokes aside, the Favorites win, and both tribes are rowed to their separate camps by the natives.  Geez, “Survivor”, you’re getting lazy.  Next thing, you’ll convert a limousine into a submarine, and give the castaways a lift from Los Angeles to their camps.  Let them row, it’s good for them!

Well, I guess even CBS doesn’t think much of this seasons Favorites, as we’re treated first to the Fans’ arrival at camp.  Things seem copasetic at first, with everybody hugging and back-slapping, all those bromance things you see on tween comedies.  However, Shamar loudly proclaims that the tribe should not “waste their energy” on building a shelter before they have fire.  The seeds of discord are sewn, however, as Matt believes that shelter is also a priority, and begins working on it with the rest of the tribe, saying that if Shamar wants to have fire so bad, he can work on it, but not everybody needs to be doing the same thing.  Shamar responds by complaining and refusing to do any work on the shelter.  What’s fascinating about this is that they’re both in the right.  Shamar raises a good point, it’ll be easier to make shelter with more hydration, but Matt’s argument that the tribe can multitask is valid as well.  Ultimately, though, Shamar takes all the flak, getting seen as bossy and lazy very quickly.  Really, Shamar?  You’re playing differently from the usual Marine, which is a nice change, but this is not smart.  I picked you to win, I expect better.

25 minutes in we FINALLY get out first interview with the Favorites tribe, which also seems to be very happy-go-lucky, all bonding together to make a shelter.  Behind the scenes, though, things are heating up, with Andrea, Francesca, and Dawn forming a core alliance of three, and agreeing to bring in Phillip, Brandon, and Cochran to make a solid six.  Gee, the people from the same season bonding together in a voting bloc?  NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE!  Still, it is an interesting looking into voting strategy, particularly Francesca’s whom me follow.  We see her commentate on how Phillip is crazy and she doesn’t like him.  This woman speaks the truth.  I like her.  However, as she and Phillip are on the same tribe, she makes an effort to get along with Phillip.  Phillip responds with stony silence.  Yes truly, Phillip is the bigger man in this scenario.  I didn’t think my opinion of him could sink any lower, but evidently I was wrong.  This all caps off with Francesca swearing that she won’t be voted off first again, and if she is, she’ll eat a random rock lying on the ground.

Now, I’m sure that this is just a throw-away, filler interview, which will in no way impact the vote this evening.  Seriously, CBS, I think that was a bit too subtle.  Why not insert a few cancan dancers into the background, complete with a light show, chorus of trumpets, and a deep, booming “FORESHADOWING!”

Back with the Fans, it seems Shamar’s voice is now being heard, as the Fans’ Tribe sets out to make fire. However, Shamar is still not helping, noting that they’re using the wrong type of wood.  Rather than just sit back and watch the tribe fail, however, Shamar does the sensible thing, steps in, and shows them how it’s done, becoming only the second tribe in the history of “Survivor” to start fire using two sticks, the first being the titular “Villains” of “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains”.  This success seems to recover his earlier social blunders, as even Matt admits that Shamar deserves a second chance.  So good, Shamar is socially adept enough to get himself out of a mess he got himself into.  It’d be better if he’d never gotten in the mess in the first place, but at least he’s not a complete incompetent when it comes to strategy.

If you had any doubts that Phillip “Special Agent?” Sheppard had changed from his “Survivor Redemption Island”, look no further than this next segment, when he names the people in his alliance things like “The Dominatrix”.  Aside from general hatred, I’ve heard people say two things about Phillip: “He’s funny” and “He was putting on an act in ‘Redemption Island’”.  I am here to shatter your sorry little realities, and tell you that neither of these things is true.  The only two things funny about Phillip were the “Special Agent?” occupation listing and his inability to say the name “Francesca” properly, both of which are not present in this season.  As to those who say he was putting on an act, I would believe you IF he had thrown it off at the Final Tribal Council on “Survivor Redemption Island”, and come out swinging with a whole new Phillip.  Otherwise, what was the point in doing it.  No, Phillip is crazy, and not in the racist way.  I will give him a tiny bit of credit for at least learning a bit from Boston Rob in how to make an alliance, and that he is more proactive this time, but these do not change the fact that he’s insane, and in my mind an unstable alliance mate.  Still, others seem to disagree, as he pulls in Corinne (the aforementioned “Dominatrix”) and Andrea as his core alliance, with Malcolm, Dawn, and Cochran on as secondaries.

Word of advice, Phillip: If you want me to take you seriously, you can start by NOT GIVING EVERYBODY STUPID NICKNAMES!  Seriously, it serves no purpose!

The area where Phillip fails, however, is in intimidation, as while Erik is not technically part of the alliance, Phillip wants him around, and so gives a “You’re with me, or you’re against me and out” speech, which Erik pretends to buy, but confesses to the producers that Phillip is an unstable alliance mate, and that he won’t be intimidated into an unadvantageous position, thus making him an improvement over the entirety of the Zapatera tribe, and when ERIK of all people is an improvement, you know you’re pretty pathetic.

Please, take me over to the Fans.  Here we see that geeks like me need company as alpha males Reynold and Eddie form a twosome, with each pulling in another (Eddie grabs Hope, and Reynold grabs Allie) to make the “Cool Kids Table” as Eddie calls it.  Eddie also mentions that he doubts anyone else would be let into the “Cool Kids Table”, as the foursome are too tight.  While a tight alliance is always a good thing, the foursome are making the crucial “Matt Quinlan” (“Survivor One World”) error, namely that 4 is not greater than 6.  Things get worse when Reynold and Allie snuggle a little too closely at night, causing Laura to take notice.  Thus, the next morning, while the “Cool Kids Table” is having a pool party, Laura rallies the others around her to form a counter-alliance, consisting of herself, Sherri, Michael, and the every-beautiful, flawless Julia.  Presumably, they mean to pull in Shamar and Matt as well.  Michael, however, likes to keep his options open, strengthening his bond with Matt as the two talk strategy, agreeing to vote together down the road with whichever side seems best.  I have to admit, both Michael and Matt are more strategic than I gave them credit for.  Hats off to them, they’ve come up with a good strategy, and got themselves in a good place.

We haven’t heard from Cochran in a while, I wonder what he’s up to?  Getting sunburned apparently, as he quirkily jokes about it to Francesca, Corrine, and Brenda.  He did this sort of thing on “Survivor South Pacific” as well, the difference this time being that he’s confident enough that it comes across as self-deprecating and funny, and not just as wimpy and awkward.  Clearly, Cochran has learned something from “Survivor South Pacific”, as his strategy is working very well this time around.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE TIME!  Following the trend of “Survivor Philippines” we get a very weak first challenge.  Two at a time, tribe members race up a series of ladders to drop 3 boxes (12 in all) into a pit, then race back down again.  The remaining two tribe members then collect the balls that burst from the boxes, with one of those two tossing the balls at a series of 6 targets, the first tribe to hit all 6 targets raising a flag and winning immunity.  Once again, this challenge draws from several different seasons (taking some elements from “Survivor Palau” and “Survivor Redemption Island”), and would be an ok challenge IF IT WASN’T THE FIRST IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!  Seriously, what is it with the producers splitting the tribe up for the first challenge?  It just doesn’t feel right.  That, plus the lack of fire really drags this one down.  And yet, somehow, it doesn’t merit its own spot on a “Bottom 5” list.  Even I’m at a bit of a loss to say why.  The best I can say is that there are 3 factors: it’s not the very FIRST challenge this time, the box smashing is pretty cool-looking, and we do at least get 8 tribe members together cheering for the runners, as opposed to the 4 of Philippines.  I know, it’s not fair to “Survivor Philippines”, as it couldn’t help the number of people on each tribe, but whoever said “Survivor” was a fair game?

I’ll also say here that while it isn’t my favorite, nor does it stand out, I do kind of like this season’s immunity idol.  I do, however, have to ask what it up with the die strapped to its neck?  Is this another “Coke-Bottle-Is-A-God” scenario?

Well, following in the footsteps of “Survivor Micronesia”, the underdog Fans beat the Favorites, though to be fair, not in exactly the same way.  “Survivor Micronesia” had the Favorites behind the entire time, whereas this time, there was a lot of back and forth, ultimately leading to a come from behind victory for the Fans thanks to Reynold and his heretofore untapped ball-tossing skills.  Personally, I found this way of winning a lot more interesting than the one in “Survivor Micronesia”, so there’s at least one upward comparison.

Back at camp, I brace myself for the obvious misdirection, and it comes from the most likely source.  Francesca wants Phillip gone, there’s a shock, and the feeling is mutual on Phillip’s side, once Andrea informs him of the plot.  Gee, old enemies wanting each other out first?  I never would have guessed!  Still, Francesca and Erik bond together, pulling Brandon and Brenda into the fold to become the moral guardians of the Favorites (never thought I’d see the day Brenda was cast as a “moral guardian”, but there you go), trying to prevent Phillip from doing anything.  Thanks to a bond with Cochran, Francesca and company believe they’re in tip top shape.  Of course, they also think they’ve got Andrea on their side, which is what is leading to their plans being relayed to Phillip, so that’s not so good.

Even more trouble brews as both Cochran and Dawn talk, swearing to bond together through this game, and discussing whether to go with the more solid Phillip alliance, or the more moral Francesca alliance.  Cochran admits that he’s knowingly playing both sides of the fence, trying to get a good read on people while being liked, and ingratiating himself with everybody, even Dawn (who seems to have forgiven him for the whole “ruined her game” thing), and while I should be disappointed that it looks like the pair are leaning toward the Phillip alliance, all I’m thinking is “YES!  YES!  THIS is the Cochran I wanted to see!  A smart, strategic player who weasels his way in with everybody!”  Go Cochran!  I am so proud of you this episode!  Dawn too, to be fair, she’s playing much more strategically this time around.

Situations worsen when paranoia sets in on Francesca’s alliance, and they consider splitting the vote, as Phillip might have the idol.  Then Brandon decides to weigh in on the conversation, God help me.  Old habits die hard, as Brandon once again targets the most attractive female as being too strategic, that woman being Andrea.  However, despite my protests, I actually agree with him, for the simple reason that he’s not complaining about her feminine wiles, but that’s she’s playing a quiet, strategic game (which is true), and so yes, he’s right, she WOULD be a good person to get off.  Still, the alliance is in chaos at this point, making it very unlikely that anyone but Francesca will go.

We head off to tribal, and while it is blatantly ripping off the tribal council air of “Survivor Micronesia” and “Survivor Heroes vs. Villains”, it stills looks awesome.  What isn’t awesome is the banter at Tribal Council, which is unmemorable, mostly due to the fact that it’s blatantly obvious that Francesca is going.  We don’t even have Phillip mispronouncing her name as “Fransusquehannah” or something similar to tide us over, nor will we ever, as Francesca goes home.  I am sorry for her, but not in the way I usually am.  I don’t mind her going from a strategic standpoint, I mind that by her going Phillip did NOT go.  To be fair, I can see why Cochran and Dawn sided with her, it was because Phillip’s alliance was more solid, and I can understand that the upside to Phillip is that he’s easy to beat at Final Tribal.  The DOWNSIDE to Phillip is that he’s somewhat erratic, and you have to PUT UP with him for the next 36 days.  A Herculean feat in and of itself.

Still, I’m even more mad at CBS for even putting Francesca on this season.  I just think she was outclassed.  She tried, she really tried, she was playing multiple sides of the fence, but everyone else was just more versed in the game than she was, so she never really had much of a chance. That, and Phillip’s grudge against her for no reason sealed her doom.  Some might argue that his grudge was because she wanted HIM off, but I’d point out that he didn’t like her before that, so no, I still don’t see the reason.

Francesca, for all that you’re not that good of a character, I’m sorry you’re gone first again, and I applaud you for weathering it so well.  If it’s any consolation, you will go down in “Survivor” History books, girl.

So, where does this season stand so far? Well, while it does follow some precedents from previous seasons (both “Survivor Micronesia” and those of the returnees, particularly when it comes to who is booted first), it still breaks it in other ways, and does it enough that I can like it separate from “Survivor Micronesia”.  One interesting break from tradition here is that with “Survivor Micronesia”, during the first episode I was much more interested in the Favorites’ dilemmas, and couldn’t care less about the Fans’.  This time, I found the Fans’ alliance making fascinating, particularly that bond between Michael and Matt, and I look forward to seeing where there strategy goes.  I was MUCH less interested in the Favorites this time, mostly because it was pretty obvious where the vote was going.  Since it’s a predictable outcome, I should hate it, right?  Well, maybe, but I don’t.  While the outcome was predictable, it was so entrancing (particularly the prospect of having a two-time first boot) that I found myself really enjoying the journey of how the outcome was reached regardless of predictability.  So yeah, good episode, and looking forward to the next one.

But don’t go yet!  As is first episode tradition, it’s time for my:

TOP 5 AND BOTTOM 5!

While it seems like no one aspect of the episode really aroused my ire or my enjoyment this week, I do want to talk more about my crush on the gorgeous Julia, so this will be my list of CRUSHES.

I admit, this was a list I never thought I’d do.  Besides not considering the attractiveness of the cast an important element to “Survivor”, and that this blog is mainly concerned with strategy.  I was really too young to find women sexually attractive when “Survivor” began, and even when I could, they were often too dirty after a few days/way out of my age range.  Still, I should be able to cobble together 6 crushes, as well as a photo of each.  Also, since while I trash strategy on this blog to no end, but will not insult someone about their looks (there are plenty of other blogs that do that anyway, and as a not stereotypically attractive male myself, I find it to be a below-the-belt form of blogging), my bottom 5 will be the crushes of general “Survivor” fans that I personally don’t agree with.  So, on to…

Top 5

5. Sydney Wheeler (“Survivor Tocantins”): One of the rare times that I find myself in agreement with fan consensus, but I cannot deny, I find Sydney attractive, and it’s not just because I’m heading to Australia in a few weeks.  I think the hair is what gets me, she has great hair.  She’s only this low on the list because I don’t remember her too well, and as I recall, she wasn’t the best strategically (though by no means a moron).

4. Colleen Haskell (“Survivor Borneo”): Now here’s an oldie but a goodie!  A rare crush from the early series.  Besides being a native of my home state of Maryland, Colleen also sports really fun hair, and an awesome personality.  You just can’t help but like her.  You want to take her home and make her comfortable.  Also, while it didn’t come across on the show (mostly because Colleen was morally opposed to playing too strategically, though she did start toward the end), she seemed able to hold a good, intelligent conversation to me.  She was so well liked for a reason, let’s put it that way.  Given the age difference, even if she was still single, I doubt I’d have a shot, but a boy can dream…

 

3. Kim Powers (“Survivor Africa”): Between “Lil’ Kim” as she was known on the show, and Colleen, I must have a thing for women of smaller stature.  Seriously, though, Kim was beautiful.  She wasn’t worked on, it seemed to, and always seemed to have a smile on her face.  She’d play strategically when she needed to, but wasn’t overly malicious.  Just, all around, a great gal!  From what I’ve researched, it seems she’s married to Alex Bell (“Survivor The Amazon”), and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t envy the man.  Still, it would have been hard to work around the age difference anyway, so good for him.

2. Natalie Tenerelli (“Survivor Redemption Island”): Ah, now HERE’S someone who might have realistically been able to be with!  A cute smile and a charming voice first attracted me to Natalie, not to mention that she’s well-endowed, if I do say so myself.  Frankly, I’d probably still have this crush if it weren’t for the fact that she did NOTHING on her season.  And I’m not saying I need my crushes to all be strategic geniuses, but Natalie really did not demonstrate ANY intelligence to me this season, and I like my crushes to be on an intellectual level with me, hence why Natalie is only the #2 spot.

1. Julia Landauer (“Survivor Caramoan”): Maybe it’s the hormones, but I really just think Julia is gorgeous.  She’s pretty, but not in an overt kind of way.  Again, I like her smile, and just think she has a quiet beauty.  On top of that, she calls herself a “geek”, and attends STANFORD, which generally speaking implies that you’re intelligent.  We’ll see if this season throws that idea out the window, but hopefully it won’t.  I don’t know what her relationship status is, and I don’t really care.  I know that she’s unmarried.  If she’s seeing someone, good for her, I hope it’s a really great guy, if she isn’t, SHAME ON YOU MEN FOR NOT ASKING THIS WOMAN OUT!  I know, if I met her, I’d ask her out in a heartbeat!

 

Honorable Mention: Katie Hanson (“Survivor Philippines”): Maybe it’s just me trying to cover my own gaffe of saying she’d do well last season, but I want to chalk it up to thinking with my crotch.  The two reasons she’s not on the list proper are that she’s a pageant girl (which, for some reason, annoys me), and that I think the only really attractive part about her is her eyes, which, while gorgeous, do not make up for an otherwise average body.  Also, to repeat, she wasn’t the brainiest of the bunch.

 

 

BOTTOM 5

 

5. Amber Brkich (“Survivor The Australian Outback): Yes, where better to start than with the woman voted “Hottest ‘Survivor’ Woman” on “America’s Tribal Council”.  While certainly not unattractive, Amber is hardly what I would consider “hot”.  Boston Rob (“Survivor Marquesas”) likes her, and good for him, she’s just a little plain for me.  Also, the repeated saying of “Oh my God!” in exactly the same intonation would drive me up the wall!

 

4. Amanda Kimmel (“Survivor China”): While Amanda is TECHNICALLY another pageant girl, that doesn’t bother me so much.  I really hate to be so petty, but this sort of list forces me to be.  I don’t know, something about her eyes throws me off.  They’re a bit squinty and far apart, and it just doesn’t work for me.  She does have a nice personality, and is pretty well-endowed, but just not my cup of tea.

 

3. Eliza Orlins (“Survivor Vanuatu”): One complaint I’ve heard about “Survivor Vanuatu” is that there were very few young, attractive people to root for.  While I don’t believe that attractive people should make or break a season of “Survivor”, I have heard people say in recent years that Eliza gets a bad rap because of this.  While I admit that Eliza is highly intelligent (and given that she was a target early on in BOTH her seasons, yet still made the merge on both, she’s got to be good), she just doesn’t do it for me.  Again, I think it’s the eyes.  They just seem like they’re staring right through me, and it gives me the creeps.  Also, maybe it was the island diet, but she was just way too skinny for me!

2. Kat Edorsson (“Survivor One World”): Kat is cute.  I will give her that, she is somewhat cute.  However, amongst my many trends in what I like in women, I enjoy a certain amount of intelligence, and frankly, if by age 21 you don’t know what an appendix is, you’re probably not what I’m looking for.

 

1. Sarah Jones (“Survivor Marquesas”): “Boston Rob” Mariano may have been glad Sarah brought her boobs, but I certainly wasn’t.  Apart from having eyes that seem to me too wide set to be allowed, she obviously had been worked on a lot, and had such a shallow vapid personality, that when I heard that a lot of guys founder attractive, I began to feel pity for my fellow men.

Honorable Mention: Elisabeth Hassellbeck (“Survivor The Australian Outback”): I put Elisabeth as an honorable mention because I do genuinely find her attractive.  She’s cute, with a very likeable personality, and I can understand why others would want to be with her (married or no).  But, ooh, the conservatism!  As an avowed socialist, I really just can’t see us working out, thus leading to a lack of a crush.

 

Well that’s it.  Sorry if any of you found my commentary on people’s looks offensive.  I assure you it was not my intent.  To my new readers, please understand that my blog is not normally this vain (or this long), and I’ll be back to hopefully more strategic content next week!

 

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor Philippines” Episode 11: Decidophobia

For those who don’t know, can’t figure it out just by splitting the word, or are too lazy to use the Google, Decidophobia is a fear of making decisions.  It’s undone many a castaway, the great and the pathetic alike.  However, if there was one guy I thought would never succumb to this syndrome, it would be Jonathan Penner.  As we’ve seen this season, though, I can be very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very…  (8 hours later) very, very, VERY wrong.  Probably a short blog tonight, as I wasted my typing hand with all of those “verys”, but I’ll still try and find out why.

First, though, we have to discuss the “Previously On” segment.  Sure, it seemed harmless enough, but let’s look at the first draft:

PROBST: Previously on… “Survivor”!  Dozens of interesting plotlines emerged, leading to what will surely be the climax of the episode.  Intrigue and suspense are the order of the day!  But enough about that, lets lay into Abi-Maria some more!  She’s so pathetic, everyone hates her, I don’t know how she’s managed to live ANYWHERE, let alone on the island… (Probst rants and raves for another 8 hours, further tiring my typing hand).

It seems our castaways get this script, though, as they continue to bash Abi-Maria.  In fact, it goes on for so long that they skip over the night altogether and head into the next day, still going at it.  Now, to be fair, I don’t like Abi-Maria much (whatever my cast assessment might have said), but even I think they’re going a bit far.  In her own, pompous, arrogant way, I think Abi-Maria really was trying to make amends after her beating at Tribal Council (which, while deserved, even I’ll admit was probably hard to hear), and Denise was being a bit cynical about her attitude, complaining to Penner about her.  Still, she can’t like Penner too much, as she mentions that, should Abi-Maria win immunity, Penner will more than likely be the next to go.  But of course, that’s just silly!  There’s no way Abi-Maria could win immunity, right guys?  Right?

Well, it seems my prayers to the “Survivor” gods worked, as we are given a full intro this time, albeit with only those who made the merge left.  They’re working it the same as “Survivor China”, and while I admit that I prefer having a full intro all the way through, this is a fair compromise.

We head off to the interesting stuff (I mean reward challenge) after a commercial break, where we see that Penner is not the only one who can play women’s emotions like a harpsichord.  Malcolm decides to put himself in the fray, by attempting to bed Abi-Maria.

EMOTIONALLY, you perverts!  Put your flagpoles down!

In all seriousness, it’s not a bad idea.  It’s good to make friends, either as potential allies or jury members, and Abi-Maria’s emotional state right now makes her an easy target, and Malcolm admits as much.  He tries to comfort her by showering her with vast amounts of money from the tree-mail (who would have thought that such a bad pun would endure the test of time?), because it’s time for the “Survivor” Reward auction.  For those who believe that this satisfies my need for individual reward challenges, it does not.  While it does get the “individual” and “reward” parts down pat, it lacks in the “challenge” department.  Not to say that the reward auction is uninteresting by any means, it does involve a lot of strategizing and hilarity, but it’s not exactly exciting the way challenges are, and has none of the drama of “who do you take with you” that I so enjoy.  It doesn’t help when an auction imposes restrictions such as “no sharing of money or food”, given that those are part of what made auctions interesting in the first place.  In and of itself, this auction is not exactly exciting, but neither is it bad in any way.  The most distinctive thing about this auction is the sheer number of morons who shell out $500 for food items.  First Denise goes for pancakes and bacon (though admittedly her justification of their nutritive value is a good counterargument) and then Skupin drops out for a small cheese assortment and wine, which he then doesn’t drink (I wish, when he said that, that he’d thrown it on Probst.  That said, I hereby make a solemn pledge that if I am ever put on the show, and make the reward auction, and get a food item I don’t use, I will throw it on Probst)!  I can understand shelling out all your money for an immunity advantage, but not food!  As a side note, I am relieved to know that, while Abi-Maria may not be the smartest, she does at least have the brains to hold out for an immunity advantage, rather than blow her money on food.  Carter, of course, buys food for the tribe repeatedly, and everyone goes home fat and happy.

Oh, wait, I forgot, Penner’s on this tribe, and that means that there’s someone there who knows that contented times are the best times to stir the pot, so as to make another person look bad by comparison.  His target is… well let’s be honest, does he have a target other than Abi-Maria?  Ok, so he will later, but that’s later.  This time, I’m having a harder time justifying Abi-Maria’s behavior.  Even for someone on the outs, she’s being downright hostile.

Still, at least she has her note, which, as you might expect, lets her proceed directly to the final phase of the immunity challenge!  Again, I’m amazed to give her props, as I really don’t like her, but she does at least try to parlay it into something more, pretending it has more to it than just an immunity advantage, and also trying to make a fake idol.  Granted, given that these are smart players this season, and have SEEN what an idol looks like, it probably won’t help (in the former case, particularly given that they can SEE THROUGHT THE PAPER YOU’RE READING OFF OF, AND CAN THEREFORE TELL THAT YOU’RE BLUFFING!), but the effort is worth noting.

You know what’s worse than one boring and rehashed immunity challenge?  Doing the same thi AGAIN the very next episode!  Seriously, one ropes course was bad enough, but TWO?  They’ve stopped trying.  Hell, I almost considered titling this blog “Unchallenging” in honor of this fact, but Penner’s demise is more important.  I will say that I do like that they try to twist this challenge by adding a trivia component (losers must carry 10% of their body weight on this course), but this is only a minor asset, and even this is ruined by the fact that you only show one out of 3 trivia questions.  I, for one, would have liked to have seen them all.

In a strange twist of fate, sitting out a challenge does you good, as Abi-Maria smokes both Carter (remember him?) and Penner in the final round.  I guess the added rest really did pay off.

So scrambled castaways are on the menu (but not up for auction) at Dangrayne, as the Kalabaw 6 must now eat one of their own.  Penner seems the obvious choice, but Lisa feels guilty, and essentially confesses to Penner, spinning the usual tracts of “I’m not cut out for this game”, “It’s such a difficult decision”, blah, blah, blah.  It’s a wake-up call for Penner, though, as he realizes that his lack of commitment has come back to haunt him, and that he may have taught his student too well.  True, Penner, you did convince Lisa to orchestrate a flip, thereby saving yourself, but you also absolved her of any moral obligation to stay loyal to you.  As Thomas Jefferson once said “He who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do it a second and a third time, till at length it becomes habitual”.  The same can be true of betraying people on “Survivor”, and so Penner’s only hope is to scramble.  He quickly sweeps up Abi-Maria and Carter to vote off Denise (why he doesn’t try to blindside Malcolm, I can’t tell), and tries to convince Skupin to flip without Lisa a second time.  I’m not buying it, but since Skupin’s moved without her before, it’s possible.

In any case, Tribal is where we find out the results of the Penner vs. Malcolm debates.  These two go at it, with nuanced arguments and subtle…

(there is a banging on my door)

ME: Oh damn, not this again!  Cast members breaking into my dorm is becoming a habit!  I thought I changed the locks!

(JONATHAN PENNER bursts in, hat askew and eyes full of rage)

PENNER: YOU’RE MAKING A MISTAKE LISA!

ME: Penner, give it a rest.  The episode’s over.

PENNER: DON’T YOU REALIZE THE MISTAKE YOU’RE MAKING!

ME: No, Penner, I don’t think she does, now let me get on with my blog, I’ve got other things to do tonight!

PENNER: BUT I DON’T THINK I’VE EMPHASIZED ENOUGH HOW HARD IT WILL BE TO BEAT MALCOLM AND DENISE IN THE FINALS!  I MEAN, I KNOW I SAID IT ABOUT 20 TIMES ALREADY, BUT YOU HAVEN’T SAID IT ENOUGH!

ME: Look, Penner, I agree with you.  I’ve said in every blog since the merge that Malcolm and Denise are a tough crew to beat.  They’re likeable, they’ve ruffled few feathers, and they have the underdog story going for them.  So yes, your argument makes sense, and I’ve said it before, so what more do you want?

PENNER: Well, you aren’t saying it every other sentence.

ME: OK, OUT!  Now, where’s my “No-Longer-New Zapatera Buff”?

(While I look desperately for said buff, PENNER pulls out an immunity idol.)

ME: COOL!  AN IMMUNITY IDOL!

(PENNER beats a hasty retreat).

So yeah, Penner goes home, and while I’m disappointed, I’m not surprised.  For all that Penner was a good strategist, he trusted his influence on Lisa a bit too much.  Still, to his credit, he goes out with the obnoxiousness I’ve so missed this season.  First, he yells over his shoulder “Denise” when voting for Denise, a move I question since Malcolm could have then given Denise his idol to ensure their mutual victory, but was still funny.  Not the funniest blatant vote ever, certain not on the level of the diatribe of Crystal Cox (“Survivor Gabon”), but funny.  Then he mocks Probst’s snuffing of the torch and finally (badly) whistles the “Survivor” exit theme on the way out, popping back every now and again from behind the trees like a demented muppet.  I, for one, shall miss him.

It’s small consolation that next week I will (seemingly) get my wish for an individual reward challenge, which Probst claims will change the game.  I highly doubt that, but we’ll just wait and see.

Now, where did I put those “Support Denise!” banners?

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.

Idol Speculation: “Survivor One World” Episode 6: Ends Do Not Justify the Means

As I write this blog, I gaze over my drying rack, where all 20 of my “Survivor” buffs are hung out to dry.  I can’t help but reflect on how, even 24 seasons in, this game can still create a dilemma in me.

What is that dilemma?  Let’s find out.

Our episode begins, predictably, with Colton badmouthing someone for absolutely no reason.  In this case, to no one’s surprise, it’s Christina, whom Colton believes to be pathetic and not worthy of a spot on the tribe.  It’s a bit of a shame, but then again, it’s Colton.  Alicia also jumps on the hate bandwagon, going to the point of refusing Christina shelter room when she tries to get in.

Now, I admit, this move is very mean-spirited, but I can’t deny that it’s good strategy.  Psychologically speaking, it’s hard to get humans to wage war or to kill other humans (something “Survivor” effectively does, even if the killing is not literal.  This is not The Hunger Games.)  It takes intense conditioning in order to get someone to reach that point, not the least step of which is dehumanizing the enemy, making them seem less than yourself.  This is basically what Alicia tries to do, make Christina seem like less than the tribe by forcing her to sleep out in the rain.  A vile tactic, to be sure, but an effective one.  I can’t help but think back to the most blatant example of this is “Survivor” history.  When the Murlonio Tribe (“Survivor Redemption Island”) was formed, the two tribes effectively stayed separate, to the point of building two adjoining shelters.  You will notice, however, that Zapatera (the tribe in the minority) had their shelter much lower to the ground than Ometepe.  This very blatantly demonstrates this principle, as it put Zapatera literally beneath Ometepe, making it much harder for Ometepe to make friends outside the tribe, and much easier to vote off the Zapaterans.

Thankfully, Christina has more brains than the Zapatera tribe, and does not simply lie down and accept this (the way to affirm the belief that one is lower than another), but asserts that she’s a part of the tribe and thereby deserves a part of the shelter.  Alicia threatens to hit her, but as this would immediately eject Alicia, she wisely decides to let the matter drop, though not before grumbling about it.  It could be argued that it’s a bit bad for Christina to make waves, as she’s on the outs to begin with, but I’d argue that she can’t really do anything worse, so she might as well go for it.

Following our continued lack of an intro (though they did lengthen it by a few seconds, possibly an attempt at appeasement) we head over to Salani, or should I say “The place where entertainment goes to die”.  Now, I have nothing against the people on Salani, I’ve already expressed my support for Kim, but they really just don’t have anything interesting to say.  The most we get is Kat having some dream about being in a shopping mall (something she doubtless thinks about all the time), and then being killed by Alicia (something I would certainly have on my mind a lot out there).  I’d like to talk about my reaction to this dream, but I’m having a bit of an adjective freeze.  The most I can say is “Why is this important?”

Evidently it’s not very important, because it’s CHALLENGE TIME!  And yes, the reason the reward challenge gets the label is because there was no immunity challenge today.  We’re teased up by a very vague tree mail talking about how this was a game you could play in your own backyard, which, as Salani demonstrates, could be a variety of games (incidentally, I did enjoy Mike’s suggestion of croquet, and I’d be interested to see how John Kirhoffer’s team modified it for “Survivor”).  However, it turns out to be a challenge in which tribes bounce coconuts off of a trampoline in an attempt to break 5 targets.  First to break all their targets wins ice cream (doubtless a valuable commodity so near the equator).  It’s an interesting challenge, as it’s not so much about physical strength and more about how well you learn, as well as your aim.  It seems like the sort of challenge that Bob Crowley (“Survivor Gabon”) would have aced.  So, it’s an original, good challenge, I have just one question: WHAT BACKYARD GAME IS THIS BASED ON?  Now, I freely admit I’m not an outdoorsy person, but I’ve played a lot of odd games outside (Quidditch for instance) and I haven’t seen anything like this.  If someone knows what game this is based on, please, let me know.

Probably the most exciting thing about this challenge is that it’s not a blowout like the past two challenges have been.  Both tribes do equally poorly, though TarZAN does surprise us with unprecedented skill at throwing a coconut onto a trampoline.  Even Kat eventually learns how not to hit the edge of the trampoline.  Salani goes off with a narrow victory, while Manono (and by Manono I mean Colton) gripes about how Christina wasn’t pulling her weight in the challenge and can’t wait to get rid of her.  Now, I admit, Christina didn’t do much in that challenge, but, Colton, I have a message for you: NEITHER DID YOU!  Just because she can’t run as fast doesn’t mean that she’s not giving it an effort.  She chucked those coconuts like the rest of you.

Back at the entertainment graveyard, we see Salani exclaiming over how good their ice cream is.  They did win a reward, so they’re perfectly entitled to their victory celebration, but it just isn’t that entertaining.  The only semi-memorable part is when Sabrina exclaims that she “Expects Ashton Kutcher to come out and say ‘You got Punk’d’!”  Go right ahead with that, Sabrina, I’m sure that reference will never become dated.

Manono, unpleasant though it is, at least provides some entertainment.  Unfortunately, it’s just more of Colton complaining about Christina, telling her the bloody obvious and advising her to jump in the fire, or wait to be voted off.  I know that “Go die in a fire.” is a popular college expression, but it’s usually either done sarcastically or to an inanimate object.  Also, it just sounds so mean-spirited coming from Colton.  Then again “I love you so much.” could sound mean-spirited coming from Colton.  Christina, to her credit, does not break down and weathers the attack well.

Wait a minute, what’s this, someone on Manono is actually demonstrating good, entertaining strategy?!  Perhaps the Mayans were right after all.  No, Christina is just gaining some points with me by not accepting her situation and trying to bargain her way into an alliance with Leif and Jonas, probably the only people she sees as being willing to flip flop (she’s correct).  Although I admire her for this, I think that it’s futile, that she has nothing to bargain with and Colton has Jonas wrapped around his thumb.  But then I get to listening to Christina’s arguments: she’s on the outside of the women‘s alliance, but Alicia is allied with the women.  In a numbers game, it’s good to keep the unaligned person, and take out a member of the opposing alliance.  And then I think “Wow, she’s actually got a point.  It WOULD be more beneficial to keep Christina around, not the least because it helps take away some of Colton’s power.”  Given the aptitude that Leif and Jonas have shown when a golden opportunity is waved in front of their faces, I expect them to reject Christina outright, but I get another pleasant surprise.  Both of them take the thought under consideration.  Welcome to “Survivor” guys!  It may not be too late for you to learn to play yet!

The only flaw in this is that while Christina was speaking, Alicia comes up behind her.  Alicia gets on Christina’s case for talking strategy so blatantly, but to be fair Alicia, you and Colton just did the exact same thing a minute ago, so you have no right to complain.  Given that this is Alicia we’re dealing with, this quickly devolves into pointless bickering, and the producers mercifully cut to commercial.

Evening at Manono brings new challenges, specifically a headache for Colton.  And who does he turn to for help?  CHRISTINA.

Well, there it goes.  The Hypocrisy-meter just broke.  Congratulations, Colton, you just busted through Russell Hantz levels!  Colton, just to complete the hypocrisy, turns around and says how Christina was only comforting him for strategy, while Christina claims she just wants to be nice.  I think they’re both right.  While I can’t deny that strategy is a big part of it for Christina, I do believe that a small part of her genuinely wanted to help Colton.  In an attempt to rid Colton of the headache, Christina massages his forehead. Apparantly she studied that the Cao Boi (“Survivor Cook Islands”) school of headache relief (now accepting applications for summer internships)

Morning transitions in with Jonas and TarZAN using a long piece of wood to knock down round fruit.  For decency’s sake, I will spare you the obvious sexual metaphor.  At this point, in all honesty, I thought that the producers were trying to fake us out.  Colton’s headache would just turn out to be dehydration and him whining, not the well-publicized injury we were promised this week.  I was quite surprised, then, to find out that Colton’s headache hadn’t healed overnight, and the guy was still feeling sick.  When he lies down on the way to use the bathroom, his tribe sees fit to call for medical, and I can’t help but feel that castaways are getting just a bit too jumpy with calling for medical.  Colton was still conscious, and even Boston Rob (“Survivor Marquesas”) had to flat out collapse before medical was called.

Either way, medical arrives swiftly with Jeff Probst in tow.  I’m sure they regret this, however, as he insists upon pestering the doctors at every step to explain in detail why they’re doing what they’re doing.  Probst, I know the audience needs to understand the situation, but let the doctors do their jobs.  We’d be satisfied by just an after-examination summary.

It turns out to be a good thing that medical was called, because Colton does not just have a severe case of dehydration, but appendicitis (something that will give us much fun at Kat’s expense later), and needs to be evacuated immediately for surgery.  Colton takes it about as well as can be expected, by which I mean he gets upset, as nearly every Survivor does.  Even Russell Swan (“Survivor Samoa”), dehydrated as he was, tried to bodily resist leaving.

Now remember my dilemma I alluded to earlier?  Well, as you probably guessed, this is it.  For the past several episodes, I’ve been ranting about Colton, how annoying he is, how badly he’s playing the game, how I couldn’t wait to see him go.  Now I’ve got my wish, and I find myself feeling sorry for him.  I think Jonas put it best, saying that when you put yourself in Colton’s shoes, you can understand how unsatisfying it is to leave this way.  And he’s right.  I understand that you need to take contestants away if they need medical help, but it still just seems like a terrible, unsatisfying way to go.  Even scumbags deserve the chance to go out with a bang.  If anything, it’s better they go out with a bang, so as we get the entertainment of seeing everything blow up in their faces.  Essentially what’s happened here is Colton’s been made a martyr, as are all people who are medivaced.  Take probably the most famous injured castaway, Mike Skupin (“Survivor The Australian Outback”).  Reaction to Mike was mixed early on.  You either thought he was the only one on Kucha with any sense, or you thought he was crazy for paying so little attention to the social aspect of things.  But no one would dare mention the craziness nowadays (and to be fair, anyone these days who tries to chase after a wild pig and uses it’s blood as war paint is a little crazy) because it would be an insult to him, given the manner of his leaving.  The same will probably be true in Colton’s case.

However, the manner of his leaving does not undo his actions over the past 17 days.  He was an evil, selfish, egotistical jerk to a lot of people, said very hurtful things, and while he did not play the dumbest game I’ve ever seen, he still played a pretty stupid game.  Just because he got medivaced does not give him a free pass on these things.  Hence my dilemma.  I’m sorry for the manner of his leaving, but I’m not sorry that he’s gone.  I am happy that he got treatment for his appendix, and I would not want to see him dead, but I’m still not sorry he’s gone.

One interesting aspect of Colton’s leaving is the idol in his possession.  Someone being medically removed with an idol is unprecedented (I’m a bit surprised he didn’t give it to Probst to try and save himself), and I was curious as to what would happen.  It turns out it’s Colton’s choice, and he chooses to keep the idol as a souvenir.  Now, many people criticize this decision, not the least of whom is Alicia, who feels Colton should have given the idol to her.  For once, however, I will defend Colton’s actions.  If Colton had given up immunity, it would have splintered the tribe.  You’ll recall that he was playing both sides, and the other guys did not know the strength of his alliance with Alicia.  Giving up immunity would have served only to splinter the tribe, something they cannot afford right now.  Also, it does make a darn good souvenir.

For my money, however, I’d have followed the precedent for when someone is voted out with an idol in their possession: confiscate and re-hide it.  That way there’s no revelation of alliances, and the idol remains in play.  Oh well, I suppose they didn’t want to traumatize Colton too much.

An additional benefit of Colton’s departure is that Jonas finally starts to recover from all the Colton-Juana he’s been smoking, and his brain is recovering quickly.  He now realizes that this is HIS chance for power, and is ready to wheel and deal to make it happen.  Jonas, come on over, you’re back in my good books!  I’m still rooting for Kim, mind, but you’re finally starting to get it.

Both tribes receive mysterious tree mail telling them to head to tribal council, but not explaining why.  This should just be a simple “Talk about Colton” affair, but the tree mail is vague enough to spread paranoia amongst the castaways as to what could happen.  Surprisingly, Manono is the most paranoid, with Alicia scrambling and tribe split between Jonas and Christina on one side and Alicia and TarZAN on the other, with Leif in the middle.  I say surprisingly because, unlike Salani, they KNOW that someone left, and that it’s the probable cause of the tribal council.  Oh well, I guess last week’s title was more appropriate than I thought.

Also, TarZAN tells Christina that he likes everyone on the tribe but her.  He’s polite about it, telling her he thinks she’ll be successful, but he doesn’t like her.  Way to win yourself votes, TarZAN.

Off to a twelve person tribal where SURPRISE, it’s to talk about Colton.  Only two things of import are said here.  The first is that Alicia reveals that Colton took the idol with him, and I have to ask, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?  The threat of an idol is almost as powerful as an idol, so why not let them believe you have it, and keep the paranoia up?  I suppose it did spread paranoia, so it does have SOME benefit, but for my money, I’d have kept it quiet, then later played like I had it so as to trick my opponents into voting a certain way.  The other thing is that we learn that Kat doesn’t know what an appendix is.  Ok, there’s only so much stupidity that can be contained in one person, this HAS to be an act.  I can understand a person being a little flighty, a little ditzy, a little shallow and materialistic, but how have you NEVER in 21 years heard of an appendix?  They mention it in the “Madeline” books for God’s sake, 4 year olds have heard of an appendix!  If there’s one member of Salani I dislike, it has to be Kat.  I can understand a lack of intelligence, and it can be charming, but this just goes beyond the pail.

Right before tribal ends, we get a surprise.  The tribes are merging to a new black tribe.  I’ll give the producers credit, I did not see this coming, but it feels a little abrupt to me.  It feels like the season just started, and the tribes weren’t even shuffled up for two episodes!  Give it some time to settle before changing things up!  It seems possible to me that this wasn’t originally planned, but that the unbalanced nature of the tribes meant that the producers advanced the merge date so that good characters were not unfairly slaughtered.  Oh well, at least it implies that next week will be an exciting episode with shifting alliances, always fun to watch.

To end off, I’d like to give brief testimony to Colton’s words at the end of the episode.  “I came in with a plan.  I’m used to having everything go my way.”  That, I think, sums up Colton’s game right there.  He came in knowing what he wanted to do, and darn it, he was going to make it happen, even if it was abhorrent and stupid.

-Matt

Title Credit to Jean Storrs.